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Social relationships (personal)

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Social relationships (personal)

Postby SystemFlo » Sat Jan 09, 2021 7:39 am

It's not that other people aren't allowed to tell their stories in here, if you relate to what I talk about, have similar experiences or know something about these things in general, please do tell and share how you feel. Mainly we still made this thread to ask a question about us personally, and although topic is hard to comment on and I understand it, and we don't expect anyone has centered their focus on our system, we hope someone will answer from what's their believe or experience. We certainly don't want any praise not earned, we're not looking for encouragement or empathy, not anything like that. We're looking for something to work on. Looking for reason.

This is for us to reflect on ourselves honestly with the help of other people, because our point of view is of course very much sided, but we are here to grow as people, not looking for anyone to comfort us as if everything is fine, when it's not. We can't change, if we don't know what is wrong in us.

I know non of you is a T and if is, we're not your client, so we're not looking for too much. If someone has had a similar problem and recovered, we're open to hear how, but we don't expect you to know how we should do the process of changing. We just ask what do you see in us, that is wrong and causing this in your personal opinion, or guess based on something you know.

Usually, when you hit the same wall time and time again, it is wiser to learn to go from the door rather than blame the wall for being there. And we have hit the same wall a lot, at least that is how it feels to us when we compare ourselves and how people interact with us to how other people are interacted with. We don't want to hit the wall anymore. One, because it hurts really badly every time, and two, we don't wanna be that person who blames the wall. We really don't.

We've lived in separation for years, decades maybe, and now that we have tried to create relationships, I do realize we do have a lot more problems in that area than I ever thought we would. We aren't even that far we'd have real life friends or really any friends at all, (*other than our little who has an online friend), and I mean the problem really occurs even with this kind of simpler things like being a member of a support forum. We clearly don't know how to.

It does raise a lot of emotion, but if it really comes down to us being dislikeable for many people, we do want to change that. We are generally emphatic and don't want to harm others, and that is first thing that comes to mind if I think of why would someone be unlikable, that they're doing harm and not owing it. I don't think we do harm others, but if that's how we come across or you have been harmed by us we wanna hear, so that we can do something about it not happening another time. To do that, we need to know when and where and why you felt that way, because we didn't understand that at the time when what ever it was we said or did took place, that it felt that way to others.

I know there's been other people who have asked something similar before, feeling they don't get same attention some other writers do and feel they're avoided. So obviously they felt bad. I'm not asking that so much, but about the amount of conflict between us and other systems, or that's how we feel it is, and we don't understand why. I know answers that were given for others who felt ignored, and I know those points. We didn't answer to every thread and every message sent in here either when we still were active in here. We know that it doesn't mean anything personal when that happens. At least not most of the times.

To be clear, I'm not talking about if something we write doesn't create a lot of interest as a subject. I talk about issues that are and have been personal, or do feel like it to us, because in the end we can not know how other people feel.

I was planning to give examples of what we mean in case it's unclear, but I try not to make this way too long message for anyone to read. If you want examples, we will tell more precisely.

There's this type of narcissism where one feels like a victim and is super sensitive to negative feedback, when issues aren't really nowhere near that big they make them to be. The type, where everything is always about them. I've though if we'd have that. But in any tests, and we have been tested for personality disorders, there was no sign of narcissism in us. We do meet the criteria of BPD and our trauma probably is mostly in the areas of attachment issues and twisted family dynamics rather than anything physical done to us. At least what I know of, but I don't know it all.

Or does these kind of things happen to everyone, all of the systems all the time, but behind the scenes and we just don't know? Or is it just that there is something in our personalities all together people do not like? Do you find us as someone who conflicts easily, do you find us conflicting?

The need to connect with people is new to us. We've been a loner of our own choice, but things changed rapidly when we hit the crisis of needing to end therapy. We really hoped it would be help, but we can not do it anymore. That's why it was a crisis, we lost the opportunity to get real help. We can't afford it ourself, but it was for the safety of the system to stop seeing our T. In our crisis Fourteen became a host and is now co-hosting with me, now that I'm not protected so heavily anymore or as unbalanced. Fourteen holds the need to be accepted, loved and cared and to be important to SOMEONE, to anyone really. He also holds all the trauma around abandonment we've faced. So it was the change in the way our system is organized why we after all this time would want to have friends in our life, but it's clear it's way beyond the level of our capacity to engage with people meaningful ways long term. We're not looking for same problems we have here in real life. So, being able to navigate in a forum would be a start to try to get better. Things have changed a lot, now understanding we have nobody who cares about us is really hurtful. We didn't used to care.

