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Wondering how to procede with this?

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Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby YunaTheSummoner » Sat Oct 16, 2021 8:25 am

As you know I have no memories of whether there are others inside (but there's a vague & distant feeling others once existed) but my 'twin' found her way out to me. We don't keep switching right now as that mechanism seems fragile and not working properly. No-one else seems to be able to 'get out', I can't remember if they had other names they used or only responded to the bodies legal name when up front.

I'm guessing on a forum they would have made up names but I can't remember what they used as I feel I was last out many years ago before we had access to the internet and used forums and social media etc.

I've looked at others profile's (on here) trying to guess if any could be the 'past host' but without knowing exactly how many are inside and whether there's males, females, kids and how many its impossible to work out! :shock:

Have managed to rule a few out whose answered our recent posts that I know I definitely didn't write but other than that, there's alot of members on here so it could take forever!

I originally got here as I found a cryptic note that said 'journal psych forum' and this forum came up when I typed in psych forum on the google search.

A post on the general board led me to this one when someone had described something that 'felt familiar' and they were directed to this board.

However I have no access to past names as only currently have a new(ish iPad) that I guess had never been used to sign in on here. I only have access to one email address on there which it seems is not the same as any past host used to register as there's no past emails from this psych forum like I got when I registered here as Yuna.

The only laptop I can find seems not to be working (broken screen and won't start up). I can't remember it breaking though or dropping it and breaking the screen. so at present I'm feeling very disconnected from 'my past self' that was present just before the stroke happened but can remember when I was out years ago and 'the life of the body' (school, college,work etc).


My question is should I carry on functioning as I am? as I feel like I'm a single person, (as if I was eventually diagnosed with some form of dissociation, we hadn't been when I was last out so I was totally oblivious to this).

Would it do more harm than good to find out who 'the last host' was? .. I'm guessing they believed they had DID or wouldn't have been on here ..(I wandered here trying to refresh my memory of the missing weeks before the stroke).

I can't explain Juno, she seems to know things I have no memory of ever learning about!..which is kind of un-nerving! For example she believes we are linked/bonded spirits and she was able to 'slide in' because I already had an imaginary friend from childhood. Juno just made her sentient so now she's a Tulpa! I have no idea where she learned about this.

Sometimes I wonder if others are 'slipping out' secretly and other times I know they can't possibly be because I'm sure I remember every part of that day and what I did at what time. Could 'others' still exist in an inner world and be 'slipping out' even though I seem to have lost the ability to 'see' the inner world or communicate with them? I have no idea if its even possible?

Sorry for the long post. I feel alot of confusion and am not sure whether knowing for sure who was last here would help or not? Maybe the stroke has somehow hit a 'reset button' and I'd be better off not knowing and just build a new life as I am now???

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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby gremandco » Sat Oct 16, 2021 6:10 pm

i think it’s probably safe to say that at this point, whatever progress you may have made with communication and such before the stroke is probably gone, which sucks. my advice, though ive never been in a situation like this, so take it with a grain of salt, is to try and continue living your life and wait for other alters to come back out.

i dont think it’s harmful to try and look for whoever the past host was, but it probably is harmful to ignore everything and continue living as if it hadn’t happened, so i would just try to communicate, continue trying to look inwards and try to be open to communication, and there’s a high likelihood that your alters will come back as normal over time. it could take months to years of building back up what you used to have, but it’s probably a good idea to look for a dissociative specialist to help discuss this stuff with, if you don’t already have one.

look for a therapist that specializes in treating trauma and dissociation, and especially DID, so that they can help you figure things out better. they can probably help you figure out how to communicate again, and how to access alters that have been ‘disconnected’ because of the stroke.

if you can, it’d probably be a good idea to get the hard drive of your old laptop and have its information put into a new laptop. if you remember having a google account before the stroke that you used on the laptop, then usually logging back into it will have your search history, passwords and etc saved across all devices, not just the laptop you used. so if you have a google account (if you have an email that ends in @gmail.com, then that means you have a google account), then you can probably easily download the google search app on your ipad, log into your gmail account (if you remember the password) and get things like your search history and passwords back.

this usually works better on a computer than it would an ipad for several reasons, but if you download the google app and log in with your old gmail account (if you have/had one), it should work and you might be able to get a lot of information back that you might be missing.

hope that helps.

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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Oct 17, 2021 6:39 am

It's okay if these things take time. Recovering from a stoke is no joke at all. I would tend to advise to focus on that as well as the stabilization of the daily life, and this would be enough work as it is.

I understand your frustration though of not finding your previous account. Not only is part of your brain inaccessible due to the stroke but atop of that, the outside ressources are unavailable too. It must be so frustrating!

