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Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Thu Dec 31, 2020 10:30 pm

I had a bad dream last night. I had no clue I was dreaming (sometimes I do know, or will come to realize, but not this time). Anyway, it was weird. So some inner world troublemaker (I don't know his name yet. But he is the one who pretended to be Phil) told me that he would find me later. The protectors and myself thought he meant in the inner world. He must've met the dream world? I don't know, but I do know it is possible.

Well, this is where it got weird. I was having a really good dream until a "cat" showed up. I believe it was him (he can shapeshift). I had no clue what was going on in the dream, but the "cat" said "Aha! I found you!" Then the cat jumped over my head (got behind me). He turned into a Doberman. Then the dream got really scary. Like I said, I believe it was the guy.

It has happened in the past numerous times, where troublemakers terrorized me in my dreams (so if it indeed was him, it's nothing new). I just don't know how to talk to them, if I don't know I'm dreaming.


---------------------------------------------On a separate note (a different dream):

Also want to note a name: I have no clue if this is one of my personalities, or a dream character. Anyway, the name is Kourbin. At least I think it was spelled with a "U" in the dream. I only want to note this because I think I saw him again in another dream. (If he is a personality, he is very nice.) It sure looked like him anyway, and if it was him, he looked the same both times I saw him (different dreams, different nights). For some reason anyway, I feel the need to remember his name. Usually that only happens if I meet one of my personalities.

Also strange, both dreams had the same theme. (Magic)

I don't know what to make of this yet. But there has been a lot of cases where I first meet my personalities in the dream world. Maybe it feels safer for them? I have no clue.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Mon Jan 04, 2021 9:56 pm

I don't know. Some crazy stuff has been happening with my dreams lately. I know the one troublemaker is messing with me there for sure now. He admitted it. Plus maybe others are trying to reach me through there? Still unconfirmed, but there was some guy who the troublemaker yelled at. The way he talked to him sounded just as if he knew him. I don't know, but it is possible. I also was able to remember that guy's name (although it sounds more like a nickname than anything).

Oh, and last night, someone was trying to tell me a bunch of names from the inner world. They did say "Inner world". I only remember a few though. Mainly because I had no clue what they were talking about (at that time). My dreams have been weird. Plus scary at times again.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Tue Jan 05, 2021 2:15 am

Very Dissociative lately again. It seems that once we focus on doing something (mainly reading, or playing a game), we often begin to stare off into space for who knows how long. We're not sure why that is. Sometimes we're fine doing that (can focus 100%), other times not so much.

We seem to be dissociating a lot more than before though. It did get better for a while, but it is much worse again. :(

We also haven't been feeling the best mood wise. Sometimes we get waves of sadness, and other times feelings of doing nothing. Otherwise usually neutral (neither really sad, or happy). A lot of times we just feel numb, like we have no clue how we really feel.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Jan 05, 2021 10:58 am

♥ Sending moral support your way!

♥ We have had periods of dissociating more than usual, but it got better. Though I understand how uncomfortable that is, especially when not understanding what the trigger is.

♥ Stay strong! We are rooting for you!

__
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Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

he/him | she/her | they/them

Active system members {this is a sub-system}:
oOo van Hohenheim | oTo Trisha | & Urielle {~ Theia|# Uriel} | - X (also answers to: Solomon, David, Scar) | // Ulysses | ♥ Lust | {Pride|Wrath} | -- {Zami}

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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Tue Jan 05, 2021 9:06 pm

ArbreMonde wrote:♥ Sending moral support your way!

♥ We have had periods of dissociating more than usual, but it got better. Though I understand how uncomfortable that is, especially when not understanding what the trigger is.

♥ Stay strong! We are rooting for you!

__
Lust



Thank you for your kind words! We greatly appreciate them! :)
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am

EXTREMELY SAD and depressed today. We are (well we were) dissociating a lot today. Now I'm not even sure where half of us are (who were here earlier). All the sadness got pushed even more inside, which I know is not going to be good. We couldn't help it though.

Anyway, we aren't doing so good. We are extremely worried about someone we know(in the outer world).


Don't want to go into details since it is triggering, but we're very sad because of how they are. We love them so much. Too sad to talk about right now. Hopefully they'll improve.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Mon Jan 11, 2021 1:40 am

Still very sad and depressed. Not helping any that we were already dissociating a lot. We're still worried about our loved one.

Keep getting horrible headaches (Every day, except one this week). Got a horrible headache right now. :( Our headaches always make us sick. We're sick because of it (very tired and nauseous). Our neck feels really tight too. We think it is either a tension headache or an occipital neuralgia headache.We are tense because of how worried and stressed we are. So that isn't helping the headache any.

