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TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

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TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:08 pm

*** Trigger Warning ***

I think my parents may have been Satanists. As usual this will probably be reflective post and it could be long, I don't know because I haven't thought about it, but it's what I usually do.

If you can't read it all but it makes you think of anything relating to yourself then would welcome that, even if it's random or seemingly unrelated to my post, please say whatever you want if anything pops into your head.

I was talking to a guy online. It's politics that I usually chat about. Different alters say different stuff to him so there's other convos but I like to chat to him because he has political views I find interesting.

He was complaining about religion in politics and how he had decided to take "the left hand path" which I couldn't access all the religious research I've done at the time. I did alot because I have alters of various religions and I wanted to find just one we could all agree on. I couldn't access religious stuff I leant so I had to Google. I got the gist and went back to the convo.

Then he said he'd decided "I am my own God" I didn't reply with anything sensical and rambled about the novels I'm writing. But this morning I woke up and realised my father used to say that alot.

I used to think he was stupid to believe or take on the arrogant attitude of "I am my own God" Anyway I googled Satanism. When I researched alot of religion I did not research Satanism. Same as when I read alot about mental health dissorders I didn't read about DID and I still find it hard to read about. I am struggling to read this Satan stuff now, it's causing dissociation. But I did also manage to take in that a Satanist also believes "knowledge is power" which is another thing my father said alot.

I also remembered that we visited Christian churches a handful of times but they were always outings where my parents would mock the church, say they are not welcoming, one time my father was laughing so much at whatever the service was he was crying. Me and my sister are baptised though, Methodist, but it was what everyone did at that time so it doesn't necessarily mean anything because it was "what people did" I did ask my parents years ago why they had me baptised when they don't believe in Christianity. They are separated now, have been for 20 years once me and my sister were 18 and 16. They are both Buddhists. Which again is odd, spilt up but end up the same religion. They practice different forms of Buddhism. My mother always did yoga, me and my sister had to do it but I won't go into that because that's triggering to me.

Also nearly all my alters say either "I was in Hell" or "I come from Hell" I think they all say it actually. I can't think of one who doesn't except me ... Oh yeah Beth. Beth says she followed Jesus in Bible times. When I get really in despair in life Beth prays really really hard, fall on her knees sobbing, please help me God hard and it works - it lifts whatever is weighing is. I prayed to God every day as a child. I prayed for God to keep animals safe and to forgive those who had done bad. I had my own prayer because I didn't know any but I prayed to the Christian God even though I wasn't brought up to.

So that must come from somewhere. For a young child to have an idea of God and praying. But then one day at about 14 I prayed to the moon. I remember. I prayed to the moon for something exciting and then my life became exciting in a not so good way quite quickly. I didn't pray to the moon again after that.

I need to try to read about this Satanism more. It could be coincidence that my father used their phrases "I'm my own God" and "Knowledge is power" but it might not be and I can't think of another way to find out than making myself read stuff that could trigger a memory. Other than hypnosis but I don't trust hypnotists so I have to try to trigger myself. Or I wait till I go back in that Floatation Tank, that's probably best, I wait till I go in the Floatation Tank, like a sensory deprivation, because that let me remember something gently and I felt good after rather than triggered and dissociated.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby unitywithin » Sun Mar 29, 2020 12:07 am

those words come from anyone that is taking control of others.

as to researching what groups use it. please be carefull and have a support with you!

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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Rive » Sun Mar 29, 2020 6:28 am

Idk it's hard to say. I spent a portion of my life believing my mother was a atheist because of something she said. Only to find out she believed in the Christian God.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Mar 29, 2020 11:06 am

unitywithin wrote:those words come from anyone that is taking control of others.

as to researching what groups use it. please be carefull and have a support with you!

unitywithin


Yeah that's true I guess. I'm going to leave this alone. I got distracted by other stuff anyway.

-- Sun Mar 29, 2020 11:11 am --

Rive wrote:Idk it's hard to say. I spent a portion of my life believing my mother was a atheist because of something she said. Only to find out she believed in the Christian God.


My father was atheist till he had an out of body experience while meditating. I don't know about my mother.

I suppose there could be many different reasons why my alters all say they have been in hell and those phrases could come from anywhere.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Mar 29, 2020 11:36 pm

I'm just gonna write this here to get it off my chest and out my head.

For a while, I couldn't put a time on it, I felt like this ex bf is friends with my abusive father. This could be completely irrational and purely based on that I find this ex bf abusive also.

