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Journey Thread - littledaria

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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Wed Jul 08, 2020 12:33 pm

"Is it possible that your trauma before adoption was what caused the DID? And then after that other things got to you more?"

Our therapist believes our dissociation began prior to our adoption.

It's our understanding that we were unable to even begin to form a healthy attachment, or an attachment of any kind really.

"going from something terrible to something which could be perhaps less terrible would mean anything would set off past events from before adopted?"

Our therapist tells us that when we are triggered it can trigger other triggers, a sort of cumulative effect.

"Also empty and cold was how I felt afternoon going I talked to my sister. And I felt like I was suddenly on a lower vibrational level. I realised she had triggered it and that it was how I used to feel before I broke contact"

Feeling empty, or hollow as we call it, and cold is, for us, a trauma response.
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Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Wed Jul 08, 2020 8:48 pm

Sometime this morning, Snow texted our mother and, almost in passing, mentioned the sexual abuse we suffered at the hands of our next door neighbor.

This has, until now, been a deeply held secret. When we discovered the text we became livid, shocked, betrayed.

It has been six hours with no response, which we are dreading.

Clearly, we have been triggered for we feel the usual cold and hollowness.

Suicidal thoughts have come to the surface as have thoughts of self harm.

After some inner work, we managed to discover it was Mona, Snow's counterpart, who prompted the disclosure.

It seems her intention was, "to hurt mom."

The sentiment was, "Your child got hurt and you did nothing about it.", very bitter.

Now, this is downright odd, for both girls normally direct their pain inwards, never outwards, Snow, in fact, will react to anything approaching having to feel her pain, her trauma, with suicidal ideation. Mona acts as her cheerleader.

So, we have reversed roles, and expression of anger, perhaps even rage.

We also are faced with a missing Simon, usually our rage-holding middle.

Clearly our closely held anger is being expressed somehow. Can it be Simon?

It doesn't feel like him. It feels like Snow has absorbed his anger. The anger also is coming from HER.

It's more bitter and resentful. Simon's anger is a blind rage.

It wants action. Snow normally doesn't act, she reacts, with what we thought were, until today, near autonomic responses.

We are feeling a lot of emotion; bitterness, guilt, shame, but mostly fear.

Someone suggested they may have merged. We've read of this but reading about it doesn't prepare you for how it feels, what it does to you if that is, in fact, what has happened.

Simon was our rock of Gibraltar, the primary outlet for the system's rage. His absence is distressing.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Jul 08, 2020 9:46 pm

You certainly have a lot going on right now. It's great that you're capturing it in writing so you can review it later.

I have to say, though, that I really disagree with your Ts ideas about parts/alters. They are definitely not all trapped in the past. We have a number of young ones who are fully aware of the present, living in it, and often fronting to take care of daily tasks. Some are trauma-holders and some are not. They can get triggered, like anyone else, and feel like something in the past is happening now, but that doesn't mean they're trapped in the past.

We also strongly disagree with her conceptualization of the age of various parts. Of course your body isn't 5 years old, but a part who is 5 doesn't only feel 5, they ARE often cognitively and/or emotionally 5 years old, and sometimes that age in terms of motor coordination.

We would find it extremely invalidating to have someone say one of our young alters wasn't the age they are and only "felt" that way. It's just not true. When you're not talking about the physical body, then age is just a way of referring to development. And of course emotional and cognitive development doesn't have to match up with chronological age. If that part isn't 5, then how old are they?? Are they automatically the body's age? We don't have a part who identifies with the body's age.

Our T would never say something like that. When he found out that Nadia was only 8 or 9 but had had to do a lot of driving and had a big part in raising the outside kids, he said, "That's amazing!" and was very proud of her. We sometimes have to tell him to not use such big words, because the littles can't follow or process what he's saying when he talks to them, and then he'll explain things in a way they can understand.

Anyway--don't want to hijack your journey thread, but those things really bothered us, and you said that your littles were very upset when she said that the 5 year old only "felt" 5.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jul 08, 2020 10:26 pm

littleDaria wrote:"Is it possible that your trauma before adoption was what caused the DID? And then after that other things got to you more?"

Our therapist believes our dissociation began prior to our adoption.

It's our understanding that we were unable to even begin to form a healthy attachment, or an attachment of any kind really.

"going from something terrible to something which could be perhaps less terrible would mean anything would set off past events from before adopted?"

Our therapist tells us that when we are triggered it can trigger other triggers, a sort of cumulative effect.

"Also empty and cold was how I felt afternoon going I talked to my sister. And I felt like I was suddenly on a lower vibrational level. I realised she had triggered it and that it was how I used to feel before I broke contact"

Feeling empty, or hollow as we call it, and cold is, for us, a trauma response.


