Hi, and my journey thread

hm i know what you mean i think. i have not really had much success with journal writing. but sort of, i do write to myself sometimes, and it does help. but like i have been trying and i never can finish any posts. i save them, but it's like something comes and blocks me from finishing the thought. and in general i feel like i have been having a super hard time expressing myself. so often when i want to write something, sometimes i just stop myself cause i assume it will be wrong and i have been doing that for years now, and i am sort of trying to break all the mistakes i have been making. i wish i could get a therapist, somehow i feel like they could help whatever this problem is. But money has been too tight for any sort of health care things for as long as i can remember almost. just sometimes you can't afford real help, even if you want to. and so i have to figure this out on my own and find some way through this mess. ;/
anyways, thanks for your response, maybe i will try to journal more. and do a better job of it.

i feel so much anger still from past things. just in general i feel so angry. i don't know how to stop it.
i don't know how. why did things have to be like this? i could have been normal, i could have been one of those kids where things were perfectly normal.
my dad knew i was being put through bad things, he did nothing. my mother, she knew what she was doing. she knows right from wrong. i know this cause other people in the family defend her when i tried to tell them, oh she's not like that, you are wrong, she's a little rough around the edges. that's all. i know she can hide how she was to me and my dad, so i know she knows what she was doing was wrong.
when i went to school i thought it would be an escape from home, but then kids would just pick on me, and i just hated them for it. for picking on me just cause what, I was different. it's like everywhere i tried to go, i just feel like i got put down further.
I want to envision a world inside myself where this cruelty doesn't exist, where i can feel safe, and loved and accepted. I work on this place. I don't want to feel lonely and rejected anymore. I won't want the outside world to be able to hurt me anymore. I know i am different, and i will never be accepted. So that is why I want to find a place deep inside where i will be forever safe.
~N

Thank you, i so agree with all that you said, was very empowering.
yeah anger is something, it is important. i mean the things that happened to us isn't fair. and yeah feeling these feelings when i was younger was there but like not felt fully i think. like you want to justify their behavior. or something. idk, but as i got older i definitely have gotten more in touch with anger and it feels empowering to be allowed to feel that. even though it's considered one of those 'bad' emotions to feel. it's all i feel i have in terms of justice is that at least i can be angry.

~

so um, saw my mom today, don't like that, but she has been 'playing nice,' I do always make sure people are around when she is here as well, so that helps. I know she will stay in some control of her behavior with others around. It took me way too long to learn that.
Anyways, as usual i felt i had some reason to say something and then come on here and forget everything. I do know I lost quite a few hours of time tonight. I think from 8- 11 pm or maybe 9 to 11 was just nothing, blink gone. I guess i can't remember what i was gonna say.. but i guess htis exercise maybe will help me get closer to writing what i'm trying to.

hiya. so i think someone took over that has remembered all the good things with my dad. anyone have that happen? out significant other reminded us, that we have been upset at him, cause we haven;t been remembering that. we only can remember the 'good' part now. we don't know what that means, is he be good or not, our significan other said he has not been that good. hm, it is confusing!
well oh well. that's what we remember so it must be so.

ps remember we gost to be nice! that is the ways we always were. we knows how to be so nice. dad here staying with us, so the old roles are here too. it is scary to challenge all the roles sometimes, and they just take over sometimes. ya know?

Thank you ArbreMonde, your wording was very good and feels very true. those we care about have a way of getting into our hearts and it is unbelievable when things finally get realized. thank you.

~

started a therapy online. it is the first time i have been with a therapist and unfortunately my SO had me go there because I have been in a dark place pretty much every week lately. the thing is it's been hard in a way to be in therapy cause i don't know if i can trust them, i have been guarded for so long and that has been the safest thing to do. but obviously that is probably not the best with therapy. trying though. hoping it will help. not trying to broach did subjects but just that i did tell them disassociation is a common issue for me. anyways, i am not sure if it will help or not, but will give it a shot.

