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Journey Thread - littledaria

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Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 02, 2020 1:25 pm

We decided to start this thread to hopefully help us make sense of things. Recently, since we found out we will be returning to therapy after several months. One would think we'd be happy and excited about this but we're not.

Instead, a palpable dread has permeated our system.

We've managed to discover at least some of why we are dreading therapy. Some of our littles fear our therapist is going to discontinue our sessions and greatly fear abandonment. Also, some are fearful our inner world has been invaded by some dark force. Finally, there is the fear of what lays behind the dark wall or floodgates.

We have been drifting into littlespace frequently. Our emotions become basic, primal. We can be struck by waves of feeling, most often a desperate need for comfort.

Our inner rage is active; Simon, a very angry tween, got triggered somehow and now our system is in chaos.

The others are afraid his anger, as are we all. His rage is all-encompassing, blindly lashing out at the world.

He, in turn, activates Naomi, whose suicidality has to be managed by Aloysius, our protector.

It's like dominos. Or a Jenga tower, precariously tippy, waiting to collapse.

We are reminded of the exhaustion that accompanied us when our eating disorder was active. That there is little respite from this turmoil is very frustrating

Naomi keeps visualizing us cutting ourselves. We can almost feel the knife blade. Fortunately we are practiced at keeping such impulses at bay, as we deal with them pretty frequently. Still, its disconcerting

Aloysius, our protector, is, thankfully, very gentle and is good at keeping the system in check, controlling any dangerous impulses.

There is a coldness which covers us like a blanket. It feels similar to the coldness which attacks us when we are triggered in public.

We recently encountered one of our abusers on a city bus. He stared at us with a gaze that, to us, spoke volumes. It's as if he's saying, aloud, to us, "I know what I did to you. You'll never be free of me."

Now, intellectually we know he can never hurt us again but that knowledge flies out the window during such encounters.

Our default trauma response is to freeze and then collapse. This may be a blessing in disguise.

Our inner world, created as a safe space on the suggestion of our therapist, has space for everyone, bedrooms, common areas, etc... unfortunately, now we feel it has been invaded by some dark force, a mass of negativity that rejects the world out of some desperate need.

Could this force be a new alter surfacing? We think it must be a trauma holder if so. It feels similar to our little who is trapped in our childhood bedroom, the same raw emotion. A great feeling of helplessness, of being trapped comes with it.

Still, the overwhelming sense is that of rage, rejection.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Jul 02, 2020 4:01 pm

I absolutely dread going back to therapy, any kind of therapy. It's draining, it takes so much mental energy and it previously caused me to be not with it for days after. I've had psychotherapy, counselling, group psychotherapy, group counselling, art therapy and studied counselling and psychotherapy. Going to therapy again is pretty much the last thing I want to do ever again. So I hear you.

I'm having a DID assessment then I'll think about if therapy is going to happen or not. I'm going with not. I think it'll be worse because instead of therapy being a hiding experience or where I said to the psychotherapist I want to focus on aligning my parts or states of mind I called them then and building a life that most parts can exper and benefit from its going to focus on the DID and the causes, its like my worst nightmare.

But its probably the best course of action so whether I take it or not imo you're doing the best thing for you, all of you and the best thing healing wise I guess. I don't know for sure but it sounds like the best thing. Altho for me I feel like I can live without it, I don't see a light at the end of any therapy tunnel and would rather focus on living my life now. I'm wanting the assessment for myself so I know for sure rather than having doubt. But therapy I'm not thinking about till after.

It's a big thing you're doing going back to therapy and you're reacting to that now so maybe when you get to therapy it'll actually be ok? I'm wishing it will be for you.

Loads of luck and strength,

Sarah
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No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:33 am

We are having flashbacks to our abuse, frequently. We have also had a flash of insight, that Simon, who is rage personified, might ultimately actually hate himself.

We were struck by a wave of disgust, a visceral skin crawling hatred of our body.

It shocked us because Simon has never expressed anything but anger.

It has activated a profound fear.

And Simon has vanished





This sudden absence is shocking and unexpected. What is left is a sort of void, a blank space, if that makes any sense. We are so used to feeling his rage when we have flashbacks and now its gone.

Did we scare him away?
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby Ponyta » Fri Jul 03, 2020 1:02 am

littleDaria wrote:This sudden absence is shocking and unexpected. What is left is a sort of void, a blank space, if that makes any sense. We are so used to feeling his rage when we have flashbacks and now its gone.

Did we scare him away?



We're very sorry to hear that things are so rough for all of you right now. :(

Maybe Simon just needed to take some time alone (like a break)? It happened in our system a few times (where some vanished). In our system, they just needed to take a break. Anyway, we hope you'll be able to find him soon.

We hope things improve for all of you soon!
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Fri Jul 03, 2020 1:04 am

We are in a state of depersonalization. We feel sort of numb, we call it being fuzzy.

We cannot get our abusers gaze out of our mind. It speaks volumes to us, triggering us on multiple levels, resulting in strong feelings of self-loathing. We hear the tone of his voice from so many years ago.

