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To be or not to be

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Re: To be or not to be

Postby Eliseahorse » Sun Nov 28, 2021 11:15 pm

Thanks zamiel.

The other day was a bad day. A day full of not knowing and horror/terror about loosing who we are.

The cooperative was built to allow us to access the best of us. Constant cocon that ment that noone ever pilots alone the relevent alter could (almost) always be around for specific tasks. Sure who woke up in the morning was always a lotery but once the body was conscious we could get organized. It worked well.

But something went wrong. We arnt sure when it started to happen but at some point we over shared . Those that were unexpectedly put in a position where they needed to mask rather than waking the owner of past memories just went in and viewed them.

(Our memory banks have physical locations in our innerworld. Untill recently they were physically sectioned off only the owner could access.)
Now we remember it was the holiday with family, needing to talk about the past without switching. We lowered the barriers so information could be relayed as quickly as possible. It was only ment to be temporary but they never went back up.

Since then there has been a muddying. It seems this more permiable state that left us prey to the rule of the majority... Because the majority of us are mediocre cooks our cooking has deteriorated much to the dispair of our mute alter who lives to cook. When we pick up an instrument now we are all fingers and thumbs even if it is the alter who it belongs to trying to play.

So we have decided to re build the walls. Hopefully we will regain our skills.
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Nov 29, 2021 6:20 am

Oh, I see. It sounds like a difficult situation. I hope that you manage to bluilt enough walls to regain the skills, but keep them low enough so that the informations can still be shared easily.

Integration is a difficult balancing act, and going too fast can be just as bad as going too slow. I - well, the whole of us really - sincerely hope you will find your "equilibrium point" back again soon.
__
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby Eliseahorse » Mon Nov 29, 2021 8:04 am

You guys have had so many fusions how did you all manage to get so stable? You guys are an inspiration
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
M 30
M24
F10-17
F31
NB19
2 partially integrated alters
Peter (7)
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Nov 29, 2021 5:15 pm

Thank you.

We mostly "go with the flow" instead of pushing against the amnesia walls. We also have a lot of blending and sub-system kinds of fusion. We still recognize whose influence is active at any given time, but we are more than one to see it as "me" in the same time. Therefore we end up being entertwined within each-others making it easier to say "fusion" or to use a global name for some groups of us. This might be exactly what "fusion" is all about. This might not be. We do not really care, we merely focus on working together, not as separate units each doing their job on their side, but rather, sharing our knowledges and skills so that each and every one of us can do as many different things as possible.

Moreover, knowing and feeling in our guts that "fusion" does NOT mean "death" but rather, well, "fusion", mixing together while still existing, becoming a "Force ghost" as in the Star Wars franchise - it makes it less scary to let go of individuality. Because we know we can come back to it whenever we want, and still enjoy the togetherness whenever we want. We love being who we are, we love being different people, but we more and more realize that "identities" and "parts" are two different aspects of "us". Any identity can contain any parts and the other way around. Which means that we can be whoever we want to be, and find access to whatever parts we want to be able to have access to.

We are aware of being parts, groups of parts, parts within parts etc., of still being incoherent at times, still having a lot of trauma work to do, a lot of safety feelings to regain, and we do our best to mimick our therapist (as well as clinic examples from trauma therapy books) with each-others in order to keep working in-between sessions.

We can be whoever we want. We can be one of the many us already existing. We can create new "us" by merging (fusing) together. We can create new "us" from scratch, too, if we so desire. We can be whatever we want to be. The only condition is: to keep contact with as many parts (systems of actions, memories, emotions...) as possible. To connect as many parts as possible.

It is difficult to understand it with words only. When we started experiencing it within our functioning, things became way easier to manage. It feels like learning to play an instrument. Once you know how to read the music sheet and play the instrument, you can more easily learn to play any music really. To carry on with the metaphor, I think we have reached the "I know to read music and play the instrument" point of our brain/dissociative system. Which makes it way easier to learn to play different melodies, because we understand what we are doing, why we get this or that result when doing this or that. We know that we can "summon" the fused/dissipated ones whenever needed. We also know any of us can access their abilities if we prefer to do it without switching.

