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Need more "we" not "me"

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Need more "we" not "me"

Postby debetoile » Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:33 pm

Hi, have been away from this forum for years - cannot understand why as I've really missed chatting to people like me, I can't wait to be part of a community again. Anyway, does anyone else feel like they need to be MORE divided, more of "we" and less of "me" - being, or pretending to be one person all the time. My head is noisy which is telling me that I'm not listening to my alters, and supressing them, ignoring the fact they are there in order to try and function better in the world and put on a front saying that "I" am ok.

Do people think it would be ok and safe to trigger my alters out more often, instead of trying to be "me" 24/7, or could there be a chance that it will somehow backfire and send what professional see as making progress, backwards? The past few weeks I've started switching a lot more (T has been away), and I am happier being "we" than just "me", I feel more alive, like i'm actually living, even though it is also causing a lot more confusion related to switching like not really knowing what supermarket I'm in, let alone which aisle.
The main ones around nowadays are
Hannah (18) Hannah (5) Rachel (21) Rach(5) Tiffany (4) Layla (4) Steph (18-21) Kaja (18) Katie (14) Katy (14)
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby Amythyst » Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:17 am

Hey debetoile,

We're very 'we not me' in our system. We're like a team or a family. We don't always all get along and stuff, but generally we try to work together and all. We're also mostly 'out' as a system everywhere except for work stuff, thats the only place we still try to act like 'one person'.


debetoile wrote:Do people think it would be ok and safe to trigger my alters out more often, instead of trying to be "me" 24/7, or could there be a chance that it will somehow backfire and send what professional see as making progress, backwards?

I just kinda got tripped up by one thing on this? Why does it hafta be triggering them to come out? That doesn't sound very good tbh. Unless you mean it differently than we understand it.

Can't you just like, invite them out? Ask if they wanna have some outside time or whatever? Or set up some fun stuff or stuff they're interested in, to encourage them to come out.

Also, the way you speak about progress, makes it sound like what the professional thinks is progress maybe isn't what you think as progress. For us, the only progress that counts is what we as a system feel is progress. Our T's goals are our goals, or we're seeing the wrong T. We hope you're not like, feeling that your T is pushing you in some direction you don't really wanna go.

Sorry if i sound judgy & stuff, its been a hard day & we're tired, but I wanted to reply & stuff.

BTW we totally get what you say about feeling more alive & all. We feel like its like our life had this missing puzzle piece for so long & now we finally found the missing piece(s) and even tho its confusing & there's problems at times, we're still so much happier and better off than we were when we were just like, going through the motions & not really living.

We get alot of dissociation at the store too lol, usually we end up talking to ourselves alot *out loud* as we go up and down the aisles. Last time tho we just kinda blanked out for a long time staring at one of the displays. :?

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Arin(22f); Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Guardian(28m); Janet(4f); Kate(17/22f); L(∞f); Em(22f); Melissa(7f); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Tegan(5f); Viola(17f); V1(22f); V2(16f); Waste(?); et al.
Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.(New) Journey ThreadThe Team
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:53 am

debetoile wrote:My head is noisy which is telling me that I'm not listening to my alters, and supressing them, ignoring the fact they are there in order to try and function better in the world and put on a front saying that "I" am ok.

Do people think it would be ok and safe to trigger my alters out more often, instead of trying to be "me" 24/7, or could there be a chance that it will somehow backfire and send what professional see as making progress, backwards? The past few weeks I've started switching a lot more (T has been away), and I am happier being "we" than just "me", I feel more alive, like i'm actually living, even though it is also causing a lot more confusion related to switching like not really knowing what supermarket I'm in, let alone which aisle.


You're describing what people usually go through when they're first discovering that they're not alone in their head and that they're just one alter among others. So I'm confused, because it sounds like you've known about your diagnosis for a long time.

The balancing act is to try to hold on to crucial functioning in the world (basic self-care, job, healthy relationships, enjoyable activities), while also getting to know your system and sharing time among all the parts when it's safe to do so.

Progress is when you all start to listen to each other, value each other's feelings and interests, make sure to give anyone who wants to front some time to do what they like (help them figure out what they like to do), and start to take care of those who are sad and hurt.

