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Hi again, question

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Hi again, question

Postby exul » Wed Dec 25, 2019 9:37 pm

Hello! We haven't been present in the forum for quite a while. Things happened but we're still all the same and all seems to be good.

Just wanted to do a quick check-in and see how everyone is doing, and ask a question.

I noticed that since always, I have this thing. I should talk to T about this, but I'm still not comfortable enough for some reason.
The thing is, and I try to keep it short, that I feel like I have to train myself. I'll explain: from when I woke up, I noticed a weird occurance: I don't cry. Don't know why, I just don't. I'm not allowed to, it feels like. When something is upsetting, I always try to find the positive side, or a thing that makes the experience as enjoyable as possible instead of upsetting.
To manage to do this (it seems), I most of the days go dig in the internet for things that I know will upset/disturb me, and then I force myself to endure the feelings that come with them. Disgust, fear, anger, whatever that is that I feel will upset me and make me feel nauseous and simply bad after. I feel like Nico plays a part in this (since he is the one that takes the most upsetting emotions and turns them "off" for us), but I feel like I have no way to actually know because he won't tell.

I don't know how to stop this behaviour and I feel like it might be defined as psychological s/h?
But I don't know why I do this. I'm looking for people with similar experiences happening to them to better understand this thing.

And also how are you? :D

Mi
Body: 20, f
Posters:
Mi (12/14, non-binary), Guardian/Jason (40ish, m), Nico (35, m), Nathan (25ish, m), Xavier (15, m).

Others:
Benedict (42, m), JR (27, m), Leo (19, m), Rebecca (14/16, f), Miles (8, m), Little Girl/Ari (7, f), Viola (5, f), 0 (m), (...)
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exul
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Re: Hi again, question

Postby Sarandipity » Thu Dec 26, 2019 2:23 am

exul wrote:Hello! We haven't been present in the forum for quite a while. Things happened but we're still all the same and all seems to be good.

Just wanted to do a quick check-in and see how everyone is doing, and ask a question.

I noticed that since always, I have this thing. I should talk to T about this, but I'm still not comfortable enough for some reason.
The thing is, and I try to keep it short, that I feel like I have to train myself. I'll explain: from when I woke up, I noticed a weird occurance: I don't cry. Don't know why, I just don't. I'm not allowed to, it feels like. When something is upsetting, I always try to find the positive side, or a thing that makes the experience as enjoyable as possible instead of upsetting.
To manage to do this (it seems), I most of the days go dig in the internet for things that I know will upset/disturb me, and then I force myself to endure the feelings that come with them. Disgust, fear, anger, whatever that is that I feel will upset me and make me feel nauseous and simply bad after. I feel like Nico plays a part in this (since he is the one that takes the most upsetting emotions and turns them "off" for us), but I feel like I have no way to actually know because he won't tell.

I don't know how to stop this behaviour and I feel like it might be defined as psychological s/h?
But I don't know why I do this. I'm looking for people with similar experiences happening to them to better understand this thing.

And also how are you? :D

Mi


Looking at this from personal perspective so I could be completely off. As a teenager I would indulge heavily in negative emotions. No internet so I'd be upset about my life, sobbing feeling rubbish or beating myself up for being a rubbish person, get really upset by the state of the world, everything seemed pointless. So maybe... Again could be wrong... You could have a teenage part trying to come through who needs to get things off their chest?

I deliberately watch comedy and avoid upsetting stuff to keep mood ok. Also avoid violence because it can set the twins off, they think the purge is a great idea for example and all the rest of us can think is "aaahhh we'll be hiding in the woods burried under bushes thanks" Paul occasionally gets set off by gangster films but he's grown out of it lately, it effecting his mood or it drawing him forward. The only violent type of stuff we can watch without it triggering an alters darker side or bringing them forward is hitman films, for some reason they're fine. But because you're deliberately doing it but don't want to "have to do it" it seems like an alter trying to come forward, maybe.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
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Re: Hi again, question

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Dec 26, 2019 12:06 pm

I am not good with giving gentle advice or empathy.
Sometimes it is a myth we are telling ourselves, that we can't stop.
When we try and stop, that is when we will face the real reason why we are doing it.
probably not a plan for the holidays, cause it is surely unsettling,
but when you use your will and you stop, it will probably set something in motion that will show you what is driving you. or who. and hopefully why. behavior usually serves a purpose.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
our blog on resources: https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Hi again, question

Postby SOHank » Thu Dec 26, 2019 12:40 pm

Sunflower pretty much never cried. Maybe once at a funeral in the 12 years we've been married.

