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Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

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Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Mon May 25, 2020 2:23 pm

Not asking for diagnosis, just opinions. Am 40 years of age. This may be triggering. *TRIGGER WARNING*

One day decided to trust and ask a church counseling center for help. Told them about being fractured among other things due to knowledge of inner wrongness and inner pain. Was ignored. So in anger sought spiritist which I knew would provide (in hindsight) hypnotic anesthesia. Thankfully didn't go that route but was devastated enough to leave the church permanently.

At time I knew somehow all energy was concentrated inward keeping pain at bay, I think for years out of consciousness. Then started having extreme inner pain out of nowhere, even waking up from a dead sleep like that. Still happens. Then it disappears. Happens when awake too. Getting worse slowly. Around more often. Sometimes the pain includes a powerful need to seek "safety" emotionally speaking I guess.

There's no cognition around this to manage it. It just shows up and is like being in hell I guess, in terms of the pain.

I can hypnotize myself, I think, to feel good, but didn't know what that was until recently.

Almost constantly chaos inside now but not aware of any alters. There is a mantra sometimes in my head now about having myself and wanting to die, not from outside, not alien. I don't think it's psychosis anyway.

Was listening to sad song recently and someone said they wanted to go home, like a child. Was child voice and desire to go back to family home as a child. Very sad feeling.

And I started remembering something but it's just images, knowledge, and sensation, all split apart. Like I know I was sexually abused but I feel nothing about it like it happened to someone else. I know I knew this before but the thought disappeared from my mind years back and just popped back in now. Like I puzzled over it like someone viewing an art work, it wasn't me. Then it was gone for years. Still comes and goes but more frequently now. I can't even know if it happened but I think it did.

I felt like I was going crazy for a while but I finally think I have OSDD or DID now.

I feel like I've been carrying around a ball of pain for decades and somehow keeping it far away from consciousness.

There's more, but this is enough. The inner pain out of nowhere keeps showing up more. I am seeking therapy now.

Does this sound like someone with DID having a breakdown and it finally starting to emerge? I have 3 children and I think maybe this started when the oldest reached the age of my abuse.

This is a living nightmare and very very confusing. Thoughts are appreciated. It's hard to know what's real or not. I don't understand those on YouTube showing off their DID, this is hell, and I wish I could die but I cannot and will not.

I have no amnesia or fugue or time loss that I know of but looking at past is like looking inside a globe full of pinholes. I don't remember any whole but I can peek at individual things one at a time. Rest is foggy and ghostly.

My main things are feelings from nowhere and rapidly changing and simultaneously conflicting thoughts or feelings about things. I think I might have DID and I'm very very afraid. Have to keep functional for work and kids.

Somehow at work I can be in insane inner pain and turmoil and give a cheery and thorough presentation and some banter while also wanting to die at the same time. But I always keep it together. Afraid of breakdown.

But concentration getting worse like ADD. Slowly getting worse.

I'm pretty sure I have OSDD or DID just not sure of which. I get "carried along" a lot now. Like watching myself do something with no ability to change it. Even this post maybe. I'll regret it in 5 minutes.

Thoughts or similar experiences welcome. This all started in August last year, the breakdown, after being ignored when I asked for help. Before then was stable more or less.

I cobbled this diagnosis together over that time trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Tue May 26, 2020 4:55 am

I think I can answer my own post. Yes, it does. Of course it does.

I also took the MID and the DDIS myself and damn if it's not at minimum OSDD of a near DID kind.

MID says PTSD and DID. DDIS essentially the same including the same profile of answers, other than my unsureness about true alters vs ego states or EPs.

Somatic, self hypnosis and trance, BDP symptoms, Schneiderian, psychic phenomenon, etc., you name it, all correlated. But no manifest alters that I can tell.

This is seriously insane, pun intended. Anyways, yeah.

I was damn good at it too, it took getting completely ignored and abandoned by a church counselor after finally deciding to trust someone to get help to **** up my equilibrium with a massive trigger and precipitate the breakdown that may ruin me.

