A New Start (the way forwards)

ViTheta wrote:I get a feeling like someone got ahold of the forums who doesn't know what DID is. I mean, if it was roleplay, we'd be able to stop. When Pippa, Lilith or any of the others come out it takes a lot of effort to switch out unless there's an emergency, and both cost the body in terms of energy and even pain. DID is not roleplay. I grant that most of our system may seem similar in terms of various patterns when not speaking, the reality is that we are different enough verbally that my friends know who is fronting. That said, I've run into a few people who claim to be systems who I'm not sure if they are or not because they act more like they are roleplaying with alters talking in chat back and forth...but I also grant that some systems can be like that.

Take care,
Vi

Also if it was role play Pippa etc wouldn't answer unless you had actively imagined what their reply was going to be!

We can 'chat' to each other now (automatically know the others thoughts) but we haven't always been able to and some can do it better than others.

When I first came out alone I couldn't have told you what any of the others was thinking or might say next. Yuna & Juno were the best at it, by blending with them temporarily while they communicated with each other, others in the system learned to do it. Some of us can only do it when blended. I've found it easier after Sioux integrated with me so maybe she had some ability to do that or just more experience and practice?

It might also help that we live alone and have done for years so we've had more time without interruption to switch, blend, find who works best with who, ..spend time out to find out what we like individually etc...especially with the pandemic for the last 3 years. ..that's harder to do when you live in a shared house or don't get much personal time because you have to go to work or college etc everyday. It's taken things to a whole different level for us!

Jay

Well, Jay, we do talk over what we want to say sometimes, but most of the time when the others are out, they are writing what they are thinking even if we've 'discussed' the subject before. We've done that our whole life. I'll often go back and read over what they've said when I'm back up front so I know what's going on.

Another thing is that, while Pippa and Lilith may be very like me (Violette), Bridgette and Beth are very different and have different likes and interests. Some of us in the same subsystem have similar personalities and adjacent interests (such as me, Lilith, Pippa and the other demons all having an interest in creative endeavors)

But, yeah, if this was roleplay, we could stop it at any time and we can't.

Take care,
Vi

Mystery of the Missing Memories

(TW briefly mention death of mum, no details)

I've been getting like 'micro snippets' of memories I've never remembered before I guess that's coming from the fragments that have integrated with me?

They're still coming from the childhood to early 20's period. I now know it was 'Bobby' that chose the 'new legal name' and this actually happened while our mum was still alive. In that period though it seems family still called us by birth name at home and only college friends knew us as 'new name' It seems it was Bobby that went to deaf college.

I think they possibly split due to the trauma of our mum's death and the split became who we referred to as 'Thea' on here ..that was basically 'Bobby's social mask' based on another deaf student that evolved into a full alter to take over after Bobby's shut down. That appears to have been the last time Bobby was ever the age of the body and for some reason then stayed mainly as 10 despite having the ability to age-slide.

Thea went on to develop her own personality after she was out for years dealing with work, more college (A levels night school) and then university where she took on a 'deaf identity' (identifying with deaf culture and sign language as her culture) Thea did not identity as gender neutral even though she was a direct split from Bobby...it seems I 'Jay' was then 'recalled' when Thea was needed to speak ..which explains why I have some memory of later life but only for very specific people/situations...It seemed Thea handled the rest.

It seems at some point Thea started to crumble under the stress (what we now know to be an autistic burnout) and it was suggested by a counsellor at the university who didn't know of our childhood history, that we may have autism ..so as Thea researched through the university libraries and had work experiences with children and adults with autism it triggered Bobby back out to the front.

They were curious but the social life and workload demands were too intense for Bobby so Kit was 'born'..another split from 'Bobby'. Thea never had any knowledge of Kit coming out or of the 'inside'. ..it seems she split into fragments which probably explains why we never found one individual alter who was 'Thea'...it does seem however that 'Maddie' had some of her memory fragments to continue the relationships with deaf friends even after she became a wheelchair user and no longer had any contact or access to the deaf community.

Those fragments have mysteriously 'gone missing' so neither Yuna got them (or a copy) when she took over to host or myself...so curiously both Yuna and myself have the EXACT same memory gaps! ..As 'Kathy' did not exist within the system then she doesn't have them either.

It maybe the stroke claimed them as they were more recent memories or the constant brain fog, it just seems odd that we Yuna and myself) being the last two out have the exact same gaps in the 'memory of the life'. Strangely when hosting ... we've both remembered enough sign to use an interpreter when needed for hospital appointments!

Jay

I think I have solved the mystery of 'The Changelings'!

I think they are EP's split off from the child parts when they were originally in the body as children. As they would not have had the emotional understanding ..particularly 'Bobby' to process emotions that resulted from trauma like been pinned down for medical procedures and during seizures etc ...the parts split off into animals - possibly because the younger parts could relate to animals better?...maybe the animals ran (or flew) inside with the emotions until the negative emotions were gone?

