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Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

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Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Zor » Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:19 pm

So there's been little talk about those comments (see the other thread here dissociative-identity/topic218642.html) since then... but yesterday it came up. I was working on next week in our bullet journal and she said "we have nothing next week, at all." I reminded her of the T appointment Tuesday morning. "Oh, that." She said with an irritated sigh.

So I asked her about those remarks. "So you know the answer to your questions a few weeks ago, 'when will you just be normal?' and 'when will they just be gone?' are both 'Never', right?"
I told her plainly, "this just doesn't magically go away, it's life-long, and most people don't get to 'final fusion' which isn't even being singular, it's all of us all the time cohesively like one."
Her reply was cold and stark. "So you're saying we'll never have a marriage?"

That, to me, puts our condition and our relationship at absolute odds and oppositional to a devastating degree.

I tried to tell her it'd be better for us, she and I, if we (system) were more accepted b/c some feel scared or uneasy with her b/c of the hostility and negativity. That makes it HARD for them to feel safe and be open with her- she doesn't like "not knowing" who is out, who she is talking to.

She finally said it's just not what she expected for her life and then added this terrible gem... "My sister already f--ked my life, what's one more a-- f--king?!"

Yeah, she compared our condition, that we exist this way, and the oppositional view of us vs having a marriage relationship as an "a-- f--king".

I am going to talk to our T this week about it. But I'm really concerned this is a final death knell kind of thing. How can we justify staying in the hurting and hurting each other situation like this?! Why even bother if the ONE THING she needs and wants for us "to have a marriage" is impossible for me/us to give her. We can't stop being multiple. It's who we are. If she can't accept that, and it hurts so much she'd call it an AF... why prolong that pain and suffering- for us both?!

Recently it came to my attention Pixie has been talking with friends and making a "plan b" - where we'd go if the marriage ends. We WON'T stay here- for a number of reasons. I thought it was an overreaction and maybe a little paranoia b/c of her protectiveness. Guess I should trust her judgment more- she saw this coming months ago... maybe a few years ago.

Oh, and the 23d... that's the three-year mark from the day the friends came over to confront me thinking we were faking it and making everyone up... the incident that we call "the shattering" that sent us to the mental health clinic to seek help, terrified. That led to our first "unknown dissociative" diagnosis in May (22nd), and eventually DID dx by August.
She's had THREE YEARS to come to terms with this, accept it, and all of me/us. And this is where she's at today still.

This hurts like hell to say, but I'm thinking it's become necessary for us to divorce. I am friggen devastated.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Apr 10, 2021 3:11 am

Sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say, really, but I just wanted to respond to offer support.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Apr 10, 2021 1:41 pm

Our whole system feels deep pain and compassion towards your situation. We send you all of our moral support. We are sorry for you that this is how everything turns out.
Autistic, DID

Alter {sub-systems} | he/him | she/her | they/them

Hohenheim | Trisha | Urielle{Uriel|Theia} | X/Solomon/David/Scar | Ulysses | Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | {Zami} | Saul | Aragorn | Sherlock Holmes | Envy | {Isaïa|Reyna} ...

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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Zor » Sat Apr 10, 2021 8:38 pm

Thanks for the kind words everyone. We're gonna talk to doc on Tuesday about all this, too... but we're in a crisis mode at the moment over this. It's really thrown Zor for a loop and he's been away almost as much as out (crazy for our host to be out so little). We'll keep ppl posted.

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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Una+ » Sun Apr 11, 2021 1:46 am

Super frustrating, but no clarity, at least not for me!

That all sounds like a lot of code, a "private language" understood only by the speaker, no one else. What does "have a marriage" mean? I have no idea. My guess would be she is ruminating and these phrases stand for a whole mess of stuff going on inside her. Does she have an individual therapist?

Was she someone who grew up having very specific ideas about what her life would look like? That is usually a recipe for disappointment, and discounting and ignoring the good life that exists while pining for a fantasy life is a recipe for making loved ones miserable too.

Safe hugs. My insiders were never as autonomous as yours, so my history does not compare, but certainly there have been changes.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Zor » Sun Apr 11, 2021 7:16 pm

Una+ wrote:Super frustrating, but no clarity, at least not for me!

