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How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

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How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby WeAreOne420 » Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:59 pm

My mother has difficulties dealIng with me being different. She tries but she still has yet to realize that when I have a host switch or a major switch...she freaks. She can sense a totally different person around her. She seems to only be truly comfortable when certain alters are front. She will say stuff that can make clear that she has favorites.. Not realizing that she's slapping us all in the face.


And then come the arguments.

I also try hard to never make any of my.people feel like one is better than the other or put one against eachother.

So far we can see the situation for what it is but we aren't sure what to do with it.

How do you deal with family etc. That see or sense differences between your alters and have a hard time.dealing with it?
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby Johnny-Jack » Thu Aug 20, 2020 11:25 pm

This is probably not what you're looking for but I have given up on any family members giving me what I need or even responding to me without making it worse. That said, I have gotten general acknowledgement from some that my memories and experiences are valid. In other words, they mostly don't doubt the general abuse I've communicated about but they've had their own blocks if I seek more than that.

Most of my family are either perpetrators or victims and none of the victims -- aunts/uncles, siblings, cousins -- are well enough or self-aware enough to seek appropriate help for themselves. So my conclusion has been that there's no way they're able to meet me even part of the way towards talking about it. I don't need their support, I'm just looking for an honest open relationship without denial or dissociating when I take the conversation in certain directions. I don't blame them but I don't have the patience or strength to wade through their triggers when they aren't willing to acknowledge they have them.

Your mother surely wasn't a support for you in childhood and you may know whether she was part of the cause of your DID. None of my family are healthy and even when they would like in their own way to support me, they're very limited. In many dysfunctional families, that's just reality.
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Aug 21, 2020 6:53 am

HELLO I AM PRIDE

I DO NOT KNOW HOT TO WRITE GOOD (3 YEARS OLD) SORRY FOR THE BIG LETTERS.

IT IS MY FIRST TIME HERE TOO.

I KNOW PEOPLE ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ME. OUR BESTEST FRIENDS WHO ARE MULTIPLE TOO. THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ME.

BUT WE TALK ABOUT IT. WE KNOW THE EMOTIONS ARE HERE. NOT ON PURPOSE. NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

WE WORK ON WHAT WE DO WITH THE EMOTIONS. WE TALK ABOUT THE EMOTIONS.

I KNOW I GIVE CREEPS. I TRY NOT TO.

FRIENDS THEY ACT KIND AND JUST SAY WHEN CREEPS IS TOO BIG.

WE WORK TOGETHER TO BE FRIENDS AND BE KIND. WE TALK ABOUT IT.

I HOPE YOUR MOTHER CAN TALK ABOUT THE EMOTIONS. AND BE A GROWN UP ABOUT IT.

LOTS OF UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS.

{ P R I D E }
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

Going through a reconfiguration process. Present host: oOo van H. oOo (he/him)

Journey thread
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby Dwelt » Fri Aug 21, 2020 11:58 am

We've got the same issue. We live with my mom as we're still student, and at the beginning, our daily memory was so bad, raised so many arguments, we finally told her about our DID hoping it will calm down everything.

It doesn't, we still have irritated comments about our functioning when we're not able to function at our "normally top level".

So she knows about my system, and she's clearly uncomfortable with the info. We hoped to be able to act like ourselves, but it's been 4/5 years now, and we're still hiding. When she feels someone else than me is here (usually Daem, as he's the one who handle our serious talk with my mom the better), she dissociates heavily and can't pay attention to anything we say...

She wants me to talk about myself, but as soon as DID is involved, she steps back... or tries to push herself and ask questions, but as she dissociates and can't remember the answers, it's always the same questions.

She clearly has one she doesn't like at all : Claude, because he has a lot of ways similar to our father (he's an introject of our father, but she doesn't know that), and she doesn't care at all he's a 16yo teen. She already said once "If this one could avoid being out, it will be great". It was like a punch in the guts for everyone. Even Daem, who didn't like Claude that much back then, was pissed off and took control in order to defend him.
And she clearly has a favorite : me, the 20yo girl who looks like someone who can function well and navigate well through life, who can help her and support her too.

But if I dare to ask for some emotional support for myself... she either dissociates, or take my problem as hers and overwhelm me with her own anxiety as she desperately tries to find a solution, even when I already have one - because she sees mine as not being adapted.

At the end of the day, she's the root of most of our daily anxiety. We don't feel safe at all at home.

So yep, like Johnny-jack, I've given up the idea of my family being able to giving me what I need. I had a moment of hope when I finally convinced her to find a therapist, but... she found a psychiatrist who do EMDR, but isn't trained to deal with people with dissociation, and... well, he's a psychiatrist who knows only EMDR, so they don't deal with all the others issues she has. Nothing really changes.
We came to the conclusion that the day we'll leave, if the situation is still the same, we'll cut all contact with her.
French system

The ones in charge : Plume (Plume+Alix+Lea) | Daemon
The main group : Claude, protector | Kal, protector | Erdian, social-manager

"Little" group : Nicolas | Eric | Jean | Linda | Emma | Nathan | Ethan

The last two : Cassandra | Varegh, protector
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby WeAreOne420 » Fri Aug 21, 2020 5:19 pm

Thank you so much for the advice that everyone has given us. I use bits and pieces of everything that you guys have said and I'm using it as a communication tool. We had a discussion. So far so good but I also know that it's a never-ending issue that my mom is going to have to learn how to deal with. And if not .... at least I tried.

