To be or not to be (a journey thread)

Hi so we are a system that for a time thought it was healed but it turns out we didn't blend into one but rather have become some sort of hydra. our little Peter is still seperate and probably always will be I think but we (the rest of us) are both fused and separate. I don't know how else to explain it. We share one name and act with consultation we are all conscious all fronting. Yet we still remember our old personalities we still have radically different views on things like our gender and tastes in music. There are no fights over this we ensure that everybody's tastes are accounted for in turn.
We have got away with it so far by stating that we are gender fluid and have eclectic tastes. As we are all co conscious and respond to one name we don't have the memory gaps that gave away our condition in the past.

Thing is my partner who loves us all of us ( the only one of us he has not yet met is Peter) and who we all agree we can love has started talking of moving in together after Corona is over. We are now in a quandery. He currently sees our fluid personality as fascinating and wonderful but he thinks we are actually an I if I tell him the reason behind it I am worried he will start looking at me as if I was sick. Start worrying that I might unravel.

Eliseahorse wrote:Hi so we are a system that for a time thought it was healed but it turns out we didn't blend into one

oOo In my opinion, the fusion of all alters is not the only way for a system to "heal".

Eliseahorse wrote:We share one name and act with consultation we are all conscious all fronting. Yet we still remember our old personalities we still have radically different views on things like our gender and tastes in music. There are no fights over this we ensure that everybody's tastes are accounted for in turn.

oOo I would say that you are co-conscious. It is, in my opinion, a very healthy way of being. You are all special and all working together as a team.

Eliseahorse wrote:We have got away with it so far by stating that we are gender fluid and have eclectic tastes.

oOo It is also what we do.

Eliseahorse wrote:He currently sees our fluid personality as fascinating and wonderful but he thinks we are actually an I if I tell him the reason behind it I am worried he will start looking at me as if I was sick. Start worrying that I might unravel.

oOo I understand the feeling. It is a very difficult decision to make. Stay hidden all your life until you cannot hide anymore and take the risk of talking about it when you have a strong, common life built with your S/O. Or, taking the risk of talking now so you know for sure right away. Only you can take the decision. Take your time weighting the pros and cons. And good luck.

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van Hohenheim.

ArbreMonde wrote:oOo In my opinion, the fusion of all alters is not the only way for a system to "heal".

On that, too, is that a fusion doesn't necessarily ONLY mean the end of the fused parts and a new one. That fused sense of self can, and from what I've seen others describe, is more often a more singular-like state for those system parts. Sometimes they choose a different name to reflect the combined presence, sometimes they don't. But most cases I've seen or read about the fused ones are STILL themselves, just acting more in unison with each other.
Healing, in this sense, will be every bit as unique and necessary to you and your system, and to each and every part of it. There is NO standard outcome to judge it by- the ONLY metric of success is better communication, stability, and ability to function better.

ArbreMonde wrote:

Eliseahorse wrote:We share one name and act with consultation we are all conscious all fronting. Yet we still remember our old personalities we still have radically different views on things like our gender and tastes in music. There are no fights over this we ensure that everybody's tastes are accounted for in turn.

oOo I would say that you are co-conscious. It is, in my opinion, a very healthy way of being. You are all special and all working together as a team.

YES! THAT!
And this speaks precisely to what I said above a moment ago. Fusion is NOT about "becoming singular" or "becoming a singlet/singleton". It is about functioning more LIKE one whole- not a singleton, but one whole sense of self. It means more awareness, more co-awareness, even more input. It does NOT eradicate the uniqueness, memories, and experiences of all the parts of the system. It just means they are readily available and accessible to the rest of the system more like a singleton would have their experiences readily available. We do not ever stop being multiple or different, but we DO get more cohesively functional.
There is NOTHING WRONG with being multiple. It is NOT a disease that needs a cure. It is a way of existing that needs to be managed, learned to cope, live, and identify with- just like singletons have to do.

ArbreMonde wrote:

Eliseahorse wrote:We have got away with it so far by stating that we are gender fluid and have eclectic tastes.

oOo It is also what we do.

Eliseahorse wrote:He currently sees our fluid personality as fascinating and wonderful but he thinks we are actually an I if I tell him the reason behind it I am worried he will start looking at me as if I was sick. Start worrying that I might unravel.

oOo I understand the feeling. It is a very difficult decision to make. Stay hidden all your life until you cannot hide anymore and take the risk of talking about it when you have a strong, common life built with your S/O. Or, taking the risk of talking now so you know for sure right away. Only you can take the decision. Take your time weighting the pros and cons. And good luck.

