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Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jun 06, 2020 1:19 am

Why did I write again?

So sad. Don't know what is wrong. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. :(

Why must we have inner turmoil? Why can't we all just get along? So far this problem is getting worse.

I shouldn't of told some of the others what happened. Now the situation with Garrett.....and his friends.....became escalated. I feel it's all my fault. I'm trying to fix the issues......not make more.

UGH! I feel awful. I didn't know that would cause more problems. At least that didn't happen before......as far as I remember.

What is going on? UGH! :(

I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I don't know why we can't all just get along. That would be so nice if we could get along. I'm feeling really discouraged right now.

There is a really weird feeling though. It's almost as if these troublemakers want me to feel that way. I don't know why I have that feeling. Maybe it is their tactic? Or maybe I'm just very confused right now. I don't know.

All I know is......this is a major mess right now. I'm still having problems with other troublemakers.....but these guys are far worse right now. :(

Once again......what is going on? I feel beyond crazy. I don't know what is wrong with me. I tried to deescalate the situation. All I did was make it worse. UGH! I don't understand.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jun 06, 2020 10:18 pm

I'm really confused about something now. I don't know.....I feel like "Unknown" (one of Garrett's friends) like me. Well.....I originally thought they all hated me.....but Unknown came over today. He motioned for me to come over to him.

His words were, "I dig your style." Then he said "That's all." He left before I could even say anything. I'm not even sure what that means exactly. I understand the part where he said, "That's all." Basically that meant the conversation was over. The first part about my style was confusing though. Not sure what he was talking about. I mean.....I don't think it was my outfit.....but maybe. I just feel that's not what he meant.

He came back over a little later (maybe about three minutes or so) and threw some kind of round orb at me. I caught it by reflex. It shocked me. I dropped it.....but it didn't hit the floor. It went back to him. He said, "Perfect. You'll be thanking me later." Then he left.

What!? Whatever the thing was.....that I caught....made me feel weird in the head for a few moments. I'm so confused. What happened? I don't know what he's doing. I'm so confused. He keeps leaving before I can even respond to him.

Honestly though.....maybe he's leaving so fast because he doesn't want Garrett or Rockit to know he's talking to me. I don't know. I'm so confused.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby ArbreMonde » Sun Jun 07, 2020 9:21 am

Sending moral support. I hope you'll find someone to explain things to you very soon. And that everything will settle down.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath|Pride} (sub-system) | @ Saul @ .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sun Jun 07, 2020 7:39 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:Sending moral support. I hope you'll find someone to explain things to you very soon. And that everything will settle down.

--Zami--



Thank you! :) :) :)
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:42 am

Ok. So I found out something really unexpected today. I'm not going to say who (in our inner world) told me.....because certain protectors aren't happy with me finding this out. I don't want to get the person in trouble. Well......the main reason they (those protectors) aren't happy is because of the troublemakers (in general)....using it.

Anyway......I discovered that not only does almost everyone have a cellphone (in our inner world).....but also there is a form of social media as well. I'm not sure if this is common or not. I'm shocked by this discovery.......not sure why though. I already knew there were video games in our inner world.....as well as a bunch of other outer world things.

Anyway.....this (inner world) social media doesn't use your real name (unless of course you want to use it). You get to pick whatever username you want.....unless it's already taken. I saw a few profile names....and would have no clue who they were.....if the person didn't tell me. Well....one I could've made a pretty good guess (although I still wouldn't of been certain). So I can see why the protectors are concerned about this.

Though.....I'm honestly not sure why we have social media in our inner world......especially when almost all of us have cellphones.

In the outer world......I don't like using social media at all.

but

It's strange though. I feel like social media in our inner world is awesome. Like I want to create my own account. But the protectors warned me about it......so I don't know. I do see their point. But on the other hand......what they are claiming could happen other ways too. I explained it to them. At least they understood my point. They told me that they'll actually let this one up to me. They basically agreed to let me use it....as long as I'm careful. So that's cool.


I'm not sure if this will help things or not......but I have a feeling it just might.



Basically just ("confused") rambling below:

Anyway......if it's true what our T claims.....then we shouldn't even have cellphones or social media at all (in our inner world). Or maybe I'm just confused. I never had a cellphone growing up (I really didn't want one)....in fact I didn't even have a computer until I was a teenager (or maybe 12). Never used social media until I was almost 18 (and I didn't even want to use it then either.....that's a whole different story). Basically.....our T claims that whatever we liked the most growing up.....got implemented into the inner world in certain ways. Well if that's the case........then why is it there? I don't understand that at all.

I can see why video games would be there.....but social media (especially) confuses me. Although....I have a satisfying feeling about learning it's there. It's hard to explain.

Also why would I be learning about this now? Although I have been learning that certain things happen in the inner world......for certain reasons I can't explain......which actually have a reason.......most likely to help make things better overall. Now I feel like I'm just rambling.....and probably not even making sense at this point. I better stop thinking too hard about this.....before I end up confusing myself more.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Jun 08, 2020 11:45 am

In my opinion, anything can happen in the Innerworld. If having a social media and cellphones is how your system makes inner communication work, so be it.

Saying "it's not possible that this and that happens in the Innerworld" sounds to me like saying "it's not possible to dream about a pink whale".

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | {Envy} | #Uriel# | {Wrath|Pride} (sub-system) | @ Saul @ .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Tue Jun 09, 2020 11:26 pm

Thank you Zami! That makes a lot of sense. :)

-------------------------------------------

Today is really quiet so far. Not sure why. By quiet.....I mean....no troublemakers came around. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean.....it's good they aren't bothering me.......but I'm actually worried why. It probably doesn't make sense. They don't believe me......but I care about all of my personalities (including the troublemakers). I hope they are alright.

