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Feel ignored

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Feel ignored

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Mar 26, 2020 11:45 pm

I feel kind of ignored here alot. I know logically that's not true because I see people reply to things I write.

I don't know, I just feel ignored. Just a feeling.

I suppose I wonder if I'm judged because I don't see a therapist, judged because I just do work on my own, judged because I don't read DID books, judged because sometimes I just say whatever I want, I don't stay really calm like you guys all seem to but maybe that's just me seeing it wrong, judged because my opinions don't come out of books or have refrence to proffessional opinions, judged because I don't trust many proffessional opinions that I hear, maybe I don't present DID how it's supposed to present, maybe I'm not even ignored, maybe my own system ignores me and that's why I feel ignored. I definitely didn't want any of the romantic relationships I've ever been in and they ignored that, I didn't want to do half the stuff "I've done" but they ignore that.

What I would of rather have done is closer to what the twins say they do internally not that I see it I just hear stories. That they make money online, they even claim to have invented bitcoin, run cartels, run businesses, launder money, topple governments, work with the black hand, took over the black hand, gave the black hand to someone else to run, run crime in this country, influence alkieda, stole Tec and are behind WowWay - I dunno how to spell it, the twins say it's called wowwey because when they realised what they could do with all the Tec they stole one of them said wow and the other said way. Hawaii - that's how you spell it. They say they are behind alphabet which is Google subsidiary. They caused the avocado thing because it seemed like a good way to smuggle cocaine. They were the one guy who made 7m out of the Swiss Franc crash. Etc. Thats what I would rather was real than everything else I've actually done. I have done alot of stuff, learnt stuff, lived a life but it doesn't really interest me. Living how the twins live internally is much more what I'd find interesting. Which is probably partially why that's their internal life, that plus they are part of us as a whole so they're gonna be into some some of the same stuff.

Anyway forget it. Its probably my misconception that I'm ignored or its because I am ignored by my system because it's easy to project out something that is inside, people do it all the time.

On another note I felt incredibly jealous and resentful of literally everything earlier. Jealousy was suppressed when young. Being jealous of the mother, the mother causing jealousy between me and my sister, that was all part of my abuse. So jealousy got supressed.

Maybe that's the purge I feel. Jealousy got let out and I was literally jealous of everything I saw on TV. Till there was this African ballet dancer man, at first I felt jealous but then as I watched I couldn't help but feel happy for him.

Maybe this feeling of being ignored here is tied into the jealousy that's been let loose. Like I think everyone else gets on but I'm ignored and don't fit in so I'm jealous and feel ignored. Could be tied in. I don't usually have feelings about that, group fitting in doesn't bother me but maybe I'm allowing it to bother me. Like I couldn't afford to let it bother me before but now I can or something. Like I can emotionally cope with a feeling of needing to belong where as before needing to belong would mean I'd be a peadophile now and I'd rather kill myself than that.

Could be that. The other day I woke up and felt a real knowing that I'm different from my parents, like I'm safe from being like them which was more of a worry for me than anything they could do or did. So since now I know I'm different to them it's ok to also feel jealousy over other people belonging and to want that.

It's ok to admit out of all the things in life I've tried and all the things different alters imagine I would of rather lived No-one and the twins life. It's ok to admit that. It's ok to feel jealousy and it's ok to want to belong.

I did kind of feel like a comic book villian, like the jealousy and hatred a comic book villian feels which actually made me laugh a little bit. I'm not a comic book villian and I'm not going to blow up the world so I can feel that stuff and that's when it sort of passed and I felt happy for the ballet dancer. I thought about how I did ballet and my mum stopped me once I was getting good at it and I realised I didn't want to be a ballet dancer, like for real it looks great but f that and then I realized actually if I wanted to do anything it'd be all the things the twins talk about. That's a life to get excited about. Any way I felt purged and then I thought "I feel ignored here, I'm just gonna say it" I didn't mean to say all this other stuff but I self analyse so I'm not surprised.

Be safe, stay well,

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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Amythyst » Fri Mar 27, 2020 12:44 am

hi Sara
sorry you feel that way
we sometimes do too
there was alot of neglect for us
so we get really sensitive to being ignored
but sometimes its just that theres alot of stuff going on
people maybe arent ignoring you
just theres only so much they can do and say and stuff
its hard for us to respond sometimes
even tho we read alot
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Rive » Fri Mar 27, 2020 3:43 am

Sorry you feel that way. I try to respond to your posts when I feel there is something I have to say that's useful to anyone. That's not often. I just don't feel like I can relate and therefore add much useful to other people.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby birdsong87 » Fri Mar 27, 2020 8:23 am

we actually don't read most of what you write, but that it not based on judgement of you or how you live your life.
We often skip things because they are long and we don't have the attention span for that. same is true for other people who post long stuff. we also struggle so figure out what is important and what is not, you seem to be reflecting while writing, so you might not know it until later yourself, but that is one thing why we feel low motivation to read what you write. like in this post, we got the start, then the topic started to drift, our mind shut down and just couldn't grasp what you were even trying to say.
A lot of what you write seems very involved with the inside world and since that is yours we feel like there should be a boundary, we never read it when people continuously share intense details of inner life. We just don't think that is ours to know or engage with. We don't have the memory capacity to keep up with the story line either.
we have also found it difficult to answer because 1) your experience seems very different from ours and we have nothing to say 2) you just shared something and we don't see how to add something to that or 3) we can't figure out what it is that you need from a response.

