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Kitty lover’s healing journey

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Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Wed Jun 09, 2021 1:33 pm

Trigger warnings - csa , ritual abuse , pregnancy loss/forced abortion

We saw many other people had threads like this and decided to make our own . The alters I’m aware of are : Myself (Jason, 25 he/him) , Alisha (2, she/her) ,lily (6 she/her) , frisk (10 they/them) ,Bethany (13 she/her) , hermione (18 she/her) , and shadow (is a being of darkness but is very nice he/him) . We have been through a lot of trauma in our life , and trying to heal from it all has been a long painful journey that we are still on. Our father emotionally , pysichally and sexually abused us since we were a baby , which I only learned a few years ago. In October he abruptly stopped making an effort to stay in contact with us , and since then we’ve only seen him on a few occasions . There were others involved in the csa too , and we have come to suspect that we were likely victims of ritual abuse. We are autistic , which combined with the abuse made us grow up feeling like a “bad kid” . Most recently we found out that we were pregnant at 13 and lost the baby to a forced abortion at 3/4 months pregnant which we have been having a lot of feelings about lately . We graduated college at the beginning of last year before the pandemic hit and have been trying to figure out what to do with our lives . We are living on our own but with quite a bit of help from our mother . We have a ...complicated relationship with her . She is somewhat in denial about the csa , and has been emotionally abusive at times but has done a lot of good things for us .
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby Truly_happy » Wed Jun 09, 2021 3:15 pm

I forgot to say this before, but welcome back to PF!

Anyway, it sounds like we have a lot in common. I look forward to reading your thread.

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Fri Jun 11, 2021 1:44 pm

Our dad was always careful to hide what he was doing to us from the world. I don't know if the group/cult wanted to give us DID or if it was an accident but it definitely helped my dad and the others.For example during our pregnancy I kind of knew that I was pregnant but I thought I was a virgin ,and it wasn't the first time I thought I was pregnant . (The other times it wasn't actually possible yet) Throughout my childhood there was a feeling that I was supposed to give birth to some sort of messiah. So anyway point is I knew but didn't completely believe it was true. And I knew people wouldn't believe me. I remember at one point either during the pregnancy or perhaps shortly after the abortion my math teacher pointed out the way we were putting our hand on our stomach in a concerned way, saying he hoped we didn't have an upset stomach . We didn't say anything. Sometimes I feel angry at our brain for helping him and them that way.By having us not remember how we got pregnant in that case (we still aren't sure when or by who it happened) .and we still hide. We are afraid of people not believing us about our abuse especially when RA came into the picture .We worry about just hearing what we've been through traumatizing people.When we were still in regular contact with our dad we worried about people hurting us. We only ever really tell people vague things about childhood trauma and having "daddy issues".We worry about people judging us for having DID so only a few people irl know.Lately that has made being social more difficult then usual because we worry about saying "we" when we shouldn't .
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Jun 11, 2021 2:10 pm

Please remember using Trigger Warnings in every posts you talk about sensitive topics.

That being said, we read, and we care.

Our abusers also took advantage of our dissociation. I am also pretty convinced they did not want specifically to make us DID. But they did make sure to "train" us into hiding what was happening, "trained" us into submission, "trained" us into being what they wanted us to be.

You do not need to know about DID to hurt someone and cause them to develop DID and take advantage of it.

It is sad that you feel like you have to hide your hurts in order to keep others around you, comfortable. It is unfair. The shame of the hurt shall be on the shoulders of the ones who hurt you.

You do not have to say that you have DID if you are not comfortable saying so. But it would be nice if the people around you were safe enough that you felt you could at least say you dissociate and have memory issues due to C-PTSD. People understand this better than DID.

Sending lots of support your way.

__
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Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

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Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby Truly_happy » Fri Jun 11, 2021 3:36 pm

*** Trigger warning for childhood pregnancy. ***

This is all so familiar to me. I remember a time around when I would have been pregnant thinking it felt like I was pregnant but not knowing about the abuse meant the doctors just thought I was having stomach issues and I got prescribed antacids instead of getting a pregnancy test. Looking back, I think my instincts were right. I was pregnant and not at all a virgin, too. I just say this not to burden you with my troubles (see, I feel the same way!) but to let you know you are not alone.

*** End trigger warning. ***

I get what you say about DID. It is a booger. You have it to protect your mind from the trauma, yet it can allow an abuser to keep abusing you for years and years without you even knowing you're being abused. How can you tell on the abuser if you don't know they are an abuser? It drives me nuts how my DID kept me silent until now. Like you, I remain silent because the truth is so damaging to those who are ignorant of the abuse.

Sorry I can't offer you any advise today. I just hope it consoles you some to know another person knows your pain.

- Marcella
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Cullen - male, 13, loves life
Marcella - female, 30s, visionary

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Sat Jun 12, 2021 1:15 am

Having a bad time tonight .body memories suck .
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jun 12, 2021 4:34 am

kittylover wrote:Having a bad time tonight .body memories suck .


