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Books

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 01, 2020 6:47 pm

I have started writing the twins books. It feels like there's countless obstacles to carrying on with them. I'm writing the thread here to out the obstacles.

Right now I'm sitting with guilt. I was doing nothing watching TV and thought "this has to stop" so expressed that and the bf thought I was saying he had to stop, I wasn't, but he took it very personally like I care if he's lazy or not - this is Beth btw - and went on and on about things relating to him not being lazy (I'm guessing, I stopped listening and watched cat videos) and then he left.

Now I feel like I "should" fold the washing. I "should" take the children out. I "should" do anything other than write. Then I heard "gremlin at the outer edges" which this is my gremlin. I procrastinate, I sit with guilt about things I ought to do and end up doing nothing, basically paralysed by guilt. I'm not sad or depressed anymore. I can feel a capacity to give a damn about other people again which I had lost since 2011 when Karen died but not over whether they sit watching TV or not lol. I can't get into a discussion over that when I was talking about myself if he takes it personal that's his problem but I'm still sitting with the guilt.

So in going to fact up the situation. Fact: bf has now gone to visit his aunt, which he apparently wanted to before but hasn't. Fact: outside children were tidying their rooms and are now playing happily, which they do argue so to interrupt their fun time because I feel I "ought" to take them out would be selfish. Fact: washing can wait to be folded...feel I ought to shower first Fact: if I go shower now I will do other stuff and I can shower late.... writing is too much I have to go over it all first to carry on where it was left off Fact: if I do that now it's a start. I want a drink Fact: I just had one...I do not deserve to write books, nobody will read them, the stories are dumb and I'll possibly end up with a fatwa, my father said repeatedly "writing is a waste of time because all the stories have already been told" I loved making up stories as a kid and writing was a dream I had but I wasn't allowed dreams and was forced into academia which we collectively shat all over so we gleaned literally nothing positive from the people who abused, tortured and controlled us. Fact: I like anyone am allowed dreams. I am as entitled as anyone else to follow them. People write books other people read every day. Getting a fatwa is very unlikely. There's loads of other things I could be doing in life but I want to write these books (I think we all do) but Gremlins.

I'm asking "any other gremlins" and I'm seeing self harm images which says to me self hatred and not feeling good enough to give time to something I love.

I was very creative as a child but because of how parents were it was attacked from many angles. Also my grandmother would put incredible pressure on me to be creative. Creativity became dangerous. So that could also be fear of harm if I write. I guess I fear the bf harming me if I write because I fear he will be jealous of me writing or something which I have no grounds for that and it's a childhood based fear because creativity became dangerous. Positive attention from grandmother lead to negative attention from mother. Put that with my father saying there can't be any new stories over and over - pain and brainwashing basically and to me creative expression equals self harm. I started the books in hospital where nobody could bother me. I had a confident there who read what I wrote and encouraged me. Here at home I have guilt and fear. Which isn't caused by those around me, it's caused by the inner demons my parents left me with. If I'm creative I will be punished. If I'm creative it's a waste of time. If I'm creative I will cause jealousy and wrath.

Basically I'm terrified to write outside the protective environment of a hospital even though there's nobody here to persecute me because the persecution is internalised.

So maybe now I'm terrified to be creative because I will not be persecuted. Like what Martin Luther king said "we are not frightened of failure. Our biggest fear is that we will be successful beyond our wildest dreams" It's that.

I need to feel safe to write. I need to know it doesn't lead to punishment. At the same time I need to learn that it's ok not to be punished for being creative. I need support and encouragement and safety. I need to know that internally first, that it's ok to write even though we're not in a protective environment of hospital where there are rules and people who make sure you don't hurt yourself and don't make you feel bad for sitting writing. In fact they're glad because you're not smashing stuff and other things people do in psychiatric hospital, you're just quietly writing and it's ok.

The twins always had a fear of their writing being stolen. They killed that fear. So they are ok about it as long as there's copies so the work can't be destroyed or lost. It's not them fearing anymore. They have been working to stabilise life so writing is possible, there's time and it's pleasant. They're trying to create a nice environment for writing without it consuming us. They write some songs years ago, it consumed us and we went crazy. They are all about life balance now. They want their words on paper in books, their stories but they want it done in an enjoyable manner. They want everyone to feel good about it. They want it incorporated into daily life. The foundations of that are laid. It's personal Gremlins. I'll take one step at a time. Step one walk upstairs and get laptop and drive they hid and find back up drive and print first pages. I can do step one. Printing so we can read the stories starts whenever we want.
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Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 01, 2020 9:47 pm

I printed the book pages so I can read them. I'd written alot more than I thought on a couple of them and planned out the endings of some. There's seven books 5 I started, one I know it and the seventh one I can't remember at all but I know I wrote it down somewhere and somebody will remember it at the right time.

