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Strugling to come to terms

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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby IainEtc » Tue May 04, 2021 10:32 am

Hi,

Sometimes when our system is super upset and people hide or stop talking it means there's a trigger that's going on. Host can't always tell because he's clueless, but it's there.

We help our Littles by doing stuff good parents do for kids. We read to them from kids books and have art supplies. We're picky about what they watch on TV and make sure they have a snack before bed. We don't yell at them or punish them so they feel safe. We didn't know any of this stuff so we had to learn it from parenting books - but it works.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Tue May 04, 2021 8:27 pm

Our relashionship with our partner is causing a lot of problems right now.
It's long distance and due to problems on their end we are lucky to text maybe twice a week. Things with us change rapidly yet when we text them they dont seem to accept anything different.

Hell broke loose last time syra went dormant. our partner got angry and demanded to speak to syra and ignored me (boi) all together. Then started insulting syra because it hurt him. Syra never has really been the same since.
I'm feeling sick because we speak to him tomorrow and I'm (boi) on my own. I dont know what to do. I love him even if I'm nothing to him.
I know he is having problems his end and we give him some release.
I just... I always roll over for people bit this is going to hurt us both.

Boi
Multiple System
Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed May 05, 2021 9:47 am

This is going to be hard to take in but, even if your partner is struggling, this is no reason to disrespect you.

Personnal issues or mental health issues are never a reason to disrespect other people.

It is important for your balance as a system, to be fully accepted as a whole, as a team, with all the different members. And it is important to be accepted no matter who is in front at one point in time. Asking to speak to one alter and getting angry when said alter cannot show up, is disrespectful.

Pay attention that "giving him some release" does not equal "allowing him to walk all over your boundaries". Take care of yourself/ves.

Good luck. Relationship issues are never easy.

__
David.
Autistic, DID

he/him | she/her | they/them

Active alter {sub-system or fusion} :

Urielles {Uriel|Theia|Saul|Wolf(?)} -- {G/Hosts} -- {Zami} -- Envy -- X/David/Solomon/Scar -- Ulysses -- {Isaïa|Reyna} -- Mirror {Aragorn|Sherlock Holmes|...} -- {Pride|Wrath} -- Trisha -- Lust -- Hohenheim/Theo

Journey thread
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby IainEtc » Wed May 05, 2021 9:50 am

Hi,

That's sounds bad. You're a good person and they should be treating you way better than that. I really hate it when people only like one of us but we're ALL of us. I'm going to be thinking of you and hoping you can figure it out.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Wed May 05, 2021 8:48 pm

Thank you for your kind words.

I managed to speak to our partner today, without syra in the way. He said he does have the stronger bond with syra (because she fronts most often) but he wants to get to know me and the others better. He said the same as everyone here, he wants us (alters) to work together.

There is so much time between when we can talk to him. My memory is bad so I forget that he does accept us. Syra tries so hard to keep us appart and pushes us away. I'm glad I got to spend today talking to our partner by myself.

- Boi
Multiple System
Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby IainEtc » Wed May 05, 2021 11:46 pm

Hi,

I'm glad he understands and wants to like everybody. Maybe you need to write that down so you can check it later. :D

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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IainEtc
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Thu May 06, 2021 8:42 am

IainEtc wrote:Hi,

I'm glad he understands and wants to like everybody. Maybe you need to write that down so you can check it later. :D

Iain


Thank you for the reminder. We brought a diary recently but its bairly used. I keep forgetting about it.
Syra has a habbit of deleting and throwing things out if she doesnt agree with them. (I'm guessing that's the denyal) so its better to keep it out of sight.

What should I put in a diary? Who's fronting but what else?

Boi
Multiple System
Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby IainEtc » Thu May 06, 2021 8:57 am

Hi,

I don't know exactly but I'd write what you found out about your partner - that he's trying to like everybody - in case you forget. We have our daily log where we put stuff we need to remember so everybody can see it. It's hard to get information across boundaries inside so the log helps. It's not like our T journal where we write down big stuff. The log is more like 'We're going to get take-out on Friday' or 'You promised Evan you'd make pancakes on Saturday' or 'Our T said we did a great job last time'. Stuff that some of us know and others of us don't - but not stuff that makes us scared or shuts us down.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, Raven, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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IainEtc
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Thu May 06, 2021 2:47 pm

We dont have a therapist so I'm unsure what's involved with keeping that kind of diary.

We have a lot of notebooks we write in but none of us are any good at remembering.

Disasocating alot so I'll write later

Boi
Multiple System
Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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TheHiveMind
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Re: Strugling to come to terms

Postby TheHiveMind » Thu May 06, 2021 11:05 pm

So I'm back. I needed to escape everything for a while. Boi called on me because he was triggered and didnt want to front. Exactly what triggred him I'm unsure.

So, I'm part of a multiple system. Gotta get used to it. Need to work on comunication and all that. Which is great if I knew where to start and what to do next. Someone suggested structuring things like a anarchist government. Everyone has their say and vote on it. Though I've also heard of another system that try and aid the needs of each of its members. I'm guessing its trial and error to find what works.

Would trying to get to know each member individually be a good place to start? Even if I've been aware of raven for years I cant say I know him that well.

-syra
Multiple System
Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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