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Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Fri May 29, 2020 6:05 pm

Sorry I'm not good at pulling the quotes from others responses.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions and the encouragement.

Nondescript - thank you and I took your advice and have promised lots of inner work time once everyone else has gone to bed and I have some alone time. Even if that requires just sitting and crying. But mostly it's just been processing fear of adults and their intentions....which are kind of icky feelings to work through but I can see her coming back to life little by little when I teach her that life is different now and she is invited to come back to life and I will protect her from any perverts.

Nondescript and KitMcDaydream - the autism spectrum is an interesting theory to me. I was paraded around for a 'gifted' IQ but I always felt like I was remedial in the sense that I just don't get how or why people act the way they do. I remember learning about autism and having a melt down that perhaps I was on the spectrum maybe just mildly. I wonder if it is possible for some insiders to be on the spectrum and others not? At times I can seem so high functioning and other parts have meltdowns frequently over sounds and scratchy clothes. And I'm so encouraged to know you have done well enough in life. I love realizing I have a community even if it's only speaking to you online I am lifted up by this.

David - I have read your message over and over as well. Thank you for the excellent points you've made. I'm going to start a date log of the triggering dates and work on providing lots of self care (rest and not pushing myself too hard) around those dates to avoid burning out. You said what is important now is safety and comfort and the rest will unravel with time. This is truth in my core. You're very right. So I've been reminding her over and over we are safe. Sometimes that is hard because in today's world is anyone really 'safe' from bad things happening? I am just telling her I won't make her suffer alone again if anything bad does ever happen she won't be cut off and dealing alone.

Una+ I have been reading your journey thread. I identify with your goals and your story SO much....I also have infant alters from similar things and it's difficult. I was troubled when I realized parts of me were in love with someone else as well and I beat myself up at first then realized it was other parts and I started digging into it and the dreams and that was what woke me up to therapy and DID! I'm not finished reading your entire thing but I'm hopeful to get to where you've gotten.
And yes I am so lacking in those skills so I will work on asking parts to step back in situations and then work through them at appropriate times.


Kit - thank you on the dressing points....I think that struck a deal that at home anything goes and then out and about we dress smart.

And Theia - you remind me of an insider I know. I admire your confidence and fun spirit. I'll try to remember that attitude more and not stress so much.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby Nondescript » Sat May 30, 2020 4:30 am

Re: autism spectrum
One interesting point is that early trauma can cause symptoms of dysregulation and attachment dysfunction that are similar to those of autism and ADHD. I'm too tired to go into more detail.

I'm glad you're working with the parts of you that need it. It takes guts.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 30, 2020 9:14 am

complicated87 wrote:Nondescript and KitMcDaydream - the autism spectrum is an interesting theory to me. I was paraded around for a 'gifted' IQ but I always felt like I was remedial in the sense that I just don't get how or why people act the way they do. I remember learning about autism and having a melt down that perhaps I was on the spectrum maybe just mildly. I wonder if it is possible for some insiders to be on the spectrum and others not? At times I can seem so high functioning and other parts have meltdowns frequently over sounds and scratchy clothes. And I'm so encouraged to know you have done well enough in life. I love realizing I have a community even if it's only speaking to you online I am lifted up by this.


That's exactly what being autistic is. Some days are okay, other days are tougher. Also in here, we are not all sensitive the same, we are not all on the same point of the spectrum.

Also, when people talk about the autism spectrum, they imagine a gratient from "less autistic" to "more autistic". But in reality it looks more like this:

Image

(picture of a color wheel with different words written outside: language - motor skills - perception - executive function - sensory)

Also, we are not on the same points of the spectrum all the time. It can change depending on the fatigue level, the sensory overload, the situation...

Here are a few articles about it that you might find relatable: https://www.learningdisabilitytoday.co. ... tic-people | https://autisticmama.com/the-problem-wi ... ng-labels/ | https://www.milestones.org/resources/bl ... ng-us-down | https://www.bristolautismsupport.com/fu ... rrelevant/ | https://themighty.com/2018/07/autism-fu ... nctioning/ | https://themighty.com/2018/10/autism-hi ... s-do-harm/ | https://speakingofautismcom.wordpress.c ... ng-labels/

complicated87 wrote:David - I have read your message over and over as well. Thank you for the excellent points you've made. I'm going to start a date log of the triggering dates and work on providing lots of self care (rest and not pushing myself too hard) around those dates to avoid burning out. You said what is important now is safety and comfort and the rest will unravel with time. This is truth in my core. You're very right. So I've been reminding her over and over we are safe. Sometimes that is hard because in today's world is anyone really 'safe' from bad things happening? I am just telling her I won't make her suffer alone again if anything bad does ever happen she won't be cut off and dealing alone.


He won't be answering because he's blushing too much. He's a good caretaker in here. I'm glad he's able to help people outside of our system too.

complicated87 wrote:And Theia - you remind me of an insider I know. I admire your confidence and fun spirit. I'll try to remember that attitude more and not stress so much.


She says "thank you" while flapping her arms around.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat May 30, 2020 2:28 pm

Nondescript wrote:Re: autism spectrum
One interesting point is that early trauma can cause symptoms of dysregulation and attachment dysfunction that are similar to those of autism and ADHD.


This is so important. Autism and ADHD are VERY common misdiagnoses in people with early trauma and DID/OSDD.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 30, 2020 3:22 pm

The reverse is also true. Our autism diagnosis was denied for years due to being brushed off as "merely trauma". Even though we showed autism traits before we endured any trauma - even though the earliest traumas were inflicted to us because of said autism traits.