i think i am developing rhematoid arthritis or something like that. this morning there was this pain moving all over my body and i could barely move and then i had all this stuff to do like every day, and i took ibuprophen but it didn't do much, ended up in ugly loud tears over the pain and i thought my SO handed my a tylenol to take but it was from his reserve pain medication which he has very few of, and it did help. ok so I called the dr today too, and i haven't been to the dr in like 10 years, which is it's own story and issue that i have had, but anyways I called and cause i don't have a primary dr they won't be able to see me to near the end of February and all ready I was in so much pain just today. Fortunately I think we are gonna figure out how to get seen earlier, my husband is getting some other plan and I am hopeful I will be seen sooner then that.
Anyways cause I am a caregiver it's like no matter what is going on with me I have to be there to help him and care for my dad and like day after day through the pain. I never tell my dad anything about what I am going through cause I don't believe he cares either way. I could be wrong, that is just how it feels, so I keep it just to myself. But it also means I can't tell him to not ask for a lot right now cause then I have to explain why.
I don't know, I was almost at a breaking point today cause of the pain, not sure what's gonna happen. It will be at least til January before he can be put anywhere else.
Oh also thanksgiving is not gonna be at my home anymore, I told my husband I can't do it this year, so I am not sure if it will be at his mom's or maybe will be cancelled. It is sort of surreal cause I have always had it at my house no matter what was going on i was able to do it. I just hope the pain won't be bad when this pain killer wears off.
also i maybe mentioned this already but ever since my dad came to live with us my mom visits every week and I had been basically on no contact with her before this. even though she has been decent on these visits she was super difficult to me growing up and seeing her week after week is super hard also.

well i switched to a second therapist. it was a hard experience. i had given the therapist some input on how there was something I didn't like, which was whenever I complained they'd offer some 'positive,' way to look at the situation, which didn't feel validating to the pain I was in and just made me not want to share and I told her that and she said I should maybe look for another therapist, which was really sad, cause otherwise I liked her and already missed her even though it had only been about a month. Now I have another one and I feel very nervous, like some things feel similar, what if the same thing happens and I just never expected to deal with having to worry if I'd have to be rejected by a therapist... like i worry about rejection all the time with other people and that is partly why I finally have gone to seek treatment.
Also I could not find a DID therapist. that is annoying, cause in a way, many issues seem like are related to that and if I can't go into how there are different personalities that may feel differently then it seems like it's gonna be hard cause they misunderstand me, but I will just have to deal, and try to be as 'unified,' as possible. Anyways, one good thing about the therapy is I do feel healthier even just knowing that there will be someone there that will maybe (hopefully,) listen to me and hear me. I meet with them for the first time next week. |
I don't know if I mentioned this but I was wrong about the pain, it's not as serious as I had at first feared, I do get pain flare ups but they've been rare, and only really bad a couple days. So I guess I had panicked.
I couldn't talk to my husband today, which was a bit lonely. idk. sometimes he just seems uninterested so I left him be. I watched a show today.
~
I am losing a lot of time every night this last week. I stay up after my kids are in bed and I look up and hours and hours often have passed, and I have no idea what I did in this time. which I guess is maybe a normal conundrum here, idk. but it's frustrating cause I have work to do at night, but lately I have had a hard time doing it.

hi again, we got self conscious and sick from posting before cause i feel exposed sometimes, but then i feel bad if i don't post what's going on somewhere. idk. sometimes i think something must be really wrong with me and that i should just hide away. but i am posting again trying to fight that feeling.
well i still haven't seen the second therapist. she got busy or something, but that was okay. Also had a family gathering from my SO family, but still that is still triggering cause i have social anxities, but then it almost always turns okay but I am always afraid it will be very bad. last night, i had trouble sleeping and I felt all these alters just switching back and forth. anyways i always have some trouble with trusting things are okay with my SO, i just as I say, get so anxious, even though he does assure me that htings are fine, I am just always on guard, and I do feel a bit sick today from all this tensions from feeling 'too on guard,' from too many things. I am trying to figure out how to relax. It is hard.
I also felt like i maybe overwhelmed my first and only therapist i had had and now I am nervous that I could overwhelm this one, so i am trying to be 'no trouble.' But yeah, I am anxious, but I guess it might get better when I see her. It's hard cause I want to have relationships with others, but the anxiety feelings just make it so hard and I just feel like I do it wrong anyways.
Sorry I think i have all kinds of issues, and I know some of the issues I am talking about are not specifically DID, but I do feel the Did is there and really effects so many other things. Like how I will feel totally different one minute to another and I won't know how it was I felt such and such way. And then the children alters are the most obvious thing. idk. I also am filled with doubt cause it seems like Did is so non believed these days. But that's neither here nor there. Sorry I am ranting a bit.
Anyways, sorry, thanks for listening. I am glad to have a place to post my thoughts.