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Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Fri May 29, 2020 9:54 pm

You are probably right. I first thought I had BPD but it didn't take too long to determine it wasn't that. But I skipped over DID initially immediately because it seemed too strange to possibly be real. I mean, it's always someone else right, even traumas, nothing bad ever happened to me of course. heh

But it's still too out there for me to really truly believe despite the evidence of not remembering most of my childhood and even large parts of the rest of my life.

It's a strange thing... I kind of exist as if only in the now, if that makes any sense. I never questioned it before, but I'm guessing that's not normal.

It's like a magic trick almost, I just exist in some "now bubble" and break off everything else, like a form of compartmentalization of identity rather than role.

(E.g. A policeman would compartmentalize their role as a cop while on duty, but not their entire existence/identity on an ongoing basis. The cop gets to go home again. I do not ever go home again. At least not without a lot of painful work anyway apparently.)

That cop analogy is probably the most clear that I've understood DID before, assuming that I got it right. If so, yeah, I think I must have it in some form or another. :shock:

This is unbearably sad and painful, philosophically speaking. I don't want to own this right now if that's ok. :(
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Fri May 29, 2020 11:36 pm

My analogy needs some refinement obviously. For some alters, going home is exactly the problem. And some probably have a very wide scope such that it's not so bad a reality. This is an incredible mechanism for survival. It's unfortunate to have to deploy it, but in this present darkness of a world it's nonetheless a mercy within that frame.

We just have to keep fighting. I will keep fighting. I can't will anything less than that, thankfully.

Whether I have DID or not, I have a tremendous and I mean a TREMENDOUS amount of respect and empathy for all who have had to survive via this incredible mechanism. And I am very thankful for all of the advice, help, and encouragement.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 30, 2020 8:58 am

I completely understand not wanting to deal with the trauma right now. Dealing with the trauma is painful, difficult, shaking. We had some emotional baggage that surfaced a couple days ago, very intense, we'd rather not share it on this forum because of the intensity, and we are taking time to recover.

But there are other things to do when you have DID, appart from dealing with the past trauma.

Such as, bringing your headmates into the here and now so that they stop suffering. Meeting them. Celebrating your diversity. Getting organized to work together in the here and now. Giving them comfort. Throwing bridges across the gaps that separate you.

It's a bit scary at first to not be alone. But it's comforting too. Personally I love to know that I don't have to face the daily life alone. That I can get comfort and help from my headmates and vice-versa. Self-care is important.

I hope you'll find the same comfort with your potential headmates.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Sat May 30, 2020 1:00 pm

That was a very kind reply. I think that approach is wise. If I'm as unstable as I think I am (and even that is a murky thing) then even though theoretically the healing requires synthesis and integration of trauma I'm furthest from being in a state to actually do that.

So rather than trying to get through this in a weekend (haha) and move on I think I need to step back and build and heal insomuch as I can and prepare for the long haul. I'm assuming some years probably. So I might as well stop and take a breather and realize that it's ok right now. I don't have to fix this overnight and that's ok.

There's a gentleness to your post that was very sweet, thank you for that.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby ArbreMonde » Sat May 30, 2020 3:28 pm

Well, healing is a journey so, get ready for years of work. But it's not always bad. The relief we get from healing and finding stability is just awesome.

You got so far and that's awesome too. And you sound like you are taking the decision of doing self-care and healing and that's awesome too. You are awesome!

--Zami--

~Who's awesome? YOU ARE AWESOME!~

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(gif of a guy in an orange shirt, pointing at the viewer, captionned "Who is awesome?")

~Theia~
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They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Johnny-Jack » Sun May 31, 2020 4:58 am

Ratio, try doing a search in this forum for the phrase "overactive imagination." It occurs a lot! Some of the occurrences are people replying to someone else's use of the phrase but many come from new members like you. If you read even a few of these, the posts are going to sound mighty familiar to you.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Mon Jun 01, 2020 3:16 pm

I've come to the place where I know beyond doubt that I'm at least dealing with OSDD-1 of a kind. Indisputable. And child abuse memories surfacing along with all of this craziness inside.

And there are parts. Definitely child parts. I think more than 1. A scared one, a self hating suicidal one, and one that wants to go home, one that just doesn't understand.

They or it say things in my head like thoughts. Maybe it is just my own thoughts. But it is definitely like a child aspect and voice when thought out. "I'm scared." "I want to go home." "I don't understand " are direct examples.

And these child parts are also at least a part state of being at times but not for long. Is that possible? When they exists I snap back to adult fast always except for a couple times that were unique that I don't want to go into.

I also see adult states of being too. Indisputably. There's a hyper intellectual. A people person. A kind of warrior mode.

But are these just taxonomies of a normal human experience brought about by deep introspection? I don't know.

I do know that I get "carried along" sometimes by some state like I'm watching myself do stuff.

But is this "DID" per the criteria? I don't know.

I will do therapy though as I at least know that is required now. Again, the comments and help have been much appreciated. Thank you.

I also think that I understand DID now when I didn't before. Like I get it. And my life matches the pattern other than the big noticeable obvious stuff. I understand Truddi completely. Completely in terms of DID anyway. And I am able to empathize with her through and through.

But I need to focus on stability for a while. I have to get back under control and not flip out.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Ratio » Mon Jun 01, 2020 4:13 pm

So I've created a safe place in my mind for the children to play in.

It's an impossible place by design. As anything that could exist in this world wouldn't be safe for them.

It is inlaid in gold beneath the white sand with symbols of the eternal love and promises of God with 12 white pillars surrounding the small space, inscribed with all of the unchangeable promises for now and for the world to come. God oversees and protects it, hence the pillars surrounding it.

I see them happy there such that they can be, in the conceit of my mind's eye anyway. 2 are throwing a football together and one is reading a book inside a pup tent. I don't known if it's the same child in simultaneous temporal states or different ones but it doesn't matter.

I feel some equilibrium returning through this visualization and can now get to work. I am happy with this exercise.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Jun 02, 2020 2:24 am

Great work on helping the others feel safe! You're on the right track and maintaining enough stability is indeed a major objective, now and into the future.
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Re: Does this sound like a possible "DID Breakdown?'

Postby Panther1830 » Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:09 am

Don't seek out help from the church. Talk to the one fronting, to ask the one in trouble. Who is causing the inner commotion. He may need something or you to speak for them. Journal and talk to the ones willing to communicate for them to see what might be missing for them.

-- Sat Jun 06, 2020 8:11 pm --

Create rooms for them to play in and draw out their wishes to play with. They may want sweats or to have a playground.
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