The 5 I started are good except one is a mess. It's the one I'm worried about getting a fatwa over. It's been written out different ways but none are quite right. It's the first chapter that isn't right. The second chapter is ok. The ending is ok. It leads to the second book and the last book is there and that's basically started ok. I'm missing book 6. I need to get the first chapter of the first book right first. That's still the starting point even though other books are started and they're fine. I can't write seven books and the start of the first book be wrong. So possibly on top of everything else I wrote above about this and what's stopping me from writing I think it's also that the start of the first book is wrong. It's written out so many times and slightly differently that clearly they are having problems with it.

I got my middle son to read a couple of the starts and he although he said the others were good he also said the first book start is not great. It's the twins all over, the very first paragraph is them having a massive insider joke with themselves so although I see the humour it doesn't read well as a start to a book. Also my son said some of it read like a child wrote it so a child probably did. I need to try to rewrite it without loosing content so it's understandable and gripping like the other book starts.
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Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: Books

Postby ArbreMonde » Thu Jan 02, 2020 9:44 am

Do not worry about what others will think. Write first. Write for yourself/ves. Write for your own pleasure. You'll think later about the "is it a proper way to write a book?" if you decide to look for an editor. But until then, just write for your own enjoyment. Write because you feel like you need to write. Write for yourself/ves.

Just write. You will think about the rest later.

--Zami--
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Jan 02, 2020 7:19 pm

Thanks Zami :)

Yea, they are writing for themselves. It's mostly the twins stories and one is Roses and Patricks. Mine is not based on internal life, nobody started it, it's a faction book that fits into their story lines involving pirates.

I think the twins left me all their drafts of the start of the first book because I'm a reader and I know exactly how to change it but keep the content and make it more readable.

Plus I'm a studier, I have the reading and studying capacity to read it over and over for them. I worked out how to do what they want to the start, left a note, so that bit is ok. If they want me to I'll have a go at writing it tomorrow. If they want to write it themselves they'll just take over.

It is for us that we're writing.

They're stories, I couldn't tell you when the twins started writing and internally telling them, but I have known of their stories for six years. I started research and planning my story about eight years ago. Mandy wrote a children's book already, two childrens books, but haven't tried to publish them or anything she likes them. Rose's story is her internal world story so I can't say how long I've been aware of it but it became a possible book idea about six years ago too. The illusive part also has a book and it ties in all the other books into a series. Her book start is fine except I have to take out the word c*** here and there. It's sci-fi type thing. It's clever how she wants to weave the books into a series considering they would be completely unrelated but that'll be left to her.

We're all write our stories, critique and edit them and then she'll write her book and edit if necessary to make them all link. I can see how they flow from the starts and planned endings.

We want to publish them. We don't do anything for fun but we always have fun whatever we're doing and if they don't get published I know we'll be pleased we did it. We need to do it - it's sort of feels like purging our brain.

But yeah, we write for ourselves. We only ever do things we enjoy. Plus this is the right time to do it. We have to help our youngest son because he's got behind at school which means working part time. So we can finally write our books.

I was feeling pretty useless. That they don't need me. But they do. To do this, to follow it through, they need my - I dunno what the right word is : they will all sit there write 8000 words without blinking but then don't want to read over it, check details and make sure they're carrying on where they left off. I read it all over for them a few times, corrected a few grammar and changed words where needed, made sure they weren't repeating themselves, printer it, ordered it - I keep them going with this and on track I guess. I couldn't of done it whilst miserable but I was mostly miserable because we couldn't stick to our original plan and I had nothing to focus on but now I do. And it's important to us so I'm excited since I got over the gremlins.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Jan 03, 2020 5:12 pm

I kept the first two paragraphs. They were much more punchy than my first paragraph which then became the third paragraph. I just edited a tiny bit of their start then wrote the next bit from a different angle. Next I'm editing in the next bit of theirs. I did three hours on it today so that's enough. I also did washing, hoovered, made lunch and got my youngest so to do some math. I'm making dinner now so I'm definitely staying with life and writing - and enjoying it although it's not easy.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Jan 07, 2020 10:00 am

Got up and am ready to continue writing. But I had this horrible dream and I need to get it off my chest. I dreamt my parents were ok and nice and I woke up feeling physically sick.

