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Strugling to come to terms

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Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Fri Apr 30, 2021 12:26 pm

So I'm new to this system idea and no matter how many videos and blogs I read on systems, DID and everything in between. I'm finding it hard to aply anything I'm learning to thoes that live in this body with me.

I've lived happly with 2 others for years. That would be Raven who supported me and comforted. Then Lou who is a child and rarely said anything.
Unfortunately a few years back a persecuter appeared, shadow. But even he remained quite unless brought forward with specific triggers.

Then my partner had a break down a few months back. In the last 3 months, 2 new alters have appeared (Boi and Rainar) and everything has fallen appart.

None of this makes sence. I'm not convinced Rainar is real. Im not even sure if I (syra) am real. Im forgetting everything all the time like I never have before. Im more parinoyed that one of the others is going to do something stupid. Im more depressed than ever and my life is falling appart.

I hope by being here with others of similar experance, can shed some light on my experances, on our experances. I always thought I lived on the border between reality and fiction. I've clearly fallen one way or the other. If the best I get from being here is the conclusion that I am fake. It's still a resalt.

If anyone is able to answer some questions that would be great.
Is it possible for an alter to talk in multiple accents?
How can you work out who the original was, who the body belongs to?
Any tips how to deal with an abusive alter?
Is it normal for the voices of others to go quite for a time?

Sorry for the long talk, thank you for reading
- syra
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 01, 2021 10:16 am

TheHiveMind wrote:In the last 3 months, 2 new alters have appeared (Boi and Rainar) and everything has fallen appart.


From our knowledge, it is common for people with DID to have new alters show up when things get tough, because dissociation is the primary coping mechanism.

TheHiveMind wrote:I'm not convinced Rainar is real. Im not even sure if I (syra) am real.


From what we know/experienced, this is linked to depersonnalization/derealization. Zami had a lot of those kinds of feelings when they started to become more aware of the rest of the system. It eased up when we started working together as a team.

TheHiveMind wrote:Im forgetting everything all the time like I never have before.


Dissociative amnesia becomes more visible when we become more aware of the rest of the system. Do not hesitate to have a look at the Guidelines for treatment of DID, they have advices on how to ease up amnesia. Tools for AD(H)D people also can prove useful in keeping the life on tracks.

TheHiveMind wrote:Im more parinoyed that one of the others is going to do something stupid.


This is why communication is important between the different parts. It helps to decide over rules for everyone in the system to follow in order to make the "stupid things" forbidden, for example. Inner communication (through mock-chat apps, paper journal, a shared electronic document...) helps keeping everything on tracks as well as setting boundaries, or taking decisions all of the parts together.

TheHiveMind wrote:Im more depressed than ever and my life is falling appart.


From what we know, it's common to feel worse when we become aware of being dissociative. It gets better as we find ways to make it all work, tools for inner communication, start getting trauma therapy, etc.

TheHiveMind wrote:I always thought I lived on the border between reality and fiction. I've clearly fallen one way or the other. If the best I get from being here is the conclusion that I am fake. It's still a resalt.


Welcome in the "denial" zone! It's a place DID people visit from time to time. Last time we did, we woke up in the middle of the night feeling very enlightened, and wrote down something along the lines of "I do not have DID, I just have..." followed with a perfect depiction of what DID is.

We are kinda stupid sometimes.

TheHiveMind wrote:Is it possible for an alter to talk in multiple accents?


Why couldn't they?

TheHiveMind wrote:How can you work out who the original was, who the body belongs to?


There is no "original" per se in a system, though this name can be given to the first alter to be formed, or to the host, depending on how the system feels about it.

The body belongs to the whole system. A system is composed of different parts of the same individual. Think like different pieces of the same puzzle. You need all the pieces to work together in order to have the full picture. There is no piece more important than the others.

TheHiveMind wrote:Any tips how to deal with an abusive alter?


