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Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

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Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby 08uP » Mon Dec 23, 2019 4:50 am

I've been putting off posting here because I don't feel like my issues are important and I don't want to seem whiny and for some reason I keep thinking that ignoring my problems will make them go away. But I don't think that really works. Or maybe it kind of did. But my dog died. And I know that might not seem like a big issue. But it is to me. I love him so much and he was my best friend for so long and now he's gone and I feel like it's all my fault because I'm a #######5 pet owner and a #######5 person and now I hate myself even more and I kind of just want to die. Sorry I had to get that out and cry a little bit more. But he was my best and only friend and seemed to be my greatest and most stable source of support for nine years. Trying not to ramble... I had to have him euthanized and I've been very depressed and having increased dissociative episodes since then. I've CONSTANTLY had inner voices saying "I'm going to kill myself," as well as stuff like "I hate you" "you should kill yourself" " you deserve to die" etc. (first and second person, but all persistent and loud and I can't make it stop). I feel like it's driving me (even more) crazy. I don't think I really want to kill myself but I'm really not sure anymore. I definitely hate myself and want it to stop. And maybe this seems ridiculous to be caused by the death of a pet, but he was more than that for me; he was support and stability that I no longer have.

Well, if anyone's been in this kind of situation, would you have any advice to share? And no, I don't have a psych doctor or therapist. i stay in a rural area and am homeless, but I have a vehicle and am constantly traveling for work so I'm not sure what kind of options I might have regarding doctors and stuff. And honestly thinking about that scares me. But I feel like I'm going to have to do something. Thanks for your time. Anyway. I hope y'all have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby MeMyselfMaureen » Mon Dec 23, 2019 5:25 am

I hear you O8up try giving these guys a call, https://www.samaritans.org/ , if you arnt in the uk you can still email them their box is staffed 24/7 https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-h ... samaritan/

Losing your only friend 2 legged or 4 legged is hard. You were a GOOD pet owner. You put your dog down so he didnt have to suffer. A shity pet owner would have been a selfish arse and kept the dog alive to avoid being lonely.

You did GOOD. You cared for your dog. You are a GOOD person.

Take care of yourself. x

Happy christmas

Mo
Grace (host) Mo (protector) Peter (child) Elspeth (child) Midnight (unkown) Shadow (fragment, grief holder, toddler) Aegipan (goatbeing - the ultimate solution) Christopher (faith, caretaker)
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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby ArbreMonde » Mon Dec 23, 2019 6:37 am

We have lost pets, before. We are sorry for the loss of your best friend.

We agree with Mo. You were a good friend to your furry best friend. Also, we do not know what country you live in, but there is bound to have some sort of phone helpline for people who feel the way you do.

You are right to reach out for help. You deserve to be helped. There is no "small problem" when there is suffering.

We hope that the suffering of your loss will ease up with time, and that you will keep all the happy memories you had with your furry bestie.

~ People from the WorldTree.
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby IainEtc » Mon Dec 23, 2019 10:18 am

Losing a friend is hard. Doesn't matter if they have four legs or two. Take care of yourself - your friend would want you to.

Iain & Colin
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When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby Johnny-Jack » Mon Dec 23, 2019 5:14 pm

Hi. It sounds to me and others here that you did nothing wrong and everything right. Pets are family members, in many cases, especially those of us on this board (!), closer to us than biological family members. You're a kind person and gave and received love from your pup, so there is no way to avoid the pain and probably even the second-guessing when you lose them. It's traumatic and upsetting to lose a pet even for people who are lucky enough to have actual loving family and friends. It can be many times harder for those who don't have that much support, through no fault of our own.

What I read between the lines was that even though you've been struggling, you've still had something left to care for and support someone else, your dog. That's only something a generous person does.

08uP wrote:I've been putting off posting here because I don't feel like my issues are important and I don't want to seem whiny and for some reason I keep thinking that ignoring my problems will make them go away. But I don't think that really works.

I don't think it works for the most part either and I don't think what you've been feeling is accurate. Your issues are important, just as important as anyone else's here and not a single person is going to see it as whiny. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that's a worry you picked up from bad, unsupportive parenting you got. Hang in there, you're stronger than you may know, and we hope you have wonderful holidays too!
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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby 08uP » Fri Dec 27, 2019 3:33 am

Thanks, Mo. That means a lot to have some positive comment. I'm in the states, but if I ever get to the point where it feels imminent, I'll send them an email.

Thanks, World Tree People :) I'm sure there are phone lines that I could call but it seems like that should be for people with more urgent cases. I just feel empty and hollow and sad. But I could probably go on like that/this for ten more years before it gets that bad.

Thank you Ian, and you too Colin. I have an idea of him running around in Heaven, with Jesus throwing him toys and feeding him treats. It sounds a little ridiculous I think, but it makes me smile and be kind of happy.

And thank you Johnny-Jack. That was a very kind and insightful post. He absolutely was a family member, and probably the closest I had left. I wish I had done more while I still could, and in the end I did all I could but I was too late. But that's just life. His last hour was better than the preceding days. I got him to eat a little bit on the ride to the clinic (a weenie[well, a small bite,], which he used to love of course). I asked them to give him a painkiller before the final injection. The poor thing was so tired that he couldn't stay awake after they took the pain away. He probably wasn't conscious at all in his last moments while I was petting him and telling him I love him and crying uncontrollably. But at least he got to feel some nice painless rest. Just had to share that. I hate the idea of all these private special little moments dying with me. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel a lot of different things. Not trying to get down on myself again, just rambling a lot. Thanks again, really.

Have a happy New Years everyone.
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Re: Just been rough lately and would like a little advice TW

Postby ArbreMonde » Fri Dec 27, 2019 9:59 am

Feeling empty and hollow and sad, does sound like an urgent case to me, especially if it's bound to last a long time... Why wait until you're about to snap to call for help? If you call for help now, you can start feeling better now. Instead of ten years of suffering with snapping in the end...

Just a thought.

♥ Lust ♥
Multiple system Dx autistic, depression, c-PTSD...

They/them: --Zami--
He/him: -X- or -David- | oOo van H. oOo | //Ulysses// | °Isaïa° | ((Wolf)) | {Envy} | #Uriel# | .....
She/her: ~Theia~ | oOo Mrs. H. oOo | *Reyna* | ♥Lust♥ | .....

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