To be or not to be

Court again it's draining. Not just the endles repeating ourselves and answering minute details "what were you wearing exactly (insert date several decades ago) " but also the endless explain and reexplain what is did what is facial agnosia what did defenatly is not.

But it is also the aftercare the forcing retraumatised parts out to do a hobby at home so that they don't stRt to associate outside with trauma.

This seasaw between defending ourselves in public and nurturing ourselves in private is wearing me thin.

In those quiet moments before sleep I worry that I will burn out before someone stronger takes the helm.
But I am the voice the court people know. I can't just back down now.

I've dropped into so many of the others memories I'm starting to forget my own boundaries. I don't want these memories I don't want to see these things. I will be so glad to give them back at the end of it all.

Streatched so taught will I return to my original shape when we are finished?

19

"I got to sit next to my daddy and we had cake" 3

Had a visit from our parents today. It was really nice and gives us hope that the upcoming Christmas holiday with them is going to run smoothly.

Peter was a little jarred by the mention of the relative that enabled our abuse (parents do not know about the abuse) but we were able to work as a team and while externally we appeared a little distracted, internally those of us fronting only spaced out slightly while others worked to comfort Peter who successfully stayed in the present and avoided descending into flashback.

Sometime, hopefully not until after Christmas, we will need to visit said relative, we have been putting it off but won't be able to much longer, covid is no longer the watertight excuse it once was.

As they are in their late 80s, and we only useualy visit anually, we are hopeful that it will be the last visit. Part of us or one of us feels like we shouldn't be able to so calmly look forward to someone dieing but after what was done to us is it really so terrible to feel a sense of relief at their impending demise?

It's nice to have news from you!

It is completely normal to feel a relief when a danger is gone for good. When the danger is a person, sometimes the only safety we can have from this person is the end of their life. It is sad but it is a normal reaction.

It is not "the person dying" that makes you feel relieved but "the end of the danger this person represents". It does NOT make you a bad person. It makes you human. It makes you a wounded person in need of safety.

Would you say the Munchkin were bad people for singing "Ding dong the witch is dead"? Same thing here. They celebrated the end of the tyranny, their newfound safety and freedom. It's okay to feel the same way about an abuser "assuming room temperature" at last.

So we came down with the flu 2 weeks before Christmas and we still have it. The brain fog has made existing as a cooperative impossible we can't hear each other.

The weirdest side effect of this has been the re-emergence of individual habits/posture that we hadn't even noticed being absent. For example I was watching my partner's little play with the Christmas present that was specifically his and he said something that made me smile and my smile felt right. I have a lopsided twitch of a smile and I hadn't realised that the body doesn't generally do that until yesterday, yesterday's smile just fit.
Makes me wonder how the body makes sense of all the conflicting commands for microexpresion when we operate collectively.

The girls got the Christmas holiday 19 got the 4 days with the folks 33 got the day with an old friend. Peter got away with a bowling session because we have to wear a mask to avoid infecting others so the facial expressions that would have been a give away were covered.

I'm determined the next few days are going to be for me and the caretaker. On the upside all that time inside I did manage to write some poetry.

This illness induced isolation has been both frustrating and liberating. I think when we are better we need to start scheduling solo operating time for each of us. Time when we can just be ourselves to hone our personal skills and just enjoy the body feeling like it truly fits.

Hope you guys are recovering from the flu and getting some time to each be yourselves. Glad Peter got to go bowling!

The bigs are agrguin over Wever they should grow a mustache. It's not a proper mustache but the hairs are kinda dark ifn we don't shave. Kinda like the bum fluff what big boys get before they are misters.

The girls say it's not ladylike and the men sayin that it would help them pass whatever that meens I dunno I fink a mustache would be cool but only if we could twirl it like captin hook or detectiv poaroit an we definitely don't get enough for that wif the girls shavin every time they gets main.

It's all very silly but I guess all the arguin meens the flu will be gon soon cos we can hear each others again.

Hi,

In your case 'passing' means 'to be seen as male by others'. It is a term that relates to how people see you as one gender or the other.

In our case, we were born in a male body, but most of our system are girls or women. We were lucky that our body looks very womanly anyway and with the right padding everyone sees us as a woman. So, we 'pass as female'.

However, it is nice to hear that the flu is passing, and I hope that helps explain what they are talking about.

Take care,
Vi

Feeling numb.

Everything we went through was to protect our sisters and now we have lost them.

Baby sister is getting married this year and I had put down her lack of coms over the past few months as due to prepping for the wedding. .

Last night we got a text saying maintains a relationship with me is too hard she never wants to see me or hear from me or my child again.

I just don't understand. She lives in a different country so its not like I'm round frequently, the sum total of our communications has been a monthly text with photos of how life has been which always ends in hope you are well would love to hear what you've been up to. Her responses if they come have always been minimal but up until christmass the few times we have gone down in person have always been wonderful.

I just don't understand what is so hard? Up until last night I thought we had a low maintenance happy sibling relationship.
She was too young at the time to remember the incidents (literally baby in cradle) if she had been older I could have maybe put it down to survivors guilt but I've been given no explanation at all.

I'm just crushed and I don't know what to do with this information. The only thing that has enabled our trauma holder to come to terms with the abuse we went through is the thought that the sacrifice was worth it because it was for our sister, seeing how she thrives makes the pain bearable.

We have never told my sister or anyone other than our therapist that.

She has already blocked us on everything and family members have been told to treat me as if I was dead.

I don't know what to do, I dont dare tell the others yet because I'm scared of the impact this will have on the trauma holder.

I am so sorry that this happened, and worse, for her to push everyone in the family to turn their back on you is wrong. That she did not reach out to discuss what was wrong or why she was doing this is also just wrong of her. All of this is just wrong.

I hope you find a way through this. Cutting off someone just because having a relationship with them is hard is just cruel, as far as I'm concerned.

Please take care of yourself,
Vi

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Often someone behaves like that if they think (or have been convinced) that they were abused by the person, and they want to completely cut them out because even very low contact is distressing. But to do it without any reason or explanation is cruel, as ViTheta said.

And why is it that she has control over what other family members do?? Why would they treat you "as if [you] were dead" without being given a good reason??

It sounds so confusing and upsetting.

It is STILL TRUE that you protected her. What's happening now doesn't change the past.

Sending support and safe hugs.