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The Western journey thread.

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The Western journey thread.

Postby Western » Thu Oct 15, 2020 6:03 pm

I don't know if I'm up to doing this to be honest and if I am i dont know how long it will last.

I just think it might help me to keep an account of things that happen in my day to day running of things.

I have many alters but I'm not always aware of them and when they come. I do know that each one of them has a role to play and that each one steps forward as and when required.

I am the host. I don't know if I am an alter from the original person but it is me who usually posts on this forum.

I can write for the others because I do know them but I cannot speak for them as they have their own voices and like I said before they step forward when they need to. When we are at rest they have no reason to step forwards because they have done their job and they can take a step back.

Their job is to go out into the world. To earn money and to look after us. They do it really well.

I will try an make entries to this journey as often as possible.
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Re: The Western journey thread.

Postby Western » Sat Oct 17, 2020 2:41 pm

Was just thinking about this thread when all of a sudden I had a memory of being fascinated by the little Russian Babushka dolls as a child.

The memory came as I was thinking about how as a person i carry along with me all these other people. It's like I'm a vessel but I don't like to say that because it dehumaises me and I am an individual but it's just that I have a few other individuals within me.

I've had "the nightmare" for the last four nights as well. "the nightmare" is just simple terminology for what is actually happening. I'm beginning to understand that my different alters like to front at night time. I can feel each one coming in and fading out. It's quite a strange and powerful sensation. Feels like a pulling and pushing feeling. Then there's the inner voice. It's my voice, I recognise it but it's echoing inside and I am consciously controlling it. I'm telling the little that it's just a dream and not to be scared. With this I wake up. I'm thinking though that I'm saying the wrong thing. Maybe I should be encouraging them to show me more things. They are doing really well to be honest. I've learned her age from it all. I've only been able to learn this from the pictures she has shown me and I've been able to put the puzzle pieces together.

I come out of this state with a racing heart and full of anxiety but I'm really glad that it's happening as well.
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Re: The Western journey thread.

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat Oct 17, 2020 4:05 pm

I hope it's ok to comment on this thread. It's just that the way you referenced what's happening as a "nightmare" reminded me of a kind of revelation that one of us had a week or two ago. Our T had responded to a text we sent, and the one reading the text didn't understand why the T was saying a certain thing.

Then we thought back to how we had phrased the text, and realized that the T's response was partly an answer to someone who wasn't in the front right now, at the time we were reading it. It was very much like I was reading something that was partly addressed to someone on the inside, and I could feel that it meant something to them.

So then I was overwhelmed by the "nightmare" that we have this--that there are other people inside, and that the T talks to them. I literally got up and walked into another room to try to get away from the realization.

But then there was a very strong feeling and thought from someone else that, "No--this isn't the nightmare. What you had to go through as a child was the nightmare. This is what was needed to deal with that nightmare." And that got through to whoever was feeling overwhelmed, and reassured them.

It feels so dumb and frustrating that someone still needed to hear that--I mean, when will we all accept that we have DID and then just move on from there? But I guess we retreat back into it not being real whenever something becomes too much to deal with.

So, yeah--the more you can be curious and accepting and open to whatever happens, the better. It's just not easy to keep it up all the time.
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Re: The Western journey thread.

Postby Western » Sat Oct 17, 2020 4:51 pm

Yours and other people's comments are always welcome. It's nice to hear others perspectives.

I'm not having any therapy at the moment and I'm thinking about giving up on the idea of therapy as well. Its just that I've lived with this for such a long time without much help and every time I have tried to get help it's just never happened.

I was referred on to psychiatry for evaluation and diagnosis but I seemed to have been forgotten about.

The way my life is at the moment I'm fine. My working alter takes over during working hours and she is doing really well. She's carrying us as a matter of fact. She doesn't really wanna front or talk about what she does outside of that time at the moment.

My only concern is that some of the things she does could be detrimental to other parts of the system and that maybe where the night time issues are coming in. I'm really not sure a therapist could help with this matter. I think it's upto me to try and make them aware that what is happening now is completely separate from the trauma that they went through.
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