A New Start (the way forwards)

Feel like I've had a nice vacation away from front for a bit. Bobby & Kit did come out to play on the new Zelda..apparently Bobby didn't like it as much as expected...too many changes to their favourite parts of BOTW map possibly?..Anyway they got the maps they wanted and have disappeared back inside.

So I woke up this morning feeling a blend of four..(Jay, Yuna, Juno, Kate) Sometimes its easier to blend and stay blended if we do it inside and come out together as one...than try and blend out here once we have all come out separately ... I'm not sure why? ..but I feel less dissociated. It feels like Jay & Yuna parts have blended together and integrated...then Juno & Kate have ..so each blended with their own 'younger part'.

I feel I'm a combination of Jay & Yuna...not just Jay...but am being told to keep this name for this forum. I still feel Kate as a separate 'insider' but she says she has Juno within her. we're cooking pasta for dinner together,it's a nice feeling

Still feeling like an I ... like I can look back and see all the 'past hosts' as 'me when I was at x age'

However there are still separate 'others' that are NOT past me's. I feel that if all my past me's integrated what would be left would be Tulpa's that we had accidentally created over the years...without realising at the time thats what we were doing.

I feel there's not as many as first thought but a smaller number who have played whatever part was needed as the host grew up. They do seem to be spirit entities who have the ability to change their form to match what was in the hosts mind, so they (the host at the time) believed they were talking to ..whoever they imagined they were talking to.

Their form evolved as our understanding did. Some played wise animals (Aslan from Narnia) to guide the littles, some took on the image of the Teen's favourite pop stars of the time and others became reincarnated spirits of loved ones to help the host's struggling to cope with concepts such death, heaven, reincarnation & grief at a time when the brain was still highly literal had not reached the emotional maturity or understanding to deal with such things.

I don't know where Kit is. I tried to encourage Bobby out by putting Zelda on yesterday, they came out for a short time but then disappeared. I don't feel any urge at all to play the game today so I guess Bobby has disappeared somewhere deeper in the Inner World...but I feel like the teen fragments of self have integrated because I feel more connected to the memories from that era (13-19yo)

I'm not sure whether little Susie is part of the integration I haven't felt any interest in colouring, playing animal crossing (or any of her other favourite games) or dressing or cuddling 'Susie Bear'(her teddy).

But sitting in our special spot when we took Mr Woof out at sunrise to meditate ..I felt more 'whole' but could still feel Kate...blended with me sharing the same body and moment in time but still a separate spirit within.

I'm not sure if this blog is useful anymore now we've got past the stroke and shown we managed to get the system back, so people know it is possible if it were to happen to them.

LS came to the front when Yuna & I were deciding on a new game that we fancied, she chose a light up switch controller that 'turns pretty colours' ..there is a game she wants but its not out until later next month and only on digital...we've told her we'll download it for her as soon as its available.

It is our (human alters/bodies) birthday next week but bro will be working so we're seeing him Sunday... just ordered a birthday cake to arrive on the day to cheer LS up and hopefully her new controller will be here in time, she said she wants it wrapped in pink paper! ..we've bought ourselves a new monitor too for playing in bed when pain levels are bad and a new over bed table for it to go on and Kate and I have a new outfit for going out for dinner Sunday. Hopefully it will help lift the mood a bit if we manage to get out and socialise and have some new things for us to look forwards to!

Bobby & Kit have already had theirs (new Zelda game) and they're not keen on going out in public anyway. It seems they have decided to stay working in the background on Inner world maintenance and only come out occasionally now they have the information they want from the new game.

So we're down to 6 (human) alters .who will stay separate.. Bobby, Little Susie, Yuna, Sioux, Kit and me (Jay)..we are all versions of each other at different ages.

Juno & Kate have re-blended as one and SG has integrated with Phoenix (changelings) to stabilise them & become 'Inca' Things have been much calmer since!

Jody (changeling) is still living inside with Sioux and LS Other smaller fragments seem to have been 'shared out' & integrated between the 6 of us.

Yuna and I can now slide seamlessly between it been 'more me' (Jay) to been more her (a younger teen self) ..with Juno/Kate been able to do the same to match us. We're currently Yuna & Juno (15 ) for more of the time than we are Jay & Kate (same age as body ..usually only to deal with other people/responsibilities).

I'm out today as food shop needed re-ordering, the gardener is due and we'd been waiting for a new cool mat for Mr Woof as his split and its meant to reach 22 degrees this weekend!

I think we've got as far as we're going to get now...unless another major life incident happens that shakes everything up all over again!..we hope not,it's taken forever to get this far!!

Thanks for this resource it has been both terrifying and reassuring to watch the effects of a stroke "live".

Eliseahorse wrote:Thanks for this resource it has been both terrifying and reassuring to watch the effects of a stroke "live".

