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Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

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Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Tue May 26, 2020 10:37 pm

I don't know why I do this but sometimes I will go researching things that I know will trigger me just because I WANT to contact someone lost on the inside.


Sidebar: [[ I know the secrets I have the log but I don't tell the host because she couldn't handle it yet... So instead I guide her to the right research topics but she gets frustrated because I don't confirm her suspicions because it isn't my place.]]

And certain times of the year I will have dates where I can't go to sleep until I know it is 'safe' and that usually occurs after 4AM and 3AM is gone.

This just happened again and the great news is I made contact with who I wanted to......but she told me "They Killed Me!" And I kept trying to tell her she can be alive that they tricked us a lot.... that even some of the teens were tricked into thinking they were dead. She believes she is a ghost.... I told her she could stay with me and I'll protect her...I moved furniture in front of the door so she could get to sleep....but now there is this deep low sadness that I can't shake and (is it ever?) Not a convenient time to be dealing with another bout of depression. She just keeps singing a really sad song and all she wanted was a Mommy Daddy who loved her. And a dog.

I feel like I just got custody of a 5 year old girl who has been through multiple extreme traumas and abuses and I want to keep her around but I also really need to function at the moment.

Any thoughts?

Just a vent.....but it feels like with DID anytime I make a ton of progress and find some footing and feel like I'm not depressed and processing all of my trauma.....a new one comes forward that I kind of have to start all over with. I feel like it'll be impossible to ever make friends if I can't be stable. And then some parts don't even want friends and I'm okay with that just wondering if its okay to not be lonely....I feel I have enough company as it is!
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Tue May 26, 2020 10:48 pm

And birthdays are SO triggering for me. Even someone else's birthday. Just having a hard day.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby Nondescript » Wed May 27, 2020 3:58 am

My heart goes out to you and her. Also, congrats on both of your courage.

We have alters that believe such things. I think an expression of what they experienced, in our case. On the other hand, they are usually people who have given up on being safe or cared for. I suppose I should strive to help them feel cared for. I'm not the most nurturing type, myself. Most days its a struggle to do the minimum in life in general, never mind caring for distressed inners. Nevertheless, this seems to be the name of the game with DID. Sacrifice is called for.

As for continuing to function while you've got a lugubrious five year old on your hands, perhaps promise her time and space a bit later, and follow through. If she's just been found, she may need some time. Can you function as if you had the flu--calling off other commitments--for just a little while, even a few hours? Or explain to her that you need to work in order to take care of her, but later she can come out and do a desired activity. If you have an inner world, make sure she has a pleasant area to rest and play. Ask her what she needs, and try to give it to her.

I have to say that sometimes I find DID drama to be almost a distraction from outer life, almost like a very absorbing and sometimes painful hobby. However, one of my others claims this is a distorted view and that it sometimes becomes all-absorbing if we've neglected our own upkeep and care for a while. Whatever the case, I think it's easy to get fixated on the drama of it at times. If you are "new" and in the self-discovery phase, I would say... try to treasure it if you can. It is a unique manifestation of human experience.

Personally, I love my own company and see nothing wrongo with it. But I'm human and have to maintain social balance. Especially during a certain phase of life (teens and 20s), spending time with others seems an important developmental task. As I've recovered and aged, I've become both more desiring of social contact and less stressed by it. In the early years, it was so painful to interact with other humans that it sometimes didn't seem worth it. I know now how to choose my contacts and have some wonderful friends. Being around others gives me ideas, positive feedback and support, and just reminds me that we're all in this life together, even if I am personally a bit odd.

Note: DID and autism co-occur more often than one might think. This can make socializing even more difficult. If you think this might be an issue, conscious learning and practicing of social skills and social self-regulation may help.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby KitMcDaydream » Wed May 27, 2020 8:30 am

I have Autism and DID. I feel like ours started due to others expectations that we 'fit in with normal' and copy other kids to know what to do. As a lot of what we did (mannerism etc in early childhood) got mocked and we got bullied for being different. Alternate persona's got created somehow who satisfied the other humans needs to 'cure us'. The original self then only came out in private with no-one else about.

For our teens and twenties we had just one alter to take care of stuff like going to college/work. through to our forties when we learnt of DID.

Looking back we did quite well with friends considering we had autism too but unfortunately never kept in touch as it was our style to move on so a new self could evolve to give the old self a break from the expectation of who they should be after several years on the same course or at the same workplace. This was much easier in the days before social media and we wish we'd never joined it now.

Now the body is in its 50's it is grumpy and anti social with no energy to do anything or cope with people. The lockdown has been welcomed as an excuse to get out of social commitments, we find ourselves hoping for a second wave as long as it doesn't directly impact our usual xmas routine. (the birthday routine has already had to change due to lockdown).

We enjoy our own company, everyone in 'the system' knows they are part of one. Some feel they have no friends, one felt she had a good one but they had gone back inside and one that was not interested in the relationship (but has been upfront mostly the last few years) has not maintained contact.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed May 27, 2020 9:37 am

In here, quite a lot of us have the "backstory" of being dead and that being part of the system is the Afterlife. We make do with it.