But I put those feelings away for this post. POOF. GONE. Like it never happened. For a time.

But the ship I captained is going down. It's a slow process. It's almost beautiful to watch, the perfection that it was. It took immense destruction to take it down. The smoke of its burning rises for miles. And the hull is blown out all over the place. I'm damn good. Even now with the hull critically damaged and impossible to repair it won't go down quickly.

But this ship will sink, unfortunately. It was a damn finely managed effort, I have to give it that. Not a bad haul, 40 some odd years. Everyone salutes the captain. It took a Judas to finally ruin us.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue May 26, 2020 8:27 am

It might be you becoming aware of being multiple. It might be "just" some sort of PTSD with flash-backs being triggered.

All in all, the common solution/therapy to it all is, to be gentle to yourself, aknowledge that you were hurt in the past, heal the past wounds. You might want to seek help with a professionnal T for this, if it is possible. Additional answers will come with time.

Stay safe and grounded in the here and now.

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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Nondescript » Tue May 26, 2020 8:37 am

What you describe does sound consistent with what I'd call a dissociative awakening. Your instincts may very well be right, or it could be something else, or a combination of things. Whether you have a dissociative disorder like DID or more like C-PTSD, you know you have psychological trauma that's messing with you.

It's normal to feel terrified. Looking back, I wish I could remove the terror and worry from my process. It would have made it a lot easier to go through. But melting the terror is actually part of the process of healing. At least for me it was. I learned that my dissociation was the flip side of terror, and when I removed layers of dissociation, I had to learn to deal with the massive underlying terror. Not easy work, not straight-forward work, but worthy work.

It's normal to worry about becoming unable to function. I definitely fell more apart for a while, but many systems continue to function fairly well externally. I avoided the psych hospital (I'd been there as a teen and was traumatized by it), but I actually live near a good trauma program and wish I would have made space in my life to attend it. The idea of going to such a place felt shameful to me at the time, like a sign of weakness. Now I'd see it as the move of a strong person who knows what they need and is committed to getting better! Anyway, if you're a high functioning person, a good therapist (or you yourself) can really focus on stabilization (the first phase of the three phase model of trauma treatment) and make a plan for maintaining your functioning while figuring out what "healing" entails for you. Making space (mental space, physical space) and time for yourself during the awakening phase (and beyond) is a good idea.

I'm not sure if you needed to hear any of the above. Sounds like you're doing what you need to do.

Maybe the idea that many people, even many people on this board, have gotten through it and come out better for it, can help a tiny bit? Wishing you the best, and welcome!
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue May 26, 2020 3:41 pm

May I suggest you try to communicate with your potential alters? If you don't have them, the exercise isn't going to be detrimental. If you do, you may begin to hear a distinct voice, one who is different from you and who says things that surprise you, one that is consistent over time. Since you mentioned hearing the voice of a child, you might start there.

You can speak internally or talk aloud, then wait to listen for any reply. You can also write, then wait to see if someone hears you. Trying to stay in a loose, relaxed, receptive frame on mind worked for me. Suspend judgment about what you're doing as much as possible. Don't force anything and be willing to try this at least several times. Be ready to step back if the process becomes destabilizing and communicate your concerns about remaining stable. It will probably feel bizarre when you first try this because it's the opposite of what you normally do. But many of us with DID have discovered or confirmed our own DID by doing something like this.

Lack of communication, especially at first, will not prove that you don't have DID. Alters may not want to speak up, there may be blocks to them hearing you or to responding or blocks to you hearing them, they may be in hibernation or asleep, etc. Every person with DID is unique as is the way their system operates.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Wed May 27, 2020 5:13 am

I'll try the communication angle. Already working on therapist. Well, I had one early when I was the most suicidal but it didn't work out (don't want to go into detail) due to a boundary violation.

