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Hi, and my journey thread

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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat Dec 26, 2020 9:38 am

-- Hey, it's okay to have issues! Don't feel worry for being woulded: the ones who should feel sorry are the ones who wounded you.

-- I so feel you about the difficulties regarding finding a proper DID therapist! We are stuggling too. Finding a T to begin with is very difficult - finding a T that knows a thing about trauma is another level of difficulty. And finding one who knows about DID and knows it is trauma-related dissociation feels like... moving your armes up and down and hoping to fly to the moon.

-- Dunno how it is in your area, but in mine, most Ts are psychoanalysts and thinks that autism is an infant psychosis and DID is some sort of delusional hysteria. It's like, bear with it and get the meds you need, or leave it and stop all treatment.

-- Good luck with your new T, I hope she'll be the right one for you!

__
Zami
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he/him | she/her | they/them

Active system members {this is a sub-system}:
oOo van Hohenheim | oTo Trisha | & Urielle {~ Theia|# Uriel} | - X (also answers to: Solomon, David, Scar) | // Ulysses | ♥ Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | -- {Zami}

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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Sat Jan 02, 2021 1:00 pm

Thanks, this made me laugh. " finding a T that knows a thing about trauma is another level of difficulty." I would've have thought this was literally their purpose but now I am starting to have my doubts. Yeah so far neither of the two are trained with DID.
Oh no about their reaction to autism. Yeah the misdiagnosis for DID is not the best.. I have read a little on that..
Well I don't want to give up on the therapy just yet, but yeah.. it's troubling that I wonder if I will be understood or now, but we'll see. anyways, thanks for the reply. I read it when you posted it but I got shy and well am replying now, it was really nice that you replied :) Thanks, I hope you have a good new year.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Sat Jan 16, 2021 11:12 am

sorry I am trying to go out and read others blogs, but i can only do things like that slowly. Like every few days I read a little more. no need to reply or anything if your not in a good place. As I say I have been slow to read and reply to others, but working on it.
Just having a lot of health issues and stuff with caregiving for my father and just a lot to deal with, and I have been very disassociative when i finally do get away from everything. Like i don't know, hoping things let up soon. Just had a health emergency tonight to deal with, and then this morning there was a bad situation for me where i ended up with something that was very upsetting happening. will leave it at that for now. cause it might be a trigger possibly. anyways, so just barely keeping it together at the moment, but I'm hoping things get better soon.
Had a malfunction with therapist (online T) and so this time didn't really work out well which also upset me for a few days, as I started to wonder if that would always happen. And anyways I did manage to get another appointment scheduled though. So gonna see.
that's about it, having this constant sense of slight panic attack at the moment, hard to relax, heart rate elevated etc.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Sat Jan 23, 2021 12:00 pm

well i think i figured things out with the therapy, well i didn't say this but i was using talkspace, which is an online therapy app with real therapists, but it went very poorly all around. i didn't feel listened to, and i got cheated out of sessions i was supposed to have and it was very expensive and there was no refund for that. Just a discount for the next month, no refund for the money spent. so i left it.
But then it occurred to me to research it more and i realized that it was not just me, that htis is not a great way to have therapy and both clients and therapists alike are not well treated there. It was pretty shocking when I read into it finally. so i guess i learned something. very disappointing all around, but i guess the silver lining is that it likely wasn't me* and that I was "just too much," as I was starting to worry about.
So otherwise things are ok at the moment. Caregiving continues to have a huge emotional toll on me cause of a lot of anger I have at my family and realizing the conditions I grew up in. But just taking it one day at a time. I am realizing I am needing more time away from others cause the time, the months of this have started to take a toll on me and I am getting burned out emotionally from it all.
trying to slowly get back to learning and trying to get a job (what i was doing before the caregiving, but that and kids at home for school from covid and needing a lot of help, esp my son,) it has really slowed that all down, and that is also really important to me, and I need to find a way to get back and be able to focus on that..
Anyways, thanks for whoever is out there.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jan 24, 2021 1:39 am

I'm sorry that things didn't work out with therapy.

I hope you're able to carve out a little more time to take care of yourself. Realizing what your needs are is the first step.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Wed Feb 10, 2021 11:53 pm

had a relaly awful set of panic attacks yesterday from the stress of everything. just felt so out of control of myself a couple times, because I have been past my stress limit for so long now. i'm starting to worry when things do go back to normal, that i won't know how to go back to normal, though probably it will be okay, i don't know.
. been feeling just very numb from having to see my mom every week, which she was abusive to me growing up. this week my dad was in the er and there was just lots more stress then before.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Wed Feb 17, 2021 7:16 am

a bit of good news is the ordeal may finally be nearing an end i think. i have at many times the last 6 months been tested to my breaking point as I just simply had t o push past and get through so many huge issues I have, cause it had to be done. i saw my mom today, she was very reasonable, but of course blamed my dad as she does for everything and never takes any accountability for her part the effect her abuse had on us and everything. which makes me so angry sometimes. though it really doesn't matter at this point. but i will always remember and it was one of those things. what she did to me, she made me feel afraid so much of the time. and now everything is fine? idk, it's just something i can't wrack my head around except that i will never forget.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Feb 19, 2021 10:04 am

I read a saying once. "The axe forgets the tree remembers".

__
Trisha
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

he/him | she/her | they/them

Active system members {this is a sub-system}:
oOo van Hohenheim | oTo Trisha | & Urielle {~ Theia|# Uriel} | - X (also answers to: Solomon, David, Scar) | // Ulysses | ♥ Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | -- {Zami}

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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Mon Feb 22, 2021 1:46 pm

Trisha: That's a good one.
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Re: Hi, and my journey thread

Postby spinningtops » Sat Feb 27, 2021 8:24 am

well i guess i am back in, the lawyer says it will take 3 months to deal with tax issues and medicaid said today they can't help my dad till this is resolved. i am not getting stressed over it though cause there just is no point. nothing is gonna change it. so just am continuing. the one good thing sort of, was that the person working on my dad's case said this was the most complicated case she had ever done, and something about that felt like legitimized. that this is really complicated and bizarre. anyways. so just carrying on. my mom will be here on tuesday. as she has been every tuesday since this happened. i asked one time she not come cause he had been really sick and it was all i could do to deal with that, but she said she's his wife and has a right to see him, so she came then too and i realized that whether i had a reason or not she always will come by. was glad no other health issues came up today (as they had been occurring every two weeks for this whole time, and it's been 3 weeks since a health issue has come up. and i thought it might happen again but it was okay.)
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