I switched back to the person that is easiest for us all to deal with and I feel a lot better and my Mom feels a lot better and I explained to her that the person that you feel more attached to isn't going to always be upfront and you're going to have to learn how to deal with that and be kind to others. She's learning Lol

I'm just happy that I was able to stand up for my other people and let my mother know that they aren't the enemy and then they deserve and are worthy of respect too. I have to say that this is one wild ride that all of us with this disorder are riding LOL


Once again, thank you for all the advice!
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby exul » Fri Aug 21, 2020 8:13 pm

I completely understand what you mean. we posted about this recently, but we have the exact same situation with our mother.

she always felt uncomfortable with us not fitting the standards, being "moody" (she's also triggered by our low moods), and me (the one who takes less space and is not depressed) not being up front all the time.

like you did, we tried talking to her about it, we tried to inform her with small and practical booklets about the disorder, but nothing was changing. she was still really uncomfortable and angry with Angelo (because he's the ""depressed one""), complained about Xavier's (innocent) behavior, etcetera.

at some point we were talking and she told us something like "I can't wrap my head around how you live with multiple people in your brain". so I was like, okay, so she doesn't understand, that's alright. we figured people often need to experience things to fully understand them, and the closest to living something like it's on your own skin is through media. we started reading books about people with personal experiences with DID (A Fractured Mind, When Rabbit Howls, etc) and asked her if she was willing to read some of those stories to better understand our situation. she seemed a bit reluctant at first, but she told me she finished A Fractured Mind in less than three days. today, she sat with us and started asking questions about who we are and who has what role etc, and that was so liberating, knowing that she could somehow understand what we were talking about.

I'm not saying that you'll have the same experience with your mom, because every person is different (our mom likes reading a lot, other people may not). but this might be a suggestion for finding other ways through which she can better understand the situation, if she wants to. it all comes down to her willingness to understand.

we hope this was helpful and best of luck!

Mi & others
body: 20, f
posters/mains:
Mi (12-15, non-binary), Guardian/Jason (40ish, m), Angelo (14-16, m), Xavier (15, m).

others:
Benedict (42, m), Rebecca (14/16, f), Miles (8, m), Little Girl/Ari (7, f), Viola (5, f), Leo (19, m), JR (27, m), Nathan (25ish, m), 0 (teen, m), (...)
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby WeAreOne420 » Mon Aug 31, 2020 11:27 pm

exul wrote:I completely understand what you mean. we posted about this recently, but we have the exact same situation with our mother.

she always felt uncomfortable with us not fitting the standards, being "moody" (she's also triggered by our low moods), and me (the one who takes less space and is not depressed) not being up front all the time.

like you did, we tried talking to her about it, we tried to inform her with small and practical booklets about the disorder, but nothing was changing. she was still really uncomfortable and angry with Angelo (because he's the ""depressed one""), complained about Xavier's (innocent) behavior, etcetera.

at some point we were talking and she told us something like "I can't wrap my head around how you live with multiple people in your brain". so I was like, okay, so she doesn't understand, that's alright. we figured people often need to experience things to fully understand them, and the closest to living something like it's on your own skin is through media. we started reading books about people with personal experiences with DID (A Fractured Mind, When Rabbit Howls, etc) and asked her if she was willing to read some of those stories to better understand our situation. she seemed a bit reluctant at first, but she told me she finished A Fractured Mind in less than three days. today, she sat with us and started asking questions about who we are and who has what role etc, and that was so liberating, knowing that she could somehow understand what we were talking about.

I'm not saying that you'll have the same experience with your mom, because every person is different (our mom likes reading a lot, other people may not). but this might be a suggestion for finding other ways through which she can better understand the situation, if she wants to. it all comes down to her willingness to understand.

we hope this was helpful and best of luck!

Mi & others


Thank you!!
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Re: How do you deal with Family that can't handle this?

Postby spinningtops » Tue Sep 01, 2020 2:50 am

also yeah when i read your post what came to my mind is how triggering parents can be and in general unaccepting of who you are as a person, cause many parents, esp the unhealthy kind feel like they have some kind of ownership on their child so that, if they don't behave how it's expected than it's like an upfront to the parent. Very unhealthy. My point being, you maybe are doing fine and it's your mom that is having an issue.
When I would visit my grandma I never could do right by her and make her happy and I thought it was me and i was jumping through all these hoops, trying to dress how she wanted and everything, but then I realized that that is messed up. Why can't she just accept me and how I dress ? Why does she want to change me so much? And yeah, I feel a lot healthier as a person slowly realizing these expectations family members can have can be totally unrealistic and unfair.
Anyways, other outsiders for the most part i think learn to accept the switching, either that or don't notice... and rarely know what is going on. That is why i think it's more generally not accepting certain aspects that she doesn't like as much.
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