When I made the phone call to the police about the father the police man said "what if you're just dreaming it" or something similar.

Well I haven't had any dreams of my parents doing anything to me. I've had flashbacks and fragments stuck reliving stuff but no dreams. My dreams are however full of "the parents are ok good people" Even to write this it's making me feel physically sick again.

Why is my brain torturing me with these dreams. Even if I take away the fragment memories: my father is a womaniser who spent more time at football than at home. When he was at home any conversation was a head f. I didn't have choices in life, the conversation at age 11 about which schools was "we can talk all night and then you're going where I want you to" At 16 it was "you look everywhere else, go on a taster week at an engineering college and then you're staying where you are" Every conversation was a brainwash or being told straight "you have no choice, you're doing this" One of his phrases was "resistance is futile" He had alot of phrases which I learnt in an abuse course that abusers use key phrases to trigger the victims. Another one was "don't give me problems give me results" if I wanted to talk to him.

My mother would see anything I liked and take it away. My cat, my dance lessons. My sister was allowed to carry on with dance. I slept in a damp room for years with a wasp nest and they both laughed when the wasps sting me. I thought about this and even if I couldn't move the nest I would of had my child sleep in a different room.

When my mother would come to visit for a few hours I wasn't allowed to cook for my children because she wanted my attention but she didn't talk to me. My father would visit if I was low, eg one time I had no heating and he came not to fix it but knowing I was low to say triggering stuff and make me feel worse than just cold.

So even take away SA and they were not ok. They both drunk a bottle of wine every night. They are terrible with money. We had to hide when gas meter readers came. I wore PE kit from lost property. When me and my sister were caught skipping school they were annoyed they had to go to the school and said if you want back day off just ask. By age 14 we were doing whatever we liked - drink, drugs, guys because after all the control they just stopped which is when me and my sister went off the rails. As children we would wait to be told anything, we were like stepford children in other peoples houses. And my children are like that around my parents but very free here.

So no my parents are not ok despite my dreams lieing to me.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Jan 07, 2020 10:23 am

And as for "I'm imagining it" that I was SA other than the flashbacks and reliving of fragments I told two people when I was little what happened. At aged under 4 my babysitter wanted to measure my height, I'm not sure why, but I thought she was going to touch me in appropriately and I said something to her. I didn't know what I was saying was messed up. She was upset, I didn't have a babysitter again other than my grandmother. She was young, like 14, her name was Carrie and I don't blame her. Same as I don't blame my friend Louise's mum. Their dog bit my finger and I got triggered and said stuff to her mum. I know she argued with my mother and then she didn't walk me to school anymore but again I don't blame her. It was quite messed up what I said and it's much easier to be in denial of something than to do something and risk a family. Although when I had a similar dilemma about a boy in my son's class because his teacher told me stuff about the boy I called social services and told them what I knew and also said I wanted the school investigated for negligence in not doing anything and in telling me. The boy wasn't removed from parents it was the step father. So again it's a different situation but I would of done the same thing if it was his parents. Still different people have different fears and my mother is expert at putting on a front and making it seem like I am mad, when I was a child it was I have an overactive imagination. So I told people stuff and why the hell would I do that, kids can't make up stuff like that not at age 4 or 6. Something is seriously wrong.

It's my own mind torturing me with my past denial of my childhood didn't have terrible SA and my DID is due to emotional neglect and controlling parents. That denial was nice but now it's more of a torture than a comfort.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Jan 07, 2020 2:55 pm

I wrote some more of the book. I will continue it again tomorrow.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Re: Books

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 08, 2020 4:38 pm

No bad dreams last night and managed to run a couple of errands before writing today.

Wrote some more but got stuck between 4 different edits. The confusion drained me and I had to lay down for an hour.

May pick the edit or edit all the bits together tonight. I have work for next three days so no writing.

No money to go swimming before I write yet but fingers crossed I can afford to put that into my new routine soon.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:34 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Books

Postby MeMyselfMaureen » Thu Jan 09, 2020 12:48 am

It is great to hear you have found a passion. Keep at it :-)
Grace
Grace (host) Mo (protector) Peter (child) Elspeth (child) Midnight (unkown) Shadow (fragment, grief holder, toddler) Aegipan (goatbeing - the ultimate solution) Christopher (faith, caretaker)
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