That all sounds like a lot of code, a "private language" understood only by the speaker, no one else. What does "have a marriage" mean? I have no idea. My guess would be she is ruminating and these phrases stand for a whole mess of stuff going on inside her. Does she have an individual therapist?

Was she someone who grew up having very specific ideas about what her life would look like? That is usually a recipe for disappointment, and discounting and ignoring the good life that exists while pining for a fantasy life is a recipe for making loved ones miserable too.

Safe hugs. My insiders were never as autonomous as yours, so my history does not compare, but certainly there have been changes.


The "we can't/won't/don't have a marriage" thing has been said often, usually paired with "we're just roommates" or "I feel like we're just roommates".
She does not have her own therapist, even though I've suggested it several times over the years, especially early when we'd recently found out.

Did she have specific ideas? IDK exactly, but I know she certainly has that issue today, and it's been increasing more and more (or maybe I've just become more aware of it) over the years- for the past 15 or so...
Heck even traffic or a minor hangup causing delays provokes "all these ppl just exist to f--k my life" kind of responses. It's very... tiring... to have to deal with increasingly more "me, me, me... my way or it's wrong" outbursts and ways - ESPECIALLY when it's so detrimental to our overall wellbeing and mental health.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Una+ » Sun Apr 11, 2021 10:46 pm

Well, that's a major locus of control problem right there. And it sounds like she is miserable, possibly even severely depressed, and trying to white knuckle her way through it.

Saying she feels like you are just a roommate is another way of saying her "normal" is enmeshment and as you get healthier and less enmeshed with her she feels cut off.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Zor » Mon Apr 12, 2021 2:19 pm

Una+ wrote:Well, that's a major locus of control problem right there. And it sounds like she is miserable, possibly even severely depressed, and trying to white knuckle her way through it.

Saying she feels like you are just a roommate is another way of saying her "normal" is enmeshment and as you get healthier and less enmeshed with her she feels cut off.


Yeah, control is a serious issue. Very "type A" and a career that demanded (retired a year ago after 28 years) control of situations a LOT...
I am not sure, too, that the "enmeshment" thing isn't part of the control thing- few to no boundaries means more asserted control. When that enmeshment falls apart, boundaries and distinctions, autonomy, comes into play and that control is diminished... and that's something she's struggling with, too, imho.

I, too, felt her words expressed being miserable- and angry. The exceptionally vulgar and brutal choice of wording said that to me... and that's what concerns me most. Not only does she flat out admit she feels we have no real relationship (instead being merely roommates) and refuses to (b/c we're unable to NOT be multiple), but she calls the situation we are in an "a-- f--king", said with a lot of anger and bitterness. That screams hurt and anger and without her being willing to let go of THAT, IDK there's any hope in any efforts to try and come to terms with things.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby Una+ » Mon Apr 12, 2021 3:03 pm

Look up locus of control. A person with an overly external locus of control may be very controlling of others and/or experience themselves as controlled by others. Either way, it is all about enmeshment, and very common in dysfunctional families.

In the grand scheme of things, you are high functioning and relatively normal even with DID. So, really, what's her problem? Imagine the upset to her fragile Disney castle of a life if you had Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, some kind of rare and very costly cancer, a brain tumor, strokes, severe diabetes, kidney failure, etc.

One of the most effective treatments for locus of control problems is to attend 12 step support groups for adult children of alcoholics. This is also a big component of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), both often conducted in groups. Consider them either for her or for you. You going yourself could help you get clear about whether you should try to stay in the marriage or get out of it.

Good luck with your journey.
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Re: Painful Comments Aftermath Discussion

Postby IainEtc » Mon Apr 12, 2021 5:19 pm

Hi Zor,

Your wife sounds like she's totally miserable and hurting bad but won't let you be in any position to help her. I'm sorry she's being so mean to you. She's also wrong. You can be married to a multiple and be just fine. So maybe she just doesn't want to be married to anybody anymore because she's all messed up.

Take care of yourselves.

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When they say 'be yourself',
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