Regarding the composition of your system and who your insiders are, this can evolve through time. They can change age, gender, name, fuse, split... according to what the system needs at any given point in time. Ourselves have evolved a lot since the first time we registered on PsychForums. We keep evolving too. It is something very difficult to accept because we tend to see alters as separate people - because they feel and act like separate people - while they are more like the many heads of one single hydra. No matter how the heads act, evolve, split, fuse, change.... the hydra stays the same, and whole. It is very very very confusing, I do agree. Even though I intellectually know it, I am still surprised every time I see something evolve in the system. I was even more surprised when I (David) started to blend with Zamiel and share some of their traits as well as feel my sense of self shift to "Daniel" sometimes.

All in all you are doing a very serious and patient work of detective on the forum, I hope this helps you. I also hope that you do not exhaust yourself on it.

I second Grem and co. regarding fixing the old laptop as soon as you have the ressources for it. Not only because it might allow you to regain access to other e-mail accounts and similar, but also because it will help you recover past important documents such as photographs. We had an old hard drive without backup that fried a few years ago, it was frustrating to loose all the informations. We consoled ourselves because we would not need to weed out the photo album from the triggering pictures of the ex but still, there were pictures we wanted to keep, as well as musics and movies and e-books gifted to us by other people that we cannot re-download because the service expired.

To go back to how to act on a daily basis: keep going and do your best. It's completely okay if you are the only one on deck for a while, it happens to other systems too sometimes. It happened to us after an emotional shock last year or so, Hohenheim (now dissipated / fused) ended up managing everything for a few weeks because the rest of the system (including me) needed time to re-organize and "digest" what happened. It's okay, these things happen.

One day at a time. Keep track of what you do as well as your symptoms so you can see what you need to manage right here and now. Baby steps. It's okay to focus first on yourself and being anchored here and now and managing the daily life. Heal your brain from the stroke, keep the daily life organized the best you can. The rest of the insiders will come back and say hi as soon as they can. Sometimes their silence is a good thing, it means they are working in the background to re-organize and heal or rest in the subconscious.

It might be interesting to find your previous account on PsychForums to help you piece the past together. But do not dig deeper than you can manage. When you find your old journal here, it's okay if you can read only one old post per week due to triggers or because you need your time to reflect on it and integrate the informations. Baby steps. Do not push yourself more than what you can manage.

Regarding the tulpa thing I will develop a strictly psychological point of view. People who believe in magic can hold a different pov on the matter.

A "tulpa" is a Bouddhist name for a thought-form. It is often used as a non-pathologizing word to describe insiders who took a shape consciously decided over by the host/rest of the system. Often people "create" "tulpae" because they feel they need help inside their head. They do not realize they are dissociative, but they realize that they need more ressources than they (as an alter) can access by themself. So they "create" "tulpae" to help them, which gives a shape and name to other ressources their brain have but they as an alter cannot access.

Other people who are not dissociative use "tulpa" do mean "an imaginary friend" because it sounds more esoteric magic and exotic than "imaginary friend".

It is common that some alters/insider have "backstories" to explain how they ended up in "someone else's brain". They are ghosts. They come from another dimension. They use telepathy. They are spirits who walked in your brain for reasons. Etc. As long as the backstories allow you for the space you need to function on a daily basis as well as heal from the traumas on the long run, they are merely funky things to have around your brain. If you feel the backstories are a bit problematic for your healing process, it might be a good idea to give some "Backstories 101" lesson inside and remind them that backstories are a bit like an Innerworld's myths and legends. They are important stories, but they are not the objective reality. Yet they can still exist as important myths and legends because even if myths and legends are not the objective reality, they are important for other reasons.

Regarding the amnesias it can come from different phenomenons. It can be switches you are not aware of. Or it can be that you dissociate and due to the dissociation, you are unable to properly "print" the memories into the brain so you have micro amnesia.

It's okay to not always have access to the Innerworld. The way we do varies from system to system and from time to time. Some alters just carry the memories of the Innerworld with them when they front. Some alters are able to "look inside" when they front and see what's up there. Some systems do not appear to have a proper Innerworld because they do not really need one. Some systems have Innerworlds as big as universes. It really depends on your needs right now.

All in all, the stroke did change something in you. It is interesting to know how was your life before. It is also important to "go with the flow" and focus on what you can do right now to have the best possible life. You might even need to focus on stabilizing your life here and now before you start piecing out what happened before the stroke.