In many senses you ARE more fluid. You ARE more flexible. You DO have varied perspectives, conflicting ones even. You have an entire way of existing and perceiving differently than singletons. This is NOT a sign of not healing or being broken- just of being DIFFERENT. Different is OK.
Sometimes a feminine part may have you as a whole more feminine, that's ok. Sometimes you'll be more masculine, that is ok, too. Sometimes you'll be whimsical or silly, sometimes stern and serious... that's all ok, too. Sometimes it'll be erratic fluidity or shifting... guess what, that's ok, too.
These are more dramatic, more pronounced, or entirely uniquely presenting in multiples like us- but these are NOT entirely unique TO us. Singletons are the same way- it just manifests and/or presents differently.

If you are were you are describing above- all present, all aware, all able to experience, input, and share- you are in an AMAZINGLY good place. Don't let your doubts, and certainly not outside "you're still multiple so you failed" BS drag you down. You are doing an AMAZING JOB! We would LOVE to get to where you are. Heck, we'd love to be even half that well organized, co-aware, and co-functional. You are doing amazingly well in that regard. You are amazing. Don't fret yourself. Just keep being you- ALL OF YOU... All of you matters. All of you was needed. All of is what makes you, as a whole, you.

-Kaleb

-- Sat Oct 31, 2020 7:36 am --

Eliseahorse wrote:Thing is my partner who loves us all of us ( the only one of us he has not yet met is Peter) and who we all agree we can love has started talking of moving in together after Corona is over. We are now in a quandery. He currently sees our fluid personality as fascinating and wonderful but he thinks we are actually an I if I tell him the reason behind it I am worried he will start looking at me as if I was sick. Start worrying that I might unravel.

To THIS part... I wanted to reply to this separately.
Honesty in a relationship is paramount. Without it, the relationship WILL suffer and possibly fail later. If you truly want a long-lasting, sincere relationship. You need to tell them. It can be done in any way you feel comfortable, but it cannot be a negotiation. It cannot be a "what do you think about..." leaving the option open for them to dictate who you are and/or how you are. You are who you are, and that means ALL OF YOU. If someone is going to care for you, they have to care for ALL of you. It would be incredibly unfair and entirely unreasonable of them not to or to want to pick and choose- I'd go so far as to call that manipulative, controlling, and cruel (possibly even abusive).

I would also note from OUR experience with Zor finding out, all of us finding out, after he'd been married for quite some time- the revelation that that was to his wife has been very very very hard on their relationship. She has been quite cold and dismissive (at best) to the rest of us and the idea of making space and allowance for our expression- it's a battle she is losing and WILL lose when it comes to a head... but it IS a constant fear and concern (depending on who of ask you ask and when determines if it's a concern of a fear). She once went as far as to say "If I knew you were like this before we got married, I would have never married you." to him. These sorts of deep secrets about who you are fundamentally CAN and WILL severely hurt a relationship- ESPECIALLY if the one left out finds out you knew all along. We're going through this with Zor's wife when even HE didn't know, when WE didn't know... I can't even imagine the pain and hurt, the betrayal, she'd be expressing if we KNEW all along and concealed it.

If it's less a serious relationship than love- meter that risk as you feel you need to. But if that relationship is at all serious or possibly to be... you NEED TO have that conversation with them at some point- in a safe, comfortable, and matter-of-fact way. IMHO, it should be a firm factual "This is who I am. I am we, we are me." Let them ask questions and give answers so far as you're comfortable with, with the upfront explanation some things are deeply personal and/or painful and can't/won't be talked about immediately... but let the important part about you being so uniquely formed be clear. It'll be hard, we've been through it (before and after)... but it's for the better in the long run. The more that relationship matters, the more important the honesty will be.

Remember, everything he likes about you and has seen of you- is ALL OF YOU already. It will just opening up about the HOW you are like you are, not some massive "this changes everything you know" sort of thing- they KNOW YOU ALREADY... and the quirks and uniqueness.

Hi Eliseahorse,

How long has it been since you got away from the abusive ex-husband? Hasn't only been a matter of months, or maybe a year? Are you spending a lot of in-person time with this new relationship, or can you not because of the virus? You may want to progress very slowly, and definitely make sure that he has met all of you and gotten to know and understand who you are, and that these are different people, not just facets of a singleton. Obviously he would have to meet and get to know Peter as well.

Also, do I remember correctly that you have a young daughter? That certainly adds a level of complication.

There are a lot of considerations, and of course the whole virus situation adds a lot of stress for everyone.

