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Today's session with my DID Psychologist

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Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Thu Jan 02, 2020 9:43 pm

She said Thorne and Abela are alters because we feel different ways about things.

I asked her if I needed to have present day amnesia to be DID. She said she realizes I'm mostly co-con but I could have a very small amount of amnesia I am not aware of..

She thinks a list of why I think or have been told I have DID is good and why I don't so when I doubt I can pull out the lists and see Hey, I have alot of reasons to be I do have DID and not so many things on the list that I dont.

She also suggested I have scheduled times to talk to the alters so my concentration isn't messed up.

She said that the weird thoughts and phrases that the thoughts say are from a psychotic or manic alter. She said she has never heard me speak word salad. So it's an alter that does.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jan 02, 2020 10:08 pm

Are you recording this here so you can look back and remember it? Because you didn’t say one word about what you think or feel about all those things that she said to you.

I mean, I’m interested in what you wrote because I always like to hear how other people’s T sessions go, and I’m intrigued by the idea of a psychotic or manic alter. That didn’t occur to me and it makes perfect sense.

But I’m just curious about why you’re just relaying what your psychologist said without also processing it and adding your take on it.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:03 pm

Yes, I was writing it down here because I write in a notebook but I'm afraid they will get messed up. Also, because I haven't quite processed it. Some of the things I have processed are Abela and Thorne may be my desires but I have a conscience. My therapist of 8 years used to say that I had a strong moral compass. She did not think I had alters. She wasnt awate of alot though. But I wonder if those are me and my desires not Abela's and Thorne's but I don't embrace those desires because I have a conscience. I do however think it's possible I have a psychotic or manic alter. It would explain how I can be psychotic and level headed at the same time. And how I can self soothe to bring my mania down and why the chatter sometimes goes a mile a minute. And the nonsensical chatter. I also saw my Psychiatric NP today. He signed my disability papers for my student loans. This means they will no longer be taking 140 a month out of my disability check. He asked me how therapy was going. I told him about what my Psychologist said about maybe having a psychotic or manic alter. He said Yeah, so we could be dealing with many issues and they are the experts. I am trying to get off meds though. That didn't help my case. It did however show me he isn't the biggest *** and always thinks he has all the answers because he used to be very hesitant to add DID to my diagnoses. I didn't tell him she recommended Latuda for the mania, keep the Invega for the DID (not because it treats DID but because it helps stress and alters come out more with stress) and to add Ability for psychosis. I didn't say anything because I am anti psychiatric meds and this would mean not getting off of them and adding one more.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Fri Jan 03, 2020 3:38 pm

I know it shouldn't matter because it's all "me" but it does because one I don't want to feel like they are part of me and two because if they don't exist I don't have DID or a dissociative disorder at all and I want to know if i do.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Sat Jan 04, 2020 8:30 pm

Trigger Warning(talk of a sexual stuff and kids)Let me give an example. I dont want you guys to think Im just refusing to listen to you. This is why Im unsure about it being me or an alter. I have never looked at any bad pictures of kids or hurt a kid. If I have picture someone gave me. A clothed child,my mind may go to something sexual. I don't enjoy looking at them sexually but I do like looking at them because they are pretty and sometimes that turns sexual. When it turns sexual (in thought only) I feel guilt and put the picture away. So is it because I like those thoughts but have a conscience? Or is it an alter that wants to look at pictures that way and I don't? Same with the psychotic stuff. I don't want to do what they want to do but they do. I know it isn't OCD because someone really wants to smack somebody upside the head sometimes and people with OCD don't act. I know I could but I don't so how do I know if Ireally do but don't because I have conscience. My therapist knows all this stuff and I dont engage in anything illegal. Please don't judge me.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Allcoulors » Sat Jan 04, 2020 10:46 pm

You stop judging and get to work on those feelings inside of you. Weather there from an alter or not, you need do deal with them.
Why doesnt you T work through this with you if she knows about it? Or are you as distracting in therapy as you are in here so you dont actually have to work on anything but can keep avoiding and getting attention this way.
Are you afraid of being a grown up and having resposibilities of your own? Do you feel safer being sick so people rake care of you?
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Sat Jan 04, 2020 11:11 pm

Like I said before I just want to know for me. My DID Psychologist says it's an alter but I plan talk to her more about it next week also with my therapist who hasn't said one way or the other but we work on it anyway.She tells me to work on my breathing exercises to get oxygen to my brain for clear thinking and grounding exercises. I practice those before bed each night. She talks to me about keeping myself and others safe by aboiding people and things that make me uncomfortable. I don't know how much more we can do to work on it but I'm open for suggestions.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jan 05, 2020 12:54 am

You work on it by talking about those feelings, and seeing if you can understand the reasons for them. Someone who wants to hurt another person is angry--why are they angry? Someone who has a sexual thought about a child--what is the meaning of that to them? What are the feelings that come up? You said that someone likes those thoughts, but are they tied to memories?

All of these uncomfortable feelings need to be explored--thought about, written about, and talked about with your T. You can avoid the people and things that make you uncomfortable, but continuing to avoid the feelings gets you nowhere.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Sun Jan 05, 2020 1:30 am

I totally get that but it's all I can work on. I've talked about everything with my T. Problem is I don't feel angry. I don't know where those feelings came from. I dont know where they come from now. Im not actually angry with anyone so I dont know why they pop up. My T has me keeping a journal so we can maybe find a theme. I don't remember anything happening to me. I don't know what's up with the kid stuff. I know it isn't anything to do with sexual gratification. I literally just started having bad thoughts when I was 8 and I have no clue why unless it had to do with the sex I was having with my peers. I have huge chunks missing out of my childhood. I don't know where this stuff comes from. I have a very little emotions. It makes it difficult when I dont know why or where things come from. Unfortunately I can't make my memory come back. My DID Psychologist won't do hypnotherapy for repressed memories and I don't blame her. My T doing EMDR may have made some alters emerge since I didn't hear the chatter till after that. So if I do have DID she's not qualified to do that anymore. She isn't DID trained. Plus EMDR isn't really for that and I'm afraid to do it anymore. I'm not making excuses. I genuinely have no clue why I have the feelings I do. I remember my teachers at school from kindergarten all the way up. I remember my sister being born. Having strep throat. I remember my grandparents. I couldn't tell you what my bedroom looked like before 7. I don't remember much about my mom or dad before 11. I only remember like two of my birthdays and Christmas. I remember the sexual stuff with my peers and the sexual stuff with my cousin but my bad thoughts started before the stuff with my cousin.I remember Daycare.
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Re: Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Postby Rive » Sun Jan 05, 2020 3:53 am

And yes someone does like those thoughts and I'm scared to death it's me. I know it's all me anyway. Its just more scary thinking of it like that.
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