Flor
Dx DID
main system:
Flor F adult co-host
Sami M 15-26 (age slider) system manager, defender
(Lucas M 17 caretaker)
etc.

subsystem:
Fourteen M 14 co-host, trauma holder, persecutor:
- random M 14
- Jules M 14
- Leon M 4
- etc.
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Re: Social relationships (personal)

Postby renegadex » Sat Jan 09, 2021 5:17 pm

I don't really have an answer but for us it feels connecting with people is hard. Seems like always something is off with us so people won't get intrested (at least in non sexual way...), or think that we're strange or something.

Also in normal life (not online) people tend to get confused and frustrated because the chaos and all the contradictions. We also have big troubles trying to navigate through social cues, emotional awareness and whatever is happening because of the dissociation and at least some parts being autistic, don't know is it just us or is this normal for systems.

But I feel you, I just don't have any clue about the causes since we're on the same boat here.
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Re: Social relationships (personal)

Postby SystemFlo » Sun Jan 10, 2021 12:19 am

Thank you for opening the conversation, even tho you couldn't answer my primary question. And how could you have, we have never talked before. So hi, and it's nice to see new people in here. I used to be really active in here before, but it changed and now it's been already a year when I don't relate even to this place anymore for real. Either I'm just too sensitive or people have become meaner, but I guess it has to be me that changed. I see lot of new systems in here that I don't know, at least yet. I think that's a good thing. Forums don't really exist anymore in general, they've almost all "died". But this one does well. Even in here it's really only this DID-section that still is thriving. I wanna have real conversations and be able to explain and that's why I write to long messages, to long for liking of many people. They don't read, they've told they don't. But to me other type of social media isn't real communication at all. It's just one sentence here and one there and it feels so superficial it's not for me. That's why I'm happy to see new systems in here.

I'm not on autism spectrum, I think the reasons behind why it's hard to connect can be different for you and me. I'm good at things like customer service, so I kind of know fairly well social clues and those kind of things that people on spectrum struggle with. I'm good at making good first impressions and appear normal to people, but it's all just an act. Things like customer service are done kind of behind a role, a work role. I can do that. I can be nice and care genuinely so it's not all just pretending, but it's one sided. Its for the other person, I'm not suppose to be in that situation as myself, as someone who has own values and feelings, unless they support the ones customer has and needs support for. So, I don't think I appear weird to other people like that, it's more of that those kind of situations that I'm good at, they're never about me or for me. I kind of don't exist in there to be me, but to be what someone else wants me to be.

I don't know how to be me. I haven't worked for about a year now either, because we had a crisis, and in result we developed an eating disorder and it showed. We weren't mentally able to work either, so we kind of weren't fired, more of released. But I was in that place for 7-8 years, and some of the other staff changed many times during that time, but some people stayed. It really hurt when I realized other people in there spent time together outside of work too. Everyone was nice to us, we weren't bullied or anything. I guess they just didn't like me, or they didn't know me, because I had to stay in my role with them too. I don't know other way of being. So I don't think they really knew me and they realized tey don't.That I'm not a someone to be friends with, just colleague.

I can be myself when I write. That's why I like that.

Meaningful long term relationships are my problem. Relationships where we could be just us, and not have a role of being certain kind. And actually, I have never really been in love relationship either. I've met some people some times, longest relationship lasting about 2 months and it was twenty years ago, and all attempts after that have been shorter. They were because I felt trapped as soon as someone showed interest, and I needed to get out and rid of them. My attachment style is very avoidant, I don't know anyone else who is as avoidant as I am. So for a long time it was my choice I don't want to, and I didn't feel bad about not having anyone, because it would have made me feel trapped and .. just no.

I'm not looking for love now either. Sexual side of it would be very complicated,and there would be a high risk of parts way too young taking care of that part. We'd just want to feel connected with someone and have someone to call when something has happened to us, and they'd be interested because they care how we are doing.

The big issue with any of it is our DID. My life is very different from what people at my age and gender usually have, there's no common ground. All I have is DID and I daydream a lot and do really nothing, and I would basically have to lie and fake to have at least something normal to appear normal.I don't wanna lie and hide. And the way I am is not really something lot of people would relate to. I don't want anyone to hang with me because of pity either, because there are these support services for people who are lonely, but it's not that I wanna be just with anyone either, with someone who works as a volunteer "friend" to people who are lonely. I'd find it humiliating, that it's their charity to spend time with me, although we wouldn't like each others at all. And they would be in their customer service role to get along with anyone. I want someone who shares interest with me and so on, I want what normal people have in their normal relationships too. But even if there would be someone wanting to get to know me, I don't know if I knew how to be a friend like normal friends are.

