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Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

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Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Zor » Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:35 pm

So like remember when we talked about the ppl at the church and one being really made, hurt, and lashing out- like accusations and hatred and all?

So last night Zor's wife was there doing security for them for an event... and the guy that was behind much (if not most) of that approached her to talk privately, and said he wants to this with Zor/us, too... and HE APOLOGIZED. Said he was wrong, just scared, angry, hurt... and wasn't right to make those accusations and say what he did.

That's like HUGE... totally surprised us. After almost 2 years (will be in April), we thought it'd never happen.

Zor decided not to go last night, I TRIED to get him to go... but the guy said he wants to talk to him/us, too. IDK how cool he is with the "us" aspect, but this is a good start- he wants to apologize to Zor in person, too. To begin to reconcile. I'm shocked, and actually hopeful about this for the first time ever- even if it's very cautiously hopeful.

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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Amythyst » Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:53 pm

Hi Pixie,

That's good news.

However, I'm probably being paranoid but if I were in your position, I'd meet at a public place with lots of witnesses. I don't trust them.

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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby IainEtc » Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:37 pm

Hi Pixie,

Oh man that's great news!

I'm with Em though - public place, witnesses, make sure it's a real apology (not a non-apology apology like 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings' bullsh*t).

Good luck,

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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:44 pm

Reading about this again what strikes me as odd is that he got upset in the first place.

What was he personally upset for?

My mind is boggling, did he have personal interaction with anyone internal that Zor doesn't know about? For example. But I am having my own personal wonderings at the moment so that's probably why my mind is going down that route.

It's great he's apologising. Whatever his reasons were for his own personal upset, and it seems like he was threatened by you saying you have DID for some reason, he's over it to some degree where he is at least apologising so that's great.

Then again I'm thinking back to high school when people would be bullies but then run away from me and I didn't know why.. it's odd he's suddenly apologising, why now?

Anyway still it's the resolve you wanted and fingers crossed some acceptance at your church.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Zor » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:06 pm

Amythyst wrote:Hi Pixie,

That's good news.

However, I'm probably being paranoid but if I were in your position, I'd meet at a public place with lots of witnesses. I don't trust them.

Em


Zor here. So according to my wife, when he talked to her privately, it was WITH another person present, and any talk with him and I would certainly be with another person, too. Something I would be grateful and far more comfortable with myself.

I think at this point we (Pixie and I, and I'm sure others too) are "cautiously hopeful". Not even cautiously optimistic yet. I hope there's good cause for optimism in this... time will tell.

BUT this IS a good first step for reconciliation and peace. It is GOOD he can accept what he said was wrong, admit it, and apologize. THAT is respectable and noble. I appreciate this a lot. Where it leads, well... we'll see. First things first. Details can be worked out later.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Zor » Tue Dec 31, 2019 3:01 am

Sarandipity wrote:Reading about this again what strikes me as odd is that he got upset in the first place.

What was he personally upset for?

My mind is boggling, did he have personal interaction with anyone internal that Zor doesn't know about? For example. But I am having my own personal wonderings at the moment so that's probably why my mind is going down that route.

It's great he's apologising. Whatever his reasons were for his own personal upset, and it seems like he was threatened by you saying you have DID for some reason, he's over it to some degree where he is at least apologising so that's great.

Then again I'm thinking back to high school when people would be bullies but then run away from me and I didn't know why.. it's odd he's suddenly apologising, why now?

Anyway still it's the resolve you wanted and fingers crossed some acceptance at your church.


Sorry missed your question above the first time I read it somehow...

So he was personally upset b/c of how close Katya and Pixie had gotten with his wife. More specifically Katya who had personal (NOT explicit) conversations with, about her life inside and her boyfriend and mixed feelings about certain things, etc. Apparently it was "deeply personal" stuff - though from what I've heard generally more TO her than FROM her...

When they found out these friends were NOT different people but all me- they panicked and felt it was deception and intentional willing lies- feeding them fantasy stories to get information or emotionally manipulate them or something... Not entirely sure beyond they didn't know it was DID (_I_ didn't know, and Katya didn't know she WAS an alter and freaked out over all this- took about a YEAR for her to accept it even in the face of everything).