I am telling you this not to put you down in any way. I don't judge anything. There are just elements within the communication that make it really hard for us to follow, so we kind of gave up. Especially the last point, not knowing what you even need from a response, confuses us. It would help us if what you wrote was less of a stream on conciousness and more clear in expressing the problem and the question.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Allcoulors » Fri Mar 27, 2020 8:30 am

I always read what you all post but can not always relate so i dont reply . It has nothing to do with judgment or you giving yourself treatment or that kind of thing.

Whe have periods where we cant write english so that can be a problem. Sometimes reading is difficult,not only in english but in general . So also many many reasons that have nothing tot do with you. I often want to ask you all something but because of this i never do. Or when i try i stop halfway because i switched or zoned out already again or even forgot what i wanted to ask.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:42 pm

Amythyst wrote:hi Sara
sorry you feel that way
we sometimes do too
there was alot of neglect for us
so we get really sensitive to being ignored
but sometimes its just that theres alot of stuff going on
people maybe arent ignoring you
just theres only so much they can do and say and stuff
its hard for us to respond sometimes
even tho we read alot


That makes sense. Being ignored as a child was good for me so I liked it, not coming on the radar meant less abuse. I think for me actually not wanting to be ignored is a new thing.

Thanks for letting me know you read and telling me some times it's difficult to respond.
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No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:44 pm

Rive wrote:Sorry you feel that way. I try to respond to your posts when I feel there is something I have to say that's useful to anyone. That's not often. I just don't feel like I can relate and therefore add much useful to other people.


I feel like you're the only one who does regularly not ignore me, if that makes sense. Like when I wrote it I was thinking except Rive, she does usually say something to me. Thanks Rive.

-- Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:53 pm --

Allcoulors wrote:I always read what you all post but can not always relate so i dont reply . It has nothing to do with judgment or you giving yourself treatment or that kind of thing.

Whe have periods where we cant write english so that can be a problem. Sometimes reading is difficult,not only in english but in general . So also many many reasons that have nothing tot do with you. I often want to ask you all something but because of this i never do. Or when i try i stop halfway because i switched or zoned out already again or even forgot what i wanted to ask.


Thanks Allcolours, it is good to be told there isn't judgement. That was bugging me, I feel like the odd one out with no therapist and still not particularly wanting one. So it means alot to hear there's not judgement on that. Thanks.
Monte Carlo or Bust
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Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Mar 27, 2020 1:51 pm

birdsong87 wrote:we actually don't read most of what you write, but that it not based on judgement of you or how you live your life.
We often skip things because they are long and we don't have the attention span for that. same is true for other people who post long stuff. we also struggle so figure out what is important and what is not, you seem to be reflecting while writing, so you might not know it until later yourself, but that is one thing why we feel low motivation to read what you write. like in this post, we got the start, then the topic started to drift, our mind shut down and just couldn't grasp what you were even trying to say.
A lot of what you write seems very involved with the inside world and since that is yours we feel like there should be a boundary, we never read it when people continuously share intense details of inner life. We just don't think that is ours to know or engage with. We don't have the memory capacity to keep up with the story line either.
we have also found it difficult to answer because 1) your experience seems very different from ours and we have nothing to say 2) you just shared something and we don't see how to add something to that or 3) we can't figure out what it is that you need from a response.

I am telling you this not to put you down in any way. I don't judge anything. There are just elements within the communication that make it really hard for us to follow, so we kind of gave up. Especially the last point, not knowing what you even need from a response, confuses us. It would help us if what you wrote was less of a stream on conciousness and more clear in expressing the problem and the question.


That makes sense. I can't always read long bodies of text. I think that's why I miss Floralie too, because we talked about inner world stuff quite a bit. There was a degree of being able to follow eachothers inner worlds. But I get that it's difficult to do that.

Also yes, most of the time I think parts of my system use the forum to just reflect or to leave a note for other parts of this system. Like even I saw the post I wrote and thought "oh yeah, our eldest son" so I remembered to call him quicker than I would of if they hadn't wrote it here. I would of remembered but not as quick. So yeah probably alot of what parts of this system write isn't necessarily wanting a response. It's just my feeling ignored I can't speak for other parts of me regarding this.

Personally I think it's just needing to be aknowledged I need, again I can't speak for other parts of my system.

Thanks for feedback.
Monte Carlo or Bust
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Batcho and Fortune (twins), Paul and Lilly,
No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby Allcoulors » Fri Mar 27, 2020 2:33 pm

Do you have a journey thread? Maybe that helps? Or is it hard to find for all parts?. I know that would be my problem probably.

Other people can write to you in there then so you dont feel sad or left out or ignored.
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Re: Feel ignored

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:19 pm

birdsong expressed what I would have wanted to say. It seems like many of your posts are for your own reflection or for other parts in your system to read and understand, and not necessarily directed at someone outside, or asking for a particular response.

I'm impressed by how much writing you do and how much you're exploring and trying to understand your system. I just can't focus on reading and absorbing so much information about the interior workings of someone else's system, especially when there isn't much that directly relates to my experience.

So there's no negative judgement--except sometimes toward myself, for feeling like I should be able to read everything everyone writes and not skip over anything. :roll:
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