It was trauma talking to her. She said she's in narcissism therapy. She said her baby might die but when I asked other people they said the baby is ok. She called us names and forced us to apologize but then didn't like how we apologized. It was all trauma. So I think you're right, the empty is trauma feeling.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jul 08, 2020 10:43 pm

Imo as a mother whose eldest was sa by my cousin the feeling of "it's my fault for not protecting my child" is the natural reaction of the mother. I felt it for four years. I called the police, he went to play therapy. I had therapy, I talked to health visitors, friends but nothing lifted that feeling till one suicidal night I got on my knees and prayed that Jesus take the guilt - I'm not a fully Jesus believer but I felt it lift. It still creeps up on me occasionally, like now talking about it but not the deep terrible feeling it was 14 years ago. Logically I know it's my fault because if I had full memory myself of childhood then I would of protected him. But logically I know it's not my fault I don't have full memory because of what happened to me. But whatever way you cut it I'd give my right arm for my son to not have gone through that.

So... How possible is it that because your mother ignored you that a part of you is taking that feeling and guilt on and it's interpreted by other parts as "you want to make mother feel bad'?

If my child at any age text to disclose abuse I'd phone them immediately. Then I'd go to wherever they are and talk about supporting them however they needed. To ignore them is unthinkable to me so that "it's mother's fault" to me is what I naturally feel and would feel as a mother. My mother was abusive as well as my father so I probably have the DID to thank really that I react how I do, that and alot of counseling, therapy and classes.

My main point is imo your mother is reacting less than good enough as a mother by ignoring your disclosure.

Karen
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Wed Jul 08, 2020 11:02 pm

Sarandipity wrote:So... How possible is it that because your mother ignored you that a part of you is taking that feeling and guilt on and it's interpreted by other parts as "you want to make mother feel bad'?

If my child at any age text to disclose abuse I'd phone them immediately. Then I'd go to wherever they are and talk about supporting them however they needed. To ignore them is unthinkable to me so that "it's mother's fault" to me is what I naturally feel and would feel as a mother. My mother was abusive as well as my father so I probably have the DID to thank really that I react how I do, that and alot of counseling, therapy and classes.

My main point is imo your mother is reacting less than good enough as a mother by ignoring your disclosure.

Karen


Yes, in a nutshell. We are dealing with a newly possibly melded alters. They (?) Are bitter and resentful.

It hadn't occurred to us that she should react in a caring way. Probably because of our experience.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 09, 2020 1:11 am

As time passes our dread increases. What will she say? Will she even mention it? Will she reply at all?

Snow is pissed off, resentful. She wants to act.

We feel jittery, restless, anxious.

Only music soothes us.

We oddly remember when my mom and us were in the mall and we slipped into littlespace and she somehow knew?!

She asked us if we wanted to ride the train.

How did she know we'd switched?

We cried as we recall

- - - - -

"It is so hard to hug you with a text but it seems the best I can do. You have been through so much. I'm so thankful you have your therapist to help you. One day we will have coffee again ... talk again."

This is the text we just received from our mother. It feels like genuine concern?

Emotionally we feel like a child lost in a mall, cold and hollow. Why?
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:30 am

littleDaria wrote:
Sarandipity wrote:So... How possible is it that because your mother ignored you that a part of you is taking that feeling and guilt on and it's interpreted by other parts as "you want to make mother feel bad'?

If my child at any age text to disclose abuse I'd phone them immediately. Then I'd go to wherever they are and talk about supporting them however they needed. To ignore them is unthinkable to me so that "it's mother's fault" to me is what I naturally feel and would feel as a mother. My mother was abusive as well as my father so I probably have the DID to thank really that I react how I do, that and alot of counseling, therapy and classes.

My main point is imo your mother is reacting less than good enough as a mother by ignoring your disclosure.

Karen


Yes, in a nutshell. We are dealing with a newly possibly melded alters. They (?) Are bitter and resentful.

It hadn't occurred to us that she should react in a caring way. Probably because of our experience.


It's normal for her to react how she's reacting. You grew up with it so it's normal to you too. Exactly the same with my parents. Only last July I started to realise how abnormal they are because my partner was getting really angry. Now I logically know how they are is odd and when I then think 'woulf I do that to my child' I can get fully InTouch with the anger of it.

But I don't feel bitter because of what I said to you earlier in this thread...they have to live in their twisted world terrified of exposure. I live my life as well as I can. But it took years to manage and sometimes I still collapse with it all especially because it's on going. Like now with you, I feel like whatever the adopted mother contributed is ongoing because her basic care over you wasn't there when you disclosed.