We still have a long way to go. It sort of feels like our brain decided to go for the phase 3 of the ISSTD treatment plan first, just because. We have a lot of phase 1 things to go through as well as all of phase 2.

And also to be fair, the torsoplasty (FtM mammectomy) had a lot of positive effets on us, pushing towards more fusions / blendings. It gave us the effect of using a "cheat code" to gain early access to some of phase 3 elements. It might also show that a lot of our dissociation issues stemmed from gender dysphoria.

I hope I did not make you too uncomfortable by infodumping in your journal thread. I hope the infos I shared will be helpful for you.
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby Eliseahorse » Thu Dec 09, 2021 7:38 pm

Life is good. The advent has given a good excuse for a deep clean and dejunk. We are shifting our work hours between the 2 jobs to compensate for the change in main. At the moment we don't have a main host. We think the motherfigure is making moves towards main. Our biological birthday was celebrated bby those that wanted and ignored by those that didn't.
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
M 30
M24
F10-17
F31
NB19
2 partially integrated alters
Peter (7)
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby Eliseahorse » Sat Jan 08, 2022 4:26 am

We have started masage therapy. For a long time we have avoided it because we felt that being naked with a stranger would be way too triggering but it got to the point that even with painkillers and special lumber suport pillows we couldn't sleep.
Our first session we were so frightened and tense our protector handled most of it. We only had a half session and the therapist didn't find the root cause of the pain until the last 5 minutes (our back was so badly snarled that undoing one section just led to more damage being discovered etc. Any way she said that we would need a full hour dedicated to that one small section alone. We thanked her and said we would need to think about it. She had gone out of her way to make us comfortable but we weren't sure if it was worth it especially as the moment we tried to stand up all the sections that had been unsnarled immediately started contacting again.

Anyway 3 weeks later we notice the sleep deprivation is starting to affect our driving so we agree one more shot was worth the gamble.

Well the crunching and grinding that went on while the MT was working on my shoulder blade was nauseating. She asked me if we had a hunch or if we used our shoulder to hold the phone to our ears because the scar tissue in that area was extensive.
Tw physical abuse
Eventually we admitted that our back problems started after being thrown through a window by our hair
End tw
Anyway around 45/50 minuets in the crunching gave way to a pop and it was like our neck lengthened and warm liquid just ooozed from under our shoulder blade. She spent the rest of the session unwinding everywhere else and this time they stayed unwound.

After we got back home we were shocked to discover how much of our posture and movement range had been affected by this injury reaching for stuff or picking stuff up from the floor was fluid now. We discovered that the horid "lumpy" cusions, matreses etc were actually really comfy and realised the lumps we had been fealing must have been huge solid muscle knots.

Anyway it's currently 3am and we haven't been able to sleep I couldn't work out why but our motherfigure reached for the lumber suport pillow and we realised that the effects of the masage had finally worn off.

We had been warned that because we had had this injury for so long that unless we were hypervigelent about our posture our muscle memory would got back to the defensive "cradling" it has been doing for over half our life. We hadn't noticed a change in posture but evidently we have slipped back into defencive postures and are seazing up again.

So now we are steeling ourselves up for another visit to the MT we will probably need regular visits to her for the rest of our lives but we think that will probably be a good thing. Having someone other that our partner who is able to touch us and us feel safe about it can only be a good thing and hopefully will meen we will freak out less when other medical stuff needs doing. ( We are still avoiding out cervical smeer which is overdue by nearly a year now)
Body 31
Co-concious system known collectively as Eli
M 30
M24
F10-17
F31
NB19
2 partially integrated alters
Peter (7)
Unknown
User avatar
Eliseahorse
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 152
Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2020 12:04 pm
Local time: Tue Jan 25, 2022 11:08 am
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Re: To be or not to be

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Jan 08, 2022 8:08 am

It is tremendous progress on so many levels! Congratulations to you all!
__
The Mirror.
Autistic |ADHD |DID | transmasc (they/them & he/him)

System host (final fusion ???): Morwan

Can post as a sub-component of the system, or a sub-sub component.

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User avatar
ArbreMonde
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