Plus our medicine is worthless for this headache over half the time. UGH! It only seems to help migraines, not this type. For all we know it could be part tension, part cluster. We get many different types of headaches. All we know is it's terrible. In October we had a headache every day for 3 weeks. While in November I don't think we had any headaches really. December had a few (like maybe 3-4). Now all of a sudden we're having headaches almost every day again. UGH! It doesn't make sense.

They are horrible ones too. Like 10 out of 10 pain, A LOT. We have told our doctor about it, numerous times, but so far, nothing has helped it. :(
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Wed Jan 13, 2021 4:17 am

Don't know what is wrong. Very emotional. Probably triggered by what is going on lately with all our worry. We've been crying on and off at times. Other times we just push those emotions inside because even a bunch of us don't want the others (insiders) to see how they feel.

Plus inner conflict is still ongoing, although maybe finally we're beginning to make progress. Maybe anyway (it's a little early to tell). Hopefully though.

Plus got another headache today. It seems like we've been not only getting them during the day, but also waking up with them too. UGH! :(

Plus someone feels like a failure again. Myself I feel extremely worried. Like really bad worry, which I am worried about what's going on, but this worry is really intense. Maybe I'm feeling everyone's worry, or a bunch of them? I have no clue. A lot of them won't talk to me about it, because it's triggering bad memories.

I don't know what to do. There is nothing we can do about the current main worry, other than Pray. The one we are very worried about (in the outer world) isn't doing good. :( It's very sad.
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Thu Jan 14, 2021 3:43 am

MAJOR WORRY and stress right now. We have no clue what triggered it all of a sudden. We were actually fine all day (for once), until now.

Now we have a terrible feeling of doom. Note: We got this feeling before. We used to get it a lot when we were younger, but it went away. It comes back every now and then, but we haven't felt it for what seems like a long time. All of a sudden it is back, and it feels like it's with a vengeance (worse than ever).

Well, our T did say a word that may have triggered it (BUT we had no clue at the time). Just a few words though, not sure which one. It might have been the mentioning of the word "friend", "integration", or maybe something else entirely. Maybe it has no connection to our appointment. We, well pretty much all of us, can agree that we really like our new T.

I have no clue what happened. I do know though that there are several of us who don't like the word "friend", because of what happened in the past. We also don't like the word "integration" either (but we told them that). BUT I wonder if what I said is what happened. It was probably my fault. I did get talking about our last T, and that was really triggering for us (how that T treated us), so maybe it still is a trigger?

Then again, come to think of it, we have been seeing something similar to flashbacks at times. Today (earlier) was one of them, BUT I wouldn't really call it a flashback because nothing bad happened during it. It was weird. It was like our mind was walking through some building from the past (where bad stuff happened though, so that's why I compared it to a flashback). That's been happening at least once a month lately. Not to mention seeing actual flashbacks too. Those really upset a lot of us.

Oh, and I was terrorized in my dreams last night again. UGH! That used to happen a lot in the past, but then got better. Now apparently it's getting worse again. I have no clue if it is troublemakers behind it or not. I have discovered that was the case about 90% of the time in the past. And that guy did show up in multiple dreams last night, which I feel is strange. Come to think of it, I saw him several other times before in different dreams. I have no clue who he even is though, if it is a troublemaker. So how would I even talk to him?
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Re: Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Postby Ponyta » Fri Jan 15, 2021 1:14 am

Possible Trigger warning due to description of how I feel, and "new" problem (new is in quotes because it's not 100% new):


I feel like an idiot all day today. If that even is a good enough description of how I feel.

I believe I asked on here a long time ago about someone having a feeling of "terror", and I didn't know who was so scared. I just discovered last night that the fear is coming from me, but is because of someone lingering in the inner world to scare me. He is projecting the fear onto me or something in order to terrorize me. It (the scare factor) was worse than ever last night. I was so scared last night it wasn't cool. I felt like I wanted to run and hide. Not to mention scream. It was almost like I was stuck in a nightmare, while awake. It was awful.

Anyway, I feel awful (brain fog, and weak from not getting enough sleep last night). I don't know. I feel spacey somewhat. Plus I can faintly feel that guy. He told me he would meet me tonight. The way he said it was taunting. He is behind my scary dreams, because he asked me how I liked them. Ridiculous. I don't know what his problem is. I'm actually scared of what I might dream tonight. Especially the way he was acting.
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