On the other hand at least you felt you could tell her. I wouldn't tell my mother anything because when my son disclosed about SA by my cousin over 14 years ago she let me down by going and telling him I reported him to the police when the police said don't and he was then prepared for the police so I don't trust her at all with anything.

-- Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:38 am --

littleDaria wrote:As time passes our dread increases. What will she say? Will she even mention it? Will she reply at all?

Snow is pissed off, resentful. She wants to act.

We feel jittery, restless, anxious.

Only music soothes us.

We oddly remember when my mom and us were in the mall and we slipped into littlespace and she somehow knew?!

She asked us if we wanted to ride the train.

How did she know we'd switched?

We cried as we recall

- - - - -

"It is so hard to hug you with a text but it seems the best I can do. You have been through so much. I'm so thankful you have your therapist to help you. One day we will have coffee again ... talk again."

This is the text we just received from our mother. It feels like genuine concern?

Emotionally we feel like a child lost in a mall, cold and hollow. Why?


To speak plainly you feel hollow because she brushed you off.

What she can't even pick up the phone and talk to you? I feel angry.

My mother did similar when I was about 20. I was having flashbacks of an assault by a guy I thought was my friend. She told me to learn to cope on my own and don't bother her with it again.

If a 4 line text is the best she can do I don't think she's worth it.

As a kid I used to long to be adopted or in an orphanage.

I'd weigh up how much negative impact and how much positive impact she has. Is she worth your time?

I decided in 2014 my mother is not worth my time. It took till last year to actually break contact.

I'm not saying do that, I'm saying weigh it up.

Sarah
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 09, 2020 2:14 pm

Our attention span is non-existent. We'll have a thought and 3 seconds later it flutters out the window. We'll blank out mid-sentence while we're speaking or writing.

We light a cigarette or begin a mug of coffee and they disappear, leaving an empty mug and ash and we don't notice its happened.

If we don't focus while on the bus we'll miss our stop.

During conversations we're present for perhaps 50% of the time. The rest of the time we drift, or fuzz, or flashback.

Now, other than our friend, we don't think people notice us switching due to our decades long experience maintaining a public facade.

Its only when we notice a change in our emotional makeup, our attitude and demeanor that we realize we have switched.

Often we drift into littlespace, leaving ourselves vulnerable in the moment.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: Journey Thread - littledaria

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 09, 2020 4:13 pm

Our relationship with our mother is complex, to say the least. We can feel powerful resentment towards her. On the other hand, part of us still desires her approval. Its contradictory.

She is, or was (she's not the monster she was in our childhood but still...), very manipulative, forever gaslighting us.

One thing we sadly realized is she made all the important decisions in our life for us.

She has a strict moral code, and anything that strays from that is to be stamped out.

She feels she, "knows best."

The abuse took place mostly in early childhood till our early teens, most often centred in our bedroom. We had great memory issues at the time. This caused no end of trouble. We would, often, be accused of saying/doing things we had not the slightest memory of.

In retrospect, it is clear to us that we experienced a LOT of dissociation in our childhood.

One thing that could happen, in times of stress, is that our feelings would sort of melt away, leaving us emotionless and dispassionate.

This was clearly a defensive action.

Unfortunately, this emotionless state would only serve to further enrage our mother during one of her tantrums. We think it was our lack of reaction that set her off. She needed us to suffer.

We can recall her resorting to violence and the slapping and hitting not hurting in the least. A very odd sensation.

It was as though we were watching it happen to someone else.

Our mother seemed to relish our fear, our pain. The more we cried the more outraged she'd become.

From an early age we came to understand that her rages followed a specific pattern, every time. She'd begin her rant, and work her way to a point where she would lose control and become dangerous.

We came to adapt, we feel, to this progression, by becoming more submissive as needed but it didn't help us.

Because of this understanding it wasn't long before we came to be enraged by the hypocrisy of it all. This altered our view of our mother. Parts became bitter, angry, and resentful.

Unfortunately, any expression of strong emotion was immediately punished, so there was no outlet for our pain. So, we began to self-harm by cutting ourselves to feel the pain.

We can recall the sense of relief when we'd cut.

We think we were around 14 or 15 when our mother found out we were cutting. We'd taken to wearing long sleeved shirts to hide the scars, and one day she grabbed our forearm and we cried out in pain. She'd grabbed the arm we'd been cutting. She rolled up our sleeve and saw the scars.

She then exploded, screaming that we had to live in this world like everyone else.

She ranted for a while and then left.

The reaction we felt was that our depression angered and disgusted her, causing us to retreat further into ourselves.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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