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New here and seeking for some advice *TW*

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New here and seeking for some advice *TW*

Postby renegadex » Tue Dec 22, 2020 6:51 pm

**trigger warning**

Hi and Happy Holidays guys!

I try to make my story short. English is not my first language so bear with me. Also sorry about my chaotic writing style.

I've struggled with my mental health for my whole life. Last year I found out I might have ADD so I saw a doctor who instantly wrote the diagnosis. Since then I have been on my meds but it has troubled me that this is not the right or propably not the only diagnosis I should have. Sometimes meds work ok and make me "normal" and sometimes make me feel just awful.

I thought that as a child I lived in a normal single mother household, but in my adulthood it has been came to my acknowledge that this is not true and I've been lied to about various different things. My mom has covert narcissistic type behaviour. My mom had a violent alcoholic bf when I was 8-11yo. I can't remember the guy. Like at all. (My childhood is very blurry especially years 8-12 and tbh I can't even visualize what kind of child was I.) I remember only the day my mom kicked him out and he was sitting in the stairs with his bags. I went to a child psychologist or something like that because I had huge troubles at school and found out my behaviour was variying between being very passive and withdrawn to hyperactive and violent. The professional had wrote that "my inner barriers hadn't developed as they should have in my age", don't know what that means.. I can't recall any major traumas i my childhood expect very shaming and mentally disturbing bullying at school but those holes in my memory and all the lies my mom has told me makes me wonder is there something I should know about but can't remember. Thinking about it makes me dissociate and depressed so taking a break from it for now.

In my teens I used to cut myself and even tried kill myself, I have no idea why anymore tho since my memory is $#%^. If I try to organize past it just doesn't make any sense to me. Things get mixed and at the end I don't even know what is real and what is not and it creates anxiety. I was also raped back then, but I even question this sometimes because of my memory.. I also used substances for a few years until the age of 20, 8 years sober now (yay). And I have been in very abusive relationships.

ANYWAY.

I've been very interested in psychology for years and I have this OCD type of behaviour when I get an idea and I read a lot about things so I question myself constantly am I just trying to make something up. Some time ago I happened to read about DID and first I thought it was kind of interesting, but tbh never wished that for myself. But then I started to think that even before it my ex bfs have been asking me was I abused when I was a kid since I "disappear" constantly and one of them even still makes jokes about my "different" personalities. I started to wonder could I have DID or some else dissociative disorder. Now I know for sure that I do dissociate, propably more than I do not, and some things I read about DID and DDNOS are so relatable and make me feel I am not alone here.

The way my thoughts race and "get layered" (= many different thoughts at the same time, dialogue-like) I have been linked to ADD but now I have to admit it can be something else also. It's hard to grap to these thoughts. I don't think I get huge memory losses, tho I remember a few times I got so angry I blackouted totally, but every time for example someone asks me what did I do yesterday I have to dig it up somewhere. Time is a big mystery to me, it doesn't move on or it jumps fastforward. And altho I don't get classic amnesia feels like I can't recall very well my experiences, thoughts and feelings for a very long time. Ask me about last year or last week and it is really hard to get the grap of it.

Everyone says that I constantly change my mind and react differently and even before reading about DID or anything like that I have been aware of that sometimes in a stressful/shocking situations I feel like I am not me, like someone takes me over. After that I have become aware that this happens other times as well, but not always so intensively. Sometimes I act self destructing and feels like I am watching myself from the side and thinking wtf is wrong with me this is not right but can't control it. It's hard for me to make choices in life, even in a grocery store, since my thoughts and feelings are so mixed about things.

'm so lost and suspecting this kind of disorder makes me anxious but atm I just want to know what is wrong with me.

The possible alters I would describe more as mindsets or different sides of me. I have been trying to remember to write a journal and describe these "mindsets" and today while writing I felt strongly that I/the part writing it was blonde (this body has dark hair) and older. If I had to guess, I would say there is at least one harmful/destructive, one childish/perky and one mature/balanced side of me.

