Hi, and my journey thread

hm i know what you mean i think. i have not really had much success with journal writing. but sort of, i do write to myself sometimes, and it does help. but like i have been trying and i never can finish any posts. i save them, but it's like something comes and blocks me from finishing the thought. and in general i feel like i have been having a super hard time expressing myself. so often when i want to write something, sometimes i just stop myself cause i assume it will be wrong and i have been doing that for years now, and i am sort of trying to break all the mistakes i have been making. i wish i could get a therapist, somehow i feel like they could help whatever this problem is. But money has been too tight for any sort of health care things for as long as i can remember almost. just sometimes you can't afford real help, even if you want to. and so i have to figure this out on my own and find some way through this mess. ;/
anyways, thanks for your response, maybe i will try to journal more. and do a better job of it.

i feel so much anger still from past things. just in general i feel so angry. i don't know how to stop it.
i don't know how. why did things have to be like this? i could have been normal, i could have been one of those kids where things were perfectly normal.
my dad knew i was being put through bad things, he did nothing. my mother, she knew what she was doing. she knows right from wrong. i know this cause other people in the family defend her when i tried to tell them, oh she's not like that, you are wrong, she's a little rough around the edges. that's all. i know she can hide how she was to me and my dad, so i know she knows what she was doing was wrong.
when i went to school i thought it would be an escape from home, but then kids would just pick on me, and i just hated them for it. for picking on me just cause what, I was different. it's like everywhere i tried to go, i just feel like i got put down further.
I want to envision a world inside myself where this cruelty doesn't exist, where i can feel safe, and loved and accepted. I work on this place. I don't want to feel lonely and rejected anymore. I won't want the outside world to be able to hurt me anymore. I know i am different, and i will never be accepted. So that is why I want to find a place deep inside where i will be forever safe.
~N

# In here we know too well how you feel, N. We have been through this too.

# Anger is something we fought a lot to get it. We needed this anger. For too long we had been told to not be angry, to forgive, to stop thinking about it, to not react... But we had all right to be angry.

# It is the same for you. What happened was wrong, and unfair, and should never have happened. You have the right to be angry about that. The anger tells you that it was wrong. That you were an innocent victim of the events.

# It's okay to be angry. Some people need it in order to move forwards and heal.

# Uriel #

Thank you, i so agree with all that you said, was very empowering.
yeah anger is something, it is important. i mean the things that happened to us isn't fair. and yeah feeling these feelings when i was younger was there but like not felt fully i think. like you want to justify their behavior. or something. idk, but as i got older i definitely have gotten more in touch with anger and it feels empowering to be allowed to feel that. even though it's considered one of those 'bad' emotions to feel. it's all i feel i have in terms of justice is that at least i can be angry.

~

so um, saw my mom today, don't like that, but she has been 'playing nice,' I do always make sure people are around when she is here as well, so that helps. I know she will stay in some control of her behavior with others around. It took me way too long to learn that.
Anyways, as usual i felt i had some reason to say something and then come on here and forget everything. I do know I lost quite a few hours of time tonight. I think from 8- 11 pm or maybe 9 to 11 was just nothing, blink gone. I guess i can't remember what i was gonna say.. but i guess htis exercise maybe will help me get closer to writing what i'm trying to.

hiya. so i think someone took over that has remembered all the good things with my dad. anyone have that happen? out significant other reminded us, that we have been upset at him, cause we haven;t been remembering that. we only can remember the 'good' part now. we don't know what that means, is he be good or not, our significan other said he has not been that good. hm, it is confusing!
well oh well. that's what we remember so it must be so.

ps remember we gost to be nice! that is the ways we always were. we knows how to be so nice. dad here staying with us, so the old roles are here too. it is scary to challenge all the roles sometimes, and they just take over sometimes. ya know?

oOo Nobody is 100% bad or 100% good. Therefore we will have some good memories with past abusers.

oOo Furthermore, the worse relationships are the ones in which we form equally bad and good memories: these are the relationships in which we stay the longest, in which we have the strongest emotional links. The relationships in which we are hurt the most. It is a toxic way of bonding to others, and it is how abusive relationships form.

oOo Splitting the good memories from the bad is a dissociative way of dealing with the situation. Both are real. It is just too complicated for a very young child to understand that someone can be both bad and good, hence the split/dissociation.

oOo I tend to be of the same opinion than your significant other: someone who is half good half bad, is very toxic because it creates the strongest attachments hence the strongest hurt. Therefore this kind of person needs to be treated as 100% toxic, because the equal balace between the good and bad creates the most toxic attachement pattern.

--

van H.