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Helping my girl

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Helping my girl

Postby AmmeSO » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:30 pm

Hi everyone,
Little Rosy in my husband system saw that I bought a lipstick for myself today and ask me if I could buy her one. I applied it on her and she was so happy but didn't want to take a look in the mirror. Does she knows the body look different? Or does she sees herself in the mirror outside?
I wish I can help her feel pretty, she is only 4 years old in the big male body outside. If she only sees herself in the mirror, I don't want to upset her. I was thinking of making her a bracelet but I know the system won't want to wear anything girly. I was so inconsiderate I forgot she's a little girl who likes makeup like me:( Perhaps I can buy her a lip balm, clear one with a nice strawberry scent. Can someone give me a idea of what she probably sees in the mirror? I am quite puzzled cos she seems oblivious. She also has never questioned me why her body look different.
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby Amythyst » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:36 pm

Hey AmmeSO,

We can't speak for Rosy or anyone else, but we can say in our system, we avoid mirrors cos they show us the outside body.

Like when we're just fronting & not paying close attention, we feel our own body and even see our own body as long as we're not looking close? I dunno how to put it. Like an optical illusion or something? But looking in a mirror or having to like look down and focus, then we see the outside body.

If that's the case with Rosy then she probably feels like herself when fronting, but a mirror would destroy that 'illusion' and it's really, really upsetting for even grownups in our system. For a 4yo girl it would probably be really scary & upsetting.

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Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby AmmeSO » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:45 pm

I see, I get why she was upset when I ask her if she wants to see how it looked in the mirror:( I thought she already knew how the outside body looked, now I feel really bad for breaking her illusion:(
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby Amythyst » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:56 pm

If you just offered & she said no, I wouldn't feel so bad about it? For us at least, even tho we know the mirror "shows us lies" as long as we don't hafta see it we're ok. Maybe thinking about it would be bad for a moment or 2 but still not as bad as seeing it.

If you kinda stuck a mirror infront of her without warning that'd be worse... we've had a few minor freak-outs cos people saw mirrors they weren't expecting. We get over it tho, and the 'illusion' comes back again. Its not like, ruined forever.

Anyways however it played out, you can try to make it up with her. The strawberry lip gloss sounds like a good idea. Or even the bracelet idea - even if others in the system don't wanna wear it, maybe she would while she's out?

Viola

p.s. our Melissa fronts a lot, she's 7yo, and she does know that the outside body is bigger, taller, etc than her inside body. When she fronts she kinda sees herself as her actual 7yo self but just 'scaled up' bigger. Like she knows she can reach stuff without standing on a chair etc. When she walks tho, I'm pretty sure she still walks like a 7yo, like she moves the body like a kid. And she avoids mirrors for the same reason as the rest of us.
Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby AmmeSO » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:08 pm

I feel bad because I said stuff like, I know you don't look like the body, but it's okay, I'm sure you look really pretty, though I can't see it. I just didn't know to play along or be honest, so I said that but I could have done some harm unintentionally. Thanks tho, I understand more now from you and Melissa. The others didn't want to bring along a soft toy for her last work trip out of embarrassment:( She is very shy, but she came out to play with my lipsticks today, which is a first for us.
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:24 pm

Guys are totally relaxed and fine in my body, when we're at home by ourselves. They don't think it, like I don't think my body when I'm in it either. Body just is there to make it possible to move and do things. When there's someone else there, they are more aware of it. Sami sees it as a disguise, Fourteen hates it, nothing in him makes sense from my body because his traumas are about his gender and how he looks like etc, Lucas I think mostly doesn't think this as his body but feels separate even when using it. They all do, but for him it's different. I can't be sure, I once "was him" and it was weird, but he takes care of body maintenance stuff and doesn't mix this body being his. He's fine with me doing make up etc being in front of mirror when he's in there, but I think it's because his job. He can shave body hair etc and it doesn't feel too weird to him, it's kind of like taking care of child o something. He can also shower and do stuff and doesn't pay too much attention to it, he doesn't think body is his, but we don't see it like he would be touching me either. That's just how things are and that's it.

At home they like to feel like themselves tho, but it's more about how things feel to them, than how they look like, they don't look right kind anyway and it's easier not to think about it. And why should they, I don't either. More they feel themselves, less they think the body. That's why it matters to have certain things right way. For example I have long hair, but it's always braided or pony tail, so that it doesn't feel long.

Non of them see themselves from the mirror.

All parts are different, this is how things are for us, but how it's for someone else, we can't know.

We have one active little. He has never stressed over the body that I know, not the way he'd felt dysphoric. He has lived inside in Fourteen's system, so in his own little inner world he had his body, in our "big system's" inner world he used Fourteen's body and Fourteen is taller than I. When he comes out here, my body feels smaller to him than Fourteens body, and I think that's why he feels OK in it. He knows body being adult stops him from doing some things he'd want to, and that's not nice, but he hasn't felt dysphoric. I don't think he's ever looked in the mirror.