I would like to hear what kind of journey you had when you started to discover they have DID/DDNOS and any kind of support would be nice. Let me also note that I am waiting to see a professional but there is like almost no professionals in my country who know about these things..
Last edited by Snaga on Wed Dec 23, 2020 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: trigger warnings added, no other changes
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Re: New here and seeking for some advice

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Dec 23, 2020 8:46 am

renegadex wrote:I thought that as a child I lived in a normal single mother household, but in my adulthood it has been came to my acknowledge that this is not true [...]


& Please use some trigger warnings, it's kinda heavy what you describe.

& Anyway... Such a childhood is enough to mess with anybody's mental health, DID or not DID. But you also describe dissociative symptoms such as the memory loss (they are also found in heavy depression though) and "borderline-like" symptoms (explosive emotions, substance abuse...) found in DID, heavy depression, PTSD... Which is not surprising given what you've been through.

& Regarding the abusive relationships: from our experience, it's not unheard of for abused people to be so used to being abused, that the habit of it stuck them in other abusive relationships, since it takes an enormous amount of energy to create boundaries that were never allowed, and to change a bad habit into a healthy one.

& But! It is possible to switch to healthy things! It takes time energy effort patience, but it can be done! Becoming aware of the pattern is the first step towards recovery!

renegadex wrote:I have this OCD type of behaviour when I get an idea and I read a lot about things


& It's called "hyperfocus" and is found in AD(H)D and in autism. I think it's pretty cool!

renegadex wrote:But then I started to think that even before it my ex bfs have been asking me was I abused when I was a kid since I "disappear" constantly and one of them even still makes jokes about my "different" personalities. I started to wonder could I have DID or some else dissociative disorder. Now I know for sure that I do dissociate, propably more than I do not, and some things I read about DID and DDNOS are so relatable and make me feel I am not alone here.


& It is an important clue, in my opinion. But, DID or not, the tools that help in DID also help in non-DID and cannot hurt non-DID since it's mostly, grounding, trauma therapy, learning to deal with the emotions, to make oneself safe, to work around the amnesia (using a diary, a bullet journal, etc) and try to make the amnesia happen less often in the everyday life... You can find it here. https://www.researchgate.net/publicatio ... dults_2005

renegadex wrote:The way my thoughts race and "get layered" (= many different thoughts at the same time, dialogue-like) I have been linked to ADD but now I have to admit it can be something else also. It's hard to grap to these thoughts. I don't think I get huge memory losses, tho I remember a few times I got so angry I blackouted totally, but every time for example someone asks me what did I do yesterday I have to dig it up somewhere. Time is a big mystery to me, it doesn't move on or it jumps fastforward. And altho I don't get classic amnesia feels like I can't recall very well my experiences, thoughts and feelings for a very long time. Ask me about last year or last week and it is really hard to get the grap of it.


& We have the same issue here. Apparently for us, every time we switch, our brain records that as "another day has passed" which makes it awkward to remember what we did the previous day since the brain has recorded it as "a week or so ago". Using a Bullet Journal to keep track of time, as well as To-Do list apps (like Habitica for example) helps us keep track of things. We tend to forget less about our meds that way.

renegadex wrote:It's hard for me to make choices in life, even in a grocery store, since my thoughts and feelings are so mixed about things.


& I feel you! Last time we did groceries, we ended up rapid-switching because of fatigue and stress and sensory overload, and it took us forever, juggling the different soups, until someone could take over strongly enough to make a choice and get it over with.

renegadex wrote:I'm so lost and suspecting this kind of disorder makes me anxious but atm I just want to know what is wrong with me.


& There is nothing wrong with you, honey. Your brain developed a survival mechanism to help you go through the hardships you've been through. Now that the hardship has mostly passed, you need to find a new way to use / work around this survival mechanism, in order to increase your functionality in your adult life.

