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Never good enough...

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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Zor » Tue Dec 01, 2020 3:20 pm

Pixie didn't want to post it directly, I will.

Basically she denies things were ever better, that apologies were made and we've had a good relationship since that was reconciled... and then tries to gatekeep/gaslight about what I should and shouldn't be able to remember, mocking the notion of dissociating and others being out... and of course ultimately declares WE can't make our own boundaries- ONLY SHE CAN.

HER reply:
Okay, I’ll go slow... we did NOT settle it, period!
Fighting, I don’t want either. An apology, would be nice. But I’m not holding my breath.
So who is it going to hurt? Not me ! I didn’t do anything wrong.

Oh, and for the suicidal thoughts and attempts, yes, attempts, I screamed out on Facebook and you and [brother] both were on, I saw you both on posting and neither of you responded to me or sent a PM asking if I was okay. Please don’t insult me by saying you weren’t on at the same time, I saw you both. And here’s a thought, if you cared, check our pages once in a while to see what’s going on with us. My post was going on the over a week. A friend from Penn. called to check on me.

And how can you remember what you said from years ago when you say the others keep taking over? I’m not being mean, just trying to be real! Didn’t mean the word “bad” meant always wrong and everyone else is the victim.
What you won’t do my son is apologize! It has nothing to do with fighting. You were wrong and you can’t say that.

Boundaries are mine to set, not yours or [brother]’s . I allowed you 2 and everyone else in my life to do that but now I’m taking back control. I’m going to be healthy rather people like it or not, on my terms. I love you and always will. If talking to me causes you pain/hurt, you need to ask yourself why? I think in your counseling session you need to talk about our relationship, our relationship plus will find some of your problems are from a very unhealthy, unhappy relationship there. I have been trying NOT to say that and hold my tongue someone needs to tell you for your own good. You are confused what you want and what you want to be. Deal with that! Boundaries! Preach there! Not being mean. I can’t keep covering here for you with dad. I make peace. I’m tired. Really tired! I can’t fix people problems and come out the bitch all the time. It’s killing me!

See, you sit there thinking, well I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking, but my life is crazy with all of you driving the bus!
---

So yeah, that. A lot there. My reply is short...

I am _not_ going to fight with you over old stuff, and likewise, I am not going to fight with you about why I won't fight with you either.

Yes, boundaries. Everyone can set their own. I am not setting _yours_, but MINE. That boundary is I do not want to fight with you over old stuff, or about why I won't fight with you.

My thinking is that I won't be engaging in hostilities that hurt you and I both. That is all.
---
If she can't accept that... Well that'll be her decision.
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Zor » Tue Dec 01, 2020 9:10 pm

And even ignoring her message to NOT fight she replies with a wordwall... with this gem "Even with you catfish me, I know you have a mental health issue". CLEARLY you DON'T understand or refuse to acknowledge the truth of it.

But she revealed, too, it goes back 22 years... when I left for the military... apparently I "chose" against her, to leave her... and I wrote letters to her and dad (don't recall that AT ALL)... and her's wasn't as sweet as dad's. So it hurt her feelings.

Yes, seriously. I "chose" against her by leaving, and my "goodbye letter" wasn't sweet enough and hurt her feelings... TWENTY TWO F--KING YEARS AGO!

I am so over this.
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby MakersDozn » Wed Dec 02, 2020 6:14 am

Zor, Pixie, and all....Is there any reason why you're not blocking her on all media? Not just going no-contact, but preventing her from reaching you?

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Re: Never good enough...

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Dec 02, 2020 7:01 am

Yes--why do you keep engaging at all?

She's not respecting the boundary you set. She's not even acknowledging that you have the right to set a boundary. I don't have the right words to describe her behavior--I'm sure someone else can. But it's something that anyone who wants any hope of stability, peace, and healthy communication in their life should stay far, far away from.
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Zor » Wed Dec 02, 2020 8:49 pm

So her last 3-4 messages have been without ANY reply... and I am sending her one today, and it's basically over at this point. Barring a total 180 and meaningful change, this will probably end our relationship for a long time, possibly forever.
--
Mom, I am not going to argue about things (many of which we've talked and argued about at least a few times) several years, or even decades, old. This cycle of "we're ok for a while, we argue about old stuff again" over and over again is destructive. It is stressing you out, as you've told me. It is stressing me out, too. We both deserve better than this. This is an unhealthy relationship. We need to pursue healthy communication to have a healthy relationship.

I just won't participate in this anymore. This is the boundary I am setting. This is my boundary, not yours. You decide what yours are for yourself, and I will do my best to respect those. All I ask is the same in return. If you reply with these things, I just won't reply to that. I will not engage in hostilities with you any longer.
If this is a breakpoint for you to where we cannot communicate anymore, as you implied earlier... I'm sorry, but honestly, I'd prefer that to this. As much as it pains me to face it, I would honestly prefer no communication at all than to keep hurting each other.

I love you more than I can put to words. This is why I don't want to keep doing this. I want us to have a healthy relationship. I hope we can have that, but it must begin with not fighting like this. If we can't have a good relationship, I'd rather not have one at all than to have a toxic and hurtful one.

--

I already know this will hurt her, make her angry, and she will react in those emotions. She always does. She always has- and that's exactly the problem.

Our relationship has been toxic so long... I have to give her the opportunity to change it (but fully accept that the chance of that is basically none)... but with the consequence of ending it, possibly forever, if she refuses to try to be better. I just can't do this anymore. The next step, if she replies ugly and with cruelty is to block her...
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Zor » Fri Dec 04, 2020 5:51 pm

Her replies to that were typically "you're fighting, not me!" and "you're toxic if you can't see I am hurting and demand you do..." stuff... NO MORE. I put her on ignore (so her messages go to hidden and don't alert me anymore) and I have her unfollowed.... I won't see her posts or get her messages.

I'm done. Totally done... tired of being sick over this, stressing over this, and dealing with this abusive drama. It's over. It sucks, it hurts like hell- despite everything in the past, she IS my mother... but this is the only healthy and good option she left me with.

Thanks for all your support and advice, everyone. It means a lot to me, to all of us.
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Dec 04, 2020 10:13 pm

Zor wrote:I put her on ignore (so her messages go to hidden and don't alert me anymore) and I have her unfollowed.... I won't see her posts or get her messages.

Applauding you, Zor. We know this was difficult for you.

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Body cis ♀ (1962). Realized 1996 that we're multiple. System of 47, all cis: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (0-7+), 9 middles (8-11+), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+), + formless yin/yang.

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Re: Never good enough...

Postby IainEtc » Sat Dec 05, 2020 1:37 am

Hi Zor,

That's really hard but you're doing really good.

Iain
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When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Eliseahorse » Sat Dec 05, 2020 6:56 am

Well done zor and pixie XXX
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Re: Never good enough...

Postby Zor » Wed Dec 09, 2020 5:54 pm

So with our T last Friday, like after all this went down, we let him see all the DMs between her and us/Zor. He said we handled the situation well, he couldn't do it better he said. He also liked it was without emotional reaction, but still tender and compassionate, and very clear with what the consequences are for pushing the same direction with her behavior.
Also, said it was good we put her on ignore/block so we can't like get her BS anymore. The ONLY way she can contact us now is email or phone- and that will take a whole different level of intention. IF that becomes a prob, we'll spam-list her email and/or block the phone number. We are so done with this crap!

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