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How do you close with a T?

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How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Tue Oct 12, 2021 1:13 am

Our T finally replied to our email trying to get her to see reason. She beat around the bush, wouldn't state where she stood, but just, "Here's my areas of specialty and I do want to keep helping you."

Clearly...it's done. We can only let nothingness rule us right now because this is going to gut us and we have no idea how we are supposed to keep going now, but...

We *NEED* a CLOSE with our T. We need it to be CLEARLY over - to have no open door to come back and to not have a fight with her as we leave. We don't see any benefit to our mental health where we leave hating her guts or, just as bad for us, she leaves the door open and we're tempted back when we NEED TO GO if this isn't going to work for our needs. We know we're clingy and hate to have to leave and being given an option to return just means we can never be free. Even if she refused to see us again, we'll still be fighting with urges to reach out for years, we know this.

So what does a final session look like? What should we ask for out of a close? Not only have we never done this, we REALLY don't want to do this, but if she won't talk to all the alters, we all agree, it's not an acceptable situation and will be harmful to us, so we have go.

Goddamn, we're SO ANGRY at her for this! And that is something we don't want to be either - that's not going to help us either! ARG!

Suggestions?

And what do we do after this? We can't handle ever going through this again. Like every other bloody relationship EVER in our lives, this ended with us getting kicked in the teeth again, with us worse off, so we just can't. But then what do we do? We are so living on our last, thinnest thread at this point...
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby Purplesky » Tue Oct 12, 2021 1:33 am

I don't know. I ghosted the last one I was seeing for two years because I didn't feel like she was helpful the months prior and didn't really listen to me when I had said I didn't like taking meds (though do take them) and suggested I should keep taking them. She also never really understood the spectrum of DID/OSDD, so I had to repeatedly explain how it was for us. She also was kind of forgetful in replying to texts or late. If I just had PTSD, I would have stayed with her though.

Ideally, there would be a few sessions working up to fully leaving if needed, but if you don't feel heard, it would probably wouldn't be helpful, so it might just be best to let them know that you just no longer want to work with her and leave it at that.
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Tue Oct 12, 2021 2:42 pm

Purplesky wrote:Ideally, there would be a few sessions working up to fully leaving if needed, but if you don't feel heard, it would probably wouldn't be helpful, so it might just be best to let them know that you just no longer want to work with her and leave it at that.

*sigh* Maybe you're right. Save myself $200 and just give up now. :roll:

Gods, we're SO ANGRY about this. We did look at a few other Ts in that city last night (as we will not see one in our city), and a few at least listed DID...but most of them also noted they were Christian or spiritual and we're pretty hardcore atheist. It's fine if they are religious (our "current" T is), but if they are listing that as part of their practice, we feel that's not a good match...but then there's no one with DID experience. :roll:

Yeah... *sigh* guess we're just dong with this stupid therapy thing. Maybe that's fine. Our original fronter went because our alter of nothingness was co-conscious with her a lot and she was shocked by the level of numbness, but now that we know what we are and that it's just an alter, like...great, we wish they would front the entire time and we could just not care about anything, that's fine.

Bright side is we'll go from being stressed about money to being financially secure and that will reduce a lot of stress for us and we can let our numbing alters handle the rest, I guess... *shrug*
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Oct 12, 2021 7:18 pm

ConcealDontFeel wrote:Gods, we're SO ANGRY about this. We did look at a few other Ts in that city last night (as we will not see one in our city), and a few at least listed DID...but most of them also noted they were Christian or spiritual and we're pretty hardcore atheist. It's fine if they are religious (our "current" T is), but if they are listing that as part of their practice, we feel that's not a good match...but then there's no one with DID experience. :roll:

I hear you. You have every right to feel angry. I'm feeling pretty angry just hearing about this person's approach, which I consider grossly uninformed about current DID treatment. If I had a T who would not speak to our alters, OMG that's so contrary to guidelines and stupid. Can she find any current literature that recommends that?!?

I happen to feel exactly the same as you about a religious therapist. They're welcome to their own personal beliefs but I don't want a spec of religiosity in my therapy sessions. I really need somebody who's agnostic or atheist, though I hadn't really thought about it consciously before.