& You would not say there is something wrong with someone needing a new pair of glasses because their sight level has changed, would you? Well, it is the same here. Your old pair of glasses used to be useful. Now you need a new one. A new way of living with your dissociative issues and your traumas. One that will help you slowly, step by step, face the old wounds, heal them. One that will help you get in touch with all your dissociated parts, get together, breathe together because here and now your are safe, here and now you need to work together to face the future (rather than each on their own in the past, which was the "old pair of glasses" of the past).

renegadex wrote:The possible alters I would describe more as mindsets or different sides of me.


& Well, technically, this is exactly what DID is about. Alters are parts of the same whole. They are more or less distinct / separate depending on the level of dissociation. In OSDD-1a they feel like... different faces of the same person. In OSDD-1b they feel like different heads of the same hydra. And in DID "proper" the different hydra heads are more or less blind to each-other. "Healing" DID means lowering the distance between the "hydra heads" untill they work together just like the different emotions in the movie "Inside Out". (That is, if I did understand the Guidelines properly. Other members, don't hesitate to correct me if I'm mistaken somewhere!)

renegadex wrote:I would like to hear what kind of journey you had when you started to discover they have DID/DDNOS and any kind of support would be nice.


& We discovered we were dissociative, through the otherkin community. Our host for most our life (Zami) has a non-human identity (they're some sort of sub-system with different parts of different creatures that, put together, can be summarized as "a qilin" ((chinese unicorn)) ). When the identity perception shifts, the otherkin comminities calls that a "shift". (it's important for the next step of the story) Also, we've alwyas had a strange "on and off" autobiographic memory, a fluid gender, a fluid perception of our age, a chaotic perception of our identity, amnesia regarding everyday life... People around us kept shrugging it off. And since we're polyfragmented (alters with DID inside a DID person) we just never really batted an eye about it. That's how things are. We take notes to keep track of things, brush it off when people mock our "on and off" memory, and go on with our life.

& With time, we started to become aware of what otherkin people call "cameo-shifts". That is, feeling the identity shift towards something that is not in the usual range of identities.

& And we wrote them down in our journal, and kept going with out life, merely thinking "hum, that was interesting".

& Through the otherkin sphere, we also got motivated into doing some "astral travel" exercises. I guess what we ended up exploring was our Innerworld. We could "channel" the entities we met here, talk with them, they really felt like "not-me's" and it was all about our psyche, how it works, what we believe about ourself/ves , our past, our future, how to heal the past wounds... Yep, looking back, that was totally like trying to do un-guided Innerworld work.

& We also realized that we have a lot of dissociative symptoms. The psy we had back then, just kept saying that they needed to be suppressed, without trying to understand where they come from, what use they have for us... Gave us meds that made us feel miserable + gave us tons of nasty side effects, refused to stop prescribing them, so we stopped taking them, and the psy then was happy with himself prescribing the meds since we were finally doing better with the meds. * le sigh *

& Anyway.

& Through the otherkin sphere, we started meeting DID people.

& Some of them, we did not believe they were DID since we experienced the exact same thing and we are not DID therefore, they cannot be DID (the fact that WE could be DID did not brush us...). Same went for being autistic, by the way. We met a lot of autistic people through the otherkin communities, listened to them and... brushed them off as "not autistic" since "we have the same thing and the psy said it's not autism it's PTSD". Oh, the irony... (We're autism-certified now)

& Until one day, the "cameo-shifts" and "channeling" and other stuff became too obvious to ignore.

& Still looking for a professional diagnosis though...

renegadex wrote:Let me also note that I am waiting to see a professional but there is like almost no professionals in my country who know about these things..


& It's also something that here in France, we're battling with. France is like THE country of psycho-analysis and the "old school" psycho-analysis says that DID is a weird form of hysteria, and autism is infant psychosis. The different medics we've met have went from "it does not exist stop lying" to "hum interesting, why do you feel the need to play out different characters in your life?". Giving them documentation about autism, sensitivity to stress and trauma, structural dissociation, trauma work... was all for nothing.

& We tried ringing up people who specialize in trauma work, but they either, do not answer, know nothing about DID, or do the trauma work "on the side" while focusing first on coaching, sex-and-couple therapy, etc.