You can always tel parts you know how they really look like, and that you see real them instead of the body they use outside.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
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Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby Amythyst » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:48 pm

Floralie wrote:You can always tel parts you know how they really look like, and that you see real them instead of the body they use outside.

I think that is super important. Heck I'd love for friends & family to tell me that, lol. I think we all have a need to be 'seen' and stuff, like for people to know we exist & that we are our own different people?

AmmeSO, sorry you're feeling bad about this stuff. But it makes me think you're a good person cos if you weren't, you wouldn't be beating yourself up over this.

Also, I think its easier in some ways for guys in a female body system, than for girls in a male body system, just cos of like our society & stuff? I mean, its very unfair & BS & stuff, but like if a male part wants to dress 'masculine' and stuff, outside people are just gonna think maybe we're a kind of wierd butch chick. But the opposite, if someone wants to dress up a male body in girly clothes & makeup, its gonna get comments, or in some areas it could get the body hurt or attacked.

As it is, I have no idea what other people see when they look at us but I probably dress more like the teen I feel I am, than 'age appropriate' whatever that means. And we always have at least one stuffy, we have a pony clipped to our purse. Heck I've been carrying a cat toy around with me the last couple weeks and playing with it in public like a fidget toy kinda thing. :lol:

I guess I'm just saying, folks who are seen as female kinda get away with alot more than folks who are seen as male, and its' not really fair. But you can do what you can for Rosy when you're at home anyways, and hopefully she'll be happy & maybe get less shy & stuff too.

Viola
Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby SOHank » Fri Jan 10, 2020 10:12 pm

What she sees will depend on the individual. Most in Sunflower's system see the actual body, but know what they look like inside. Lou (also 4 y/o) used to also, but got freaked out when she accidentally came out at times one of us wasn't decent. At some point she started seeing herself wearing "pink jammies with lace" even if the body was wearing... less...

I would encourage her to draw a picture of herself. Maybe start drawing one of yourself to sort of "prime the pump".

And FYI, we all make mistakes, learn from it, but try not to dwell on it. I freaked J. out really bad. I had only met her a few weeks before. I heard she was out at therapy and asked how she was. I found out that sitting in a car at a supermarket was a trigger for her and she was terrified of me for months. :( :( :( We are much better now though. :)
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby MeMyselfMaureen » Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:38 am

Mirrors are a big trigger for us. Even our refelectiion in a window or a shiny car used to be enough.

Getting the wigs has helped for passing glances. like if peter is out he KNOWS he has blond curly hair and before we got the wig catching our reflection with its naturally straight brunnet hair would cause either a fear responce (there's an nasty stalker lady following me) or a revusion response (thats not my body) both of which could lead to urges to self harm.

Since getting the wigs there is less of an issue with fleating mirror caught my eye glimpses. I have also found that a VERRY small pocket mirror is handy if I need to check something (like do we have spagetti sauce round our mouth?) as the realy small ones dont show the whole face and that makes it easier for peter to cope with as he can imagine the rest of the reflection looking like him.

Maybe a small pocket mirror (like an inch acrross) would be good for Rosie. That way she can look at the lipstick but not have to see the whole face.

If she comes our for bigger blocks of time at home then perhaps you could learn some gender makeup tips. This one is for taking a woman to a reasonably realistic teanage boy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw8M-wfHC9A after watching this a couple of times Agripan decided he wanted to put his "war paint" on. We didnt do the whole shebang as it's quite an undertaking for someone who is only going to be out for a couple of hours at the most. But it was amazing the transformation we got just by doing the primer and powder stage of the fake beard.
This is a good one for the guy to girl transformation, again the whole job is quite an undertaking and only realy suitable for an alter who is going to be out all day but I've put it up in case anyone else fanciess going the whole shebang.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om1h1CskpxkThe big take away I think if you are going to do a little of it is the difference applying conceler/foundation over the beard area makes a big difference. It doesn't matter how nice your lipstick is if there is a 5 o'clock shadow surrounding it you are still potentially going to get uneasy not my body fealings.

Any way having make up sessions with Rosie will definatly be good bonding. If your husbands system dosnt do bracelts how about a pair of clip on earings that she can wear while she is out but must give to you for "safe keeping" when she isn't.

It's realy nice that you are happy to bond with her in this way.

Grace and Mo (kinda blendy today)
Grace (host) Mo (protector) Peter (child) Elspeth (child) Midnight (unkown) Shadow (fragment, grief holder, toddler) Aegipan (goatbeing - the ultimate solution) Christopher (faith, caretaker)
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Re: Helping my girl

Postby HeartMomtoDID » Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:15 pm

On a side note, I have long suspected that looking in the mirror triggers switches for my kids and friends. I've come to think of the bathroom in their apartment like Superman's quick-change phone booth because of how frequently one person goes in and another comes out LOL
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