Are you able to be in therapy with a good DID therapist? They could help you sort out how each of you feels and support you as you move forward.

the Gang

Hi everyone

Kaleb thanks for the complement we don't think we would have managed if we had as many splits as you guys. Last count there are 3 littles and 4 adults with a 5th unknown that our healer is acting as a buffer for so the unknown is experiencing what we experience when we are out but not allowed out yet themselves and only the healer has full access to their reactions/thoughts the rest of us get broard emotional imput

Hi gang it's been a year since the ex and we met this new partner a month ago so it's early days yet! With current restrictions we can only meet each other outdoors. But we see each other every other day. We haven't tried to mask any behaviour or anything we just react as how whoever's main turn it is wants to react within the parameters of "this is our social roll of single working parent" eg this morning 2 of our littles took him rollerskating. There is an agreement that littles have to speak via an adult personality so we don't freek anyone out with radically different syntax (also ensures the "why is that woman so fat" comments are dealt with by an adult part and not expressed externally lol) as for our daughter she is now trans male. Turns out the ex husband was abusing her sexually, under the guidance of a psychotherapist she has socially transition to he in order to feal safer. The new partner is really supportive of this. the two of them get along well and yes we are taking things slowly.

We are aware that Corona has been something of a pressure cooker.

We were discharged from psychology back in February as far as the NHS is concerned I'm "emotionally normal"

Thank you all for your input. We think for now we will just interact with him so he gets to know the main of us better first. But definitely will have "the conversation" before he moves in. As ex-protector I think introduction to Peter will have to come after that talk as it is a radical , noticeable personality switch when Peter fronts. Peter was allowed out In front of close friends at Halloween. They had been prewarned and are the only people in our new social circuit aware of our condition. He didn't stay out long as it "felt weird" - peters input.

We chose to abandon our old names as we found it prevented proper sharing even our old titles are becoming irrelevant as we are just living more complete lives. Peter will still address us by our old names. If ever we arnt sure who we are we just have to ask Peter and he'll be like "silly you are ... "

Exactly what Kaleb said. Honesty.

From what Kaleb said about Zor, we may have some things in common. Hugs for you all if you want them.

DiD almost ruined an incredibly long relationship with my S/O and I. A VERY happy and trusting relationship because S/O couldn't understand why I couldn't explain some things I had done and assumed I was purposely withholding information from her. Blackouts suck. Thankfully we are OK and doing better than ever but still struggling to work through my issues because it is a huge adjustment and a long process.

(I may blog about this soon but if not and anyone has questions, please feel free to PM. I don't want to hijack your thread Eliseahorse)

I can't say for sure what you should do Eliseahorse, but I just wanted to share and support the other opinions above.

Be good to yourself.

We wish all of you the best and hugs if you want.

Quick update a joke was made about hearing voices and we used it as an opener to explain our system then we gave our partner our journal so he could see how we had been interacting with him. our handwriting is still distinct so the most dominant identity of the day records the day's events it helps for seeing patterns etc . He thought at first we were having him on but when we didn't laugh he realised we were being serious.
Lots of questions and he kissed us before he left for work. But his eyes were all concerned just hoping this wasn't to soon. Would appreciate it if you guys could keep your fingers crossed.

oOo Keeping my fingers crossed.

oOo It might be a good idea to also explain what a system is NOT? Such as, a system is not schizophrenia, has nothing to do with movies like Split...

oOo I sincerely hope everything will be well.

--

van Hohenheim.

Just had a phone call. He wants to make a go of it. We are so relieved. His one concern was that Peter isn't allowed total control of the body in public. We reasured him that Peter knows the rules and if he ever tried to front solo in public there would be concequences ( like his strawberry laces going in the bin).
Thanks for the shout van hoenheim that's a good idea. He is quite the film fan so he has probably seen split .

So life goes on.
I'm not sure if this will end up as a journey thread. We arnt sure if we need one but I keep being drawn back here.

We are in a good place now our partner is living with us and has met all of us. The 5 bigs are in one form of romantic relationship or another with him, the 2 littles get a fair amount of playtime kinda uncle/best friend vibe.

Work is going well, 3 of us collaborate on one job and the other 2 bigs collaborate on our second job so we all feal fulfilled in our work life.

We have worked out that the fluctuations in who is available to front are largely influenced by our hormone cycle. This is a comfort and also a worry. A comfort because it makes things vuagly predictable. A worry because things like pregnancy, menopause are huge hormone disruptors, what will happen to the system if/when those events come about. We have accepted that the mechanism for who gets the front is a mystery. I seam to be main... Filling in the gaps for when there isn't a specific thing the others want to do. But I can feal I am tireing so I'm guessing in a month or two one of the others will take over main and that's cool. It's hard work organising things when interests clash.

Biggest anxiety comming up is the family holiday. Managing the emotional fall out of the littles who will be so desperate to interact with our dad but won't be able to front because when we tried explaining did our dad freeked and went into denial. So we are practicing blends asking our partner how obvious is it when the littles are blended in with us. It feels weird and slightly out of control very impulse based and is definitely something that can only be sustained for a few moments but if those few moments are enough for the littles to have a hug from dad it will be so healing for them. (Dad was away with the army when the abuse happened so the littles are in a perpetual state of waiting for daddy.)