My reasons are: whenever anything happened or came up it felt like he pretended to be on my side. Whilst loudly and over the toply pretending he would when alone say very triggering and confidence damaging stuff, say nobody believed me, said the police man said I was dreaming it (I never checked with the police man because I was too upset), kept telling me that I am basically pathetic and would never do anything about my abusive parents. There could be his own personal abusive reasons for this but it felt like he was pretending to be on my side but secretly on theirs.

My second reason is that he knew Mason stuff. My father was in the masons or is I'm not sure. Not that I believe the masons to be overall abusive, I knew a couple of other masons on my own and they seemed ok but it adds to my suspicions. When we were out on one of the first dates we went on you needed ID to get into a club and he didn't have any so he said to the bouncer "I only have gold in my pockets" If I asked him he'd lie about this so that's pointless but there's one thing I do know, when dealing with abusive characters only trust your own mind or you get caught up in their lies. This gold phrase to my knowledge is a mason phrase. So that adds to my suspicions.

Also this ex bf is a dark soul, dark character but pretends to be otherwise (like my father). My nature is to always try to give the benefit of the doubt so I did but he's horrible. He is "the serpent beneath the flower" (to paraphrase Macbeth) like both of my parents. So it could be that, why I think he's on "their side" but maybe not.

Maybe not because I have never felt like this about any of my other ex's. Good or bad I never felt "secretly he's on my abusive parents side" like I do with this ex bf.

Like I said it's a feeling but it goes round and round in my head so I wanted to get it out. I have said it to him "I feel like you're on their side" but he basically ignored that or made a big display of how insulting that is and how he's so much on my side. All words.

Also I believe, this is more theological than related to this, that if Satan worshippers do abuse children or adults or animals then they have it all wrong. Satan is the punisher of evil not the saviour. I think Satan would be really really angry if Satanists do terrible acts and use him as an excuse. And I think they'd get the worst treatment in Hell for heracy and bad publicity of which Satan already has enough of. So all those misguided, mislead fools who think they praised Satan not only sold their souls to the devil but they severely pissed him off. When I was small child, again I dunno why I would be aware of Satanists or why a small child would think this, I used to think "who would take Satan's side. He's already the looser. Why would you choose to believe in a God and then worship the guy who got beaten by him?" Never made sense to me.

That amoungst other things lead to me researching alot a religion, back to Sumarian and across the ocean to ancient Hawaiian, most you could think of. But didn't bother with Satanism. And from all the research still nothing suggests that the Punisher of evil (even if you disregard logic that the Jews had an earthquake and created the concept of the devil out of fear) would delight in followers who commit evil acts. Still makes no sense. I know the Satanists now say they don't do all this stuff and have gone quite hippy. Bad stuff is done in the name is God, and who judges that - supposedly Satan - so why on earth would Satan tolerate commiting evil in his own name.

Anyway my abusive parents probably weren't Satanists and this ex bf probably isn't on "their side" but I feel better to get it off my chest.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Apr 05, 2020 3:25 pm

I got annoyed about Equador and started reading some stuff. But somehow got drawn back into this Satanist question.

I read an interview with the leader, they believe they are their own God, that the universe is indifferent to our existence and that we are all responsible for our own actions, it's on your head - he actually used that phrase.

These are all things my father would say. "On your head be it" "well it's on your head" "I am my own God" "nobody cares" "you think there's someone sitting up there that cares anything about you"

If he was not actually joined to the Satanic church then he definitely followed their doctrine.

Also apparently one of their laws is "the stupid need to be punished" And I get really really triggered if someone implies I'm stupid, like rage triggered and I don't know why because logically I know I'm not all round stupid. Even if someone implies I'm stupid by thinking they can lie to me and I won't know I get enraged. That has to come from somewhere. I don't remember being punished for being stupid as a child but that doesn't necessarily mean it didn't happen.


So the Satan stuff all sounds reasonable right? "You're the centre of your own world, your decisions only fall on you, the universe is indifferent" Well being raised by someone who had all these views I can tell you in no uncertain terms it is not reasonable, it's s terrible way to grow up and put a sadist or in my case two sadists in the mix of that and it's horrendous.

