confused no DID diagnosis ( BPD CPTSD OCD )

Hi, firstly I hope everyone is as well as they can be, and secondly I hope I dont offend anyone with my lack of knowledge.

I was officially diagnosed with BPD CPTSD and OCD at the start of this year. I can't say I was totally honest with the psychologist, and I know I should have been. It's just hard.

All my life I've had an inner monolgue, multiple voices commenting on everything I do, suggesting I do other things, making jokes, discussing things that happen, sometimes they're mean aswell, there's 2 who like to put me down whenever I do anything wrong, at random times too.

Up until my diagnosis this year I thought these voices were pretty normal for everyone and before I'd just ignore them, or try anyway, sometimes I'd tell them to shut up when it was bad but it would only make them louder.

Just as of recently I started really replying to them, to start with I told them they're not real, leave me alone, their reply was yes we definetly are. So now we talk. Sometimes its nice, I dont feel as alone. Since I started engaging with them a few of them have also told me they have names, or the show me images of themselves in my minds, tell me they're interests, for the most part we get along. But there's some not so nice ones too. One in particular doesn't have a face as we would. He's a dark figure almlsy like a black hole, he has no features bar glowing dark eyes, he scares all of us, he's not around always but when he is I'm never at my best.

I've always dissociated, im missing chunks of my childhood. Especially between 5 to about 8, but I remember stuff before that. I do have a lot of childhood trauma, some of it I don't remember, it was physical emotional and until last year i also think sexual when I had a strange flashback speaking with a therapist, but anytime I try to think of that i just disscoiate. My teenage years are much the same. I also look back and think that wasn't me, but it did happen so it must have been me?
I dont recognise myself in the mirror, some days I do a little, other days its so strange, I recently got rid of all mirrors in the house because it was too freaky. And I dont really resonate with my name, when I say it out loud it sounds so strange. Theres a voice that answers to what ive just always classed as my nickname. She's around a lot, probably the most present of them all. I feel like she has her own memories too, she shows me them and I kind of remember them but I don't. While im typing this just now she's laughing at me saying I over react " bitch I'm real " she's pretty sassy.

Anyway i told the pyschologist I have "intrusive thoughts" at the time it was the best way to explain it. Thoughts that arent mine that pop into my head constantly. I get sore heads a lot when its really noisy up there. Sometimes i hear every word clear as day, others its just noise, i cant focus, its like a busy cafe.

I've had a lot of confusion who I am throughout my life
"Phases" I called them. Completely loosing interest in things I used to love. Changing my dress sense, one day I could feel and dress a certain way. Next day I felt like a different person dressing completely different.

When I first got my bpd diagnosis I thought it made so much sense. But these "voices" as far as I'm aware arent bpd symtpoms. I'm aware we can have psychotic stages but im not hallucinating, i don't hear voices outside of my head. And they as individuals just feel very real. If some of them were to leave I'd actually be so lost.

I'm scared to mention it to the doctor or my cpn incase they tell me to stop interacting with them or tell me im making it up. They're real, real people that somehow seem to be trapped in my mind. I only found out about DID a month ago when I saw something on YouTube. I had heard of split personality disorder obviously but had no knowledge on what it really was. When i saw it two of my "voices shouted hey thats us" I dismissed it.

I find myself asking if I'm just making all this up, it cant be real, they always have a whitty remark. And if I was just imagining these voices how come they have an answer to everything before I even have a chance to think a thought myself they have something to say.

I'm sorry if anyone takes this the wrong way or I've offended the disorder in anyway. I'm just confused, I dont wanna speak to the doctor about it, none of us do. But I need some clarity here. Am I just showing psychotic symptoms of BPD or is it something more. Can anyone here relate to any of this. How did you find out you had did. Were you aware of it before diagnosis, can you go years without knowing ?

Well, I can't tell you what you have since I'm not a therapist or professional in the mental health field (and we don't allow such claims to made on this forum in any case). That said, many of the points you describe sound like DID to me and I'll list them here:

* being diagnosed with something, often more than one condition, before being diagnosed with DID (unfortunately this is the norm)
* lifelong inner monologue, including the types of comments you're describing, such as hypercritical ones
* voices (parts) who are consistent over time and may have their own names
* missing large pieces of memory of your childhood
* flashbacks, especially during therapy
* not recognizing yourself in the mirror
* not feeling your birth name is accurate or yours
* feelings that you're making it all up or faking it
* changes in things you're interested in, changes in clothing

Many people hear voices of some kind who don't have DID or any mental illness for that matter but your comment that "they as individuals just feel very real" is certainly something I've heard on this forum again and again by new posters.

Welcome! My suggestion would be to keep reading threads and post when you want.