Personally I wouldn't go to a final meeting but I'd make sure I wrote up a declaration for everyone of us for why I/we made that decision and then enlist some of us to help stick to that decision. I don't recall we wrote a declaration the times we moved on from therapists, though we did write out a PROS and CONS list. We do have someone who was then pretty angry and stubborn that way and probably could have helped. We sometimes "assigned" big decisions to a place inside to avoid recidivism. We didn't realize then that the place was our alter Ulric.

Here's something that worked for us too. I knew I needed to move on from a T who wasn't overall problematic as our main therapist (though OK as a 15-minute psychopharmacologist). Because I couldn't find a DID specialist right away, I started seeing a young social worker who was available, cheap, and empathetic in a way that worked for us. She wasn't really familiar with DID and we didn't go longer than a couple months but having someone benevolent who wasn't working against our healing helped to tide us over until we found more of a specialist.
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Wed Oct 13, 2021 12:31 am

Johnny-Jack wrote:I'm feeling pretty angry just hearing about this person's approach, which I consider grossly uninformed about current DID treatment. If I had a T who would not speak to our alters, OMG that's so contrary to guidelines and stupid. Can she find any current literature that recommends that?!?

THANK YOU!!!!!!! We've sent her all sorts of things, INCLUDING the guidelines, which she thought was great...but still thinks she should only talk to the "core" self and we're pulling our hair out...there is no core self!

Johnny-Jack wrote:I happen to feel exactly the same as you about a religious therapist. They're welcome to their own personal beliefs but I don't want a spec of religiosity in my therapy sessions. I really need somebody who's agnostic or atheist, though I hadn't really thought about it consciously before.

Our T has never ever brought it up in our three years with her in regards to treatment, so that's totally fine. We do not require them to personally be atheist, but we do require them not to add religion or cosmic woo-woo to any treatment or it's hell naw! :lol:

Johnny-Jack wrote:Personally I wouldn't go to a final meeting

We really wanted a CLOSE. We have too many lose ends and too many people who fade away, claim they still care, continue to fade, but then we're always desperate to reach out to them. It's like a phantom limb you can never move on from. That or we end up hating her and we're not happy about that option either, but...if she can't even straight talk us to tell us what this session would be (continuing or a goodbye) then it's just going to be talking in circles and make us furious most likely.

We're *SO* upset about all this and at our wit's end with everything about life. It's basically the WORST time to be doing this, but if she's just going to piss us off every session, that isn't doing us any favours either and we might as well be financial stable for once instead. :roll:

Johnny-Jack wrote:Here's something that worked for us too. I knew I needed to move on from a T who wasn't overall problematic as our main therapist (though OK as a 15-minute psychopharmacologist). Because I couldn't find a DID specialist right away, I started seeing a young social worker who was available, cheap, and empathetic in a way that worked for us. She wasn't really familiar with DID and we didn't go longer than a couple months but having someone benevolent who wasn't working against our healing helped to tide us over until we found more of a specialist.

Well that was how this T was for the longest time and then some "expert" and some workshop got her on this kick and ruined everything! We don't need a DID specialist, but it made sense to look at that if we were going to even consider this again, but then our T's "expert" is the one feeding her all this crap, so there's nothing to say that's a good option either! UGH!
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby Una+ » Wed Oct 13, 2021 8:42 pm

I'm not on here much anymore, but this thread caught my attention. Ending work with a therapist is something I know a bit about, having done it several times. It is very similar to ending any other kind of long-term, intimate relationship where an attachment has formed. I have experience there too.

Feeling a need for closure is normal and expected, and usually we look to the other person to give us ease. But the other person cannot give us that, no matter what they say or do. We might have a final meeting with someone, and if we are lucky we might come away from it feeling that we are done, but what I have learned is the change in us and that feeling of being done is not inherent in the meeting. The change is in our *deciding* we are done and in our own ability to let go of the other person. This can be achieved without another person's cooperation.