But we'll according to their indoctrination and brainwashing of me "it's on their heads" which it is. I do quickly let go of the disgusting things they did, I know it's them and not my fault. I don't carry self blame like I see others blame themselves for long periods like it was their fault. I know where blame goes and I can logically analysis my part in adult trauma - like when I block it out its because I still have an out dated trauma coping mechanism caused by my parental abuse which then puts a whole world of other $#%^ on their heads. Till I realised what was wrong with me, I was still blocking stuff out, that happened after I knew I had parts at about age 33. Then because I could I took responsibility. So up until age 33 every trauma that happened to me is on their heads. I haven't had any since then, I had an abusive relationship but the twins kind of used that - and my brain is saying like being dragged through fire - to bring out all the child abuse that I suffered. So I don't count that relationship. The guy seems like a Satanist himself, whatever.

So if they were not actual Satanists they did somehow have all their beliefs. That's my conclusion. That and the Satanic Church sounds reasonable and intellectual and freeing but it's still evil and does evil things and allows evil people to continue to do evil things because ultimately they believe nobody importantant like a God is watching them because they are so conceited they believe they are their own God's. So a universal law for peace "right thought, right word, right action" goes out the window. And I hope they all burn in Hell, Hell didn't freeze over (they think it did) Hell is waiting for them all. I like to believe it is anyway, it gives me some comfort and people can judge me however they like because I only care how God judges me and I mean universal power that not a Christian God for the purposes of that statement but also the Christian God actually.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Apr 06, 2020 12:09 pm

I'm gonna write this down even though it seems a bit crazy/not real/possibly internal.

So after I typed on another thread how it seemed Shane was basically gone I could hear him and I knew it was him because of his accent. It's impossible to muddle him up with other male alters because he has a strong American accent. I think from the south but I'm not sure if have to listen to regional accents and I've never asked where he is from.

He had felt like he kind of died and his essence was in the body because he seperated him self from the small child part who experienced trauma. I think rather than kind of integrating he just stayed in the body. I know this now because he is an incredibly tense individual. And when he spoke up last night after I wrote he's gone I said it's you making the body feel so tense.

Like really tense, the kind of tense you feel under severe severe stress. He wanted to show me the trauma he suffered and I wanted him out of the body (he's back now) so the small traumatized girl that's Shane's trauma came and joined with him. That meant he left the body and I guess he was in an internal world - I call that imagination, like you're picturing a whole scene, like a dream but you can interact so he could show me.

It was again about a Satanic ritual. And again I don't know if this is an interpretation of a different trauma, symbolic or if it's an account.

When he left the body I felt immediately physically relaxed. So it's definitely him who is tense. At first I felt him and the girl join and then I just saw him as the girl.

I'm just gonna say what I saw exactly even though it seems extravagant and like out of a book. There was a fire again, like the first one he showed me, same woods and tree setting around the clearing where the fire was.

There was people in black with black hoods (like a film) and there was him (except as a small girl) hog tied...

I remember he started to explain it verbally first and then I said I don't know what hog tied is so he said I'll show you and that's when he left the body. I nearly forgot this bit too. He @!@@@! me, like from outside the body, I felt it but wouldn't have noticed if he didn't say "did you feel that" it was light, misable but because he asked I realised yeah I did. So obviously he had my attention from there because I could of quite easily been happy to feel physically relaxed for the first time in I can't remember how long.

Anyway hogtied and had apples in their mouths, there were other children the same, I can't remember how many, not many like 3 at the most. There was chanting and nonsense. The children were also blindfolded. Then when they take the blind fold off the children are supposed to eat the apple. The others had eaten it, there was 2 others, and then it got to Shane. This apple was supposed to represent the apple from the garden of Eden and eating meant you too excepted the knowledge from the snake and you foresake Eden. I have always been a bit literally, nearly autistic like it took me ages to understand common phrases like "it's raining cats and dogs" and I still don't fully get it, now I'm trying to work out why cats and dogs again. Anyway...So when it got to Shane he said "no I'm not eating it. I'd rather be in Eden" Probably if Eve had that choice informatively then she would have refused too idk. So he got questioned, why, "don't want knowledge like that, rather stay in Eden" Eventually I think they accepted his choice.

I avoid apples just to add. It's not that I don't particularly like them, it's that I can never bring myself to eat one raw. I eat Apple pie, cooked apples, but I have always struggled with trying to eat raw apples. I don't like cutting them up for my children although I did.