They are named "persecutors". Usually they act out of the desire to protect the system from external abuse, but it is not a healthy way of doing it. They use the logic that, if THEY abuse the system, then it is less worse than if an outsider does it AND the outsider will stop abusing the system since the system is already abused. (It's a very rough picture/explanation, do not hesitate to google "persecutor alter" or "dealing with persecutor alter" to get more insight!)

TheHiveMind wrote:Is it normal for the voices of others to go quite for a time?


Yep it is! Not every alter is active all the time / at the same time. Some alters become dormant/quiet for years! Some show up only once in a while. Some are "regulars". Some are active only for specific tasks/situations. Every system has their own dynamics.

TheHiveMind wrote:Sorry for the long talk


There is nothing to apologize for! Forums are MADE to allow for walls of text and asking a fudgeton of questions and getting answers for them!

Hope I could be of some help and that other members will give you answers too! (Different people can have different opinions/knowledge and it's always nice to have many different answers!)

__
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Hohenheim | Trisha | Urielle{Uriel|Theia} | X/Solomon/David/Scar | Ulysses | Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | {Zami} | Saul | Aragorn | Sherlock Holmes | Envy | {Isaïa|Reyna} ...

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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Sat May 01, 2021 5:19 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:Hope I could be of some help and that other members will give you answers too! (Different people can have different opinions/knowledge and it's always nice to have many different answers!)

__
Urielle.



Thank you so much for replying. It's nice to know we finally found somewhere to get answers that isnt just google.
I've been looking around as much as I can for help. I was the first that tried to find us a therapist. (Syra is terrified of it because of past trauma) but no one seems willing to accept us. So we are trying to go it alone. Any advice or tips would be great.
Unfortunately comunication isnt great between us untill it's to late. I.e. shouting match because someone didnt act like we normally would.

Is it good for each of us to have our own items or should we try to work with what we already have?

Any advice on how to help littles?

- Boi
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby KitMcDaydream » Sun May 02, 2021 11:49 am

HI

We have had a similar experience but it was the breakdown of the host for us and some other stuff stressed us out so much it triggered others out.

We haven't had any therapy but we started a journal, the daily stuff didn't really do much for us but it gave us the idea of writing as if doing an autobiography and found old photo's so they could come out identify who they were from photo's which gave us a timeline (most of ours are versions of the original' but some aren't.

For us our original was the one who spent the first 16 years in the body and has those memories. They identify with the birth name.

Huge changes for the body (medical issues/disabilities), a legal name change and bereavement of main carer meant our original dissociated from the body completely, since then its been run by other hosts. Most were not aware of being a multiple whilst up front though.

We found through doing the autobiography that the original had been slipping out over the years, but the peri-menopaue starting seemed to trigger her coming out for longer periods and 'wanting her body back'! We've had 5 yrs of chaos so far!!! :shock:

Jody
(temporary host)

Edited to add: Video games seem to have helped out littles. It gave them a way to act things out and pay tribute to things they felt important eg one little named her animal crossing character after the originals mum who died years ago (when she was still a teen) and has created an island where the original (who also has their own copy of AC on a different switch) can visit 'her mum'.

Some we have realised have a 'gender neutral mindset' after watching how they dress Link on Breath of the Wild) where you can put Link in different outfits and dye his clothes. The kinds of games they prefer or their favourite parts of them (ie exploring or puzzles versus just wanting to fight/kill everything) has told us quite a bit about one that is non-verbal.

Expensive stuff like consoles we share and select different style of games. If one likes colouring they can have their own colouring book but the art materials are shared (pencils, paints etc). One only likes to sketch and only in black and white, they have their own sketch book.
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Sun May 02, 2021 8:42 pm

KitMcDaydream wrote:
Edited to add: Video games seem to have helped out littles. It gave them a way to act things out and pay tribute to things they felt important eg one little named her animal crossing character after the originals mum who died years ago (when she was still a teen) and has created an island where the original (who also has their own copy of AC on a different switch) can visit 'her mum'.

