Quarentine

I know what's going on with me at the moment. The virus and quarentine measures have woken up the twins. They get excited and when nothing happens they will be disappointed. I'm fighting for the body with them because them being in the body doesn't work out well for the mind. It's a constant fight.

Lilly obviously lost control and they woke up. I need to get control back of the body but nothing really achieves that other than a hospital visit once they've woken up. They feel safe in a hospital physically but they know they have to go away because they are actually psychotic. So they go to sleep and everything goes back to normal. I'm going to try herbal calming tablets because that's the only meds I have that might send them back to sleep.

Wish me Luck,

Patrick

They hid the tablets. They are not with the other herbal stuff. I looked all over. I found some essential oils that supposed to calm the mind. They got me writing one of the books "the wolf clan" which is about Romany Gypsy family escaping the hollacost and living in the blackforest. I only got to the bit where I'm trying to trick Roses Dad into letting me marry her. I've used different names. Vlad the Impaler escapes out of Hell at some point but I haven't even got to the blackforest bit yet. Death is in it too and wolves and some other stuff. We all know the story in the system but never written it down. Writing it is soooo long. Vlads gonna be chapters away. Anyway writing seems to be helping keep a lid on them - the twins. Company shut our work so we're stuck in could be till June. "Laid off but still employed" and getting paid something so it could be worse. Having a drink, soft drink, and going back to writing.

Pat.

Hi Patrick,

The herbal remedy sounds like a good idea, if it's safe and keeps you all calm. Good luck.

MDs

Thanks MDs

I'm writing this here because it happened whilst in quarentine.

I think there is another alter. This is the best as I can make the day out. Pat wrote some of one of the books, a chapter. Then it was dinner. At some point of when I was cooking dinner there was a shift. I noticed I was swearing more than Pat, was more aggressively spoken, not aggressive as such in a threatening way I just felt more aggressive and my tone was more aggressive.

I was writing differently on line. I was writing about suicide and how I don't think it's wrong but I'm not suicidal. Personally, I and I believe quite a few others in the system object to suicide because of my aunt trying to kill herself when I was a child. But I was writing that it's personal choice. I also said some other things that were not usual for me or Pat but the alter was saying they were Pat.

Then something made me realise it definitely wasn't Pat and it was Shane. But I've never heard of Shane, don't know who he is and he didn't feel like a personna of the Overlord because he was stronger in feeling than one of the personas and had a depth.

I'm not sure when Shane left but he's left. I can't feel him. I also feel like the twins are definitely gone and I'm alone no other alters except No-one because I have a slight lisp and my hands are trembling but she's not overwhelming me, she just here. I should ask her about Shane.

She said Shane's a psycho. But he hasn't done anything weird. Like took the body and been a psycho. I don't need to worry about him. Shane is a flitter. He might flit in and out occasionally but that's it.

I feel like I need to know something about him that I could connect to from childhood or something because I have nothing. With all the others it was an "oh yeah I forgot about that part of me" moment but with Shane it's just "who's Shane" I had to write him down here or I'd forget. I feel like I need to know something Shane has externally done so I can connect to him somehow. I keep seeing knives. Knives being heated up. That is ringing a bell because I've seen that as an image in my head before - knives being heated but it's an internal image not something he did outside. It's a large kitchen knife with a black handle, the one that was at my childhood house. It's not being heated on a stove. It's being heated on a fire. It's still not making sense and it doesn't feel like an outside memory. I can see me squatting heating that knife over a fire. I touch it to my forearm to feel the heat of it. It's night time. Hot knives cut into cold earth easier. There's nobody else around I think. I'm cutting into the earth, a square, and digging out the square shaped earth from the ground. It still doesn't feel like an outside memory. I think I'm going to stop. Maybe it's just what he's doing internally now. He's not wearing clothes I think I've ever had but he looks like me when I was younger with a ponytail despite being male.

So I woke up today and I want to go to try to get chicken. I don't have any meat in the house except sausages and some meat. It felt like I was definitely going to go to a shop when I woke up and cook roast if I get any meat and write more.

