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It's horrible how my mindset changes from one thing to anoth

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It's horrible how my mindset changes from one thing to anoth

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Jun 26, 2020 6:05 am

another.

One day I'm set on something. The next day I'm arguing with myself over it.

Even the assessment which I planned for ages, I dunno how long.

It's everything though. So I'll want to do one thing then do another. Or decide anything but deliberate till I do it. It's like a torture. A mental torture.

In some ways it feels worse at the moment because I don't know where its coming from. It's difficult with these meds to know. I constantly feel like Batcho is with me but then sometimes I have foot pain from nowhere so I know it's no-one. When it's no-one she avoids. She's an avoider so I think that maybe it's her who is avoiding the therapy or arguing against it.

Internal dialogue is practically zero so it's hard to talk about anything. It comes in feeling instead and procrastinating. I think no-one needs time to get used to the therapy idea.

Writing has gone out the window because Batcho wants to watch the new Vlad the impaler film, he's a character in our book for Chapter 4 and is in a couple of other chapters. We already researched him but since Batcho saw that film advertised writing has gone deadlocked. Can't do anything without the twins go ahead. They just kill it.

The other day Batcho disagreed with the Buddhas second secret of life or whatever its called... Samsara is craving. Batcho said it isn't... Craving is to be lived with not to be eliminated, to eliminate craving is to eliminate an innate human trait and causes inability to love in its fullest sense.

Then I couldn't watch the end of the documentary because a guy interviewed then kept saying stuff that the Buddha according to Batcho never said and he got angry and walked out the room so obviously I walked out the room too. Switching out is too difficult on these meds. It's detective work to find out who is upset or holding back the therapy but I think it's No-one.

I live with at least 3 different opinions or desires all the time but because switching is so hard and inner dialogue impossible except Shane has found a way to communicate, sorting out how to do anything with everyone agreeing is hard. I have to consciously ask them, find them internally and then see what they're saying. Normally if they have something to express they can easily but right now it's a process and I don't like it. Sarah
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: It's horrible how my mindset changes from one thing to anoth

Postby SeveralCrows » Sat Jun 27, 2020 1:03 pm

We relate to this a lot. This sounds exactly like how it was when we started realizing for the most recent time that we're multiple, a few years ago now. We got caught in these behavioral-attempt loops, not able to actually execute on anything. In some cases, it was that one part would suppress another's needs and so a lot of us were not having our needs met and had to assert behaviors by taking over or pushing passive influence. One of us would make a solid decision to do something and start at it, and then be pushed back into the headspace while someone else chose a different action. Sometimes related and opposite, sometimes totally unrelated. It was disorienting and none of us ever got to do what we wanted or needed.

Are you able to write in a journal, or is all writing blocked? For us, talking out loud was the most successful way to communicate for a long time, because we didn't have internal communication, just washes of feeling like you describe, and writing in a journal was less reliable. We did both, but speaking out loud helped the most.

It makes sense that it will take awhile for some to get used to the idea of therapy. It's hard to know until you try it whether or not it will help, and it can be hard to agree to do something when you're not sure the outcome. It's okay to not know. For us, we have a really hard time with uncertainties like that, and usually it's the case that we can try something and then decide not to go again if it was bad, or to take time to process after so that everyone's opinions about whether it was good or bad and why and what's avoidance and what's reaction to harm. With therapy, you get to keep making a choice about going, it doesn't have to be permanent. For us, we decided to stop with the first T because she became harmful over time, and with our new T we keep going because therapy with her really stabilized us. So much depends on the relationship with the T though, and we understand that it's a different setup in the UK so options are limited differently from here in the US.

Some Crows, who are rooting for all of you. We hope you are able to communicate amongst yourselves soon.
33F Human Body - Dx'd System of 22+ parts.
System currently being reconfigured. Please stand by.
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Re: It's horrible how my mindset changes from one thing to anoth

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Jun 29, 2020 10:55 am

I haven't tried a journal for years because it was arguments but I'll try it. Here Maybe. I see more point typing online than off line unless it's trauma memory because that seems a bad idea to write online. Thanks Crows
Monte Carlo or Bust
Rose and Patrick
Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
User avatar
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2101
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Tue Jul 07, 2020 9:58 am
Blog: View Blog (2)


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