As for the other group......I haven't heard from them lately. Wonder what's going on.

I do know that they (both groups) still don't like me. That's lingering in the inner world air. Well....with the exception of Unknown. I have to be careful writing that. Unknown doesn't want Garrett or Rockit to know he's talking to me.....let alone likes me.

I do know Garrett is mean to Unknown. I'm not sure about Rockit.....but I suspect he's just as mean. Unknown told me all about it. I'm glad Unknown trusts me. I actually trust Unknown too. He's not like the other guys.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Wed Jun 10, 2020 8:13 pm

Feeling drained again. I have horrible feelings of denial again. I feel crazy. Was driving myself crazy all night with these feelings. They seemed to come out of nowhere. I wonder who feels this way.

I actually think it's me though. I tend to get these feelings a lot. :(


Plus the inner world is extremely blurry again. Sometimes I can't see anything at all. That's not helping anything. Someone is trying to block me. That was verified. My inner friends are trying to figure this out.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so weak and sad. :(
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jun 13, 2020 3:36 am

I don't know what's going on with our inner world lately. Last night......I tried to enter it......everything was black. It was like all lights were turned off......I couldn't see anything that I wanted to at first.

I had to change my plan. I originally wanted to talk to some of the other guys.....but due to that....I couldn't even see them. BUT......when I looked for Garrett.......I could see him crystal clear. I also could see my inner world cellphone crystal clear. I don't know what is going on with this.

I'm really worried. First the inner world was slightly blurry. Then it got worse.....followed by better.....then slightly blurry again. Now last night......huge areas were totally blacked out. I do know some troublemakers are trying to block me. Some of the protectors verified that. They told me they were trying to solve the problem......well.....for some reason......it seems to be getting worse.

Unless this is some strange way to actually help me with something. Like I said.....I could see Garrett crystal clear.....as well as my phone. Through that phone......I can communicate with almost everyone......at least most of the ones I know about.

The block is strange though. I mean.....it acts strange. Today I could see a lot of my inner friends.....last night though I couldn't.

I'm also having stranger dreams than before. Like there was this guy (who I feel I know.....but yet I don't think I do).......The name though seems familiar. BUT......I honestly feel as if I'm losing my mind. I don't want to assume he is another one of us.......but......it almost felt that way. I don't know. Way too many keep showing up at once lately. I honestly feel as if I'm losing my mind. And with this strange block that keeps coming on at random times......it's making me feel even worse.

I'm scared to tell our T......how many new ones I met.....in the last month. I feel our T will even think I'm crazy. I honestly lost count. I know it was at least 17. That's the most ever to show up in a group so far. I don't know what to think.

Part of me feels like I'm crazy......like this is way overboard.......like I'm totally losing it. It's like I'm making them all up......but why? Especially why the troublemakers? Why would I be doing this to myself? Oh......and the "resets". I call it a "Reset"........it's hard to describe. It's like a computer. Our body seems to go into sleep mode and reboot or something. Like.....I'll be doing something.....go into some kind of trance.....for who knows how long......then I come back......but yet.....the strange thing is (most of the time I know what's going on. I just can't do anything about it. That's kinda scary.) This is totally different than the brain fog that I experience. It's a lot more uncomfortable......scary even at times. I think someone new might be co-con with me when that happens.......but I'm just guessing (it might just be me).

I don't know. I actually can feel it when it's about to happen. Like right now.....I feel it. Is it Garrett? Or someone else? I honestly feel like maybe it is indeed someone.....but who?
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jun 13, 2020 6:54 pm

This is so weird. Last night.....the inner world was pitch black again. I had more strange dreams.....didn't realize it at first.....but I seen that same guy in multiple dreams before.

Anyway.....The inner world was so hard to see. I could hear my inner friends.....but I couldn't see them. This is very concerning. Unless.....the inner world is remodeling itself again? Something similar happened.....but with only one tiny area before. I don't know. I'm still feeling crazy.

I don't know what to think. One of the troublemakers just brought another new troublemaker over to our "main" inner world today. He's from a different area. More problems arose due to this. UGH. WHY!? Why can't we all just get along? I know what my role is. I'm not just the "main" host.....but also a peacemaker/peacekeeper. I literally have tons of things to do. It seems that once I finally solve one issue......more.....many more......arise. Maybe I'm just losing it. Maybe I'm just crazy. I don't see why I would be doing this to myself though. UGH! I was happy when things were beginning to improve.....it was becoming so nice......now.....UGH!!!!!! A huge mess all over again. What is going on? I don't understand it.

I don't understand this at all. How many of us are there? I have a really strong feeling that there are more......A LOT more. What is going on? I feel crazy. Very crazy. So crazy that I feel I can't even talk to our T now. This huge influx of new ones really is taking a toll on our system. Hopefully we can help them........we are so loaded down with stuff to do......Weirdo and a bunch of the other protectors barely come around lately. I know they are taking care of a bunch of things. I'm not sure what is going on lately.

Something big feels like it's going to happen soon (in the inner world). I don't know what......but I'm kinda worried about it. Maybe that's why there's a darkness lately. I don't know what will happen....... if the one area merges with our "main" inner world. I had a lingering feeling that would happen for quite some time now.....but it didn't happen yet. Worried it will though.


More than anything right now though.......I feel hopelessly crazy. I keep getting these feelings.....and I don't know why......or how to handle that. It eventually subsides......but until it does......it feels awful.
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