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**TW FOR MEDICAL STUFF, VIRGINITY, SEX**

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**TW FOR MEDICAL STUFF, VIRGINITY, SEX**

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Jan 10, 2020 6:42 pm

*TW FOR* MEDICAL STUFF, SEX, LOOSING VIRGINITY**

Got really triggered talking with women at work. Not in the usual way of alters being triggered or dissociation but in a personal way, I am personally upset. I don't know about other parts, it's quiet.

One of the women was talking about having cramps. Then she started to talk about a medical thing and they all started talking about medical things. Which for us, and I know it's probably weird, but Patrick usually deals with and he's not around unless you specifically ask him something tecnical about engines. I think it's him that deals with it because he doesn't associate to the body so he can cope in a detached manner where none of it effects him.

They eventually got onto talking about loosing virginity and blood when you loose your virginity. My initial reflex response was "I don't remember if there was blood or not" Which from what I thought was my first time there was not blood, I do remember. It made me think about that time.

I was very casual about having sex. It didn't bother me. It was like it was nothing and I wasn't nervous or any of the other things people talk about. Which I have not thought about before. Putting that with no physical symptoms of bleeding it made the terrible fragment memories seem all the more real and now I'm crying and sad. Like last bits of some kind of denial I could hold onto that I'm just crazy are slipping away.

I just wanted to write it out so it's not going round in my head so much.

When I was working with all men and they would talk about sex or porn or have inuendo it didn't bother me. Women talk more intricately and I haven't had any kind of conversation like that since teenage, I don't remember if I did and if I did it wasn't me who had that convo. So I think that it makes it harder. It's like putting logic and thinking back about it all in a logic way makes the conclusion of the fragments and flashbacks more logical and not so easy to ignore. It does also make it more real, how other parts feel, that the abusers need to be punished and how awful it all is more real than when it's detached and things other parts of me say.

It feels like stuff happened to me that I don't know about. When I think of it in a logical what I do know way. Really bad stuff happened that I don't know about and it makes the things I do know about carry less weight because they were based on untruths. I thought I lost my virginity to my first bf - I believed that - but the logic and the fragments say otherwise so it's like I've lived a lie. I don't know if anyone understands what I'm saying in this but it's the best way I can describe how I feel and why I'm crying.

There are parts now saying "I will do time" as in they will go to jail because of it all, they will get retribution by any means. They won't because also I will not have my life ruined or ruled more by this lie I have lived than it already has. There's too much awareness in my system for them to break off and do something alone now. And when somebody did strangle my mother they stopped, whether stopped by another part or out of self preservation because she was driving at the time they still stopped. And I know those parts, the gain has to out weight the risk which it doesn't so they can feel like that and express it but they won't act on it.

I have to accept this and let myself be sad. I need therapy. I may try just going to a non specialist therapist just to talk and let other parts talk without mentioning the DID to the therapist - I've done that other times and it does help.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: **TW FOR MEDICAL STUFF, VIRGINITY, SEX**

Postby Rive » Sat Jan 11, 2020 3:19 pm

I'm sorry you are struggling. I know that talk about stuff like that can be very triggering from personal experience. When you do find a new therapist can you find a EMDR trained DID therapist. I think that will help you.
Rive
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Re: **TW FOR MEDICAL STUFF, VIRGINITY, SEX**

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Jan 11, 2020 6:37 pm

Rive wrote:I'm sorry you are struggling. I know that talk about stuff like that can be very triggering from personal experience. When you do find a new therapist can you find a EMDR trained DID therapist. I think that will help you.


Thanks Rive. I went back into denial again today or the other way of seeing things. It's like two conflicting versions of reality in my mind and I don't know which one is real. I do know denial or the version of reality where nothing happened is a much happier one.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: **TW FOR MEDICAL STUFF, VIRGINITY, SEX**

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Jan 12, 2020 3:58 pm

Today I just feel like I want to be dead.

The past is a terrible thing when you can't change it anymore. Which is kind of how this system has always seen what they do. Something is horrible, change how you remember it. You remember it nice. When that option is gone there's nothing to make it better than the not being here anymore.

When my mind drifts onto my parents it's like a massive brick wall. It extends up and out infinitly and I can't break through it or don't want to. Like the answers lie behind the brick wall.

Like the divider the twins put in the brain - No-one is saying. She felt this divider thing in the brain, like the brain was being divided into two halves. She could reach through it and that's when she took the dog girl from the other side of the mind and body. That's how it felt to her.

She's saying we have to get through the wall. Terror is behind the wall but it's real and the only release from this never ending circle of acceptance, denial and feeling suicidal. She's saying we don't have to do anything about what we find behind the wall, we can just be there, it doesn't mean we have to do anything different to what we're doing now. She can move between internal worlds and reach through the wall. The thought of that terrifies me.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 10:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


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