& "Frustration" does not even begin to describe how we feel about it.

& So... good luck finding a T for yourself.

__
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Re: New here and seeking for some advice *TW*

Postby Snaga » Wed Dec 23, 2020 1:06 pm

Trigger warnings added, & I should have caught that, Arbre, my bad.

I really like the Hydra analogy.

I also glommed onto the 'different sides' and thought that sounded OSDD1a-ish.
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Re: New here and seeking for some advice

Postby renegadex » Wed Dec 23, 2020 7:22 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:& Please use some trigger warnings, it's kinda heavy what you describe.


I'm so sorry, I already totally forgot. :(

ArbreMonde wrote:& Anyway... Such a childhood is enough to mess with anybody's mental health, DID or not DID. But you also describe dissociative symptoms such as the memory loss (they are also found in heavy depression though) and "borderline-like" symptoms (explosive emotions, substance abuse...) found in DID, heavy depression, PTSD... Which is not surprising given what you've been through.


I've also studied BPD since I also acknowledge that there is some similarities, but the key points don't describe me at all.. I'm mostly pretty stable when it comes to people being unpredictable/avoidant/whatever and not suicidal (in my adulthood). PTSD, well, you can count on it. I have emotional flashbacks etc and I think it's the complex type since the symptoms I have won't go away even my biggest traumas happened years ago.

ArbreMonde wrote:& Regarding the abusive relationships: from our experience, it's not unheard of for abused people to be so used to being abused, that the habit of it stuck them in other abusive relationships, since it takes an enormous amount of energy to create boundaries that were never allowed, and to change a bad habit into a healthy one.


Well I can tell you I have pretty stable relationship now (or as stable as two traumatized human being can have.. bf has CPTSD and dissociation also). :wink: Victimization is a true thing but my attachment style has become more safe.

ArbreMonde wrote:& It is an important clue, in my opinion. But, DID or not, the tools that help in DID also help in non-DID and cannot hurt non-DID since it's mostly, grounding, trauma therapy, learning to deal with the emotions, to make oneself safe, to work around the amnesia (using a diary, a bullet journal, etc) and try to make the amnesia happen less often in the everyday life... You can find it here. https://www.researchgate.net/publicatio ... dults_2005


Thanks for the advice! I also was wondering about this the other day and came to conclusion that it couldn't hurt to follow those guidelines, DID or not.

ArbreMonde wrote:& We have the same issue here. Apparently for us, every time we switch, our brain records that as "another day has passed" which makes it awkward to remember what we did the previous day since the brain has recorded it as "a week or so ago". Using a Bullet Journal to keep track of time, as well as To-Do list apps (like Habitica for example) helps us keep track of things. We tend to forget less about our meds that way.


Well this is exactly the reason I started to write journal, my bf also suggested that since he has a lots of same symptoms as I do.

ArbreMonde wrote:& Well, technically, this is exactly what DID is about. Alters are parts of the same whole. They are more or less distinct / separate depending on the level of dissociation. In OSDD-1a they feel like... different faces of the same person. In OSDD-1b they feel like different heads of the same hydra. And in DID "proper" the different hydra heads are more or less blind to each-other. "Healing" DID means lowering the distance between the "hydra heads" untill they work together just like the different emotions in the movie "Inside Out". (That is, if I did understand the Guidelines properly. Other members, don't hesitate to correct me if I'm mistaken somewhere!)


I can relate to that OSDD thing totally. But I think my thoughts with all this is so new to me I couldn't possibly even admit to myself if there was very distinct identity parts inside of me (or my alters couldn't). I have a strong feeling there's some kind of barriers inside my brain that somehow "blocks" some things from my awareness, but dunno what exactly yet.

ArbreMonde wrote:Also, we've alwyas had a strange "on and off" autobiographic memory, a fluid gender, a fluid perception of our age, a chaotic perception of our identity, amnesia regarding everyday life... People around us kept shrugging it off.


