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Avoidance

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Avoidance

Postby fireheart » Fri May 29, 2020 9:03 am

There are things that I need to do. And I'm avoiding them, because they bring about high levels of anxiety. I get up early each morning to start them, sometimes I make a little start... and then the feelings get out of control and I' hit with headaches, belly aches, throwing up, etc. Suicidal thoughts... sheer panic.

Objectively, it really isn't that bad. I just want to GET IT DONE. I'm so annoyed with myself. It really makes me angry.

Any tips and/or support is welcome.
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Re: Avoidance

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri May 29, 2020 4:50 pm

It helps us to journal and find out the meaning of those things to whoever is having those strong feelings. Sometimes it's someone very young who is anxious for a reason that just isn't true in the present and we can reassure them that whatever they're worried about just isn't going to happen.

Clearly, trying to muscle through and just GET IT DONE isn't working, so you can just continue to be annoyed and angry that it isn't working, or find a different approach.

birdsong's blog article about using survival behavior of different parts really helped us break down a tricky situation recently and find the initial trigger, and that helped us understand the sequence of what happened so that it wasn't just a tangled mess of pain and upset:

https://www.dis-sos.com/working-with-ca ... -dynamics/

I actually wrote down the different categories of survival behavior and then the feeling related to the specific situation that stemmed from that survival behavior. (In case it's helpful, we figured out that the initial trigger was that as our T session started, his cat was there, and he was petting it and talking to it. That triggered big feelings from attachment-seeking parts of how much they want that, followed immediately by fight feelings of hating the cat and being angry at the T, and then flight from all those intense feelings by withdrawing from feeling connected, and feelings of submission that we had to just answer whatever questions he asked because maybe that would help us feel connected again, and then later being angry about that, and then feeling all the pain of not getting attachment needs ever met in our life led to numbing, including self-harm, and feeling hopeless about ever being connected because we're not capable of that, etc. But before we sorted it out, it was one big mess.)

It was an effort to do it, but worth it. Maybe that approach would help you?
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Re: Avoidance

Postby birdsong87 » Fri May 29, 2020 7:13 pm

I think we might experience something similar. But for us it shows in fatigue and depression and feeling like dying. less of a sympathetic response
something about the way we live our life is not working out for parts of the system.
it seems to be more than a situation. its more like the whole concept of discipline is not working for us anymore. I try to find ways to release the tension, but it is always back when the adults here turn back to our routine. the more we push the less we function. yesterday I ended up canceling a T session because some inside where so beside themselves and it was too far out there to even communicate with the T properly.
I try to take breaks and do something nice during these breaks. playfulness. not being so strict. It is like the over-control makes us hit the wall otherwise. more control is not the solution.
we are still figuring out what to do. our day has to change. we might have to ask for more help. and do less of the stressful things.

it sounds like you do not have the capacity for all of your work. avoidance can sometimes be the right thing to do. it sucks because there is a disruption in our life. But pushing is overwhelming.
so how can you create more capacity? the answer to that is usually more breaks for intentional regulation. with the whole system.
and smaller beach balls.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Avoidance

Postby fireheart » Sat May 30, 2020 6:36 am

Thank you, Gang and birdsong.

As obvious as it may seem that powering through is not the answer, it is one of our most developed defenses - so I guess it makes sense that my first instinct is to be like: "hmmm, so what do I need to control so that this won't happen anymore". The example of journalling is helpful, because it reminds me that there are those complex responses happening inside (pretty much all the time, I'm just not aware of it most of the time).

birdsong87 wrote:something about the way we live our life is not working out for parts of the system.
it seems to be more than a situation. its more like the whole concept of discipline is not working for us anymore. I try to find ways to release the tension, but it is always back when the adults here turn back to our routine. the more we push the less we function

This really hits home.
I just also haven't figured out how to cope with it in a different way. Maybe it is about accepting the reality that I can't do all that I want, especially not without taking breaks. It's worse now that I'm at home all the time and can't see any friends/exercise.

I think that maybe I don't have much regulational capacity outside of that yet, even though I really try. It's like the things I'm trying to juggle require high level mathematics, whereas I can only do simple equations. I'll check out the articles again.

Any other recommended reading material?
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Re: Avoidance

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 30, 2020 9:24 am

We have a couple blogs we can recommend.

"kinhost" but we cannot link because it contains commercial links but the free-access material is interesting

"discussing dissociation" same we cannot link it contains commercial links but the free-access material is interesting

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving

https://www.dis-sos.com/

https://did-research.org/

Hope this helps!

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Avoidance

Postby birdsong87 » Sat May 30, 2020 9:33 am

I am currently reading 'The Mind-Body-Reset by Rebekkah LaDyne
it is about learning how to regulate and gently improve stress resilience.
chatty tone, like your best friend is explaining stuff, but all the important science as foundation.
the exercises are small. for people who can only so sums. the achiever brain will think they are too simple and not hard enough cause stuff has to be hard to work, right?
it covers a lot of the stuff that our body work T is trying to teach us about regulation. and not stressing ourselves out. and not pushing. it also works with many small breaks instead of huge activities.
I think quite highly of this simple book.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Avoidance

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat May 30, 2020 2:24 pm

This looks great. I just ordered it--thanks for the recommendation.
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Re: Avoidance

Postby fireheart » Sun May 31, 2020 6:34 am

Same. It looks helpful - thank you for sharing.

I think that I'm also realizing that the new rules I made up for myself a while back are "increasing pressure" - they're also focused on control, when maybe there are other options out there.
Maybe control isn't the end-all-be-all. :|
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Re: Avoidance

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jun 05, 2020 8:19 pm

birdsong87 wrote:I am currently reading 'The Mind-Body-Reset by Rebekkah LaDyne


I just want to say that I LOVE this book. I've only read a short way into it--just up to the second exercise that she gives, but I agree that it's solidly researched and yet so accessible and friendly. Each of the exercises I've seen only have three things you have to remember, and even though they're not new ideas, the way she presents them is so gentle.

For example, I've known for a long time that when you're mediating, the first thing to do is to become aware of where your body is touching whatever you're sitting on, and feeling your feet on the floor, etc, but the way she invites you to let those surfaces do more of the work of supporting you is somehow so much easier to do.

Instead of us having to do the work of thinking about the chair supporting our back, because doing that is a required task that's part of meditating, we can just relax and let the chair do the work--we have LESS to do instead of more. Ridiculously, that idea is making us cry right now because it's such a relief to think of it that way. The littles are so happy that the chair will help us.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about it, but thank you so much for recommending it, birdsong, I've already recommended it to two other people, including my T.
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Re: Avoidance

Postby fireheart » Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:42 am

(Short update in hopes to remember this:
I WAS able to do the thing when I paid more attention to noticing anything that might make it a little easier to do. That's how I observed that it was easier to do when at the park. So, that's what I ended up doing and it turmed out that it didn't have to feel like dying to do the thing.

I think this is the way to go.)
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