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Disappointment and Anger

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Disappointment and Anger

Postby Amythyst » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:06 pm

I am very disappointed. Perhaps even a little bit angry, though I feel that anger is not an 'appropriate' emotion to have right now.

We should be at therapy right now. I've been fronting the past 24 hours because the plan was for me to go today to meet our T.

Instead, we had a call 45 minutes prior to the start of our session, telling us that our T was sick and had to cancel. They will put us on a waiting list and perhaps we will get a session tomorrow or Friday, but obviously we won't have much time to plan or prepare should that happen. Otherwise, we simply miss this week's session and our next scheduled one is a week from today.

Our T is 'out of town' for us. We were already in her town when they called us. We are generally so concerned with being late (for anything) that we always go early. In case of unexpected delays, like traffic, construction, etc. There are two parks near our T's office so we usually spend any extra time in one or the other park.

To be fair, this is the first time in 14 months that this T has done this. It is still upsetting, and this was one of the main reasons we quit with our last T, as the last one did this a lot. (6 times in 9 months.)

We understand, logically, that people get sick. It happens. It still feels like it happens to other people a lot more than it does to us.

We are sort of curious now - when other people feel nauseous, or have aches and pains, headache, stomach ache, etc. can they not just, turn it off? Can't they just make those sensations go away until its convenient? I honestly don't understand what that would be like. I can only think of one example in the past decade where we were unable to control our response to ill feelings, when we had the flu in May 2016.

Anyways - many of us are disappointed and upset. We hate having plans changed, especially at the last minute. And being on 'standby' for a possible session tomorrow or Friday means that for the next 2 days, our plans may be changed again at the last minute.

Em
Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 15, 2020 8:20 pm

I wondered the exact same thing about people being sick. I used to just get really annoyed and think they're always faking until recently when I asked my bf. I've never been in a position to ask before because of feeling weird.

The answer in no. They can't and they can't help it apparently. Last time I succumbed to physical sickness was also flu years ago. Occasionally I feel like "I need to let myself be ill" but other people don't have this. And some people obviously either pretend to be sick or are sick more than others. I asked the bf all this. It caused an argument when he was first ever sick because that's my usual response, I didn't understand it. I'm a bit better at it now but it still kind of irritates me.

It's once so he isn't a pretender. The other therapist did cancel alot. So I think this one can't help it.

The only thing I can't switch off lately, it switches it's self on and off depending on alter, is my ear issue. I have a hospital appointment. I was dead with it for six months on and off. Now I have control of deafness but the other symptoms are still there, I can't make it go completely away. That's made me understand this "why can't you just turn it off" thing that I used to wonder but never ask.

Not understanding causes the irritation and the frustration I think. But they can't which boggles the mind and also makes fusion or integration terrifying.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby Amythyst » Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:32 pm

*** trigger warning, mention of past abuse, parental death ***


We tried to post this earlier but then deleted it instead.

After some thinking, we remember now that we'd sometimes be punished for being sick. Our parents wouldn't believe us, or wouldn't care. Punish us for 'faking' when we were really unwell. So I suppose we'd learn to suppress it or ignore it.

We'd be forced to go to school or work regaredless, so we had to learn to ignore feeling sick, ignore our body.

In our late teens & early 20s we worked at our father's business, but it was more like living at our boss's house. He was the boss everywhere, all the time, and rarely father. We remember being sick in bed and him yelling at us for missing work, and telling us "customers don't give a ###k how you feel, get up and get to work!"

And we remembered, when he was dying in hospital, he confessed that he always used to think we were lazy when we had asthma. It wasn't until he was bedridden & dying of lung cancer that it finally dawned on him that it's actually really hard to do stuff when you can't breath. Mind you we don't remember him apologizing, just that he finally understood the problem.

*** end trigger warnings ***

Anyways, our T's office called us again as they had an opening so we're expecting to see her on Friday. There is still a lot of disappointment and upset in side, because the last-minute cancellation thing really upsets us. The anger is still there, but at the moment it's mostly directed towards our parents.

Em & others.

p.s. we don't think we have asthma any more. It seemed we only had it when previous host was around... it showed up in our teens when she appeared, and we haven't had an attack for so long, we'd forgotten it was ever a problem. We only remembered it when one of the V's found an old inhaler in a drawer.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby KingsleyHere » Thu Jan 16, 2020 2:45 am

OMG! Somebody else who never *gets sick*!! Thought we were the only ones!
We've missed T only when had surgeries that required remaining in the hospital.

Our T has seen us when he's not well. Appreciate that. Would also be upset especially with such short notice. We *plan* who will be at session or an issue with several. Can't guarantee they will be *available* for an impromptu session or even following week.