At some point Bobby came across the concept of reincarnation either from TV or maybe explained to us when a grandparent etc died? (usual stuff about 'Nanny went to heaven to live with the angels' kind of stuff) but for a child with autism and 'literal understanding' we may have interpreted it as 'there's a place that exists where people's spirits can go to change into other beings after their body dies'

So the animal EP's evolve into Phoenix that can take the emotion inside ...rebirth themselves to come back out without the trauma (it gets burned off during the transformation). Hence when new parts split off and evolve they do so with no trauma (or no memory of it)? ..is that why parts that came after the age of 7/8 have no memory of the first 7 years???

So anything that is not wanted to be remembered by the system is transferred to a Phoenix/changeling to take inside to be 'turned to ashes' and therefore no longer a problem? There's no harm perceived as they are reborn without the trauma memories.

The freedom of speech on the internet now means there's groups for all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs. We found a spiritual group for Kathy where everyone else believes they are a 'walk-in' spirit who has taken over the contract of someone else's body (with their permission of course) or are their walk-in companion and stay together (Soul Braid).

It's a comforting thought that our mothers spirit would seek us out and return to help us after she understood the damage that had been done having to spend a lifetime pretending to 'be normal' when our brain just doesn't work that way.

Many in the spiritual group though believe that when the 'walk-in' has done what it came to do it would leave....Kathy doesn't want to have to leave us again we want to go into the next life togther to be reborn as twins, so the system starts to re-integrate lesser developed 'me-parts' and EP's & makes her into an alter that can co-host with us to front and help us in situations where we need to mask (official appointments/stuff).

She genuinely does have our mother's memories from her perspective not the perspective of 'our memories of her'. I've no idea how we've managed that! ...maybe she told us enough stories of her life before we were born that the system can now match all her dialogue/thoughts to that perspective?

I'm not sure how they're (or who is) deciding who needs to remain separate and who will be
re-integrated? ...but I just seem to know this morning that they are aiming for a partial re-integration but the most developed identities will remain separate. (unless they choose to integrate with host at a later date).

Kathy & I will remain as 'Social & Communication Hosts' while Kit takes care of background stuff.

It's thought if Bobby does choose to 'age up' and be a responsible future host they may blend with Kit and those two work together on more practical stuff around the house probably mainly at weekends when there's no appointments/social interactions to take care of...that way no 'one' alter has to cope out front alone with absolutely everything that's going on and everyone gets a break at some point in the week.

Jay

I'm feeling more and more like I understand my system and therefore 'myself'.

I believe that Maddie was a social mask because we very much felt we had to mask back then. I think a combination of factors triggered her 'falling apart' ...

* Depression (from loss of last dog),

* KIt being triggered out by peri menopause starting and 'Maddie' then becoming aware of 'losing time'

* The breakdown in the relationship with the person 'Maddie' had come to see as their best (external human) friend in the world.

With Chronic Fatigue & other medical issues hitting too and then the Pandemic delaying expectation to return 'to normality' giving other alters chance to re-emerge too, it just caused complete chaos and complete burnout! ..& Kit who had taken over as host lost her ability to mask when she needed to ...so there we are...it seems we've officially had our 'mid-life crisis!'

One good thing has come out of all this...we now have great communication between each other, the one's that wanted to integrate have done, the one's that want to stay separate are doing but more co-operative.

The ability to mask seems to coming back, though it is exhausting. However we have made a joint decision that we don't want to return to a super busy life having to spend the next however long also pretending to be neurotypical 24/7...but recognise it is sometimes needed to deal with some situations and people who would not understand. eg if we suddenly behaved really autistic in front of housing staff (like openly stimmed which they've never seen) given they've only seen/interacted with 'social mask alters' , they may think we are having a break down, can't cope and may intervene which may lead to us getting sectioned and/or losing our home... we wouldn't be able to cope with being separated from our dog in his later years.. but to avoid one individual having that pressure to deal with and because such appointments are only a few a year for an hour or so we have agreed that we will temporarily blend to produce the 'social version' of us they are used to and expecting...with 'Kathy' being in driving seat temporarily.

Basically they see what they expect..nothing abnormal going on here...everything's under control... jog on... and being left alone to get on with how we want to live!

Looking back I can see now our peri symptoms actually started back in our 40's but were completely missed..which means the good news is it should be nearly over! I read somewhere recently if you've gone over 6 months without a period you're in the second half of peri and we've gone 7 before it returned. The mood swings and symptoms like night sweats have calmed down or gone.

Getting to sleep can still be hit and miss and sometimes we need to use a sleep aid to get at least a couple of good nights sleep a week and the Tinnitus is spiking at the minute but I think we're in a better place mentally & emotionally than we've been for years now the brain fog has lifted...I'm sure something will come along to burst our little bubble sooner or later but for now we've managed to reach a way of functioning that everyone in the system is happy with!

Jay