Then I saw in my mind's eye, not hallucination, Shane standing at the window looking out holding s knife. He turned and said in my mind "you're not going anywhere, you can make roast potatoes, veg and sausages" I felt like I was being held hostage, that was the feeling but I've actually been tied up and held hostage in real life so I don't feel like that, sort of panic and resolve or I'm getting out of here. I feel sort of relaxed but held hostage which isn't the real feeling of hostage but it's an alter holding me hostage not and outside person so it's not the same. Then a child's voice, like when a child calls up the stairs said "mum Shane's not letting us go to the shop" I responded to the child but the child said "you're not mum" and shouted "mum" again.

It feels like when the twins start discussing privately. I know they are discussing about the going to the shop or not but I can't hear them. But I know if I don't go along with whatever they decide they will metaphorically "wrestle" me to the ground and out of the body.

I don't want to be auto-piloted, I picked up a sense that they were considering it and told them just tell me how you want this and we'll do that. So Shane came back still with the knife and said "we can drive to a couple of shops. If they look too busy were not going in" Which seems fair because more people = more chance of catching the virus and he is right, I do have sausages. And a chicken pie in the freezer, I just remembered.

If it was an ordinary situation I'd fight against whoever this lot of alters are but it's not an ordinary situation so I'm going to join them because also at the moment I don't believe I could beat them anyway. Nobody would help me, I'd need other alters to help me and they are all big on staying in right now because they say the virus is at peak transmission at the moment here getting it now would be bad because the hospitals if needing one will be over crowded by the time it got to that. They're discussing which shop is most likely to have less people.

I don't even feel like I want to bother now.

It just occurred to me while writing on another post a possibility with Shane and whoever he's with. A different internal world. It's a theory.

To me the main internal world gets shown as a whole. Karen, Pat and Rose etc live together except the twins and the overlord. But I was writing on another post and I was thinking about Karen.

I visted Karen's internal world in a dream. When I'm consciously shown where Karen lives in the internal world it's along the coast but I saw her world in a dream and she was being chased around it, flying a broomstick, trying to hide with friends. Her house looked the same but the rest of it was not the usual main internal world I've seen consciously.

She lives in a witch internal world. It's only witches. The witches have humans in this world they help or are humans in this world. Karen is our witch, other witches don't come to this system or body. Beth is a hedge witch healer but not a witch like Karen.

So Karen has a whole different internal world but part of that world, her house and a small amount of land around it, is part of my main internal world. The rest of Karen's world is not in the main internal world.

I haven't heard of Shane and he has people with him, at least a child probably a sibling and a mother.

There are parts I know of in my system that love stuff like "the purge" (the twins who's world is like a computer game, they shape it however they like and I know they have a zombie section as well as mountains to snow board in). Lilly loves the idea appocalypse but faced with quarentine is completely rational once she concluded that it's looking a bit like a world problem. There's a part that's called Sarah, the body name, I'm not supposed to mention her but I am, she's never taken another name and lives with an isolated tribe where they are not "allowed silly hats" she has that rule and she lives there because she prefers isolation. She came in the body briefly as we went into crisis in July and was very concerned about her tribe, she left Paul there while she was in the body so I thought she was Lilly but she isn't but she did say Paul is her brother. As we went into complete crisis and "the world blew up" the overlord moved her tribe into a bubble in space with enough food and water, she doesn't care about the world as it is and thinks her tribe would be a better population but they don't speak English, she taught them sign and she doesn't like to speak so it's thumbs up or thumbs down. And everyone just eats and sleeps and doesn't bother any one and just puts their thumbs up. Occasionally down but they fight if it's thumbs down.

So I was thinking it's entirely possible I have an entire post appocalyptic world internally and Shane etc comes from there. Lilly lost control of the body because of trying to get the bf to quarentine to the twins. Pat couldn't fully take back over the body but he did quieten everyone down. At some point Shane came and pretended to be Pat but I so much know how each alter feels now and how they speak that I knew it wasn't Pat. He was pretending to be Pat so as not to upset me.