After some relationships ended for me, I had to work for years on the letting go. It was hard! With no contact, it was hard. Contact made it so much harder.

Are you telling yourself "If only I can be with this person just one more time, and if they say exactly what I need to hear, then I know I will be able to let go." Um, no, that's you deceiving yourself. That's you looking for a fix, a dopamine high, your addictive drug of choice being this other person.

Don't go there.

What does a termination session look like? Generally, it is a rather dry planning meeting. There is a review of the prior objectives, work, and results (if any), and statements about how the client has skills and resources and will do X, Y, Z instead of seeing this therapist. If the jurisdiction requires the therapist to refer the client to another therapist, there may be a sheet of paper with a few names and phone numbers and some comments about the pros and cons of each therapist. There should be a statement about disposition of the therapy records. Any outstanding fees will be paid. There is saying goodbye, and feelings might be tender. There might be a few tears. But it is not a time for disclosure.

Here is what termination looks like for a therapist: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-gu ... ermination
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Wed Oct 13, 2021 11:05 pm

No, we are not going expecting her to say the right thing. We did not like our last one ending with us in a rage because she kept fighting on the approach. We did not talk about goodbye at all. There's a huge difference leaving in a big argument vs a respectful ending.

We've only ever had one true parting where it was a situation where we did not want to say goodbye, but had to as it was not working anymore. We've never had regret over that one and not pain like when someone cuts you out or you break it off in anger. It was still sad, we did not want it to end, but it was with true closing and purpose. True, that person did not need to be involved, it was a letter of goodbye, but we were hoping a T would be better to close it out and have a mutual parting.

We also didn't like that she kept keeping the door open. We'd say we're done, but she'd refuse to cancel our final session and say she'd be there waiting - that door left open is a problem for us, it's too hard not to use it. Like when people have faded from your life, you ask if they are done being friends and you get, "Oh, we're still friends and still love you" but then continue to never contact you. We'd rather they say, "Yes, we're done." It's okay to be done, to thank each other for what you gave when, but then to walk away. We thought a T would have this maturity to do this, hence what we expect from a closing.

The article you provided said it well: "The end of therapy can be a positive experience with a long-lasting impact on both the client and therapist. When successful, termination is an opportunity for closure. Together, the client and therapist take a step back and look at the personal growth that has slowly unfolded over the course of treatment—growth that may have gone unnoticed, had attention not been called to it."

Una+ wrote:disposition of the therapy records

What does that mean?
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Fri Oct 15, 2021 5:19 am

Gods, at this point we might not even care if the T would talk to all of us, she hasn't replied to our email from MONDAY to make her position clear. This dragging on and dodging $#%^ is just making us angrier by the day. We wrote her again to say, either it's yes you'll talk to all of us, or it's no and we don't want to see you anymore, even for a closing - you tell us which because it's YOUR call, woman! :evil:

The longer she leaves us to stew the more we think about how much that $800 back a month is sounding better and better and we can feel a sense of stress lifting off of us at the idea of not having to be so strapped for cash. Maybe ending therapy is just the right call in general, what good was it really doing us? Okay, fine, made us face our DID, but hasn't really done anything else for us either than make us feel like loser for having to pay someone to listen to us because we can't seem to keep any friends. :roll:
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby Una+ » Fri Oct 15, 2021 6:04 pm

I would have to say the termination experience you crave is not in your reach with this T.

Take your power back: make the decision yourself.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: How do you close with a T?

Postby ConcealDontFeel » Sun Oct 17, 2021 6:49 am

Una+ wrote:I would have to say the termination experience you crave is not in your reach with this T.

Take your power back: make the decision yourself.

We'd hardly call this taking back our power. We don't have any power for one. Gods, we are just so bloody sick of all of humanity and human society. We long to be able to escape from all humans for eternity.

This is just one more case of someone treating us wrong and now we're so angry at the tens of thousands of dollars just to get the same crappy outcome we've gotten from every human we've ever dealt with! :evil:

We're so beyond frustrated, so beyond burnt out. That we can't even have this ONE outlet anymore is beyond words our rage and despair.
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