By the time we met with people 2 months after the initial discovery (they knew before _I_ did remember), I had two doctors initial diagnoses of "unspecified dissociative disorder". We didn't KNOW it was DID yet (and this was a term relatively new to me; dissociation/dissociative disorders were something I'd never heard of before), just dissociation of some sort.

Initially they rejected this, and that caused fear... even if they HAD accepted that, the false connotations about it and the accusations that came FROM that fear would have caused a similar exile like thing.

To be clear, too, I DON'T know we'll be returning to that church- certainly NOT immediately, certainly NOT regularly for a very long time, if ever. If when he and I talk he invites me back, since it was largely him that pushed us out, I think I will make the effort periodically at first... small steps... and see where it leads. But it'll be a very slow process and very careful, given the risk this presents due to how things went to hell once already.

IMHO, it COULD be a good opportunity to be more open with others- most of them there have NO IDEA... but have been concerned over our prolonged absence, and those that know have been supportive. So maybe this can help educate some people and help shatter their ignorance-based fear reaction and cluelessness about DID- and by extension mental health issues in general.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:24 pm

Zor wrote:
Sarandipity wrote:Reading about this again what strikes me as odd is that he got upset in the first place.

What was he personally upset for?

My mind is boggling, did he have personal interaction with anyone internal that Zor doesn't know about? For example. But I am having my own personal wonderings at the moment so that's probably why my mind is going down that route.

It's great he's apologising. Whatever his reasons were for his own personal upset, and it seems like he was threatened by you saying you have DID for some reason, he's over it to some degree where he is at least apologising so that's great.

Then again I'm thinking back to high school when people would be bullies but then run away from me and I didn't know why.. it's odd he's suddenly apologising, why now?

Anyway still it's the resolve you wanted and fingers crossed some acceptance at your church.


Sorry missed your question above the first time I read it somehow...

So he was personally upset b/c of how close Katya and Pixie had gotten with his wife. More specifically Katya who had personal (NOT explicit) conversations with, about her life inside and her boyfriend and mixed feelings about certain things, etc. Apparently it was "deeply personal" stuff - though from what I've heard generally more TO her than FROM her...

When they found out these friends were NOT different people but all me- they panicked and felt it was deception and intentional willing lies- feeding them fantasy stories to get information or emotionally manipulate them or something... Not entirely sure beyond they didn't know it was DID (_I_ didn't know, and Katya didn't know she WAS an alter and freaked out over all this- took about a YEAR for her to accept it even in the face of everything).

By the time we met with people 2 months after the initial discovery (they knew before _I_ did remember), I had two doctors initial diagnoses of "unspecified dissociative disorder". We didn't KNOW it was DID yet (and this was a term relatively new to me; dissociation/dissociative disorders were something I'd never heard of before), just dissociation of some sort.

Initially they rejected this, and that caused fear... even if they HAD accepted that, the false connotations about it and the accusations that came FROM that fear would have caused a similar exile like thing.

To be clear, too, I DON'T know we'll be returning to that church- certainly NOT immediately, certainly NOT regularly for a very long time, if ever. If when he and I talk he invites me back, since it was largely him that pushed us out, I think I will make the effort periodically at first... small steps... and see where it leads. But it'll be a very slow process and very careful, given the risk this presents due to how things went to hell once already.

IMHO, it COULD be a good opportunity to be more open with others- most of them there have NO IDEA... but have been concerned over our prolonged absence, and those that know have been supportive. So maybe this can help educate some people and help shatter their ignorance-based fear reaction and cluelessness about DID- and by extension mental health issues in general.


Ok that makes sense. I can see how he'd feel threatened, and if knowing nothing about DID would think you're saying that to cover you trying to get his wife to open up.

So I think take his apology, give him a chance. It's good it's took this long because that says he means it. Also if he's the main antagonist but has gained understanding and also is now seeing your side and DID he could become your biggest champion which means support for you and that's the most important thing imo.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Zor » Wed Jan 01, 2020 2:59 pm

Sarandipity wrote:Ok that makes sense. I can see how he'd feel threatened, and if knowing nothing about DID would think you're saying that to cover you trying to get his wife to open up.

