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So much of my life is internal

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So much of my life is internal

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:41 pm

Wrote a post about Karen but it got long and turned into me finding out what happened yesterday. Which if anyone asked I'd say "went to work. Was ok" but it was so much more than that. The whole day was a team effort. Dialogue between alters, dealing with everything was joint. The post I wrote started because I was thinking about a dream I had about Karen so I know a little about her internal life from that.

And by the end of what I wrote I thought so much of my experience of life is internal. Nobody would realise. So I'm going to start a journal again. Not to discuss, like I tried before, but to just write about each day and who was there. Yesterday started with Lilly waking up and not wanting to go to work so the twins made a story that the devil was trapped in our rabbit and we had to break Stalin out of Hell so he could do something good. Then others did work but that's how the twins had to get Lilly to get dressed till someone else took over.

I wouldn't have remembered any of that if I hadn't started to write and wonder "hang on I don't remember yesterday at all...what happened"

So I'm making a journal. So much is internal. You guys probably all realise this already but to me it's massive and quite new. It's not just about which alter believes what or their preferences, it's about what happened yesterday, what was their experience of it. They go to work in teams and they all are quite different in how they experience things. I need to get to know this so I get to know them. You guys here all know this already I'm sure and most keep journals too I'm guessing but I'm just seeing the benefits of it and realising what goes on just to keep my life going.
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(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby SeveralCrows » Mon Dec 30, 2019 3:18 am

I think a lot about how rich the inner life is compared to the outer life, for our system. We have been making efforts both towards keeping track of the inner life, with a journal like you bring up, but also to make a richer external experience as well.

It's alright that it's a new realization. I hope it serves you well to have noticed it and to write about it.

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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:57 pm

SeveralCrows wrote:I think a lot about how rich the inner life is compared to the outer life, for our system. We have been making efforts both towards keeping track of the inner life, with a journal like you bring up, but also to make a richer external experience as well.

It's alright that it's a new realization. I hope it serves you well to have noticed it and to write about it.

Crows


Not the inner world goings on, I don't think I'd be able to. There's three internal worlds. I'm completely out of the loop with that, I get snippets so I will add them.

I meant how there is dialogue I could easily forget. Like yesterday I tried to walk up the stairs in the dark. I tripped. No-one practiced that as a kid all the time. She can run up the stairs even in our house now in the dark on the parts of least noise, she knows how many steps there are. I tripped over the top step. Someone internally laughed and said "you're useless" I said back "I'm not No-one" and then No-one said "do you need me" I said "no I'm fine" Later in the evening I needed someone to read something I couldn't face reading so I asked No-one and she came and read. Things like that where there's internal dialogue, that's what I meant.

Thanks for the support in journaling Crows. It's very cool "Crows" btw :)
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby SeveralCrows » Tue Dec 31, 2019 5:13 pm

Ah, sorry for the ambiguity - I was referring both to inner world experiences, but also just inside the mind, inside the body. No one can see us interacting with each other, when one is fronting and another is near, but we have physical exchanges like passing items or giving hugs.

I like how No-one helped you to read a thing - that sounds really nice. -a younger one

Sarandipity wrote: It's very cool "Crows" btw

Thanks! :D

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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 01, 2020 12:40 pm

SeveralCrows wrote:Ah, sorry for the ambiguity - I was referring both to inner world experiences, but also just inside the mind, inside the body. No one can see us interacting with each other, when one is fronting and another is near, but we have physical exchanges like passing items or giving hugs.

I like how No-one helped you to read a thing - that sounds really nice. -a younger one

Sarandipity wrote: It's very cool "Crows" btw

Thanks! :D

Crows


I panicked when I thought about documenting internal life lol but then I thought I could note what I do get to know. I realised the difference between a flashback, a dream and an internal life image I see. The internal life when I get to see it whether in dream or an awake image is very vivid but lost quickly.

Paul had internal life experience I witnessed. When he finally gave up trying to be in or around the body after his heartattack the twins took him into their world which is not based in reality and anything is possible. He flew threw the sky away from a house I don't recognize and into the air. He shouted this isn't a dream, it's a computer game but felt the wind and exhilaration of flying. He was there for a while, dunno what happened after that and now he's basically better, like going on the most fantastic unimaginable holiday is what he said.

Then a day or two ago I saw someone get shot. When I saw them get shot I knew who got shot and who shot but now I'm not sure. I didn't recognize them as alters. It was very sudden and dramatic. I was standing behind the counter at work and two men were standing in front of it. Suddenly and without warning one pulled a gun out and shot the other in the head. I felt brief adrenaline rush and then was back in the body and had to get ready for work, I knew it was internal world stuff and it didn't bother me. In one of the internal world stuff like that happens and it happens when it has to happen. I don't know why I saw it and as soon as it was over although I could remember both men I couldn't remember who shot who.