I keep being shown my old record bag. It was a "black market" record bag. It's in the garage of my old house. I left it there with a BB gun in it after I ran away one night. It's then skipping to when the bag was discovered. I had told my sister I had something that would annoy my parents in a record bag in the garage so she told them and said I must be pregnant and have a pregnancy test hidden in the bag. As they opened it I realised I would be in trouble. At the time I couldn't hear this but now they're showing me or letting me hear the internal dialogue or part of it. "$#%^ the **** (word is blanked out)" No-one is saying it. "Don't worry Shane hid it" the twins are replying. Then I got in trouble because I had a BB gun in a bag and I'd been missing for hours the previous night but it felt like 30mins and I thought I went home after I freaked out because I nearly shot a fox that jumped out of a bush at me. So I just got in trouble except I didn't because the father didn't care. He commented on how heavy it was and gave it back to the person I stole it from. I thought I was only gone for about 30mins.

Now I just keep seeing No-one running. And Shane cutting a square in the ground with a knife. There was people around the fire but they were drunk and high. They were gone by the time Shane came back with the knife, the fire was out but the ground was still hot enough to heat up the knife with so I don't know why he kept showing me him heating it in an actual fire. I know there was people having a fire in the field that night. Shane puts something into the ground, a carrier bag inside another carrier bag I think, and then puts the turf back exactly as it was.

Then I'm in the car with the bf by my old house looking down the alley towards where that field was. I feel tearful. No-one felt tearful. She's thinking what a waste. And then the twins say "don't worry we moved it" but they don't say where and No-one is arguing with them about what they did with her money and they said you're never gonna believe what we did with your money. And now No-one is standing Infront of the garage where I used to work next to a Trident van with her hands on her hips not believing them telling the twins to stop f'in with her. And Shane is laughing at me but now he's gone back to looking out the same window but I'm not even in that room. And he's looking back laughing saying it was 1995 and he's back looking out the window again. I dunno if it was 1995 that night he was cutting up turf etc. But it probably was because that's when I bought that record bag. I loved that bag, it was quite expensive. I was with a load of guys in black market records in London, the guys from the ##### estate or it might have been guys from """" no I went to steal sweets off a stall with the guys from Prngr and I didn't have any money that day that's why we stole sweets and jumped buses. It definitely wasn't when I was with the guys from ---- because one of thrm got stabbed that day but nobody noticed till we got home and his mum told someone because there was about 30 of us that day and there was definitely only a few of us in the shop, like 4. And those guys loved buying records, I just bought a bag. I did go to London alot during the day from 1994 -1995 because I couldn't go to clubs then. By 1996/1997 I was going to London at night clubbing. Anyway I loved that bag and I kinda wish I still had it.

If Shane did bury something in the night and that's the only outside memory - he just said "you don't want any of the others, trust me" then I guess I'll have to accept it, I trust him that I don't want any of the others. If that's his best memory then I agree I don't want any of the others.

I can ask him where he comes from internally I guess seeing as we have a dialogue.

Written by host. Edited by Pat. Shane doesn't have any real doing things outside memory other than trauma so if this is an actual outside memory, which I'm not saying it is it it isn't then it's the best you're gonna get out of Shane. Now he's telling me other stuff and I have to say "that's a bad outside memory Shane" because he doesn't realise it's bad and traumatic and abuse so it's better while Shane is about to just live in the moment, he's ok, he won't hurt self or others but he will tell you stuff you don't want to know. Shane's Mum, also called "Karen" but it's Caryn.

From a personal perspective I feel very angry. My son was abused by the hosts parents. I'm trying to grasp that I'm an alter but it's difficult. The hosts parents abused my son and now we have to help look after her. I don't mind that but I do mind that they just got away with it. But I can't get annoyed because that upsets Shane so I have to stay calm for him and Carly. Carly is my younger child. I have to go. Caryn

It's very difficult this quarentine with the host so aware now of parts and switches in and out. I knew she was going to be the most difficult during this. She'll want to just go out but the rest of us don't. Shane

I'm sorry I'm making it difficult for you. I don't want to make it difficult. When I feel a different alter I want to get to know them and feel connected because to me they are a part of me as much as they also feel like not a part of me and say they aren't, they're seperate, in the body but not of the body.

I'm sorry for what happened to you Shane. I'm crying and he's saying "don't worry about it" It's a really odd disorder this. How do you make connection with "yourself" when "yourself" says "I'm not you" and you can see they are not you but you logically know it's your brain so they must be you.

Now someone just said "Hi I'm Emma" which I did often think I must have an alter called Emma because it was a fake name I gave in a police station. She giggled and said "yeah that was me" she's about ten.