Through therapy she's found it was an internal rule and there was an insider assigned to take this emotion away and hold it. I can't really speak to how she used to handle things, but we have been working with L. to let her know it is okay to cry and we are here to comfort her. She is slowly starting to trust us and I can tell it helps the systems overall well-being.
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Re: Hi again, question

Postby SystemFlo » Thu Dec 26, 2019 1:31 pm

I used to love horror movies and watched all new ones, never felt scared of anything, it was like this good thing from childhood I continued doing. And really did not feel a thing. It started to be few years ago, when I first found myself and had my identity, when I was first time starting to build a connect to my feelings. I had been reading forum bit like this one, where I saw how all emotions were accepted and supported, and I started having feelings although I didn't write in there.

Watching horror movies from very little is certainly a trauma, I just don't know whose. It caused a lot of scare and upset when we were child, especially because we were made to believe all that stuff is true. And that's why I had created that thick skin, we needed to. It doesn't mean there's no littles inside scared to death of everything supernatural, it can happen anytime anywhere and there's no escape, you can't hide from it. I continued traumatizing them, just because I didn't understand if it's not me feeling, it doesn't mean WE don't feel. Emotions don't go off that easily. Someone gathers them somewhere.

I'm enough in touch with at least one little, and he certainly doesn't wanna see horror movies and I would never watch one anymore, because I can not keep Leon out of it. He would probably understand what's happening and go hiding, but I don't wanna live a live where he has to be hiding because of things I can also just not do. He probably is not the one with that trauma, but he's still 4.

Continuing things like we've always done them many times feels safer than changing, because you don't know how new life after change will look like. There can be million reasons why you do self harm, but maybe that's just avoidance. If you stop creating new upset, old one can get to you, so you keep your mind busy. That's logical on it's own way too, although it makes as little sense as any re-traumatizing does, just because you rather collect more bad feelings for other people than feel one yourself or try and realize new life s better than old one.

If you're looking for to cry, you have all material you need already. It's under all self made upset. And it's something you won't be able to bury no matter how much you continue. I'm not blaming you, I know how that's like. Jules runs away as fast as he can all the time and does all he can to not face past. It's always about to get him and he has million self harming ways to try to keep it from coming. He's not strong enough for it to come, and it's not his fault. I understand for him stopping all behaviors is not possible. They're how he survives. If we could force them out of him, he had no ways to deal with emotions, because he doesn't have healthy ways, only ways he has are the ones he does now. If that's how it's for you too, you can learn to cope instead of doing what you do now, T can help you if you let yourself to be helped. Just be honest if you can or can not and if it's just a feeling or really a trigger to get suicidal. There's a huge difference between self harm people do to control their emotions, and actual suicidality and they shouldn't be mixed with each other. Not that self harm is ever good, but it can be best you know at the moment and it's way to continue life and keep on going, the opposite of suicidality.

You're the one who knows. What would you do, if you could not watch bad videos anymore? They'd all be deleted or all your devices would broke as soon as you click any of them open. Then what? Would you only think them, be able to do anything else, need them like an addict? would you feel relieved? You're in control of that behavior, it's ot someone else doing it while you are upset about it. You have all control over it. If you don't know how would you feel like, just try.

Why it's hard to talk about that to your T? What's the feeling behind doing that, that makes it hard? Shame? Guilt? Because it's something you know is not fine, but really don't wanna stop it either, like telling would suggest?

I can't solve things for you, all questions are the kind you don't have to answer them aloud. If you do, there may be someone who had the same thing, something similar, and can maybe tell how it was for them or is for them.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
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