If you have a T who thinks pretending to be one person 24/7 is "progress," that's someone who really doesn't understand how to treat DID. And if you're more yourselves and therefore happier because your T is away, I think you should think carefully about what that means.

I've seen people on reddit talk about "triggering out" their alters, but I agree with Viola about how that sounds. It's a matter of letting them know that it's ok for you all to take turns, and then work on what that means for your system, and when it's appropriate for littles to be out, for example (not at work, in most cases :D ).

Learning to share time, take turns, listen to each other--those are basic things that my T has been helping us with. He has a relationship with each of us (those who have engaged with him), and welcomes whoever wants to talk to him. We are all important to him--individually and collectively. There isn't one who is more important than any other. That's what is recommended in the ISSTD guidelines for how to treat DID, and those are the current standard of care for treating it.
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby KitMcDaydream » Fri Jan 03, 2020 10:42 am

For the 'supermarket issue' can you ask ahead of time maybe via a journal who wants to go shopping and agree before you set off who is going that time?

Maybe they can also agree that should they come across someone who thinks they know 'you' and says hello either the alter pretends to be you or you go together & co-host so 'you' can temporarily come forward to answer in that situation?

That way it's not a complete switch that you're finding yourself somewhere and wondering how you got there cos everyone (in your system) is aware of what was going to be happening at that time?

I found it helped me to imagine I was a conjoined twin and was sharing the body. (two minds in one body) So if someone saw us who recognised the body as a 'specific character' then I let the alter they were expecting come forwards to chat with them briefly, then make an excuse to leave so I can continue if it was 'my time up front'.

If we thought that might be a constant issue we might then change our shopping time (or whatever event it was) in future to avoid the incident again when someone else was wanting to front.
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Jan 03, 2020 7:48 pm

In therapy, we totally just want others to be out too as much as possible. I'm able to stay co-con a lot, although I do lose time, but only at home where it's safe. We try to get as close as possible, and the way to do it is get them in here and co-con. If we ever fuse into one, which doesn't seem doable now, but we don't try to stop it from happening if it feels natural some day.. it's going to mean we all live outside. So why would we try to keep them inside? That's the problem for us, that we have lot of potential to do big things in life, if we just could have all traits we have in here, in same place at the same time, working on same things in outside life. In the end it doesn't matter so much if we stay separate but are able to live together and get right traits doing right stuff right time, or if we'll be one, who has all that in one self. Any case that's the goal, to get them in here, so we can be whole. A lot was hidden inside because of trauma, and I want to have it back.

I'm just one part, I used to be just a facade, I had personality traits but no identity until couple of years ago. Now I'm more than I used to be, but in the end I'm just an avoider. That's my superpower, I think other people in the system do have way more important traits. Ability to avoid was once needed, but now it's something to get rid of. People who deal with things are inside, people who have our mental energy are inside, people who hold our social needs and abilities to have meaningful relationships with people are inside. I can't do any of that, that's why our life is like it is, we're not able to do much or live much. Others live inside and their life in there is rich, ways outside life has never been. I went to therapy to get that, to get a life, to be more than a facade. Only way for me to be more is get what others hold so close to me it feels like mine too.

With difficult parts, parts who can do harmful things or are too traumatized to be out on their own safely, way to keep them away from wrong situations is get them time outside when it is safe. And with littles too, they need their playtime, and they have better control over not appearing just suddenly somewhere when they see something they like. Parts who aren't able to take care of things, don't have to be inside either. They just need their time outside in safe environment.

Using positive triggers to call someone out is totally fine. Negative triggers aren't, trauma parts need to know life is safe now, and it really doesn't feel like it is for them, if they're reminded of their trauma like that intentionally, because that's just mean. They need to be able to feel safe to be cured.

And hi and welcome back, I don't think we've met.

Floralie
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Jan 04, 2020 11:18 am

We just wake up and be whoever we are. Which was working ok for years because we had cooperation over life goals and everyone knew what they were good at. Rose is good at cooking and cleaning and telling children off in a caring way. Patrick is good at cars and we all learnt that so we could work in a job. Beth is reasonable at computers and Patrick can't write so any writing on a computer she did. Karen was trained in psychology and behaviour change so we took a job in a place that helps people who have behaviour change issues and she was very ontop of boundaries and a few people did change their lives that came there while we were there.