So at first I thought omg it I tried to learn the internal world it'd be impossible I can at least note what I do see.

Thanks again :)
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby Sarandipity » Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:06 pm

I'm posting this here because I didn't want to start a new thread. And it's sort of relevant, I searched posts I already made and this probably fits here going by the title.

Me and the bf were talking about something that happened over Christmas. He said that I didn't get juice spilt on me. I knew I did. Then he said "you have a vivid imagination" which is incredibly triggering. I did get juice spilt on me, two other people saw. Anyway the triggering.

Someone inside said "it's like he's trying to trigger the twins out" (I don't think he was, but that must be a trigger for them or something) and then somebody else said "yeah but who would want to trigger two evil psychotic delusional people"

**TW MENTION OF VIOLENCE**

Somebody else was visually thinking about stabbing the bf in the eye with a toothpick, which is an incredibly excessive reaction to "you have a vivid imagination"

**END TRIGGER**


and then another part said "I don't think the twins are evil, delusional and psychotic yeah but not evil" and the other two voices agreed "no not evil" "not evil exactly" In the meantime I was dropping potato I was trying to cook on the floor and getting overly stressed out about gravy. The bf did admit that he didn't remember I got juice spilt on me by my son and that I did and that I wasn't imagining it.

The inner conversation continued about the twins "yeah but you'd be psychotic and delusional if you had to deal with such messed up stuff as a child" and the reply "yeah I guess. They did have to deal with some messed up stuff"

A bit later, maybe ten minutes, one of my outside sons said something, not to me, "this isn't going to work" and then I could feel the stiring of paranoia and delusional thinking like the feeling of "why is he saying that about us" but not in words, a paranoid feeling. My son was talking about something else entirely. One of the voices that was talking about the twins said "he isn't. Nothings wrong. Go back to sleep" and the inner conversation stopped and the paranoid feeling went.

After dinner I realised I'd made a terrible mess cooking and dishing up the dinner. Because of this inner conflict that in reality had little to do with what was happening outside, it was because of a throw away comment of "you have a vivid imagination" Inwardly there was about 10-15 mins of chaos and outwardly I now needed to clean up potato and cheese and butter lids and everything else I'd just left everywhere.

I decided to write this because it felt important and I'm starting to dissociate now, I don't know why, maybe to block this or for some other reason.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby Zor » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:59 am

I can totally relate. So much of OUR life was internal, too- most of us had only lives inside with like outside stuff being "re-interpreted" inside to make sense in the life there... and to keep the outside hidden away, I guess.

I don't really understand the function of that or how/why it happens like specifically... but Katya, Kaleb, and Angel are working through similar difficulties. Trying to adjust to having life outside, life inside (all they've ever known- none of them knew anything about being part of a system- heck, even Kitten and I didn't _really_ get it). And life outside is different, and I'm noticing less "detail" or "vividness" inside, almost a surreal feeling that was always there but FELT normal- seeing how outside DOESN'T have that, it's telling and noticeable.

I like the idea of journaling inner life experiences and stuff- so details and even major things I guess aren't like totally forgotten.

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Re: So much of my life is internal

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Jan 14, 2020 3:06 pm

Zor wrote:I can totally relate. So much of OUR life was internal, too- most of us had only lives inside with like outside stuff being "re-interpreted" inside to make sense in the life there... and to keep the outside hidden away, I guess.

I don't really understand the function of that or how/why it happens like specifically... but Katya, Kaleb, and Angel are working through similar difficulties. Trying to adjust to having life outside, life inside (all they've ever known- none of them knew anything about being part of a system- heck, even Kitten and I didn't _really_ get it). And life outside is different, and I'm noticing less "detail" or "vividness" inside, almost a surreal feeling that was always there but FELT normal- seeing how outside DOESN'T have that, it's telling and noticeable.

I like the idea of journaling inner life experiences and stuff- so details and even major things I guess aren't like totally forgotten.

{\Pixie/}


Internal parts cause a sereal feeling outside or have the feeling of several. It used to cause alot of not knowing what was real and what wasn't.

From how Paul described internal it feels more real. They threw him through the sky. He felt it like it was happening but knew real life doesn't work like that and it felt more real to him than out here.

The only part who goes "oh ###$ real life" is Lilly. She knows straight away doesn't feel surreal and hates it. Real life feels empty and dull to her. It's boring. But she's been inside most of the time even though because she's a basically normal part who could be outside alot unlike the overlord or the twins who can not be outside because they're weird and can't cope and go psychotic out here. Lilly can cope she just doesn't want to. Real life is not her thing. Probably another barrier to fusion or integration because that part of me if it was part of a whole would be bored and disinterested in mundane life all the time and probably want to be psychotic just to break the mundane existence that living is to her. I'd be psychotic if I fused with all parts I'm pretty sure.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
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