My T calls himself a single personality disordered. Those people are just not as capable as we are! Guess we have to be forgiving but still exasperating. We mentioned to him once that we need as much notice as possible. He said he was trying not to cancel and waited until it was perfectly obviously he couldn't make it. Thank you BUT doesn't work for us.

Hope you get in sooner.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby Amythyst » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:50 am

Hey thanks KingsleyHere,

Yeah that's part of what got us so upset yesterday - it was like a full day of planning & prep etc to make sure Em would be fronting & stuff. Now we can't be sure she'll be back again to do this tomorrow.

And like she knew it wasn't 'personal' or whatever, but it still feels like that sometimes. Like it would still suck if it happened when we didn't have anything in particular planned or whatever, like just any old session. But when its one that you've been thinking about & getting ready for, and like you said, making sure the right one is available & stuff, then it feels like a bigger let-down.

And cos we went through this a lot with our first T, it kinda re-opened those old wounds or whatever. Even tho the new T is different & stuff, I know there's now like 1 red strike against her name.

Viola

p.s. I wouldn't say we 'never get sick', but its pretty rare. We did have kinda major surgery in 2018 and we were still doing work emails the next day from hospital, and t hen 2 days later we were working from home. :? And we'd hafta be like, really sick for it to mean we can't do something we wanna do.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby Amythyst » Fri Jan 17, 2020 3:59 pm

Sarandipity wrote:I wondered the exact same thing about people being sick. I used to just get really annoyed and think they're always faking until recently when I asked my bf. I've never been in a position to ask before because of feeling weird.

The answer in no. They can't and they can't help it apparently. Last time I succumbed to physical sickness was also flu years ago. Occasionally I feel like "I need to let myself be ill" but other people don't have this. And some people obviously either pretend to be sick or are sick more than others. I asked the bf all this. It caused an argument when he was first ever sick because that's my usual response, I didn't understand it. I'm a bit better at it now but it still kind of irritates me.

It's once so he isn't a pretender. The other therapist did cancel alot. So I think this one can't help it.

The only thing I can't switch off lately, it switches it's self on and off depending on alter, is my ear issue. I have a hospital appointment. I was dead with it for six months on and off. Now I have control of deafness but the other symptoms are still there, I can't make it go completely away. That's made me understand this "why can't you just turn it off" thing that I used to wonder but never ask.

Not understanding causes the irritation and the frustration I think. But they can't which boggles the mind and also makes fusion or integration terrifying.

Hi Sarandipity,

Sorry we missed your post the other day, we didn't mean to ignore you. Thanks for sharing what you learned with your bf.

That's interesting, for us there are also a few things we cannot 'turn off'... chronic tooth pain is the main one. We can ignore occasional dental pain, but if it becomes constant then we are unable to avoid it.

You also raise a good concern about fusion. I think we would see it as an awful loss if we 'healed' and became unable to control our body's response to minor illnesses and pains.

Today we have our replacement session, and I'm fronting once again so I will be the one to take it.

Em
Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: Disappointment and Anger

Postby Pocketwatch » Thu Jan 23, 2020 1:33 am

I'm happy to read that I'm not the only one.
I once stayed at my mothers house because the trains got cancelled.
I wasn't feeling too great but I was overall okay, then I measured my temperature and it turned out I had a high fever, but I insisted on going to work the next day anyways. I really like my job, it's paperwork in a library, very relaxing.
Anyways, my mom refused to let me go and instead went to a doctor with me. Turns out I also had the flu, in mid may.

Trigger warning:
It meant a lot to me that my mom cared so much because when I was little she never took me to the doctor. Said I was just like my father because he also complained a lot. It took my teachers writing to her to take me to the doctor ones because the nerves on my back were inflamed. The doctor said adults cried out in pain, but I always ignored pain. I thought that was normal, and that I complained too fast.
When I was a few years older I fell off of a pile of wood and had a rusty nail tear into my hand. I did the first aid myself and fainted afterwards, but my mom was too busy with her birthday organization. We never went to the doctor for that.
So the fact she has changed is nice, makes me happy, and lucky too.

End warning.

I do agree that your T canceling is annoying. Mine has done it a few times, and you know how people like us tend to have a good idea of why people do what they do? I felt like mine didn't want to help me, and last session she said we should find me another therapist because she can't help me anymore. Says my troubles aren't fit for what she can treat. The day I told her about DID.

Im honestly fine with that. Didn't feel like we connected in the past year anyways.
But yeah, yours only cancelled once because they're sick, and however frustrating this may be, it's best to wait until you see them again, if you're still mad then you can ask why they cancelled and why it was such short notice.

Best of luck!
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