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Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby littleDaria » Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:06 am

Ponyta wrote:

By the way, do any other systems have a file room (or just us)? I mean our file room is huge. I'm just estimating, but I would say some of the file cabinets are 20 feet tall or more. AND they're A LOT of them. Didn't count them, but I would say in the hundreds or more. 95% of the cabinets are locked. I can't access them. It seems some others can, but I'm not allowed. Not yet, anyway. I used to only be able to see a few files. But a few days ago, the protector (in charge of the file room) gave me permission to view some more. The interesting thing is, these files are in video form.


UGH! Why am I so heart-wrenchingly sad? I wish I knew why. No one will reply. Is it just me who's sad? I don't think so. I think others are too. But why won't they at least answer me? I honestly care.


We have a memory cabinet our therapist helped us build where we store things we aren't ready to deal with.

Wish we could help with the sadness but we're dealing with something similar, a wave of dread from within.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby MakersDozn » Thu Jul 02, 2020 12:46 am

We have a file room (a library with shelves but no seating).

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Multiple self-dxed 1996. Body 58f. System of 47: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (7+under), 9 middles (8-11), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+up), + a formless yin/yang. Oldest member is 25.

Notable: Charity 25, Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Thu Jul 02, 2020 6:15 pm

Thank you littleDaria, and MDs for your reply. We greatly appreciate it!

littleDaria wrote:Wish we could help with the sadness but we're dealing with something similar, a wave of dread from within.


Sorry to hear that. :( We hope things improve for all of you soon!




------------------------

Well I managed to find out why the others were so sad. I'm sad now. I'll maybe get around to writing about it later. Something happened in the inner world.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Fri Jul 03, 2020 1:24 am

Probably don't need this, but, Possible trigger warning due to blaming myself (wording) for what happened (others merging)

I'm sad. I feel like it was my fault. Apparently a bunch of them decided to merge. A bunch merged with Blackout and Utopia. :(

I'm very worried now. This was completely unexpected. Supposedly those people were all in agreement. Why didn't anyone tell me before? I don't want to lose any of them.

I was told, by one of the protectors, that this is for the best (even if I don't see it now). I'm torn. Very torn.

Being that I decided to merge with a bunch of fragments before this, maybe I'm to blame. I feel it's my fault anyway. I'm so sad.

I even said that if this is what progress is, then I don't want it. The protector didn't know what to say about that. He was quiet for awhile, but then said that I'll eventually see that it was for the best. He claims that's what they wanted. He asked me if he saw how much happier those two (Blackout and Utopia) were now. Not yet, but I feel horrible about the merging happening in the first place.

I still question if my decision was the right one, even though I feel better than I did.

So many unanswered questions. Why did this happen? I don't understand. The worst part being that I don't want to lose any of them.

That protector told me though that I wasn't the only one who was fragmented. He claimed that Blackout and Utopia were too. I don't know. Right now, I'm just very sad. :(

There's a lingering dread that something else is going to happen.


Is it true this is for the best, or is it just some made up story to make me feel better? BECAUSE right now it most certainly doesn't feel good. :(


UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :(

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? OH and I feel the others are still up to something. Once renovations were done, I could see the inner world clearly. BUT now, It's near impossible for me to see anything. They are literally blocking me for some reason. I had to scream "Hello! Why isn't anyone answering me?" into the inner world, last night, to even get anyone to answer me. They apologized. So they know stuff is happening. They don't want to worry me, BUT not knowing is worrying me EVEN MORE! :(


Worst part is.....................I feel it is all my fault! (feel like crying now, been feeling like that since I heard the news. I really did cry about it earlier.)
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby littleDaria » Fri Jul 03, 2020 2:12 am

Did the fact that this merge came as a surprise make matters worse?

As for blaming yourself, it seems to me that blaming oneself is like a default setting for trauma survivors?
The Ohana Autonomous Collective
Daria (system age 17-23) (bio age: 50f) [NOT the Original]
Pixie (Fairy) | Ligella (Vampire) | Aloysius (60) | Snow (18) | | Mona (17)
Niki (15) | Naomi (14) | Mal (12) | Simon (11) Evora (9) | Willow (9) |
Ophelia (8) | Alia (6) | Denise (4) [possibly original] | Aura (3) | Newt (2/3) | Boo (2)
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Fri Jul 03, 2020 4:18 am

Thank you for your reply! :)

littleDaria wrote:Did the fact that this merge came as a surprise make matters worse?