We have a part who blames themselves for the abuse, is convinced they didn't do enough to stop it, that they deserved it. This part is activated every time we encounter him. This most recent time, when we discovered him sitting across from us on a city bus, his gaze felt worse than it usually does. We were frozen in place at the time.

Its almost like he's speaking to us with his eyes; "I know you. I know what you are. What you did."

His gaze transports us to the past in an instant, shattering all our defenses. We can scarcely breathe, hardly think. Our heart pounds, we feel vertigo. We feel a physical pain, a sort of dull ache.

It's all we can do to not collapse on the floor. The instinct to run, to hide, is powerful.

And that is just the encounter, the aftermath is worse. It can take weeks to recover.

What's really frustrating is that we know piles of stuff about abuse, how we were groomed by expert predators, that we were powerless at the time to do anything about it.... this knowledge does us NO FREAKING GOOD!!!!!!

we still FEEL the disgust, the nausea, the shame. It still brings up suicidal ideation, every time. It's as though we have not the slightest control over our reaction, despite our intellectual understanding.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby MakersDozn » Fri Jul 03, 2020 3:24 pm

We're sorry that you're struggling, littleDaria.

What resonates most with us is your description of Simon's anger and the domino effect that results from it. It can feel overwhelming.

We hope that it helps you to write here in your journey thread and, of course, to go back to T.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:20 am

We had therapy tonight, for the first time in months. When we arrived we told her our littles were afraid she was mad at them for being absent for so long. Our T reassured them she wasn't mad at all and was, in fact, happy to see them.

This served to break the ice I suppose. We then talked about the Shadow that has invaded our inner world.

We managed to discover that the shadow is actually a new alter!

He is from the period of time when we were being sexually abused by our neighbor. He's full of shame, guilt, and self loathing.

He managed to disclose something to our therapist which was very difficult for him to say, regarding the abuse.

Our therapist assured us that this is normal and very common with abuse survivors, which was shocking to us; we'd thought we were the only one. This helped and she explained that a 12 year old doesn't possess the capability to process things as an adult does.

We don't really want to go into detail about it, for fear of retriggering ourselves.

This new part also believes they were to blame for the abuse, that they were a willing participant.

This why they cloak themselves in shadow, to hide their shame.

We wanted, desperately, to cry but couldn't, thanks to our stupid psych meds.

We were also reminded that an external trigger can, in turn, activate an inner trigger/Alter.

She was careful to several times inquire about our inner world: where is our stress level from 1 to 10. She uses this to gauge our window of tolerance.

We began the session at a 7.

Got it down to 4 by the end of the session.

Our new Shadow alter seems to have been helped somewhat.

We did have difficulty focusing and totally lost our train of thought several times. We were getting a lot of input from the inside.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby MakersDozn » Sat Jul 04, 2020 9:22 pm

Congratulations, littleDaria. It was very brave of Shadow to work with the T. And we're glad that the session helped.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Sat Jul 04, 2020 11:02 pm

Simply writing about Shadow iss causing our body to go cold.

And where is Simon?

Could Shadow BE Simon?

Somehow transformed, somehow now having a specific reason for his rage? The thing is though; Shadow appeared pior to Simon's disappearance.

Is it possible they've somehow merged, joined?
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Sun Jul 05, 2020 3:23 am

During our most recent therapy session we disclosed to our therapist that, while we were being abused by our neighbor, part of us wanted to be good at what we were made to do, which is an absolutely horrible thing to admit. It produces a nauseating visceral skin crawling disgust.

She told us that it is common for survivors to have wanted to please their abusers, it's an attachment issue.

We think it goes like this. A child is not getting the emotional connection that they, on a primal level, need. Our therapist explained that this need for attachment is hard wired into the brain, the child cannot survive without it.

They will then seek it elsewhere, which is where sexual predators come into play.

We suffered at the hands of our neighbor for eight years, then an older abuser, for two years. At home we suffered emotional and physical abuse.

So, we never had the opportunity to form a healthy attachment to someone.

We spent the first year of our life in hospital so there wasn't any chance of forming any attachment during that time.

Our birth mother, according to our birth sister, sexually abused all her children from infancy, which is a horrifying concept we can't quite wrap our head around. We have only fragmented memories of our early childhood, none of them pleasant.

So, attachment wasn't in the cards for us, Certainly not any kind of healthy attachment.

This probably reads as somewhat clinical but it's the only way we can get the words out.

We know our littles crave attachment, and approval. Hell, we all do, well most of us.

We also fear it, fear being hurt

We also are pretty sure our understanding of attachment is skewed from our experience.

Can we have a healthy attachment with anyone? We have recently discovered that we had been perceiving our friend as our caregiver at times.

This was shocking, but in retrospect explains a lot.

It scares us honestly.

Are we being revictimized? Our friend tends towards unexpected bursts of anger, which paralyze us. She has exploded towards us several times, with enormously disproportionate anger to the situation at hand (she once yelled at us for ten minutes because we didn't put something in the recycling bin) sets off a trauma response in us immediately.

We aren't capable of approaching her about it. She is our only social contact.

The more we think about it the more we feel we've been placing ourselves in a submissive place in our friendship.

We find it difficult to say no to her.

We are concerned; as if we didn't have enough to deal with already, now this?!
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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