So I think take his apology, give him a chance. It's good it's took this long because that says he means it. Also if he's the main antagonist but has gained understanding and also is now seeing your side and DID he could become your biggest champion which means support for you and that's the most important thing imo.


His wife and 13 year old daughter- both were close to us (my wife and I). So I get the fear reaction initially. Totally understandable. Heck, _I_ was scared immediately and for the first several weeks until I finally got to see a T and started to describe what had been going on and what people knew and told me, etc. Until the doc said "I know what this is, what it sounds like, and it's something we can work with." I was terrified.

So I get being scared- two months later being practically frothing at the mouth mad like day 1... and the lashing out... that was what really hurt, b/c THAT took intention. And he admitted that to my wife. He said he held on to fear and anger and didn't listen and didn't want to... so maybe, I hope, he's willing to NOW.

I know he's visiting his father this week, so it'll be next week (at the earliest) that we get to talk- and yes, a mutual friend of ours will be with us, just b/c he knows the situation and both of us well... to kind of help things be a little less awkward or uncomfortable... and as a witness, of course.

You're right, too- since he IS the main antagonist... if HE is willing to back down on that, listen, apologize, and TRY... That's a very good thing, and maybe it'll be an example to others. And honestly I'd LOVE for he and his wife (who were becoming very close friends before all this) would be come very good allies and supporters- it's something we desperately need.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Wed Jan 01, 2020 5:45 pm

This may provoke some but I believe there's another half to all this. I think you need to apologize to him too, especially if you truly want to move beyond this. Even though you as a system were unaware that you were inadvertently communicating to his wife and him in a way that didn't reflect being one human being, I feel you still own some amount of responsibility for having such a negative effect on someone you were close to.

As you say, this other man was the key antagonist. But the initial cause of that was all of you. Unintentionally, you antagonized him. It seems he felt shock and betrayal. Although he overreacted greatly in anger, the initial cause was you collectively. Most likely the degree of upset and detachment he showed indicates his own issues with shock and betrayal, which were probably there long before he met you. It sounds like his interactions with you triggered all that. A true apology coming from you could help heal whatever "demons" he holds and projected onto you.

Even if you apologized before, you have a new context now and he should be able to hear it in a different way. And you aren't the same person as before so your apology would be inherently different.

I think the presence of other people would be useful not due to concerns about what this man might be up to but more as witnesses to your mutual statements of remorse and renewal of bonds that were once there. Hopefully you all may out of this much closer, even the witnesses, with a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other's human frailties than ever before.
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Re: Plot Twist (Received an Apology)

Postby Zor » Thu Jan 02, 2020 5:04 am

Johnny-Jack wrote:This may provoke some but I believe there's another half to all this. I think you need to apologize to him too, especially if you truly want to move beyond this. Even though you as a system were unaware that you were inadvertently communicating to his wife and him in a way that didn't reflect being one human being, I feel you still own some amount of responsibility for having such a negative effect on someone you were close to.

As you say, this other man was the key antagonist. But the initial cause of that was all of you. Unintentionally, you antagonized him. It seems he felt shock and betrayal. Although he overreacted greatly in anger, the initial cause was you collectively. Most likely the degree of upset and detachment he showed indicates his own issues with shock and betrayal, which were probably there long before he met you. It sounds like his interactions with you triggered all that. A true apology coming from you could help heal whatever "demons" he holds and projected onto you.

Even if you apologized before, you have a new context now and he should be able to hear it in a different way. And you aren't the same person as before so your apology would be inherently different.

I think the presence of other people would be useful not due to concerns about what this man might be up to but more as witnesses to your mutual statements of remorse and renewal of bonds that were once there. Hopefully you all may out of this much closer, even the witnesses, with a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other's human frailties than ever before.


I actually had the same thought about apologizing, too, and I totally agree. I did that somewhat two months later when all this first came out- but it was still very vague and not well understood yet what was going on. Now, 18 months later, there's a LOT more I know and CAN say... So I had already decided to do the same thing.
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