This sounds SO familiar. Expecially that on/off autobiographic memory and chaotic perception. People have always been aware that I don't always even know what I said or did a minute ago, but it has become so strongly a part of "me" that it doesn't even concern anyone. But me...

ArbreMonde wrote:& With time, we started to become aware of what otherkin people call "cameo-shifts". That is, feeling the identity shift towards something that is not in the usual range of identities.


Is this normal that when people age and become more aware the more noticable DID/OSDD stuff becomes? Feels that things get even more chaotic (oh lord) when I came aware that this might be it.

ArbreMonde wrote:& Until one day, the "cameo-shifts" and "channeling" and other stuff became too obvious to ignore.


Sorry for all the questions, but I wanted to ask more about this turning point mostly so I won't freak out so much if this happens to me? Was it somehow shocking to you or how was it exactly?

ArbreMonde wrote:& Still looking for a professional diagnosis though...


Hope you'll find professional and appropiate help and diagnosis soon!
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Re: New here and seeking for some advice

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Dec 24, 2020 9:11 am

renegadex wrote:I can relate to that OSDD thing totally. But I think my thoughts with all this is so new to me I couldn't possibly even admit to myself if there was very distinct identity parts inside of me (or my alters couldn't). I have a strong feeling there's some kind of barriers inside my brain that somehow "blocks" some things from my awareness, but dunno what exactly yet.


{Wrath} It's alright, take your time. Do not rush it. Start working with what you are presently aware of, and the "hidden" parts will slowly show up as the "not hidden" things are being taken care of.

renegadex wrote:Is this normal that when people age and become more aware the more noticable DID/OSDD stuff becomes? Feels that things get even more chaotic (oh lord) when I came aware that this might be it.


{Wrath} I would not say "as they age" but rather, "at the environment becomes safer". When the environment is safe, there is less need to hide, and more room to see the damages and start working on fixing them.

renegadex wrote:
ArbreMonde wrote:& Until one day, the "cameo-shifts" and "channeling" and other stuff became too obvious to ignore.


Sorry for all the questions, but I wanted to ask more about this turning point mostly so I won't freak out so much if this happens to me? Was it somehow shocking to you or how was it exactly?


{Wrath} Since we are poly-fragmented, to us it was just "one of those things that happens".

{Wrath} A "cameo-shift" is when your identity shifts towards something unusual, and you retain memories of the event (as opposed to a switch with amnesia). Observing what happens inside without judgement, and taking note of it afterwards, seems to make it easier to bear with and get familiar with. It would be what DID and OSDD calls "a switch without amnesia".

{Wrath} "Channeling" is about the same thing, but the switch is voluntary, and there is more of a feel of "my body moves without me ordering it to" and the focus of it is more about communication (allowing the "channeled" entity ((the alter who switched into control)) to write or talk about something in particular). It can come with amnesia.

{Wrath} All in all, "cameo-shift" and "channeling" are just non-dissociative vocabulary to describe dissociative switches. (Though if you ask the communities using these words, you will have spiritual explanations of the phenomenons also. But from our experience, it is undistinguishable from DID switches.)

renegadex wrote:Hope you'll find professional and appropiate help and diagnosis soon!


{Wrath} Thank you. The changes are slim but, a slim chance is better than no chance at all.

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Re: New here and seeking for some advice *TW*

Postby renegadex » Fri Dec 25, 2020 5:33 pm

I'm so grateful of you and this forum!

I think I have some kind of an abstract connection to my alter/alters. I keep feeling relief and then another moment fake and crazy. I think she's my protector/caretaker if I have understood things right, her name is V or starts with it. There is also some kind of an alter who isn't very positive and really reserved especially when it comes to other people. I can also sense there might be a younger part, but I'm trying to not overwhelm myself with this. Feels like a dam has opened. And for the first time I feel like I/we have some hope, like I/we can be in control of things one day. Feels strange to say "we" but same time kind of natural. Strange times we're living to sat at least.

Btw keeping a journal has helped me understand how truly messed up my perception of time is. Feels like time is running a lot more faster than it does. Just wow.
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