I fell asleep. It was a beautiful sleep with some beautiful dreams. I think the dreams were a bit scary really. I wasn't going to share but maybe I will. No I won't. Anyway.

Then I got woken up because the bf who is out saying he'd gonna volunteer to help isolated people, he's still working so we're not letting him in our quarentined house, said there's chicken and some freezer stuff at the shop.

Anyway it's not that I wanted to write about here. Shane's internal life story as an adult is that he was in the American Army. He killed some children by accident and then because he felt so awful about it he killed himself.

He says he was sent from Hell to help me. The twins love Hell so I'm not really bothered by this. He says he's sent from Hell on a mission by God. Again doesn't bother me. He said that.. this is where it kind of goes into the stories of the books the twins are writing but I've not had anyone "sent from Hell" they usually just say they went to Hell and it fits into one of their past lives stories because some of them have had more than one past life. So that's all that's different. His mission is to do with - not a fight between heaven and hell, something about them uniting because of the world. I dunno why that means he's here making me not eat cheeseburgers but he is. He said Hell is changing or heaven is changing the rules. People aren't supposed to know about it because they are people and don't need to know. But a guy who accidentally kills civilians in war and kills himself over it because he feels so bad won't go to Hell anymore. They all being "let out" a d he's here as an alter to help me because Lilly had to go elsewhere.

That's nothing. The weird bit was when he started telling me about music that's made in Hell, everyone has that concept I think but he said it's not just heavy metal and that. Then he pulled over to find a CD to listen to. The CD was ###$ and then he kind of - it was imaginary that's why I say kind of - passed a gun down to someone in Hell so somebody would force the Devil, I'm guessing the Devil but it might not be because apparently Hell has a while music department, to make the scratched up CD play, the radio was annoying him. So that was the most weird. The closest I've come before to any kind of in body imaginary life experience was when Sarah who just lives with a tribe alone came to work and then decided it was Hell and she was spending the day making music. Apparently heaven doesn't make very good music. They wait for people to make music for them. Which sounds kinda lazy really.

But other than that I've only had these imaginary life in body experiences when in hospital. It lasts a few days and I put it down to the twins but clearly other alters do it too really. I know why it is. It's because I had to have a really good imagination as a child to survive so occasionally I go into imagination still as an adult.

There's no Bananas left. That upset Shane. Other than that it's been ok.

The dream was the modern version of Dracula or Vlad the Impaler, stroking and tapping my neck but not sucking my blood. I wanted him to because I knew it felt so good but he didn't and then I was kissing him. And then the call woke me up. It felt like a really lovely dream but obviously it's also a bit creepy and scary said out loud but it was lovely dream, I haven't had a lovely vivid dream like that for ages.

Host plus Shane.

So I would think I'm the host but then I realized the host doesn't pretend to be "Mrs Bumble" the school teacher because she has to teach children at home. So I realised I'm the overlord. I heard about what Paul said. Peter is just a personna and he's still calling me OL. I wasn't trying to take on that personna, I just realized that the OL isn't very friendly and Peter is much more personable.

The younger child liked me saying "I'm Mrs Bumble" the older one didn't so I stopped saying it but told the younger one we can still pretend schools so he's still calling Miss and the teenager is doing her work. I just wanted to make the whole stuck in doors more fun. Also if I'm not Mrs Bumble the school teacher how can I teach anything? Anyway...

I don't think the host was coping very well with Shane's level of anger. He's just sitting there with a knife cutting it on a stick.

He was watching a TV show last night that I like. He doesn't know me or like me but I said can I watch and he said yeah. His little sister was getting frightened. It was a supernatural show so he sent her to bed and me and him watched it.

His level of anger is effecting me also to be fair. Mrs Bumble doesn't get annoyed but I can feel impatience so I can see how the host wasn't coping with it. Literally feels like he's wound like a spring, like he'd smash everything up and still have energy left to carry on smashing stuff.

Maybe he does need to talk about stuff. He said stfu but he hasn't stopped me typing which is what kept happening to the host. She dissociated because she was trying to chat online about trauma and couldn't cope and then Shane didn't like it. Ok.

Stay well,

Peter (Over lord)

There hasn't been remembered dreams in this system since the police man guy said "you might of dreamt it all"

Dreams started up again when Shane showed up. They have been nice.