For me (myself) it made it worse being a surprise. As for the others, from what that one protector said, they may have known it was coming. He knew anyway. He told me so. BUT as for me, it came as a surprise and well, I'm sad about it. :( I feel that I could've talked them out of it.

Maybe it's for the best. I just don't feel like it is right now. PAL (that's the "name" of the protector that told me, although it's an acronym, not really his real name). Anyway, PAL said he saw it coming. So it seems they are keeping secrets from me.

Why that is, I have no clue.


Something weird is happening. I don't like this. Things were getting better, now it seems some kind of chain reaction was triggered.

Before I began typing this, about 30 min ago (or so), I had another horrible feeling of sadness. I so don't want to know what happened now.

I'm feeling sooooooooooooooooooo sad. What is going on? It must be from my trauma that I'm blaming myself, BUT I so feel like it's my fault right now. :(


How is merging progress? We all agreed at first that we didn't want this. What changed? Why are they doing this? I don't understand. Being that I made the first decision to, I feel it's my fault. I didn't want the others to do the same. I mean, if it is for the best (it's good), BUT still, I don't want to lose any of them. That's what's tearing me apart.

I just hollered for PAL. I asked him what happened. He said that I don't want to know. So :( that's not good. I'll admit I was kinda mean to him when he told me the news about Blackout and Utopia. I told him that he shouldn't have told me, despite me asking. BUT then I back-tracked and thanked him. I think I'm just in shock, and just very very sad from this. PAL understands at least. He did tell me that it won't affect my closest inner friends so I hope he's telling the truth about that. Supposedly it's only affecting the fragmented ones. Not 100% sure what that means. A lot of the ones who merged seemed to be more than fragments to me, unless I'm mistaken.

I just hope this stops soon. It's depressing me. Maybe it's for the best, but all at once (a few days apart). WHAT!?

I get that the worlds coming together is a good thing (as nothing is lost in the merge). BUT the inner world people merging? I feel completely different about that. I don't know. Hopefully I can get some answers from PAL. I feel him standing nearby. He must know I need to talk to him.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sun Jul 05, 2020 7:53 pm

Things seem to have settled down for now. The inner world protests stopped. Things seem to be getting better.

Yes, there was a lot of merging lately. Still not 100% sure what to think about that, but I'm beginning to see what PAL was talking about.


Things seem to be getting better, but I don't know yet. There's a weird feeling "in the air". Maybe just worry? I don't know.

At least I can see the inner world A lot more clear again. PAL said the block is lifting.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby sleepingwolf » Tue Jul 07, 2020 7:50 pm

It sounds like really good news that things have calmed down a bit for you all. It sounds challenging too, we're wishing you the very best with it all.

We relate to that 'worry' feeling, the 'in the air'. We can feel that way quite a lot too. It's a good sign that you are aware and present and feeling connected. The clarity sounds like good news too! We love clarity, its so so nice and so so important.

Wishing you all the very best :)

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Wed Jul 08, 2020 9:41 pm

sleepingwolf wrote:It sounds like really good news that things have calmed down a bit for you all. It sounds challenging too, we're wishing you the very best with it all.

We relate to that 'worry' feeling, the 'in the air'. We can feel that way quite a lot too. It's a good sign that you are aware and present and feeling connected. The clarity sounds like good news too! We love clarity, its so so nice and so so important.

Wishing you all the very best :)

Andromeda
(and All)


Thank you all so much! We greatly appreciate your kind words, Andromeda! :)
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Thu Jul 09, 2020 10:06 pm

Hey everyone- well things were improving. However- we have a problem now.

Our "main" host is very depressed. She ran off in our world somewhere. We have a search team looking for her- even as I type this. The search team is reporting back to me at various intervals. As of the latest update- she went into the "Wolf" forest. They're friendly to those they welcome- she was welcomed by them before. She's friends with them- so hopefully everything will be alright. It hampers the search team a little however. They don't want to intrude on their land- without permission.
I believe I know what caused this. Our host became very upset with what our therapist said. She was fine before we went there- then well- this happened. Our host was acting very strange before she ran off. I've been out almost all day (since she ran off)- although some of the others have been helping me at various points. We're very worried that she might fragment again. Last time she did- she was acting strange. Well- she's definitely acting strange. She keeps broadcasting extreme sadness- at times- as well. We're worried.

-Weirdo
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