Hi, and my journey thread

Thanks ArbreMonde. I think I will do that. Talk about my symptoms in ways without directly saying Did or anything. also not talking about the sense of alters. scared of that a bit too. but yeah. idk. there is already some start to that. Also was feeling very supported by your note when i read it! I didn't get back right away but just wanted to say thanks for all your kindness to me.

heavy Trigger Warning: talk of potential s* A.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one thing scary has been happening, when i wake up am getting this new memory things coming up where maybe something happened with the parent. and i feel sick and nauseated when i wake and there is that sense of something that happened, and i don't know, this is really new for me cause while i had some weird symptoms i did always think relationship with the dad was fine/okay. or maybe it was and i am making it up somehow, but then why do i feel so bad? i don't know what to make of this, but that this is very different place then i have been in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
end of trigger warning

i will not be seeing therapist in a few weeks cause vacation things and so i am trying not to unduly upset the system, trying not to think of this thing more then i have to. and then of course cause of my psychology, i will just forget bad things sometimes and it's like it didn't happen.
I wrote a note to myself of a bad thing that happened this week to tell the therapist when i do see them also. cause i realized i would likley forget. I get nervous what if they are annoyed by this, but i know it's also silly. and will be fine.

my concentration has been super bad. i want to get diagnosed for add cause i want to see if medication would help? i need to focus to get my work done.. and i am just so distracted this month.

Emotional flashbacks are NOT "made up". Something bad DID happen. As to what it was, that's difficult to say. A lot of things can cause awful emotions in a child. Including a lot of things that would be mundane for an adult.

A single verbal threat when the adult is burnt out, a yelling louder than usual, that can be enough to cause a horrible and traumatic emotion in a child.

I know that "not knowing" is terrifying. The objective facts of what happened are hidden because the emotion is still so huge that it is bearly managable.

Something that helped me manage the fear of what was hidden behind the emotions was: to remember that NOW I am alive and well. So, whatever happened in the past, I SURVIVED. I could discover that I almost died a thousand times in the past, it does not change the fact that now, I am alive.

No matter what terrifying things you survived in the past, you are alive now. You survived. You are totally awesome and super strong. You survived. You are alive now. You are stronger and bigger and better than all the bad things from the past.

ArbreMonde:
Yeah you're right we are all strong here and have lived through a ton.
yeah i guess your right, that it meant something. thanks.
~
ArbreMonde:
Thank you! <3
It meant a lot to me to have that reminder that it was real! Thanks for the confirmation. I self doubt but I saw and believed and know that that was real whatever it meant, but yeah can't deal with what it meant now either.
Almost think i had another memory come up but repressed it cause it so i don't know if that was what it would be but i just felt like i could not handle it yet. so hopefully when i am feeling safer and better will be easier.

~
so some things i can't quite post here yet, but this week had some painful reminders about some situations i had to deal with like in the last few years, in a more recent way.
I am just to calm down. also watched a video that brought stuff up on accident and it made me feel really emotional. but like it's also okay tht that happened cause i realized how hard that time was for me. so there was a healing aspect to it.

I feel a little bad that i am posting again so soon, like i know that is likely silly though and trying to tell myself it is okay to post things and I am not being too much to do that.

my family left on a family trip for a week but i stayed behind, i know that's kind of weird but i just felt i really needed that time for healing and it was sooo amazing. i just sat and stared at the wall or listened to music or went for walks everything was super kind and gentle and not having expectations on me. also so like i don't have any direct family i am close enough to visit, so there was that too. and i have some triggers around my partners parents, nothing they did, just they right wing and some level feels like i always have to be careful and so it's stressful, anyways asking that i not go and stay behind was a really big self care thing, and was good and glad i had the courage to ask for that.

Since they just came back I am really trying hard to hold space for myself to be allowed to continue to take space for myself to hold very deeply needed care for myself, to say i can't always be there for everyone. i feel like i suck so bad to need this, i don't even work. but like i guess i do. and am gonna try to hold that level of care for myself, while of course still loving and caring for my family deeply too, but like in a way that doesn't cross lines for me. I don't know if i can maintain that to be honest, but i will try.

I hope to see the therapist soon but i have issues with them not what they do, but that i do also feel they are really tired and i intuit that and it i am sort of jsut asking myself if i will hurt them by over sharing. they are taking vacation time which i am hoping they take as long as they need, but it's hard cause like it seems like therapists are overworked in our current system and that is like also really hard cause like idk, the world is just a sucky one. they are super kind though i just worry that i will be too much for them, but we'll see. maybe they will be doing better after vacation but i just as i say worry..

hard day but part of me is worried i won't say it right. so gonna try again later..

or i don't know how to say it cause i have too many feelings right now. and i tend to be too much if i post during these times.. but i will try to post soon a bit more.

~

am feeling a little better now cause I am knowing that I can have a bad day and say it, but not go into it cause it would be too hard. So thanks for that.

Congratulations this is an important step towards recovery! It does not look like much but in reality it is very deep.

You can say "it is a bad day" without giving the details. You are allowed not to give the details.

Thanks ArbreMonde , i think it was good too. I realized there was no way I was gonna be able to talk in a good way about it.
And that that is true that being able to wait when I am feeling strong feelings is super important. Though I am still struggling a lot with it. (As with my update.)
~
I am having another hard time. Some part or other thought it would be great to do something really out there and bold... and argh if every single time this ever happens don't i end up with other parts going through huge embarrassment and more or less saying that they can't believe this part did this. and i am here trying to pick up the pieces. I mean that is how it is feeling to me. anyways, this one is very heavy and bad for my system. parts are trying to invoke an amnesia phase so we can forget but it's not working.
I do know that likely in reality what we did wasn't too big of a deal. But the feelings of mortification are still there regardless and we don't know for how long. I am hoping deeply we will be feeling better tomorrow.
Also had a panic attack in front of my therapist who I just recently met and that is hard too cause I was worried that we'd freak her out and she'd bail on us somehow. She reassured me she wouldn't do that though and I felt like a lot better when she said that. So I am hoping that's the case, but I hate getting too emotional esp so fast in front of therapists, cuase i just feel they are thinking that I will be a 'difficult,' patient. I know that may not be the correct way to look at it, but i think it is kind of that way too.
Anyways I have been in some rapid switching like things lately and need to learn to calm things down, but things aren't working as well as normal. But usually time helps. So maybe a day or so things will be better.
Doing a lot of art work lately though, so I am trying to channel my energy into that more. Classes start in just two weeks now.

One really nice thing that happened though is a protective parent part came out a little bit ago and said nothing bad was gonna happen and we didn't do anything so bad like it felt like, and that they won't let anyone hurt us anyways. And I teared up a bit and felt a bit better.

turned off most social media cause have been having more issues with it. more embarrassing things have been happening. doing things that feel awful later. gonna try to keep it this way for a few days till things calm down. things are feeling very chaotic right now though often it will suddenly get better.
ideally a week but i doubt that would work out that long before I find myself back in it.
i did set up a meeting with psychiatrist to see about anxiety medication as well.
For various reasons its been hard if not impossible to tell the therapist about any of it.

been doing better now.