Last night I had a dream about something to do with numbers, I only remember the number 18, anyway when I woke up I realised "I'm not like my parents" This was a feeling, belief, a knowing on a level I hadn't had. I used to tell myself it and hope it was true but this morning it was a feeling, it was different.

I just had a nap, there's been daily naps.

I had a dream about playing cards. I realised a second important thing. Writing the books has been an inner friction. I thought it was because Beth was worried about upsetting people or the ethics of it was a problem or something important like that. Anyway as I woke up what I realised the main system concern was is "what if they are successful. What we do if we made alot of money" If it's buy a house and live ok money that's not a problem but the worry was what if it's alot of money. As I woke up I realised we'd just spend it all on ourselves. Have a pool, have a ball pond room, video games room that type of thing. And now it's not an issue or barrier to writing. There's nothing to worry about.

Then I realized as a little of each of the books are written that system info and trauma stuff gets released too. So when the twins said they were "money laundering" that's what they meant. They didn't mean literally. They meant it as a metaphor for: the writing is washing out the mind. They only ever talk in metaphor.

So Shane helped, may he rest in metaphorical peace because as an alter he's dead, and the dreaming has helped to sort stuff out.

Angry at that police man for saying "what if you dreamed it" I haven't had remembered dreams since then. And that's really bad. A person needs to dream. I'm really really angry at him. Not for not listening to me but because he caused me to stop dreaming in a way I could remember. People ought to be more careful what they say to people. That insensitive c word. Host

I want to guess my back story and why if the OL or Peter comes back can he please confirm or deny.

I remember "arriving" in the body at about the body age of 4 or 5. I was Karen Carpenter in a past life and the twins said I had been in Hell because I starved myself to death which is basically suicide. That although I can sing, which I can to a reasonable standard because people comment and tell me I sing nicely when I sing karaoke and I won a very small competition once but not the finals because my voice cracked as I looked at the judges and my throat closed up, I can't be a singer in this body because I will take the body and host who I thought was Beth but it isn't, down a road of ruin again.

My first memory in the body, that didn't happen in "Hell" which I now know as the childhood abuse suffered by the body and myself when present was: standing singing Infront of the father and the abusive uncle (mother's brother) I was singing a Karen Carpenter song and they were telling me "you have to sing from the heart" and "you have to sing from the pit of your stomach" and I felt very intimidated and under threat. Then a thought popped into my head "they're idiots. They don't know what they are talking about. You were Karen Carpenter" which was Fortune, one of the twins and she told me I mustn't sing because I'll loose my heart and my stomach will be empty again. But I could sing in the shower for fun and anywhere for fun. At 11-13 body age I had friends who I would walk around the streets, sit in parks, sit in their houses and just sing and sing with them. I really enjoy singing. Smoking ruins the voice but the twins kind of see that as an up side to smoking.

I was or the body was about 4 or 5 when singing and being told how to sing. That's when I think the twins formed me as a whole part who could sing and be happy and friendly and I have done alot of things growing up as a part in this body. I met Beth in the body when we were in the school playground at about age 8. She was playing with a girl called Karen, Beth's name was Sarah then, and I said to Beth that she couldn't play with that girl because Karen was my name and if we had to be called Sarah which was her name then we couldn't have friends called Karen. She changed her name to Beth, she was really nice about it, and then said we both aren't Sarah then. I had a friend called Karen as a teenager, I got over the name thing because of Beth. The teenage years were more No-ones years but we all still got out and had our own friends. I'm still here now.

So I think my purpose started off as being ok to sing without being intimidated or feeling like I had to be proffessional at it. Then it developed because I am happy and friendly and then as we started to have consensual sex I became an alter not triggered by it.

That's the interpretation of myself. If you get a chance and know anything please let me know OL because I'm not frightened of becoming a fragment and my essence becoming something that lives in the body like what happened with Shane. My knowledge base isn't that large to over load the brain, it's psychology and loving life so I think I could do what Shane did maybe if it helps and is possible?

Thanks,

Karen

PS oldest son is ill. Having a migraine like when I died, numb down one side but he's ok which I think is what triggered me out or someone pushed me out when they heard his symptoms because at first they thought he was saying he had Corona but it's not that.