I don't see how this could possibly be primary structural dissociation (PTSD) as the flashbacks are affective primarily and due to early childhood sexual abuse that I'd put from 4 to 5 years of age. Which I only have vague knowledge of as if from a book, split out from affect, split from behavior, split from sense. Even now I wasn't abused in my own perception. I have knowledge of someone who was though, who happens to share the same body.

I know some things about the abuse as if it was handed to me. I have no idea how I even know them with no memory. It's like pure knowledge without the memory.

At minimum it's borderline DID via fragments or secondary structural dissociation, but as a male it could easily be a male form which takes on different characteristics.

The strangest part of all this has been an invisible force propelling me to the answer slowly but surely, when I wasn't aware of the cause. I didn't go looking for this, it was handed to me by some unknown vector like a breadcrumb trail, which I would put to the "internal self helper".

The explanatory factor in retrospect to my life is powerful. So many things converge including my own analytical strategy which is polyphonic.

In any case, I'll try the communication and work on the proper therapist. There's no way out now but that way, unfortunately. The cat is out of the bag.

I could easily be a high functioning male DID case given the data on this condition. I hope for some conclusion but regardless the frozen trauma will have to be abreacted into Gestalt or I will eventually end up in the hospital or worse. Maybe even anyway. Something was breached and there's no stopping it now.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Wed May 27, 2020 5:40 am

As far as other relevant things I acted out the abuse unconsciously as a child and beyond without knowledge why. Many many times. Have the somatic symptoms that are classic for decades. I will change perceptions massively on things (with affect) and people even in the same day, and then back. Very hypnotizable (even to myself). The list goes on and on as unbelievable as it seems.

I know a psychic medium who claims that I'm a "shaman" and she has her own trauma history which I knew unconsciously, she never told me. But I confirmed it. I have some psychic ability for damn sure, if such a thing even exists in the way people usually understand it, but in terms of precognition and empathic type stuff, water witching, etc. I avoid that though as it is forbidden as a Christian. But the dark arts have always been a temptation which in and of itself is a bit odd, having that ability and proclivity.

This is at minimum OSDD-1. At minimum I think. My DDIS signature matches DID down to the psychic phenomenon, distinguished from schizophrenia as well. Also what makes me suspect DID is how high functioning I used to be (still am to an extent but failing slowly). My understanding of the OSDD or secondary structural dissociation is that it is not as invisible as DID and harder to function under before healing occurs.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Wed May 27, 2020 1:21 pm

It occurs to me that listening like that sounds almost like listening for a spirit. Which is confusing as all get out. What is this link between the psychic and dissociation?

You can't tell me that some mediums aren't legit. Most are fake but not all from what I've seen.

What if I make contact with something that isn't an alter? How would I know if it's an alter vs a actual spirit masquerading as an alter? I don't want to complicate this too far or go down some insane road, but that is a scary thought to me.

Regardless, I will pray that nothing happens that shouldn't happen in that regard and trust in that prayer (trust in God) while at the same time using whatever means available to stay simultaneously firmly grounded.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Una+ » Wed May 27, 2020 3:41 pm

Ratio wrote:Does this sound like someone with DID having a breakdown and it finally starting to emerge? I have 3 children and I think maybe this started when the oldest reached the age of my abuse.

I don't know if you have DID but I can tell you a typical DID crisis is just like this. I prefer the word crisis.

Also, parents who experienced abuse as children are prone to have it all come to the surface when their children, especially same sex children, reach the same age. That is not specific to DID.

You'll get through it. You are not alone. This DID Forum has been around a long time and thousands before you have come here in crisis and got through it. You are asking all the right questions. You will come out of this so much stronger, healthier, more psychologically aware. Your children will benefit.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Wed May 27, 2020 11:42 pm

Thank you. I got experienced trauma therapist now.

Right now insanely derealized I think and it's scary. Can barely feel body and feel super floaty like I'm not on the ground or in my body.

More agony and pain is leaking out than I can recall before. Thinking is getting more difficult. I'm seeing everything from a long distance away.

All started after/during sharing everything in written form with therapist a few hours ago.

I'm afraid.
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