Thanks ..we're glad it has been useful to someone! There is nothing out there on this, yet people with DID also grow old and experience the same things as NT people. It's the same for people with autism (without DID) there's hardly anything on Autism and Ageing or Autism & Menopause etc in general either.

Well we made it to 54!!! there were times in the last few years we didn't think we would! ...managed to get out with family for a small birthday celebration, it was nice but exhausting its taken us most of this week to recover.

It tends to make the fatigue really bad and it literally takes all our energy up just to take care of our dogs daily needs, other than that spend rest of each day going back to bed to recover from his walk or feeding and playing with him for a while.

Today we've managed to get some washing out and are trying to muster up the energy to take Mr Woof to the nearest field as we were late waking up today.

Physically, other than the fatigue and Tinnitus issues which worsened after the stroke..physically we're about semi-mobile! Can manage pottering about the house and garden but need walking aids for short distances and wheelchair/scooter for longer distances (dog walks, outside appointments). Having the physical energy to do things is more the problem these days. Pain levels can be high too if the arthritis is in a flare-up and sometimes need to use wheelchair even indoors if hips/knees are bad.

Cognitively - we have memory issues not 'DID-related' to not knowing whose out and what they did etc, more conversion of new short term memories to long term memory, following instructions sometimes seems ridiculously complex at the time..sometimes we need Kit or Bobby to come out as they never read instructions anyway but could always figure things out themselves better!

They still choose to remain separate but are more helpful and seem to have a better understanding of the benefits of us all working together on some things,whilst still getting 'their own time out' occasionally too. There seems to be more balance between us all like the Yin/Yang in our avatar...as 'a human' we seem to be getting closer to achieving better balance. The spirit dragon in the background represents our Changelings/Tulpa/Spirit entities ..protectors and advisors!

Insiders seem to come out or return inside more instinctively without us needing to schedule who we need to come out to do what at what time etc and the switches are undetectable like stealth ninja passing in the night! I think we may have finally re-mastered the ability to mask as one (to the outside world) whilst managing to remain separate identities with their own lives within our Inner World too!

Congrats for the birthday!

Moral support for the other health issues and congrats on the teamwork you keep doing together!

ArbreMonde wrote:Congrats for the birthday!

Moral support for the other health issues and congrats on the teamwork you keep doing together!

Thanks

Kit is disappointed that we've repeated questions so many times with genuinely no memory that we had or of the replies. 'recovery has failed' in her view...now we wonder if we constantly say the same things when we see people..such as the gardener or when we visit family with no memory of doing so The logical thing (Kit says) would be to avoid all contact & stop speaking then we can't repeat ourselves, however this is likely to attract more attention & questions!

All (alters/parts) being in a small area means no-one is on the edges looking in ..saying 'you guys realise you repeat yourself constantly right?'

Bobby's solution..what if we do what Zelda did and leave memories/parts all over the place (brain/Inner World) again?..deliberately this time..specific memories/alters in specific areas...then if we ever had another stroke ...there's a chance that one of those would survive in an area that escaped the effects? ..(Kit is going to research brain areas that are are often least affected by most smaller strokes) we need our own 'light dragon' and 'a LInk' to survive to go round collecting them all in future!

There's only one of us capable of becoming a light dragon (in the Inner world of course) and that's Phoenix! Bobby has volunteered to go with them (as 'our Link') they don't feel they belong in this world anyway and now they've created their 'Inner Hyrule' from knowledge of the new game they see no reason to come back out to play it on the console!

Phoenix will re-split from SG and go through another re-birth. Some fragments that had integrated with Teen S to become 'Yuna' will split off and instead go with Bobby & Phoenix to be left in deep secret locations with a full copy of life (up to this point).

'Teen S' alone (but still carrying a copy of the others memories) will remain blended with me (Jay) up front. Obviously if we didn't have another stroke for another 5-10 years or more then there would still be a memory gap but hopefully most of the life memories up to this point at least ....could be recovered fairly quickly.

Also if it was a major one then the body probably wouldn't survive it anyway so we'd never know! but at least if it was mild enough that we retained awareness ...we would (hopefully!)..again be able to recover 'a copy' of most of the life memories..enough for our 'sense of self' to know who we were and the important people around us...and past loved ones.

Memory issues are not your fault. You do all you can to recover. You need more therapy than society can give you and THIS is the problem: the lack of access to proper therapy. THIS lack of therapy access is the real problem. NOT YOU.

Now that you realize there are more memory issues than you thought, you can look for tools to help you remember: keep the important threads in a "favourite links" file on your web browser, learn how to use a Bullet Journal to log in important memories and informations, etc.

You are NOT a problem. Society has a problem with health care access. It's different.