Take a good care of your little one. She is traumatized, after all. She needs comfort and safety. "They killed me" might be for example, a way to express the intensity with wich she lived through something that was terrible for her. It might be something else. It might be a "backstory" to explain why she feels she is a ghost now. It might be a lot of things. What is important is that right now she needs comfort and safety. The rest will unravel with time, as she feels better.

Nondescript wrote:I have to say that sometimes I find DID drama to be almost a distraction from outer life, almost like a very absorbing and sometimes painful hobby. However, one of my others claims this is a distorted view and that it sometimes becomes all-absorbing if we've neglected our own upkeep and care for a while. Whatever the case, I think it's easy to get fixated on the drama of it at times. If you are "new" and in the self-discovery phase, I would say... try to treasure it if you can. It is a unique manifestation of human experience.


Here, we tend to see the "DID drama" as a symbolized version of mental health care. Taking care of it is therefore, in our opinion, the same thing as "self-care". Though it should not be done so much that the physical self-care is forgotten.

"Innerworld work" can improve the well-being of the different system members. For example, it can improve the feeling of safety, and give comfort to the little ones. Even if, in our opinion, it is interesting and important to do it, once again, it must never be seen as so important that we forget to take care of the outside physical world.

Nondescript wrote:Note: DID and autism co-occur more often than one might think.


In our opinion, it is because being autistic means being more stress-sensitive and more prone to being bullied, two factors that increase the likelyhood of developping DID.

complicated87 wrote:And birthdays are SO triggering for me. Even someone else's birthday. Just having a hard day.


We encourage you to practice a lot of self-care on these days, as well as any days that you notice are reoccuringly triggering. Also, seeking medical help in order to heal from the traumas and deal with the triggers, might be a good idea, if it is possible for you.

Good luck.

-David-
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby Una+ » Wed May 27, 2020 3:29 pm

Dead and a ghost is a good way of understanding the situation she finds herself in: existing as an incorporeal entity in your head.

Parts of me can identify with her because we found ourselves in the same situation. Coming to terms with it took years of grieving the loss of a full "normal" life or the fantasy of a particular life. The life we have is full and relatively normal, it just wasn't the life we thought we were "supposed" to have. Or was it?

Pretty much everyone has that problem, don't they?

Almost everyone who has a dissociative disorder finds, in the recovery process, that they relied on dissociation so much that other coping skills are lacking. We generally need help learning how to contain stuff, how to set it aside for now while we focus on immediate needs.

One way of achieving that necessary calm and clarity is to simply ask inside for insiders to step back from the front for the time being.

In return, it helps to also set aside a designated time for collective engagement. Many of us find that is easiest to do at bedtime, when intrapsychic barriers are lowest, if the material is not so stressful that it interferes with sleep. Another good time is while gardening, if you have a garden or can go somewhere you can garden. Even pulling weeds is helpful. Do something physical you can do safely while communing inside. The therapeutic goal is to experience being in the body in a safe, peaceful situation.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Thu May 28, 2020 8:27 pm

I'm not ignoring anyone.

I've actually read the responses several times trying to digest all of this.

I'm still having a rough time and it seems related but stumbling upon the ghost-girl has caused all sorts of chaos inside. Boy insiders and girl insiders fighting over clothes.

I've been online shopping just to get the energy out but not one item of clothing can be agreed upon.

I have discovered through all of this clothing items have always been a thing for the insiders before I knew what was going on. They would have a style so they could be out and present the way they'd like.

This was okay as a kid and a teen but as an adult I can't go wearing bucket hats and baggies and then dresses the next day. But I could. But people do notice and question it. I don't know anymore.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Thu May 28, 2020 10:51 pm

And ever since making contact with her I've had horrible stomach issues. She had horrible stomach issues and had an emergency bowel surgery I suspect had to do with abuse to her little body she couldn't handle anymore. Now I feel her around because I have a nervous tummy and I'm wondering if the abuser that came and visited right after surgery used unethical hypnosis to tell her that part was dead. She feels such dread and danger if she wakes up.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby KitMcDaydream » Fri May 29, 2020 7:01 am

complicated87 wrote:
I have discovered through all of this clothing items have always been a thing for the insiders before I knew what was going on. They would have a style so they could be out and present the way they'd like.

This was okay as a kid and a teen but as an adult I can't go wearing bucket hats and baggies and then dresses the next day. But I could. But people do notice and question it. I don't know anymore.


not sure what 'bucket hats' are, but you can wear what you want surely? Everyone usually has a 'casual style' that they wear just round their house and a smarter casual or 'dressing up style' that they wear when going out in public to work or shopping etc. It will be a while before most pubs and restaurants re-open and even some workplaces (if you work)

Can you not wear baggies around your house or when just taking a daily walk for allowed exercise and wear a dress when you have to go out to an appointment or shopping?
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri May 29, 2020 11:09 am

Regarding clothes, here we change style from time to time, including make-up and hairdo. The people we see the most often (at an association for disabled people) are always happy to see us arriving because they can rarely guess what we'll look like. They don't know we are multiple. I'm not sure they even suspect. We just say that we like to change (the hairdo, the clothes...) because it's fun.

We even get compliments on being so eccentric, sometimes.

So... you do you!

--Zami--

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(gif of a llama walking away being a fabulous llama with "haters gonna hate" written on the gif)

~Sending the gif because it's fun! ~

~Theia~
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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