Internally the twins monitored everything. The overlord was in charge of getting the right alter at the right moment. Paul was the motivating voice that talked us into following through on qualification and pursuing this job we all had things we could do in it. Mandy even went to work for lunch time sometimes.

So it was ok. Then we had a crisis. Firstly we met someone we didn't just date for a few dates. Secondly he noticed the switches and eventually Rose woke the twins up who were watching subconsciously and that's when we found this forum - twins being fully awake is bad usually. No-one was brought to the body from living with the overlord after 20 years. Thirdly the guy we were working with has DID and caused revolving door and somebody thought they were in love with him but that settled down. Lastly due to being so involved in our work and having a relationship to navigate and explain our parts to this lead to our parents creeping more and more into our life. We thought we suffered emotional neglect, psychological abuse and had very controlling parents - that's what we put the DID down to. While distracted the parents who we had kept minimal boundaried contact with so our children could have a sense of family and grandparents without them being damaging creapt into the children's lives. From visits every couple of months it turned into weekly "can we stay at your parents" I got slowly more anxiety about it but didn't address it. Then my daughter went missing with my father for over an hour and no phones answered. I had a panic attack, said to the bf I was worried he'd hurt her. A week or two after that a part called the police and reported my father for SA. Nobody in the system could cope with it and we went to hospital.

Since hospital the parts who have been predominantly in the body are No-one, Paul, Beth and Mandy. The others were incredibly traumatized by the phone call and trauma memories, fragments, Paul released. They are contactable, not disappeared but too upset and emotional to cope, feel disgusting etc. They had no idea and feel blame.

The parts I have now do not know how to do that job. Beth knows the theory of cars but can't physically do it, she went to work for a couple of times but she is physically useless. Paul and No-one don't know anything about cars because they weren't around to learn and have zero interest in it. They aren't good at paperwork either and do not care to help people. They are good at sales. So I took a shop job for now, they like it. Actually Paul applied for various jobs that were part time so Beth can help our youngest son who has got behind at school. Then No-one went to the interview and they got the first job they wanted. They like it, it's relatively easy, no stress, they are clean not covered in oil, they do the job and go home and there's women to go out for a drink with who they get on with.

So basically I get up and whatever happens happens. I've had different periods in my life but the most recent one that crashed was the most functional, most well thought out and would of been ok if the parents hadn't started creeping around and our son wasn't behind at school - Paul and No-one said they would of helped Beth maintain that job if our youngest son wasn't behind at school. She could of told them the theory and they would of done it. They have changed wheels at the side of the road under extreme pressure, know how to take a gun apart and put it back together, how to pick locks, can use tools, they did that when predominantly in the body when teenage so they could of fixed cars with Beth telling them how but they said "f that, the youngest son's school is more important than that job and money is money who cares how you get it "as long as you're not hurting anyone" (that's a rule we had to insist on) and the twins can write their books at last so we don't keep having to listen to their damn books over and over" I can probably recite the first bits so I know what they mean about the books, they have been mentally writing them for years and years.

The other parts need therapy for the trauma they didn't know we went through, for the guilt and overall I need a DID therapist.

Calling parts forward is good, it works if done in a gentle safe manner which is why the overlord had that job. He would gently wake up and put to sleep whoever was needed. When the DID guy at work created a revolving door effect he sent Mandy. Mandy named all his parts and would say who he was and the overlord would pair up relavent parts who could cope with his particular alters. We don't have any of these problems at the moment. Any fronting part can deal with our job, they can cook and do house stuff and Beth helps with homework for the children. So we don't need a complex arrangement of making sure the right part is out.

We started a time share about ten years ago. It seemed fair. The parts who didn't want to be out like the twins, the overlord and Paul took internal jobs. Lilly and the fragments are the only parts I can think of who have no inside or outside role to help the system. No-one was still banished at that point. She could take the body do whatever she wanted and cause a blackout that even the twins couldn't see what she'd done so they put her with the overlord. I think her time with him and seeing other parts, how they live and come out and in has made her respect and appreciate the system more because she hasn't took the body and blocked everyone so far.

