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General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

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General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby littleDaria » Sun Jun 28, 2020 11:38 pm

We have been struggling recently, following some weeks respite from a four month depression. We feel like we're sliding again. Being under Covid-19 restrictions has only made things worse. A local mental health drop in centre has been closed for months, a place we relied upon for the vast majority of our socialization, so we're pretty much alone 90% of the time.

Being left alone has only lead to our having far too time to "live inside ourselves", a precarious situation for us. We've increasingly been coping with flashbacks, a matter not helped in the least by a recent surprise (read near panic attack) encounter with our primary abuser on a city bus.

We've been without therapeutic support since March but fortunately we'll be restarting therapy next week. This has brought up a situation. Since we heard our therapy sessions were to restart we have been experiencing episodes of intense physical cold combined with a sense of overall system dread.

We have felt the broadcasted intense raw emotions of our primary trauma holder, a pre-verbal girl who can only communicate an overwhelming sense of fear and of being trapped, physically held in place by some implacable force that feels like a huge hand pressing down on her back. We visualize her as being trapped down a well sort of thing or perhaps a shaft, looking upwards in fear. In therapy we can sometimes contact her but it never lasts as she will immediately retreat into her tiny world afterwards.

To be honest we have begun to have feelings of intense hopelessness, silently encouraged by one of our persecutors, a sullen teen who blames herself for the abuse, a insidious belief that can infect others and spread.

Along with this comes the inevitable self-loathing, and general questioning of our purpose in life, not a good thing to brood upon, though we can't seem to help it.

The overall dread is a mystery to us. One would think we'd welcome a return to therapy after such a long break but instead we are deeply troubled.

One recurring thing that comes up frequently is our fear of the "flood gates" opening and totally overwhelming us. It's what behind the floodgates we fear, a vast morass of profoundly negative emotions and thoughts including that which we fear the most, the unknowns about our abuse history.

We have had memories of abuse come to the surface, crippling us, on many occasions. We also experience recurring flashbacks, like a video on eternal repeat, which is exhausting.

As to the dread, we feel someone is being triggered which then triggers others. We have no clue what the trigger is but its happening with more frequency, everytime the thought of therapy arises in our mind.

Thank you for listening. We hope we made sense.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Re: General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby littleDaria » Mon Jun 29, 2020 12:52 am

Our biggest concern right now is our overall sense of dread. It seems to be cumulative, a sort of general physical coldness which permeates our body and sends ourselves to unwanted places.

We can almost hear a clamor from within, a general growing unease. Our littles cry but don't know quite why.

We want to run. Hide. Hurt ourselves to feel something.

We want to feel safe
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
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Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:34 am
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Re: General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Jun 29, 2020 2:12 am

Hi littleDaria,

It's nice to see you posting again. It's been a long time. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

You said the coldness and the dread have something to do with starting therapy again. Would it help to make a list of all the reasons you're hearing inside (or maybe reasons you can guess about) about why people are feeling so scared of therapy?

Also, you can tell your T about this and have them reassure you that they can help you go slowly, so you don't have to be overwhelmed. It doesn't seem like a good time to be doing any trauma work. Maybe you and your T can focus on helping you feel more stable, and addressing the fear of the littles.

And have you ever tried to rescue the girl who is down the well or shaft? Or at least try to help her be more comfortable there?
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Re: General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby littleDaria » Mon Jun 29, 2020 2:35 am

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hi littleDaria,

It's nice to see you posting again. It's been a long time. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

You said the coldness and the dread have something to do with starting therapy again. Would it help to make a list of all the reasons you're hearing inside (or maybe reasons you can guess about) about why people are feeling so scared of therapy?

Also, you can tell your T about this and have them reassure you that they can help you go slowly, so you don't have to be overwhelmed. It doesn't seem like a good time to be doing any trauma work. Maybe you and your T can focus on helping you feel more stable, and addressing the fear of the littles.

And have you ever tried to rescue the girl who is down the well or shaft? Or at least try to help her be more comfortable there?


1. Dread. We seem to have identified our suicidal alter Naomi as the primary source, well her and our tortured trauma holding little. Naomi comes out to protect us from memory intrusions and the like, but her solution to everything is oblivion. Fortunately we've developed how to not act, for the most part, on her urges to self-harm, mostly by directing the rage and self-loathing elsewhere, even if it's just digging our fingernails into our palms.

Knowing who is responsible leaves us nowhere closer to discovering a reason for our dread. We seem to be in flight/freeze mode, our sort of default setting during times of stress. It's as though something is deliberately blocking our view of that which scares us.

2. We intend to tell our therapist immediately about our dread and explore it. We do likely need stabilization.

3. The little down the well has been contacted in session on several occasions but she always retreats from us right after. Its horribly exhausting work, to experience that primal emotion. We have a teddy bear, Duffy, who we take to therapy with us, and we have created a virtual Duffy for our inside safe space. We have managed to hold her, briefly, during one session.

She is very much trapped in her time of trauma, according to our therapist.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 748
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:19 am
Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Jun 29, 2020 3:59 pm

Hey, littleDaria, welcome back! Really great to see you again.

We're not sure if we have anything helpful to offer, but the feelings that you posted about really resonate with us. And we appreciate your awareness of what you need right now.

We hope that your return to therapy goes well.

MDs
Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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MakersDozn
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Re: General rambling about our current situation, hope it makes

Postby littleDaria » Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:31 pm

Today we woke, earlier than normal for us, and before our morning coffee we found ourselves in a cold state again. We managed to escape for a while by going shopping with a friend but as soon as we got home it returned.

We've been reading a book, Coping with trauma related dissociation, which our therapist lent us. It has helpful exercises in it. It too helps to keep the dread at bay.
One thing that has somehow surfaced is that at least part of our dread is a generalized profound fear of him . This is new and distressing.
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
littleDaria
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 748
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:19 am
Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


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