I guess it doesn't really matter why the loneliness and being outcast is. Like for you being on autism spectrum can be a big deal in why there's problems. And my reasons can be something else, but in the end, the experience of being outcast is the same.
Dx DID
main system:
Flor F adult co-host
Sami M 15-26 (age slider) system manager, defender
(Lucas M 17 caretaker)
etc.

subsystem:
Fourteen M 14 co-host, trauma holder, persecutor:
- random M 14
- Jules M 14
- Leon M 4
- etc.
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Re: Social relationships (personal)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jan 10, 2021 2:37 am

Hi Flor and others,

I read your post, and the second one also. This is such a complicated topic, so it's hard for me to know where to begin or if I even have anything helpful to offer. I don't find you unlikeable, and there are topics you've posted about that have been very relatable. You also often have very insightful comments. (I'm not saying those things to offer comfort or encouragement. It's just my opinion and part of my experience of you on this forum.)

There have also been patterns of interaction that you've gotten into with people on here where it was clear that there was a lot of projective identification going on and it was difficult for you to see past it. So I wonder if that happens a lot in outside relationships as well---being sure that you know what someone meant by an action or a statement, and then inventing a whole story for it that ends up very far away from anything that person meant to convey. Then your response is based on your interpretation of things without being open to hearing that that wasn't what the person meant.

I do this a lot, and if I don't find out the actual intentions or feelings of the other person and just stick to my interpretation of things, it reinforces my core beliefs rather than helping to change them. People who have been hurt a lot in relationships expect that to keep happening, and sometimes behave in a way that causes the other person to do something that hurts them--"proving" that people always hurt them.

Also, taking things personally that aren't at all meant that way can cause issues. That's been something I've tried to work on--remembering that other people have their own issues and preoccupations and aren't necessarily considering how something might come across to me.
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Re: Social relationships (personal)

Postby spinningtops » Mon Jan 11, 2021 4:00 am

Hi first of all sorry about losing your T, that sounds like a hard situation. I will say I have not been back here very long so i cannot say super personally. But I know that I have worried about things like this before for myself, if I said the wrong thing or something. And so the one thing I can offer up is that in some ways socializing online I think is much harder then in person, cause you get no non verbal feedback on how things are going after you say something. I think that can be much more difficult all around. Maybe if there was the non verbal feedback you'd have a much better idea what was going on and not in the dark. Anyways, that is my feeling. As much as I love online things, they do have limitations unfortunately, and it's not anyone's fault, it's just in the system itself.
~
ok I just saw and read your second post now too. I get a lot of that feeling of not really belonging. I first noticed there was a problem in my twenties when I was adult and working and not really forming close relationships to the level I wanted. I think on reflection I did okay in some ways though, like I had made one good friend at the time, and that is enough sometimes.
Ok anyways, i learned that for me I have a lot of trust issues. So I have certain defenses up where I would not really be vulnerable, but sort of acted in the roles I thought I was supposed to do growing up too. It took me a while to find myself, as I spent much of my childhood living in too much fear to have a sense of self. So for me, that took a lot of time. Also sometimes on top of that, if you're hurting, ect, you feel alone, you want friends and you want them right away and unfortunately the world rarely works in 'right away.' So that neediness can also be its own problem. Idk.
The internet is really weird too, as you say, in that like twitter, you post a couple sentences etc. I see you say a lot of things you don't want to do and try and I would say the opposite, try lot's of different things and maybe something will pan out in a way that you want. Be patient, get out of the comfort zone of what you think will be what you are looking for. You say you don't want to be pitied in one of those chats, I guess I have had that feeling too which is also why i don't do them. I tried it once and it was really awkward. but on the flip side that is not so much that something like that couldn't work, but that they maybe currently don't work as well as it could. I guess it doesn't matter either way, but just that maybe at some point it will be a lot better. idk.
Figure out what your hobbies are and go on similar forums too? Anyways i agree that the internet does seem so small compared to how it used to feel,. I wonder why it is that way..
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Re: Social relationships (personal)

Postby Eliseahorse » Thu Jan 14, 2021 5:03 am

Hey flor
I just wanted to point out that even with singlets certain personalitys get more social traction than others. I have found that only the more socially versed of us get any sort of response here. We have found there is a pattern to who gets responses and who doesn't. Some of us have moved to Tumblr. It doesn't really provide interaction beyond likes but for those of us whose writing style rubs people to the point that they get ignored the likes have made a huge difference.
Interestingly those of us that have moved to Tumblr were the ones that connected with fourteen and his subsystem when they were posting last year.

Even among singlets "abrasive personality" occur and if they can form friendship when they are like that 24/7 then did folk with socially inept parts can too. We just have to keep trying.

I don't know what else to say other than the previous posts make realy good points. And to love yourself.
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
M 30
M24
F10
F31
NB19
2 partially integrated alters
Peter (7)
Unknown
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