Sorry to hear that. :( We hope things improve for all of you soon.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Sat Jun 12, 2021 11:14 pm

Trigger warning- csa , forced abortion

So mommy issues. As some background my mom was emotionally abused by her own father . She doesn’t call it abuse but that’s what it was. She’s the type of person who a lot of people think is a great person , and can be nice at times , but has a hidden emotionally abusive side. Shadow thinks she knew about what my dad was doing but she claims not to. She sometimes likes to come up with reasons why certain stories we tell her couldn’t have happened . For example saying that our dad couldn’t have lied on top of us to r*** us without seriously injuring us (how that happened is something I wonder too). But anyway our denial issues are bad enough without that . So yeah obviously not about to tell her about my suspicions of RA or the forced abortion. Last night I had body memories of what felt a bit like labor pains. It seems like they must have given me some sort of drug to induce labor . And we are appearently so good at hiding we hid that from her . Our cat has often been sitting next to us when we’re having a bad time , and she was doing that last night. It just seems weird that a cat can tell if something is off with us better then our own mom. I wanted to put a picture for cuteness points but it is being weird and not letting me.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Jun 13, 2021 10:44 am

First of all, sending a lot of moral support!

We don't like calling these things "daddy issues" and "mommy issues" because we undersand the expression to mean "it is your fault that you have issues in your relationships with your family" while in fact, there are a lot of traumas and very good traumatic reasons to have problematic relationships with the family!

Most abusers were themselves victims when younger. They are trapped in the repetition of the trauma. It does not mean that it's okay for them to become abusers!!! Also, abusers who know how to keep a face on the outside and are abusive in the family, have absolutely zero excuse because they are very aware that what they are doing is wrong!

Saying that "Your abuse did not happen" and similar stuff is called Gaslighting and it's a very abusive psychology thing! Also it "trains" some dissociated parts into denial of the trauma and leads to abuse within the different system members :(

Cats are awesome! They know when we are feeling down and they purr to help us feel better! They are little angels! Cats are the best! Abusive humans sometimes make a point of ignoring when we are in need of help (it's a form of abuse, I think it's called neglect?) but animals are too "simple-minded" to do that. They see their favourite human being down, they come and cuddle and do their best to help.

For the pictures, they need to be small enough to be embedded, and you need to upload them somewhere else.

Good luck on your recovery journey!

__
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Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Sun Jun 13, 2021 9:14 pm

Trigger warnings:csa ritual abuse
I wrote this about my cousin who molested us when the body was around 10/11. He was a teenager himself at the time .His was the first csa I remembered , well I never forgot it , but it was the reason I first came into the csa survivor community. Also don’t take this as me telling anyone else how to feel about their own abuser(s) it is just my feelings.

I used to hate my cousin . Now my perspective is so much different . I see that my uncle was/is part of whatever group/cult my dad  was/is part of (who knows if they could be off abusing other kids there still. I wish I had some hard evidence of what my dad or any of them did so I could make sure no more kids get hurt, but I doubt courts will take my repressed memories as enough evidence) . I see that my cousin was most likely ,like me an abused kid.Now to a certain point that doesn’t change anything. He knew that what he was doing was wrong or else he wouldn’t have gone in the basement to do it. He was alone with me , no one was forcing him to do it. In fact now I finally understand why my dad seemed so weirdly hypocritical , seeing my cousin molesting me as wrong , when he did worse to me . My cousin molesting me wasn’t supposed to happen. I was never supposed to remember any of my trauma. In a way ... if it weren’t for what my cousin did I may have never gotten safe , gotten away from my dad and the others. I don’t know what my cousin is doing either , he could be abusing his girlfreind’s kids and/or other kids in his spare time . But I hope maybe he’s recovering from his trauma , maybe he’s become a better person then he was as a teenager. I know I’ve become a better person since I was a teenager. Some people , like my father are just pure evil. I’ve always wondered , and probably always will, how someone can see a little baby , their baby that they helped to create and be evil enough to take advatage of them sexually. But maybe , although what he did was wrong my cousin might not be one of those people.

-- Sun Jun 13, 2021 4:18 pm --

Trigger warnings:csa ritual abuse
I wrote this about my cousin who molested us when the body was around 10/11. He was a teenager himself at the time .His was the first csa I remembered , well I never forgot it , but it was the reason I first came into the csa survivor community. Also don’t take this as me telling anyone else how to feel about their own abuser(s) it is just my feelings.

I used to hate my cousin . Now my perspective is so much different . I see that my uncle was/is part of whatever group/cult my dad  was/is part of (who knows if they could be off abusing other kids there still. I wish I had some hard evidence of what my dad or any of them did so I could make sure no more kids get hurt, but I doubt courts will take my repressed memories as enough evidence) . I see that my cousin was most likely ,like me an abused kid.Now to a certain point that doesn’t change anything. He knew that what he was doing was wrong or else he wouldn’t have gone in the basement to do it. He was alone with me , no one was forcing him to do it. In fact now I finally understand why my dad seemed so weirdly hypocritical , seeing my cousin molesting me as wrong , when he did worse to me . My cousin molesting me wasn’t supposed to happen. I was never supposed to remember any of my trauma. In a way ... if it weren’t for what my cousin did I may have never gotten safe , gotten away from my dad and the others. I don’t know what my cousin is doing either , he could be abusing his girlfreind’s kids and/or other kids in his spare time . But I hope maybe he’s recovering from his trauma , maybe he’s become a better person then he was as a teenager. I know I’ve become a better person since I was a teenager. Some people , like my father are just pure evil. I’ve always wondered , and probably always will, how someone can see a little baby , their baby that they helped to create and be evil enough to take advatage of them sexually. But maybe , although what he did was wrong my cousin might not be one of those people.
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