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Kitty lover’s healing journey

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Sep 30, 2021 10:15 pm

But do you recall him treating you badly in any other way? Why is sexual abuse the only thing that would make you not want to spend time with him?

In any case, while image memories might not be reality, body feelings always are. So does your body feel warm and affectionate toward him, or creeped out, nauseous, and wanting to avoid him?

The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Oct 01, 2021 5:56 am

I second what the Gang said. Emotions cannot be faked. If there is a strong emotion of not wanting to be with a person, listen to this emotion.

It does not matter at first why you have this emotion. What matters is that this emotion is doing its best to protect you by making you stay away from the person.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby spinningtops » Fri Oct 01, 2021 7:43 am

hi i am probably missing a lot of context (i can only read so much then i start to blank out,,, so reading way back is very hard for me) anyways so you said here ,

"I’m scared I’m being a jerk because I’m scared that my memories of him abusing me are all fake , and then I’m ignoring him for no reason."

And to me, a couple things come to mind. 1) that you are feeling guilt in a weird way, for me guilt comes up at weird times and i have ask myself is this a reason to feel this? Or maybe you're afraid of their reaction. that they won't like and accept your feelings.. :/ either way I know this is hard and deep stuff. I think just keep paying attention and give yourself any space you can to just be and be in the safest space for you possible. I think of course you should feel safe, and the fact that you don't with them is key, and even if you can't find the reason for it, i think something is there to that.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Sat Oct 02, 2021 8:43 pm

So usually when I’m with my dad whether it’s a fawn response or programming or whatever but I basically turn to putty in his hands. This time I was fighting the urge to curse him out the whole time . I don’t know if it’s because I’ve connected more with my alters which is helping us overcome our programming , or maybe finding out about his role in my baby’s death gave me another reason to be angry at him , but it’s clear something has changed.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Mon Oct 18, 2021 7:11 pm

Hey I’m the alter that used to be known as satan . We decided that we are trying to find a different name for me , one that doesn’t cause more problems for the main frontier then he already has (people assuming I’m evil/will murder them , he’s worried about people “figuring out” we were SRA based on who I’m an introject of too.) I think we’ve settled on Loki. The characterization of him in the marvel movies is something that I relate to ,and is someone people associate more with a trickster capable of good , then the pinacle of evil itself people associate with satan.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby gremandco » Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:20 pm

that sounds like a really cool name !! hello, loki :D

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Thu Oct 21, 2021 8:33 pm

Trigger warning- discussion of programming

So I got Loki to become a better person , and he even introduced himself to our T . And now there’s another , eviler satan around -what’s freaky is this is exactly what we read in becoming yourself….. about programmed persecutor type alters having back ups that come out when the original has been deprogrammed. So this is more evidence that we really were programmed….
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Oct 22, 2021 6:38 am

Or it is simply evidence that some part of your mind still needs to "act mean" because they think it is useful in a way.

Programming, from what I learnt about it, is less scary than what people think it is. It is more like a heavy training/conditionning. Even though from the inside it does feel like being "programmed" I dislike using the word because there is some permanency to it. I prefer to talk about training or conditionning since they sound more like they include the possibility of changing what we learnt, re-conditionning ourselves for healthier behaviors, re-training ourselves for self-protection. It sounds easier to do than re-programming one's mind.

It's just a vocabulary choice from our part.

As an example, we were conditionned by our environment to go for a fawning response in anticipation whenever someone moves around us. Still, we are slowly learning there are other ways of behaving that are better for us and the people around us. We managed to maintain boundaries in some situations, and with patience and help we are even learning to fight in some situations when it is needed.

Lust was conditionned to... well, given her name it is obvious. And yet, with the help of us all, and with all the therapy and everything we do to get better on an everyday basis, she is learning to stop coming to front when the situation would have triggered her. With our help as well as trauma therapy, she is also learning to engage into other actions than what she was trained to do. As an example, she is learning to say "no". Or, when she does not feel like she is able to say it herself, at least she can get another one of us to say "no" for her in the physical world.

We can learn to change.

I am sure that with time and patience you can discover why "satan" needed a backup, why it is important that such an alter keeps roaming the system, and how to teach them to do their job in a healthier and more adapted way. As an example, some "persecutor" alters just want to help motivating and protecting the system, but they do not know how to do it otherwise than repeating the bad words and actions learnt from the abusers. Give them some teaching about healthier motivationnal actions and more adapted protective actions, anchore them into the here and now, and it's like turning on a light inside their head. They finally see that they can stop their past behaviors and engage into new, healthier and more adapted ones.

Do not hesitate to talk to your T about it. There are specific aspects of therapy for this.
__
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Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Thu Oct 28, 2021 5:57 pm

we told our T the story of our pregnancy today…. feeling depressed , not that she did anything wrong , it’s just not a fun story to tell

-- Thu Oct 28, 2021 1:07 pm --

we told our T the story of our pregnancy today…. feeling depressed , not that she did anything wrong , it’s just not a fun story to tell
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:38 pm

Trying to stay strong as thanksgiving approaches , to not see my dad. At one point a few weeks ago when I was worrying about him , about the signs of depression he’s showing loki reminded me that a bit more then a year ago now I thought my dad was likely to die soon because he wasn’t letting my mom help him with his meds , and he has diabetes so you really don’t want to mess those types of things up. Anyway look where he is now …. For better or worse still alive.  Yesterday I was in the middle of  watching a movie at my mental health day program when a man who’s voice sounded like his came in . A few seconds later I realized it wasn’t him - it was one of the bus drivers . But it was a pretty good demonstration . Because people who don’t have abusive parents don’t get freaked out and triggered at the mere thought they might have unexpectedly come for them. They don’t have literal nightmares where they are running from them or yelling at them the way they wish they could.
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