It causes me the issue of feeling indistinguishable from alters, like I don't know who I am sometimes but I just say "I'm me" and it simplifies it in my brain - what's a name anyway. I see it like I'm all of them. They may not be able to fuse because of differences being too great atm - beliefs etc but we are all part of this body and brain so even though we're different we are sort of one. That's why time share seems fair but like I said at the moment the parts that are capable to front show up pretty much when they want. Thinking about it though trying to make them show up or to be around when they don't want to is counterproductive - they are antisocial, they do not like being told when or what to do unless you're paying them and they see things differently to other parts who were naturally cooperative. The Overlord is saying he did try that at first but they got very agitated, bored and started thinking outside the box - that's how he's saying it I think he means they started thinking about doing things that might be overall harmful, they like drugs for example so that might be their first thought if forced out and bored.

Anyway it's working with them helping out here whenever they want to however they can. I like everyone in the system to call us "me" and we "I" as much as possible. To try to unify us but other than that as many parts as possible being able to participate in life is good.
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Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby debetoile » Mon Jan 06, 2020 5:57 pm

Thanks for all your replies they are really useful. Oh my, I didn't realise it had come across as triggering them out using negative things - yes I meant encouraging them to come out using positive triggers like leaving things out the kids will get excited over.

My T accepts that we have DID (and is actually confused as to why the diagnosis for over 8 years has only been dissociative disorder because it's so obvious I have lots of dissociative identities). But in the past few weeks we've realised she may not actually be the right therapist for us. She is lovely and some of the teens have done some work with her that they wouldn't do with any of the other therapists as we still lived with our family at the time. But we hide a lot of things from her, we chatted about it today. She knows when something isn't quite right with us even when we don't say - but surely a T you should say I feel like I'm about to go into crisis, instead of turning up the week after IN a crisis. It's the mental health team - the psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse that I feel want me to be Hannah or Steph - alters who can cope, get on with life, and are fine etc. Whenever we saw them we switched to those parts and had to supress everyone else because they weren't allowed out because they didn't fit the expectations of the psychiatrist of nurse. Seeing the psychiatrist this thurs so fingers crossed that on her own we are able to be ourself and tell her how much we struggle and need the support.

Since our post a lot has happened. We've allowed ourselves to let go and stop being strong and prented that we are ok. We have 3 new child alters which I didn't know was possible at this stage of our life or therapy :shock: We're listening to a lot of music (new tunes that aren't on our mp3 player), and doing a lot of drawing and colouring which we haven't done for over a year. Oh, and I'm refusing to be Hannah which is the name we felt we had to use for the entire past year because that's what people wanted to call us and we couldn't decide on another name. We still haven't decided what we would like to be called but telling people we are not Hannah somehow makes us feel more comfortable and moreourself.
The main ones around nowadays are
Hannah (18) Hannah (5) Rachel (21) Rach(5) Tiffany (4) Layla (4) Steph (18-21) Kaja (18) Katie (14) Katy (14)
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Re: Need more "we" not "me"

Postby Johnny-Jack » Wed Jan 08, 2020 3:36 am

It's very clear to us that our system heals faster than anything else by having alters front and spend time in our world. Therapy works when we deal with specific traumas and the alters involved are there in the body, though not alone but with our host John, to participate in therapy and be in the body and in the present. If you don't lose time and are able to switch back in if needed, why not?

We've been diagnosed at least 8 years and just a few months ago we found our most recent little. We've found alters sporadically each of the past 8 years. I don't know what's normal but that's how it's gone for us. I think the few-month spans when our alter discoveries stopped was when we were trying to be more me than we, due to outside world reasons like job pressure, and/or we had no or inadequate therapy.

debetoile wrote:The past few weeks I've started switching a lot more (T has been away), and I am happier being "we" than just "me", I feel more alive, like i'm actually living, even though it is also causing a lot more confusion related to switching like not really knowing what supermarket I'm in, let alone which aisle.

This was really lovely to read. And it resonates for us. It also sounds like an easy choise.
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