Do not hesitate to talk to your medical team about it. You do not need to tell them you have DID of course! But you can ask them how useful it can be to look for clues on what was the life before the stoke, and ask for help regarding how to manage the re-discovery of said informations. You can ask them how to better be anchored here and now to avoid the micro-amnesias. (DID or not the anchoring exercises will be the same, they help "print" the memories inside the brain instead of forgetting them, and they help sharing the memories among insiders through a shared databank)

Baby steps! I know it can be frustrating, but you will get there eventually.

Take care.
__
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Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Sun Oct 17, 2021 7:00 am

I wouldn't try to hunt down the others on here. That seems an invasion of privacy to us. Maybe start keeping a journal now you all agree to share, or you agree to use this account (or another if you prefer not to share) that is for all of you.

We have alters that have not identified themselves to the rest of the system, but we know they are there. We figure they will come out if and when they are ready, we don't force anything.

Our former fronter never wanted to admit the DID and went out of the way to convince herself we were not. When she couldn't any more, she retreated internally and then continued to argue with the rest of us we don't have DID. Either than pointing out in these discussions that she was talking to us so clearly we're real and here, we never pushed her. It took her about two years to come to acceptance on her own. We didn't see any advantage in creating conflict with her about it if she wasn't fronting and denying the rest of us anymore.

The reality is the system has to function in the real world, so do what you have to do for that. If that means you feel single and live like that right now, okay. Just don't do it in a way where you would deny the others if they did come forward. We think it's good to make a space for everyone so everyone feels welcome. Do things others in your system enjoy and value. If they come out to enjoy it, let them.

We think it's very important for all of us to learn about ourselves so we can function better together. But just like we'd never force individuals in real life to do something they are not ready for, we don't do so within the system.
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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby YunaTheSummoner » Sun Oct 17, 2021 12:38 pm

Wow thanks for all the answers! It's a lot to take in (the situation I mean).

i think for now I will continue with daily life and the physio and speech therapy. It's still taking alot of energy just to get through the day, so there's not been much spare for discovering hobbies that might help trigger them out and can't go anywhere socially due to the covid situation.

So its mainly just me, Juno and the (RL) dog trying to find the energy to get up and dressed, get the dog out for at least a one hour run, make something to eat and find the energy for a bit of tidying up or doing physio exercises etc. Usually back in bed by 4-5pm right now!

We are quite a distance from the nearest city for computer shops so right now its a bit too exhausting a round trip for me, but family have offered to get me a new laptop for xmas, so then I only have to find the money and someone to transfer the information.

Re: Tulpa's ...I had honestly never heard of them before until Juno announced she was one! It seems to be 'her belief' that's who she is. Whoever she is I'm grateful for her strength and guidance right now and it's a nice feeling to have a 'twin' who understands you! ..At least I won't be totally alone for another winter of shielding and we're making plans and working towards being able to take a short break or holiday next summer.

Thank you to all who answered.

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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby Arik » Sun Oct 17, 2021 1:07 pm

Daniel wrote:If you feel the backstories are a bit problematic for your healing process, it might be a good idea to give some "Backstories 101" lesson inside and remind them that backstories are a bit like an Innerworld's myths and legends. They are important stories, but they are not the objective reality. Yet they can still exist as important myths and legends because even if myths and legends are not the objective reality, they are important for other reasons.

To me, it seems that Jeanette's story includes information that I had forgotten about myself. Therefore, depending on the nature of the system/interworld, the history of an alter can provide valuable information.
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Re: Wondering how to procede with this?

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Oct 18, 2021 7:07 am

Arik wrote:
Daniel wrote:If you feel the backstories are a bit problematic for your healing process, it might be a good idea to give some "Backstories 101" lesson inside and remind them that backstories are a bit like an Innerworld's myths and legends. They are important stories, but they are not the objective reality. Yet they can still exist as important myths and legends because even if myths and legends are not the objective reality, they are important for other reasons.

To me, it seems that Jeanette's story includes information that I had forgotten about myself. Therefore, depending on the nature of the system/interworld, the history of an alter can provide valuable information.


It is exactly why they are important. Myths and legends do contain important informations that are remembred in a symbolic way. They talk about real fears and other emotions, real dangers, real traumas, but they turn it in a symbolic way.

As an example, legends from the south of France talk about dragons living in rivers (there used to be huge alligators / crocodiles there at some point, some churches still keep stuffed dead crocs/gators in their collections under the name of dragon) ; they also talk about how the dragons were poisoning the people and that a saint came to destroy the dragon and bring christianism (a metaphor for how christianism destroyed the "poisonous satanic dragon" of paganism). These legends talk about real events, but not about real dragons.

I hope my example helps illustrating the point I was trying to make. My apologies if it was unclear at first.
__
Daniel.
Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion) or Daniel ♂ɸ (Zamiel + David)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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