I had a "ghost" visit me, Rose did (I can't see ghosts) that was called Dean and he was constantly eating an apple which at the time I out down to him liking apples. He crossed over. I wondered if Dean was an alter for a while. Rose says he wasn't. He came to warn me about the bf "he is not who he seems" that's all he kept saying "he is not who he seems. He will betray you." I don't trust the bf, I didn't before that, Dean didn't really come into it but I kept wondering who he was if he's not an alter, ghosts don't usually come to give me a message, when they come they come to annoy Rose to make her tell loved ones messages and we look crazy enough without that so Rose tells them "f off I'm dead" But now I wonder if the apple Dean kept eating was linked to this. Rose only let Dean hang around for so long because for once he wasn't wanting a message to his family, he just hung around for about a week and a half and occasionally repeated his warning.

The only time I ever freely ate apples was when me and friends found a crab apple tree and for some reason we thought it'd be funny to eat them. I was pretending I was in Oz and they were lunch pale trees. We all ate the crab apples and only one of us got sick but she had appendicitis so I dunno if that was the crab apple. She was abused too, I know because she would have massive depressive bouts and her brother groomed me to abuse me but somehow when I to actually innapropriately touch me I slapped him. I was 11, he was 18, it was a reflex and I was a shocked as he was. He'd abused at least one of her other friends too, the girl told me. So she was abused, definitely by her brother but I dunno about the father. Anyway she got sick, me and the other girl didn't.

Then after Shane showed me this apple stuff I was relaxed and I started to go to sleep but I saw demonic dogs flash Infront of me, a demonic voice said "tell me who you are" I wasn't really frightened, I said "thanks for the bed time story" and went to sleep. Since the time when I was 19 and I hallucinated hundreds of emerald green eyes in black robes surrounding me (at first I panicked and pooped myself) but eventually I said "go bother someone else" things that my own mind can do don't bother me. When I first saw all the eyes I physically screamed and shouted help. Then I realized they weren't really there. They didn't go away with that realisation but when I stopped being frightened and I didn't care they were there and I said "go bother someone else" like how you'd deal with an annoying non threatening person I went to sleep. Same last night, demonic dogs and voices in my mind and I thought "nice show. Whatever" It's No-one btw, the host started writing this but she's in a battle with Shane, Shane is so tense, so I took over probably at about the demonic dog bit. He isn't good for the body because he's so tense constantly. He says "we're under demonic attack" I say it doesn't take completely tense body to help with that even if it's true lol. Also if Satanists or demons or whoever he thinks is attacking us, he said Satanists not demons, are so bothered by this thread then they must be really really weak because if they were strong that wouldn't give a rat's arse about this thread (Shane said rats arse, I was gonna say $#%^). I'm gonna help you today Shane, help you realise that true or not it's nothing.

Ok bye to anyone who read this from No-one and Shane and the host but I dunno how aware she is right now.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Apr 07, 2020 11:49 am

I decided to read this even though I feel it doesn't apply to me or that it's "my business" I got very upset and started to cry reading the first post and then started to dissociate. I'm struggling to get back fully. I think this post was written by another "host" type alter. I'm calling prenceses, I think we generally are, who do not have distinct name or idenity host, this may be incorrect in DID terminology but it's the best term I have.


I've kind of gone internal like I'm hiding and someone is outside, it feels like it's Pat, holding me. He's letting through my upset and staying in the third person to try to let me stay present.

I didn't feel like I wrote this. He said "you didn't and it's ok" It very much felt like I was reading someone else's view on my life. My view is very logical or basic - abused, dissociated, developed a long coping strategy.

The first post made me cry. Like I'm emotionally linked to it and it's incredibly upsetting but I don't know why. I thought and read this and feel nothing. Feel how I feel about the twins being internet billionaires - ridiculous fantasy nonsense to try to cover or distract from facts but I felt incredibly upset...

I think that's all she can manage at the moment. That and as I came forward she said "maybe that's why the bf is wanting our computer" like she linked the twins internet stuff, with the bf, with the Satanists, with him offering to download films onto the laptop and then thought what if... But the upset overwhelmed her and she can't come back out, she could I could help her but she'll cry for hours and then sleep. I'm going to have a coffee and get on with the day. Pat
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Apr 07, 2020 12:15 pm

I thought I'd better take a look at this. But I can't read so Karen sumarised. The post was written by the daily alter who tries to look into needs and beliefs and align them all, political and religious. The alter who just read it is practical, not needs of beliefs and deals with psychology. Not sure why she got so upset.

