Hi, and my journey thread

I was here a long time ago and went away. i was feeling nervous at the time that I had a lot of extra energy and would say or do the wrong thing. so cause it's been a long time, i thought maybe it would be best to reintroduce myself and also maybe make this a journey thread.

well but i don't know what really to say. ~ I guess I am just hoping to find some sense of belonging somewhere. I don't know. it's hard in that way. but I have learned new things i can do with alters, for instance, since my communication with the outside world could be better, I found i can work through more stuff directly with the alters, and i do that i think a lot. i find when i talk to someone in the outside world, and then stop sometimes, all this other talking happens, and i used to think it was maybe related to that person, but now i think it's one of the alters and they make it seem like the other person, cause sometimes it's hard to directly talk to them, but in situations like this, it's easier. i guess it's confusing. it is confusing to me too.

i had been switching a lot to littles not too long ago. And maybe making a lot of progress though it has been hard too. but the outside world stress at times gets higher and sometimes instead of more help they sort of disappear for a while, cause we need to be able to focus. make no mistakes. but then eventually i feel the pressure of the alters, and that is where i am at. trying to balance the outside world with the inside. it is hard cause also I know so little still about it. Sometimes I read a little bit on did, but it seems some people doubt it exists or that maybe i think i can't have it cause not many people do, and i feel confused that maybe i am imagining it.
I don't have a sense of names inside. well a few sometimes. but usually not. usually just it's not clear enough. sort of like looking and seeing people through a slight fog, sometimes the details are not real clear.
anyways, I hope this has been okay and that I can find a place here. I would really like that.
Hello.

Thank you! And hello! I will look at the website. Yes I agree, it is so hurtful when people say it doesn't exist. Thanks for your uplifting views!
Someone inside did a happy dance saying yay! I exist, I really am real. they liked your comment.

well one thing, is that ok i know what happened to me, i remember, but i don't have the direct memories currently, unless something brings it back. I'm not sure if that happens to others, but like right now, at least at this moment all of my childhood, if i try i can remember things, but right now, if i don't try it's like maybe there was no past. and i am okay with that, cause it was hard.
anyways so i was watching a show and a memory came up, it was kind of random, i hadn't thought of it in a long time. but i had a best friend in 4 and 5th and she always wanted us to do risky daring things, and i just went along usually, and would get teased by her if I didn't match up to her. I didn't have a lot of other friends so I generally did what she asked. Anyways we had found a bullet on the side of the road and she said we should throw it or something to make it explode. I saw ok so we were throwing it, nothing happened. then we stomped on it nothing happened, and finally we got a hammer and started hitting it and then it did explode and i think it was really really loud. that's what i remember. just random to have remembered that.

today i feel other alters coming out. i have been in constant sort of new stress situation all month and i noticed that alters all mostly hid away. i thought maybe not did afterall, except i knew for the fact that they have come out so many other times. so i knew it was probably temporary. anyways i am so tired. like burned out. been caring for my dad, as i had to. am also taking care of all this financial stuff, along caring for my own family and doing my school work. it has been all i can do to keep myself together. fortunately i sort of just went to ultra simplicity mode where i have been mainly just helping people with the bare necessities and then withdrawing as much as i can, cause i need to, to be okay. anyways, that is all.

Thank you Andre. yeah i agree.
~
Well my husband i feel has been wanting space lately or is annoyed or something. i don't really know tbh. i have tried talking but it's ok, it just means give more space, which i can do. the problem is i guess, this is maybe a little weird, i don't know what this is, did or what, but i have a space inside that i made that gives me what i need. i need to feel someone is there and cares, i bring it from inside. and that has worked for years now. but lately i feel like i am losing the ability to do that, and i just am stuck in this external world that feels much colder. i want to be able to make and have this world that meets my needs and cares about me. anyways, i am sure i will find it again, it's just sort of faded out for now.

.

i have been wanting to say things on here, but it is getting all jumbled in my head every time i try and i feel scared again that i will say something that will embarrass myself.
hm i get scared sometimes and it always is feeling like i am gonna say all the wrong things, and i don't know how to talk to people no more.
anyways, in some ways life has been fairly good. i am loving the little routines i have made for myself. they keep me feeling safe and in the present. it is so nice! when i was growing up nothing was ever safe feeling. so i love the little mundane routines. they confirm to me that the past is never coming back! after all this time, sometimes I still think it will all come back somehow. anyways.. i feel this is a young teen writing today. I feel the sense of signing my name with a flourish, like id do many years ago.
I don't have the same concept of the parts, i just get a vague feeling about them. but yeah, thank you very much for listening. <3