Some we have realised have a 'gender neutral mindset' after watching how they dress Link on Breath of the Wild) where you can put Link in different outfits and dye his clothes. The kinds of games they prefer or their favourite parts of them (ie exploring or puzzles versus just wanting to fight/kill everything) has told us quite a bit about one that is non-verbal.

Expensive stuff like consoles we share and select different style of games. If one likes colouring they can have their own colouring book but the art materials are shared (pencils, paints etc). One only likes to sketch and only in black and white, they have their own sketch book.


Thanks for replying.

We found reading to our little helps her. We have quite a lot of art stuff everyone uses of and on. There is a few games online to everyone has acess to. All helps us get out our emotions which had always been an issue.

Syra has been trying to block out everyone again. Even when I've been fronting recently. They just cant deal with it. We used to write stories alot and they think all of thoes charcters could be alters to. So they thinks we are all just charcters and made up.
I'm not brave enough to say anything. They are in charge given they are the main host. What can be done.
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon May 03, 2021 6:49 pm

TheHiveMind wrote:Syra has been trying to block out everyone again. Even when I've been fronting recently. They just cant deal with it. We used to write stories alot and they think all of thoes charcters could be alters to. So they thinks we are all just charcters and made up.


If I may adress Syra directly:

There is a difference between a character that you create and can manipulate/puppet around, and other parts of your mind who developped identities different from yours. It becomes a little bit more complicated when some alters take the shape of the characters that you invent. Or characters who were invented by others. Most of our system is made of "fictive introjections" meaning, alters who took the shape and name of fictive characters.

But, we still exist as alters, pieces of the same mind, members of the same team. We are akin to the many heads of a hydra. You can never know for sure when the heads will stop sprouting, but one sure thing is that, we are all in the same boat. Which means that we need to work together to have the best possible life.

In the end, it does not matter really how individualized/separated we are from each-others, how independent we are from each-others. What matters is that, we need to work together. We need to get better. We need to address our past traumas, work on dealing with our emotions in a healthy way, set boundaries for ourselves and outsiders (other physical people) and maintain them in a healty assertive way, keep our life on tracks, keep our body healthy.

It does not really matter how much of "separate individuals" we are, how much akin to "masks" or "character roles" we are. What matters is to work together as a team towards a common goal. What matters is to be here for each-others and hold each-others through hard times.

What matters is, self-care.

I know it can be difficult at times. Especially when we start realizing how badly hurt it means we are when we dissociate that much.

But it gets better. I promise it does. Working together makes it all better.

Take care, Syra. And the rest of the system, too.

__
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Hohenheim | Trisha | Urielle{Uriel|Theia} | X/Solomon/David/Scar | Ulysses | Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | {Zami} | Saul | Aragorn | Sherlock Holmes | Envy | {Isaïa|Reyna} ...

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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Mon May 03, 2021 7:45 pm

Is it possible for alters to mutiny?
Raven just locked himself away and refused to get involved. Normally he helps sort things out. But now I'm on my own and I cant talk to anyone. No one responds.
I'm terrified that I get stuck like this and have to tell our partner.
I know everyone keeps saying to work together and communicate. But no one wants to and syra just dictates.
Tried talking to friends who are multiple and they lost patience with me. They didnt understand why we cant work together.
I dont know what to do.
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby Johnny-Jack » Mon May 03, 2021 8:39 pm

TheHiveMind wrote:Is it possible for alters to mutiny?
Raven just locked himself away and refused to get involved. Normally he helps sort things out. But now I'm on my own and I cant talk to anyone. No one responds.

This has happened to us. It's not a mutiny per se, sometimes others are depressed or feel hopeless or knows they're not safe enough to front, even if they don't verbalize that.

We never go stone cold silent but those available can't always help. We have an internal self helper who always responds, though with mixed results, and a 9-year-old who, since he woke up again, is always accessible, but he can't help much with adult things.

Even it feels like a mutiny, even if they describe it as a mutiny, there may be other things going on that would best be described with another word. Mutiny is a word heavy with connotations of combat and betrayal. Not that mutiny might not be the right word sometimes. We've just found saying "not participating" or "not available" helps keep the ones doing the thinking about it neutral.

