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the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

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the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby Cyanred » Sat May 16, 2020 12:59 pm

I suppose everyone with DID has had several occasions of questioning whether it isn’t all just a delusion. It seems proper to accuse yourself of simply engaging in a cringy fantasy, especially since there’s no real way for any outsider to distinguish a person with actual DID from someone who’s making sh*t up; namely, for me the biggest insecurity wasn’t in my own doubt but in my projection of what other people’s judgement would be.

The interesting thing however was that every time I had an episode of doubt, the only conclusion I could draw was that there was no way for me to reach a conclusion, because there was no way for me to prove or disprove the legitimacy of what I was experiencing.

So instead of trying to prove or disprove the thing as a whole I looked internally to rather find what specific element of the DID experience I didn’t trust myself with, and I found that the constant reoccurring doubt regarded our internal dialogue.

Namely, there was constant dialogue going on between two, sometimes three different alters and I didn’t know which one was me, if any of them were me, maybe I was doing all the voices, maybe everyone had this and I just made it into a fantasy, I had countless questions.

I quickly realized that there was no way for me to find any reliable method to prove or disprove that these voices were distinct alters and not just a single me doing all of them. Instead I aimed for understanding the mechanism of how the dialogue worked, and one day it suddenly clicked and all the puzzle pieces fell into place instantly and the sudden realization felt like a profound epiphany, I suddenly understood exactly how the system worked and it became beyond clear that it wasn’t a fantasy and that I was one of the voices, not doing all the voices.

Normaly epiphanies make you realize the answer was something simple and obvious all along, in this case however it was actually more complicated than I thought but I’ll try to make it as simple as possible.

Firstly I knew there was always a fronter, namely a feeling of a person present in the whole body. Then there was dialogue going on in sort of a black void in my mind (for me at least, I read some people have a vivid inner world). I realized that whenever an alter had a dialogue, their sort of energy, their presence would temporarily appear in the face but not the rest of the body. So if an alter talked inside, he or she would temporarily overwrite the fronter and appear in the face, I could feel their energy in the face. Now, the reason I believed I was making those dialogues up was because whenever I front and an alter talks inside, he or she (as a feeling) quickly appears in the face. As I listened to them talk and they were present in the face, I confused their presence for my own and concluded that I was talking rather than them. The confusion then is caused by the fact that a talking alter appears both in the inner world and in the body, and since I as the fronter am identified with the body and I see the alter talk in the inner world, I confuse their expressions for my own. In essence, the talking alter appears both in first-person and in third-person giving the illusion of a duplicate. While I was focussed on the alter talking in my head, the alter him or herself was temporarily present in the body and I never noticed it before because my focus was internally. Namely, the moment an alter stopped talking their energy would dissapear from the body but remain present in their third-person representation in the inner world. This mechnism became especially apparent when I imagined the other alters in an imagined room. Everytime they talked in the room their energy would appear both in the body and in the imagined room and I felt an impulse to confuse their energy for my own energy which took up more of the body and remained after they stopped talking. And so the fronters’ sense of self remains constant in the body, while other alters near the front only appear in the body temporarily when they have dialgue or a strong feeling.

I reckoned all it took was a switch of focus from the inner world to the body, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t discovered this earlier.

I hope this to be of value to someone and I’d love to hear any input, critique or opinions.

Cheers!
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sun May 17, 2020 4:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited subject to make it clear the discovery was about the poster's system
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun May 17, 2020 6:48 pm

It is a very interesting testimony! Thanks for the share!

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath} | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby MenOfTheFutur » Mon May 18, 2020 2:35 am

Hello,

I realized that whenever an alter had a dialogue, their sort of energy, their presence would temporarily appear in the face but not the rest of the body.

face = facial expression ?

My facial expressions are a social disaster... That has ruined my live. Imagine an ugly mixture of anger, fear and weakness... Thanks you alters ! :lol:

What do you mean by "energy" ?

their third-person representation in the inner world

How is the representation of their third-person inside the inner world ?

The confusion then is caused by the fact that a talking alter appears both in the inner world

Do you mean than the alter talks with your mouth ?
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby Cyanred » Tue May 19, 2020 1:21 pm

Hey, thanks for your reply.
With energy in the face, I mean energy as a metaphorical term for the unique way every alter feels (regardless of their emotions). For example, I’m a male fronting, and if my female alter talks, whether aloud or internally, the face will temporarily feel feminine, meaning that I can feel a feminine “energy” in the face. If I’m fronting and another alter talks aloud then I do lose control over mouth movement and if they use gestures to communicate then I can also feel their presence in the arms and hands and they move involuntarily.

As for how specifically they are represented in the inner world. It’s like sitting in a bus with your eyes closed and you hear conversations around you, you can’t see the people talking but you still sort of spatially represent where they are seated. In the same way I can’t see the alters but I feel where in the inner space they are located.
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby Juicypotatoes » Sat May 23, 2020 9:13 pm

Thank you for writing this post. I actually experience the same type of doubts and the reason is really similar. I never know if I’m making it all up in my head—how do I know if the voices aren’t all just me having different thoughts.

I think I also have the same experiences of feeling the presence of parts in my face and feeling their energy but not realizing it’s either apparent to others, or that it’s a part or that it isn’t me.

You wrote it much more eloquently than I did, but just wanted to say that I experience something similar. So thank you for this post.
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby unitywithin » Sat May 23, 2020 10:25 pm

I doubted myself to but as more alters came forward and let me be aware of them with their likes and dislikes. I was able to have clothes in my closet for all my parts.

yep, it was my closet that proved it to me that we were in fact sharing and getting to know each other. Now we have a basic set of clothes we all agree on with a few options for individuals within.

:lol:
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby MenOfTheFutur » Mon May 25, 2020 2:36 am

I can feel a feminine “energy” in the face

What do you mean by "energy" ? I don't understand. What do you feel ?
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby Nondescript » Mon May 25, 2020 3:31 am

Brilliant post. This is so awesome. The one of us that fronts most of the time is a portal that filters us to appear more integrated than we are. Ha, or maybe we are more integrated than we imagine half the time, who knows. That one is totally mixed up about identity because s/he doesn't have a consistent one. After tons of work, that portal person is learning to just go with the flow. They could feel certain they finally learned who they are. Next day, they aren't that, but they're still themself. The worst thing the portal person can do is try to discover "which one" is them. Leads to short circuits. Yeah. When we are more integrated we get tons of times when this one can't tell if he's himself or not, and all that. It's only upsetting if it makes us screw up outside. Usually doesn't. I don't care that much what the deal is. Makes life a lot nicer. Cheers.
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Re: the mechanism by which alters communicate in my system

Postby Sarandipity » Mon May 25, 2020 3:51 am

I was thinking something similar earlier. Like how two alters can be having a conversation covering a third alters thoughts and I can't hear the thoughts. I feel in the body and out of the body at the same time. Like a piece of me is awake but also not awake. It was very odd but I have just started new meds.
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