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Kitty lover’s healing journey

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Jul 27, 2021 7:51 am

Hello Marriane!

We felt the same when we started living by ourselves. We used to have people around telling us what to do and once out of their grip, it was like, what do we do with ourselves now?

First thing we did was resting and recovering.

Then we tried a lot of things that seemed fun (painting, waking outside, playing with the cat, clay modeling, tons of arts and crafts and games too!) until we found what we liked.

We also found a lot of nice lists on Pinterst to help check what to clean in the house and when and how, as well as journalling prompts. They helped a lot too!

Now we do not have enough time with 24 hours a day.

Take your time, breathe, you can do it! You can recover!
__
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Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion & trauma holder)
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Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Mon Aug 02, 2021 7:11 pm

Trigger warnings- self harm , pregnancy and loss, csa

I’m not sure why we’ve been feeling like self harming lately… my only guess is that all the stress from various things has just piled up on us. Our stepsister recently became pregnant and her first ultrasound is tommorow. If you have spent any time in the pregnancy loss community you know exactly what the worst case scenario of that is , and how unfortunately common it is. I’ve been praying to whatever deities might be up there that they find a heartbeat , for her and her husband’s sake as well as mine . I’m going to go to the my uncle and aunts lake house in a couple weeks . My uncle , as satan put it “I don’t think he sexually abused anyone , he just didn’t care about his kids” . That is a censored quote by the way. I’ve read the psych forum rules and technically it doesn’t forbid cursing but we haven’t seen anyone else do it so we aren’t about to .but still I don’t like him. And my cousin who molested me when I was like 10/11 might be there at some point . I’ve pretty much forgiven him at this point , he was a teenager himself and was likely sexually abused as a kid . Oh and the pandemic is getting worse again here so I’m worried about that. We’re vaccinated but still.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Wed Aug 04, 2021 7:03 pm

Trigger warnings-pregnancy, ritual abuse

We have good news ! Everything’s fine with our stepsister , they found the baby’s heartbeat! Obviously things can still go round but that’s one big hurdle passed.

Marianne started writing something here about feeling like she’s bad , which is something we’ve all struggled with . She said that one of the cult leaders she calls our “master” always said that he was punishing us for something when he hurt us . And that she wonders if it’s her fault that he abandoned us , because we failed at whatever our role was supposed to be .
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Aug 05, 2021 6:53 am

Big mood, Marianne! The body's mother used to use the same "excuse" to abuse us. We tried to find what we "did wrong" for a long time and ended up with the thought that "existing" was what we did wrong.

Then we realized, hey, if she had a problem with us, she could have given us up for adoption. So, it's all HER fault in the end if she decided to keep us to abuse us.

So the abuse tells more about HER than about US.
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Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion & trauma holder)
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Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Sun Aug 15, 2021 9:46 pm

Well I’m sitting at a table with my cousin right now. I’m worried for his girlfriends kids , there’s an awkwardness between us that suggests he probably does remember , but the anger I once had towards him is gone . I’d like him to acknowledge what he did and apologize but I guess this is a start . We stopped at a hotel by the beach on the way for the night last night , I felt really anxious/triggered in the hotel room for some reason , maybe related to trafficking? 
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Tue Aug 17, 2021 3:22 am

Trigger warning : ritual abuse
I did some walking around in Salem today and it was a bit frustrating . We’ve always been very interested in magic , we were that kid who spent 5th grade thinking they were going to hogwarts . Perhaps it was because of the RA , we’ve read that interest in the occult is a symptom. Anyway now we can’t be around witchy things without worrying about seeing pentagrams , because that’s a trigger for us . And in online spaces we don’t exactly feel comfortable asking people to trigger warn for them…….
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Tue Aug 24, 2021 3:31 am

So it’s been a long standing inside joke in my system to say “my alter made me (insert embarrassing but ultimately harmless thing) “ like “my alter made me watch my little pony” to make fun of the whole stereotype of the evil alter who comes out to murder people . Well my newest one is “my alter keeps calling my mom the b word in my head and I don’t like it” (it’s satan . He has a dirty mouth. That makes it even funnier that the worst thing my alter who identifies as satan does is annoy me by calling my mom a word I don’t like in my head) I just thought maybe you guys would appreaciate our sense of humor.
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Thu Aug 26, 2021 12:19 am

Trigger warning : mention of past suicide attempt
I finally told my friends from my dnd group that I have a dissociative disorder . Speaking of jokes ,I found that “I’m secretly like 10 people in a trenchcoat “ is a good way to explain what that means to people who don’t know about it. And speaking of dnd , we were thinking about what alignments our alters would have starting with thinking that satan is more between chaotic good and chaotic neutral then evil as people might expect him to be . For people who don’t know basically in dnd there are 9 alignments , which have the aspect of good versus evil which is pretty self explanatory and lawful and chaotic which is about whether you stick with laws/social norms or not. Anyway

Me : neutral good
Alisha : chaotic toddler (she’s 2)
Lily : lawful good
Frisk: lawful neutral working towards good
Marianne: chaotic good
Hermione : lawful good (she isn’t sure she’s good and not neutral but given that she pretty much saved our life from a suicide attempt in November I think that pushes her over)
Shadow : chaotic good
(Inb4 but that’s only 8 : there definetly are at least 2 more those are just the ones I’ve connected enough with )
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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Aug 26, 2021 7:32 am

"I'm secretly 10 people in a trench coat" is a fun way of explainin dissociation. Another one that we like is the movie "Inside out" (also titled "Vice versa" in other versions). We like it because each characters inside the head have a different system of actions, and they have to learn to function all together because they are all needed together.

Just like in DID, all alters are needed to work together.
__
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Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion & trauma holder)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: Kitty lover’s healing journey

Postby kittylover » Thu Aug 26, 2021 10:40 pm

I forgot about Vanessa! She’s chaotic good

-- Thu Aug 26, 2021 5:41 pm --

I forgot about Vanessa! She’s chaotic good
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