feeling unfixable

weve been really depressed on and off for a while lately, like a few weeks or something maybe idk

and just in the last day or 2 we kinda realize its cos of loneliness? and like, trying to talk about it its like oh thats the whole human race right now etc but like, the thing is whats happening now is just like the rest of the world finally doing what we've done our whole life?

like the super strict 'self quarantine' kinda thing that normal people think is inhumane unlivable conditions is our entire adult life.

what hurts most for us is we were trying really hard to get out of that and trying to learn to be with people more when all this started. so like yeah ok everyone's lonely now etc but like, its been a whole lifetime for us. and when this bs virus thing is over everyone else will go back to having friends and being with people, and we'll still be isolated and quarantined and alone cos we dont know how to do anything else

and like it took us most of our life to even realize that? and now its taken a few more years to even figure out how to put it into words i guess

its like weve been trying to understand how to make friends, trying to 'get' what everyone else already seems to know. and like people say stuff like, 'oh just join a club / take a class / volunteer / etc' but like weve done that. all of it. we are alone and lonely in a club, in a class, and among volunteers

and like, heres what we think is really going on

the stuff we dont know, that everyone else knows, is stuff that you learn before theres words. or like, before your 3 or 4 anyways. stuff you learn from your parents or family.

how to be with people



*** trigger warning; mention of abuse, neglect ***



and we never got that. cos like in the earliest most vulnerable months we had extreme physical neglect and possibly physical abuse. so we never had a chance to bond with a mom or anything. we learned that people are absent, that people dont care, that theres nobody else but us

then we got adopted and instead of getting to heal from that or whatever we got a narcissistic & possibly dissociative mom who couldn't connect with us emotionally, who treated us like an extension of herself and constantly ignored our needs and our experiences. and we got a dad who was raised to be physically abusive, his dad beat him so he beat us, thats just the way it was

so again instead of learning that people were ok & safe we learned they're dangerous & violent & that we dont matter & cant trust anyone & cant trust ourselves cos we never got that validation


*** end trigger warning ***



so like all the other kids showed up at 1st day of school already knowing what its like to be with people and having social skills & knowledge & knowing how to make friends

and we were there alone & clueless. and we're still there in that same place, metaphorically speaking

and its $#%^ that almost everyone else learns at such an early age nobody even has words for it, theres no framework to explain whats lacking cos its just 'everybody knows it' except us and we havent even been able to explain whats lacking

but now we can, except it takes all this typing to spell it out cos theres no simple way to say it

and now we're thinking, its too late. like we're too old, our brains too old. how can we possibly fix $#%^ that was wounded and ###$ up in the first 6 months or first 3 or 4 years, when we're old and ######6 4 year olds already know how to do this and we're lost

we feel unfixable. depressed. hopeless.

like we can mimic a normal functioning human being, or at least previous host could. she could fake it for a few hours at a time so we could 'exist' but its like, we can't be happy. we're never gonna be able to make friends like everybody else.

even with all the crap going on right now everyone we know are like, ok they're isolated but they're isolated with their friends or loved ones or chosen family. we know a few who're stuck with abusive family and we're sad for them.

but we're like, alone all our life. alone during the virus. and we'll be alone all our life again afterwards too.

we dont wanna be alone anymore but we're so broken and flawed and messed up, and like we just dont know how to be with people.

we used to have this cat, she was a feral rescue. she was desperate for pets and cuddles and love but she was terrified of people. and ###$ we relate to that cat so hard now. we just want to be with someone for friendship and companionship and cuddles, but we know it wont happen. we're too scared, to messed up

we've never experience cuddling. we've had like 2 brief awkward hugs with a friend in the last 3 years. were gonna ######6 die of loneliness and we dont know how to do anything about it

sorry for being so depressing and stuff. its just, we feel so broken and hopeless.

we just dunno what to do & dont think it'll ever get better.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but probably not.

Our therapist thinks things like that are "fixable." That our brains can change and new pathways can form. When we get stuck in that hopeless, unfixable state, that's what he tells us, and then we feel a little more hopeful.

Also, when I read your post, I was thinking that I'm not sure you could have put all that into words so clearly a year or two ago. It doesn't help with the feelings, but it's some kind of progress I guess.

I don't know. Anyway, we're sending hugs and good thoughts. We consider you a friend and we care about you.

thankyou Snaga and Gang

today viola did therapy instead of me cos i was hiding cos i was still upset after last week
viola talked to our T about this stuff & T wanted to help but the time ran out
T said she wanted to do this stuff again next week so maybe i'll hide again so viola has to go again
oh and T said that we probably do know how to do this stuff but it gets turned off cos of the trauma
she said the trauma makes us scared of people and if were scared then it turns off the other stuff so we cant make friends

ciara

Hi Amythyst folks,

We relate to a lot of what you wrote, and we're sorry that you're going through this.

We care.

MDs