Another point is that we've often been frustrated that alters who we'd like to front don't. Maybe we're hoping they'll just take care of whatever we're dealing with. Later we've learned (been told) that our system just doesn't really work like that.
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue May 04, 2021 9:10 am

In order to start being able to communicate and cooperate, there can be prior steps needed.

Such as, taking care of trauma things, accepting we are dissociative, self-care, validation of emotions, trauma therapy... The Guidelines can help gather ideas of what to do. Click here to access the pdf

Coming to terms with being a bunch of identities in a trenchcoat, with the amnesias and different points of view and all, can take time. Self-care is important!

It's completely okay for some alters to not want to do some stuff. It's teamwork. Which means, working with everybody's feelings, weaknesses, traumas, strong points, opinions.

Syra, it's normal to be frightened by the whole situation. To feel like the other alters are stealing your life or that they might hijack it. But, harassing them is NOT going to make them disappear! There are better things you can do, though. Getting to know them, setting rules so that they do NOT do bad stuff, organizing who does what and when, things like that. It's a relief in a way, having headmates to help you do the stuff you don't want to/cannot do. Like, you dont want to do the dishes? "Who is volunteer to do the dishes please?" and poof, there you have someone else doing the dishes for you! Having issues filling in administration papers? Just shout "Administration papers time!" inside and be amazed that an other alter is perfectly able to deal with that stuff.

The other alters are not strangers invading your head/body. They are other parts of you. You, Syra, are a bit like the head of the body - and the other alters are a bit like the hands, feet etc. You can help coordinate them. But if you start hurting them, it's you that you are hurting, too! :(

Raven, it's okay to need time alone and away from the rest of the system. Take care, buddy. If there are things you wanna talk about on the forums or need advice how to deal with, don't hesitate, okay? Or try to find another one inside of your system that can help you sort things out. One of the roles inside of systems is "inner self helper" it's a bit like the local therapist in a way. If your system have one, they can help you sort things out!

Isn't that awesome?

It's tough, learning to live with all the headmates, dealing with inner drama and stuff. It takes time. But it's do-able. And when everything starts falling into place, it's juste awesome.

You can do it together, y'all! Baby steps!

__
Zami.
Autistic, DID

Alter {sub-systems} | he/him | she/her | they/them

Hohenheim | Trisha | Urielle{Uriel|Theia} | X/Solomon/David/Scar | Ulysses | Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | {Zami} | Saul | Aragorn | Sherlock Holmes | Envy | {Isaïa|Reyna} ...

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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Tue May 04, 2021 9:39 am

ArbreMonde wrote:.
Syra, it's normal to be frightened by the whole situation. To feel like the other alters are stealing your life or that they might hijack it. But, harassing them is NOT going to make them disappear!


Syra was an alter that took over from me (boi) when the body was younger. She was a protector that became a persecuter. She fogot all that and thinks this is all hers. Now she has found a way out and has gone quite. Harming the body never bothred her. She never cared about herself never mind the rest of us.

ArbreMonde wrote:.
Raven, it's okay to need time alone and away from the rest of the system. Take care, buddy. If there are things you wanna talk about on the forums or need advice how to deal with, don't hesitate, okay? Or try to find another one inside of your system that can help you sort things out. One of the roles inside of systems is "inner self helper" it's a bit like the local therapist in a way. If your system have one, they can help you sort things out!


Raven used to be the "inner self helper" he would comfort me. He would sort syra out if she became to pushy or emotional and hysterical. But when things changed he was pushed to the front and it changed him. He became quite and bairly there. Interacting with our partner put him on edge because raven is asexual.

But everyone has gone quite and left me (Boi) on my own. I really dont know what to do. I'm lonely and pretending to be syra so people dont suspect anything is hard. Everyone tends to ignore me, I'm just the week pathetic one.

Boi

__
Zami.[/quote]
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Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her) Rainar (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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