In my humble opinion, the possibility of having trauma and being on the autism spectrum, should be considered. Even though the overlap is not systematic, of course.

-David-
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sat May 30, 2020 3:58 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:In my humble opinion, the possibility of having trauma and being on the autism spectrum, should be considered. Even though the overlap is not systematic, of course.

-David-


Of course--I didn't mean they could never co-exist. It's just that DID is so under-recognized and the symptoms are so often chalked up to other things. Autism and ADHD are so much easier go-to explanations for people who are more familiar with them.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Sun May 31, 2020 2:43 am

Wow I've got some homework to do!

And it does seem like it could be either/or with the misdiagnosis or the combination ignored. Uber come to believe we tend to know ourselves better than a therapist is able to diagnose....especially since I shift around so much from day to day.

I'm a box of chocolates......and I have a lot of those ones that make your face twist p


Rant below:
I was diagnosed ADD and ADHD at different times in my childhood and teens....

I do know my trauma and fracturing began as an infant but I was extremely talkative and intense with eye contact.....but sometimes I get so nervous trying to count the seconds I hold eye contact (I've been told I look too deeply into people's eyes but how else am I supposed to converse?) That I lose track of what they were saying. This led many people to misread me and think I am sexually attracted to them. I also lose focus watching certain points on people depending on which feature of theirs I find to be most intriguing. I want to draw them sometimes. Nothing like a good nose or lips or teeth - or a well placed wrinkle between the eyes.

I've always found the texture of my clothes to be EXTREMELY important. Cotton and linen are okay with me. Silk is soooo nice but not too practical for my life. When I shop clothing I go by feeling rather than seeing. Of course patterns are out I must have calm soothing colors. Tie dye is okay so long as it is only two colors or muted shades of one color. And any tight waistbands etc. distract me so much I almost go bonkers.

I found school so fun and yet so strange. Why can't I get up and read one of the amazing books why must I sit in my seat as I'm bored and have already completed the busy work. I'm not done learning for the day and once I go home I'll just be thinking about that book and those other toys we seldom bring out. And why when I'm bored may I not entertain the teacher or other students with conversation?

Fortunately I had many years spoiled as teachers' pets - but when the teacher did not like me I was in trouble every single day.....and they'd recommend getting me on medication.

Mother wanted me to be prescribed the ritalin but I suspected this was because she wanted to abuse the medication herself so I made some serious threats to sell the pills at school if she tried to "numb me out" as my ADD friends explained the sensation of the pills.
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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun May 31, 2020 10:02 am

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Of course--I didn't mean they could never co-exist. It's just that DID is so under-recognized and the symptoms are so often chalked up to other things. Autism and ADHD are so much easier go-to explanations for people who are more familiar with them.


Thanks for clarifying! :)

--Zami--

complicated87 wrote:And it does seem like it could be either/or with the misdiagnosis or the combination ignored. Uber come to believe we tend to know ourselves better than a therapist is able to diagnose....especially since I shift around so much from day to day.


# Well, a diagnosis sometimes helps, sometimes does not. Depends on the person/system, depends on the diagnosis. Sometimes getting the right advices is all it takes to get things right.

# About the rant: sounds like autism to me. We could have written that. Our autism specialist said she won't diagnose us with AD(H)D because, said she, 80% of autistics ALSO get AD(H)D. The two often go together so it makes sense to be diagnosed with one and still have the other too (and not be diagnosed for it).

# Also apparently, autistics have a higher likelyhood to develop DID due to sensitivity to stress and being more able to dissociate. Dunno if a headmate of mine said that already? We still need to work on some of the memory sharing aspects.

# Anyway, you might find relatable material and useful advices in blogs written by autistics. Avoid the ones written about autistics by neurotypical people, though. Not a good idea to look at that.

# Good luck on the journey!

#Uriel#
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Alter thinks she's dead - and a ghost. Thoughts?

Postby complicated87 » Tue Jun 02, 2020 6:05 am

Zami thank you for the links!

The gangs all here, David, Kit,

After discussing this with my husband who knows me better than anyone - he seems to think the autism theory is extremely possible and probable and worth further investigation. Especially after we have looked into these links. So many examples occured just today.

I feel relieved/excited/upset all at once. Upset because I wish I wouldn't have fallen thru the cracks all these years and with the links in mind it would explain a lot of the difficulties I have had and also my reactions and splitting off during traumas being so seamless and yet so diverse. And why my parents NEVER understood me or treated me like a family pet rather than a person. I was easier to lock away.

Excited and relieved because I'll work with this information and be a lot more gentle on myself for feeling like I just 'don't get the world.' - maybe I never will and that's okay! And I can now get some help with these issues.

This also helps me to connect with some of these young parts - like the ghost girl - because they just don't understand this life. This may explain why some of them can only speak from a script or say repeated phrases only with different inflections. I feel like this may be an important bit of information on reaching them - they may be in such an overload that talking to them may not be as effective as sharing in other ways - like very soft linen blankets and a perfectly low-light day lit room with some lavender- or crunching leaves on the trails under our feet far away from human and traffic noises.

Also standing up for myself when I can't stand the loud fan and the television on and the kettle steaming all at once and asking for it to stop.

This could also explain why being all alone can bring my whole being into a collective sigh of "Let's reset. We're okay now."
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