So Karen said the gist is: Satanic ritual caused Trouble (one of twins), then the rest followed. I dunno if they wrote the ins and outs here because it's alot to read and I don't want to loose the body becsuse stress and upset is not good for the body and I don't want to read and trigger Karen.

Except Rose. The child (she was a woman by this point) "dug Rose up" herself after a past life regression and I followed a few years later. I could go into the details but it's not of interest or point because it's "fanciful" I get that, nobody likes to put spirituality in the face of science or the so called reality of being alive.

I'll say as to my personal opinion - nobody is their own God. They may like to think they are, we all do sometimes, it's called ego Karen said. But we are all answerable to something bigger than ourselves, Rose shows me that and I know it, I feel it. I don't understand it or have any knowledge or see ghosts or just "know" what's going to happen like Rose but there is something and human beings are further from being divine than a slug is or a fly. A fly is closer to being a God than we are. That I know.

Pat. I may have thoughts on this if I do get to hear the posts details but I reluctant to read because it seems to be very triggering except to the author.
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Re: TriggerWarning* I think my parents might have been Satanists

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Apr 07, 2020 12:58 pm

Well I still couldn't read it because it's very difficult being a slow reader and Karen saying "I told you this bit" The only bit she didn't know was the demonic dog stuff. The Overlord said "it's circumstancial evidence and being a Satanist isn't a crime in its self" He put a lawyer hat on otherwise he said he wouldn't cope with it. Then he mumbled something to himself about Satanic Rights. And said if you put it all together then it points to a possibility that abuse started out linked to the Satanism, that it opened a door in the parents to go down very abusive roads but it's impossible to say whether or not they would of abused anyway.

All I asked was "is it true" The Overlord says yeah it's true. Shane keeps trying to come forward because I can feel the tenseness coming to the body because he wants to tell me it's true but he's somewhat in a very shaken state because of No-one.

She thinks it's funny. She said aversion therapy isn't going too well. I do not know who left her in charge of "helping Shane" but it was a bad idea.

So in conclusion, Karen said conclude so I am: There was Satanic ritual, it possibly started the abuse and definitely made it worse because it opened an excuse and another angle to exploit the child (us as a whole). Do we then feel that "church of Satan" is at fault also - definitely. In the 80's there was a big push by the Church of Satan. They recruited people throughout society by different means. They recruited our father through his militant communist activities and that he was an atheist left him susceptible to their brand of indoctrinating people. Couple that with our mother having been a victim of child abuse herself and we became severely abused and sort of brainwashed. Can't say fully brainwashed because we still think it's stupid, believe in God regardless but it did effect our core beliefs and all alters then believing they came "from Hell"

Hang on, I keep seeing what No-one was doing yesterday, in the body but in her mind. That's ridiculous, bordering on psychotic and no wonder she just says to the twins "fine it's all true" Apparently yesterday she was imagining she was visiting the leader of the Satanic Church in his dream, demons dragged him to her, and then she gave him a message that is between her and him because she's blocking what she imaginary said to him. Shane is crying.

The Satanic Temple looks different - looks like a political movement dressed up as a charity to promote political ideals but have tax exemption, somebody is saying. I say if it looks like s#!t smells like s#!t then it is s#it so the temple is different to the church. Church is evil, temple is politics. They help abortions or something which to some is evil I guess but it's not saying "do this ritual" and messing up people in sneeky ways.

Regarding the bf and the laptop. Really do not think it matters if he goes near our laptop, we have nothing to hide on it, but encouraging him round seems like a terrible idea. So what he can put films on our laptop. There's no such thing as a free lunch especially when you're talking about Satanists.

It's funny how he left, Shane came out and started shouting about Satanism. Maybe he did do a ritual, lol, if he did then he got a Southern guy who was raised Christian, what an idiot - sorry that was No-one, I find all of this funny. Who cares. The twins said to me "it's all real" so f it, it's all real. Back to Pat,

So overall votes: parents were Satanists. Latest ex Bf could be one, irrelevant because he's gone. A portion of the blame for our abuse goes to the Church of Satan.

That's the conclusion, hopefully this ends the dealving into the Satanist stuff, we need to work out how to help Shane. Disconnection from past trauma made him cause alot of body tension. No-ones aversion therapy didn't help. Sharing bits of the rituals maybe helped him a bit, to get it off his chest but he needs to learn to relax. We'll think of something.

Pat summerising with input where mentioned.
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